The Universal Reciter Part 37

_f.a.n.n.y._ A voice like a peac.o.c.k.

_Miss P._ Miss Rice!

_Hetty, Lizzie, and f.a.n.n.y._ O, she's awful!

_Miss P._ Young ladies! I'm astonished! I'm shocked! I'm thunderstruck! Miss Jones is my pupil. She is your a.s.sociate. As such, you will respect her. Let me hear no more of this. Go to your studies. I highly respect Miss Jones. Imitate her. She's not given to conspiracies. She's not forever gossiping. Be like her, and you will deserve my respect. To your studies. Miss Jones is a model for your imitation. [_Exit_, L.

_Hetty._ Did you ever!

_f.a.n.n.y._ No, I never!

_Lizzie._ A model for imitation! Girls, we'll have some fun out of this. Imitate Miss Jones! I only hope she'll put on one of her chignons. [_Exeunt._

_Enter_ HANNAH JONES, R., _extravagantly dressed, with a red chignon, followed by_ MRS. LOFTY.

_Hannah._ Come right in, marm; this is our setting-room, where we receive callers. Take a seat.

(MRS. LOFTY _sits on lounge_.)

_Mrs. Lofty._ Will you please call your mistress at once?

_Hannah._ My mistress? Law, neow, I s'pose yeou take me for a hired gal. Yeou make me laugh! Why, my pa's richer than all the rest of 'em's pas put together. I deon't look quite so scrumptious as the rest o 'em, p'r'aps, but I'm one of the scholars here.

_Mrs. L._ I beg your pardon. No offence was intended.

_Hannah._ Law, I don't mind it. Yeou see our folks come from deown east, and we haven't quite got the hang of rich folks yit. That's why I'm here to git polished up. Miss Precise is the schoolmarm, but she's so stiff, I don't expect she'll make much of me. I do hate airs. She makes the girls tend tu door, because she's too poor to keep help.

_Mrs. L._ Will you please speak to her? I have not much time to spare, as this is my charity day.

_Hannah._ Charity day! Pray, what's that?

_Mrs. L._ I devote one day in the week to visiting poor people, and doing what I can to alleviate their misfortunes.