Lalage's Lovers Part 12

She merely sported, pursuing him with gay ridicule, mangling his pet quotations, smiling at his swelling rotundities. Dodds would have sent him to the stake without an opportunity for recantation.

I lost altogether seven s.h.i.+llings during the evening, which represents a considerable run of bad luck, for we never played for more than a s.h.i.+lling for each hundred points. Mrs. Dodds, of course, lost the same amount. I tried to make it up to her next day by sending her, anonymously, six pairs of gloves. She must have known that they came from me for she was very gracious and friendly next evening. But for a long time afterward Dodds used to annoy her by proposing to talk about bishops and infant schools whenever she happened to be my partner.

CHAPTER VIII

A week pa.s.sed without my hearing anything from home about Lalage's _Gazette_. My mother's weekly letter--she wrote regularly every Sunday afternoon--contained nothing but the usual chronicle of minor events. I had no other regular correspondent. The Archdeacon had written me eleven letters since I left home, all of them dealing with church finance and asking for subscriptions. Canon Beresford never wrote to me at all. I was beginning to hope that the _Anti-Tommy-Rot Gazette_ had failed to catch the eye--ought I to say the ear?--of the public. This would of course be a disappointment to Lalage, perhaps also to Hilda and Selby-Harrison, but it would be a great relief to me. The more I thought of it the more I disliked the idea of being identified with the generous gentleman whose timely aid had rendered the publication possible.

My hopes were shattered by the arrival of no less than six letters by one post. One of them was addressed in my mother's writing, and I feared the worst when I saw it. It was quite the wrong day for a letter from her, and I knew that nothing except a serious disaster would induce her to break through her regular rule of Sunday writing. Another of the letters came from the Archdeacon. I knew his hand. Two of the other envelopes bore handwritings which I did not recognize. The addresses of the remaining two were typewritten. I turned them all over thoughtfully and decided to open my mother's first. She made no attempt to soften the shock I suffered by breaking her news to me gradually.

"Lalage appears to have excelled herself in her latest escapade. I only heard about it this morning and have not had time to verify the details of the story; but I think it better to write to you at once in case you should hear an exaggerated version from some one else."

My mother is very thoughtful and kind; but in this particular case, needlessly so. I was not in the least likely to hear an exaggerated version of Lalage's performance from any source; because no one in the world, not even a politician, could exaggerate the truth about the _Anti-Tommy-Rot Gazette_.

My mother went on:

"You appear to be mixed up in the affair, and, on the whole, I advise you to get out of it at once if you can. Your uncle, who takes these matters very seriously, is greatly annoyed. Lalage appears to have published something, a pamphlet probably, but report says variously a book, a magazine, and a newspaper. I have not seen a copy myself, though I telegraphed to Dublin for one as soon as the news of its publication reached me. Your uncle, who heard about it at the club, says it is scurrilous. He sent out for a copy, but was informed by the news agent that the whole issue was sold out. The Archdeacon was the first to tell me about it. He had been in Dublin attending a meeting of the Church Representative Body and he says that the general opinion there is that it is blasphemous. Even the Canon is a good deal upset and has gone away for a holiday to the north of Scotland. I had a postcard from him to-day with a picture of the town hall at Wick on the back of it. He wrote nothing except the words, 'Virtute mea me unvolvo.' I have Latin enough to guess that this--is it a quotation from his favourite Horace?--is a description of his own att.i.tude toward Lalage's performance. Miss Pettigrew, who is greatly interested, and I think on the whole sympathetic with Lalage, writes that eighteen bishops have already begun actions for libel, and that three more are expected to do so as soon as they recover from fits of nervous prostration brought on by Lalage's attacks on them. A postscript to her letter gets nearer than anything else I have come across to giving a coherent account of what has actually taken place. 'Lalage,' she writes, 'has shown a positively diabolical ingenuity in picking out for the pillory all the most characteristically episcopal utterances for the last two years.' You will understand better than I do what this means."

I did understand what Miss Pettigrew meant, but I do not think that Lalage ought to be given: the whole credit. Selby-Harrison did the research.

My mother went on:

"Father Maconchy, the P.P., stopped me on the road this afternoon to say that he hoped there was no truth in the report that you are mixed up in what he calls a disgraceful attempt at proselytizing. The Archdeacon tells me that in ecclesiastical circles (his, not Father Maconchy's, ecclesiastical circles) you are credited with having urged Lalage on, and says he fears your reputation will suffer."

I put the letter down at this point and swore. Extreme stupidity always makes me swear. It is almost the only thing in the world which does. The Archdeacon, who has been acquainted with Lalage since her birth, ought to have more sense than to suppose, or allow any one else to suppose, that she ever required urging on. Even Father Maconchy's reading of the situation was intelligent compared to that.

"Miss Pettigrew says that the Trinity College authorities have taken the matter up and are strongly of opinion that you are financing the publication. Thormanby tells me that the same rumour is current in the club. He heard it from five or six different men, and says he has been written to about the matter since he came home by people who are most anxious about your connection with it. I do not know what to believe, and I do not want to press my opinion on you, but if, without making things worse for Lalage than they are at present, you can disclaim responsibility for the publication, whatever it is, it will probably be wise for you to do so."

It did not seem to me to matter, after reading what my mother said, which of the other letters I took next. I tried one of the two which bore typewritten addresses, in the hope that it might be nothing worse than a bill. It was, as a matter of fact, a statement of accounts. The first sheet ran thus:

Anti-Tommy-Rot Gazette Guarantee Fund Trinity College, Dublin, No. 175, and at the rooms of the Elizabethan Society

Debtor and Creditor Account To 8 per cent, due on one third of 80, being amount of guarantee for one month as per agreement signed August 9th, ult., equals 1s. 4d. (say, one s.h.i.+lling and fourpence).

Examined and found correct

J. Selby-Harrison.

Stamps (1s. 4d.) enclosed to balance account. Please acknowledge receipt.

It is very gratifying to a guarantor to receive interest on his promise in this prompt and business-like way, but I am not sure that 8 per cent, will be sufficient to compensate me for the trouble I shall have in explaining my position to the Board of Trinity College, the Representative Body of the Church of Ireland, the Standing Committee of the Roman Catholic Hierarchy, the Presbyterian General a.s.sembly, and the committee of the Kildare Street Club. The next sheet of Selby-Harrison's accounts was equally business-like in form.

Anti-Tommy-Rot Gazette Guarantee Fund Trinity College, Dublin, No. 175, and at the rooms of the Elizabethan Society Per Contra.

By one third of 30, being amount of guarantee for one month as per agreement signed August 9th, ult., 10, less payment by advertiser for single insertion, being one twelfth of 75.

9d.f contract price for year, 7.75 pence equals 9-19-4.25 (say nine pounds nineteen s.h.i.+llings and fourpence farthing) now due by guarantor. Examined and found correct Kindly remit at once to avoid legal proceedings.

J. Selby-Harrison.

The last thing in the world I wanted was further legal proceedings. With eighteen libel actions pending and three more threatened in the near future, the Irish courts would be kept busy enough without being forced to deal with a writ issued by Selby-Harrison against me. I sat down at once and remitted, making out my cheque for the round sum of 10, and telling Selby-Harrison that he could set the extra 7.75 pence against postage and petty cash. I pointed out at the same time that the advertiser, considering the unexpectedly wide publicity which had been given to his desire for second-hand feather beds, had got off ridiculously cheap. I suggested that he might, if approached, agree to pay the extra.25 of a penny.

I turned over the other three envelopes and chose for my next experiment one addressed in a delicate female hand. It seemed to me scarcely possible that letters formed as these were could convey sentiments of any but a fragrant kind. I turned out to be mistaken. This letter was more pitiless even than Selby-Harrison's stark mathematical statements.

"Owing to the incessant worry and annoyance of the last three days I am prostrate with a bad attack of my old enemy and am obliged to dictate this letter."

The signature, written with evident pain, told me that the dictator was my Uncle Thormanby. The "old enemy" was, as I knew, gout.

"Miss Battersby is acting as my amanuensis."

For the fifth or sixth time in my life I felt sorry for Miss Battersby.

"Canon Beresford's girl has libelled eighty or ninety bishops in the most outrageous way. I am not sure of the law, but I sincerely hope that it may be found possible to send her to gaol with hard labour for a term of years. Not that I care what she says about bishops. They probably deserve all they get and in any case it's no business of mine. What annoys me is that she has mixed you up in the scandal. Old Tollerton was sn.i.g.g.e.ring about the club in the most disgusting way the day before yesterday, and telling every one that you were financing the minx. He says he has it on the best authority.

"I found a letter waiting for me when I came home from the secretary of the Conservative and Unionist Parliamentary a.s.sociation, asking me if the rumour was true. I had just arranged with them to put you up for the East Connor division of Down at the general election and everything was looking rosy. Then this confounded stinkpot of a bombsh.e.l.l burst in our midst. That outrageous brat of Beresford's ought to be soundly whipped.

I always said so and it turns out now that I was perfectly right.

"I need scarcely tell you that if your name is connected with these libel actions in any way your chance of election won't be worth two pence. The Nationalist blackguards would make the most of it, of course, and I don't see how our people could defend you without bringing the parsons and Presbyterian ministers out like wasps.

"I have authoritatively denied that you have, or ever had, any connection with or knowledge of the scurrilous print; so I beg that you will at once withdraw the guarantee which I understand you have given. If you don't do this my position, as well as your own, will be infernally awkward. I wanted to get a hold of Beresford to-day, but hear that he has gone to Iceland. Just like him I I thought I might have bullied him into taking the responsibility and clearing you. The Archdeacon won't. I tried him. Tollerton, who insisted on sitting next me at luncheon in the club, says that you may be able to hush the thing up by offering to build a new church for each of the bishops named. This would cost thousands and cripple you for the rest of your life, so we won't make any overtures in that direction till everything else fails.

Tollerton always makes the worst of everything. They say he has Bright's disease. I shan't be sorry when he's gone; but if I have to go through much more worry of this kind it's likely enough that he'll see me out."

With this letter was enclosed a small slip of paper bearing a message which appeared to have been very hurriedly written.

"_Please_ do not be too angry with Lalage. I'm sure she did not mean any harm. She is a very high-spirited girl, but most affectionate. I'm _so_ sorry about it all especially for your poor mother.

"Amelie Battersby."

Miss Battersby need not have made her appeal. Even if I had been very angry with Lalage my uncle's letter would have softened my heart toward her. She deserved well and not ill of me. The decision of the Conservative and Unionist Parliamentary a.s.sociation came on me as a shock. I had no idea that my uncle was negotiating with them on my behalf. If Lalage's _Gazette_ disgusted them with me and made it obvious that I could not succeed as a candidate in the East Connor Division of County Down I should be greatly pleased, and my ten pounds, or whatever larger sum might be required to pacify the fiercest of the bishops, would be very well spent.

I opened the Archdeacon's letter next. It was, with the exception of Selby-Harrison's, the shortest of the whole batch.

"I write, not in anger but in sorrow. Lalage, whom I can only think of as a dear but misguided child, has been led away by the influence of undesirable companions into a grievous mistake. I shrink from applying'

a severer word. As a man of the world I cannot shut my eyes to the fact that the money, the considerable sum of money, which you have placed at the disposal of these young people has proved a temptation, not to Lalage, but to those with whom she has unfortunately a.s.sociated herself.

In the event of your deciding, as I strongly urge you to do, to withdraw your financial guarantee, these unscrupulous persons, seeing no prospect of further profit, will no doubt cease to lead Lalage astray."

The idea in the Archdeacon's mind evidently was that Selby-Harrison and Hilda had exploited Lalage, and obtained the money for unhallowed revellings, from me. I should like to hear Hilda's mother's opinion of the Archdeacon's view. Its injustice was of course quite evident to me.

I had Selby-Harrison's accounts before me, and nothing could be clearer than they were. Besides I knew from my mother's letter that what the Archdeacon now said about Selby-Harrison and Hilda he had originally said about me. When the truth, the whole truth, about the publication of the _Anti-Tommy-Rot Gazette_ is published, it will be recognized that Selby-Harrison, Hilda, and I, so far from urging Lalage on or leading her astray, were from first to last little more than tools for her use, clay in her potter's hands.

My fifth letter turned out to be from the Provost of Trinity College.

It was written in very courteous terms and was, on the whole, the most encouraging I had yet read.

He wrote:

"You must forgive my meddling in your affairs, and accept the fact that I am, in some sense, an old family friend, as my excuse for offering you a word of advice. I knew your father before you were born, and as a young man I often dined at your grandfather's table. This gives me a kind of right to make a suggestion which I have no doubt you will take in good part. Three young people, who as students in this college are more or less under my charge, have got into a sc.r.a.pe which might very well be serious but which, I hope, will turn out in the end to be merely ridiculous. They have printed and published a small magazine in which no less than twenty-one of the Irish bishops are fiercely attacked.

"It is only fair to say that they have been actuated by no sectarian spirit. They are equally severe on Protestant and Roman Catholic ecclesiastics. The publication was at once brought under my notice, and I could do nothing else but send for the delinquents. Nothing could have been more praiseworthy than their candour. They gave me an account of the purpose of their society--they have formed a society--which showed that their objects were not in any way vicious, although the means they adopted for furthering them were highly culpable. I spoke to them strongly, very strongly indeed, and I trust made some impression on them. At the same time I must confess that one of them, Miss Lalage Beresford, displayed the greatest determination and absolutely declined to give me a promise that the publication of the magazine would be discontinued, except on conditions which I could not possibly consider.

You will recognize at once that for Miss Lalage's own sake, as well as for the sake of college discipline, I cannot have any further publication of the _Anti-Tommy-Rot Gazette_.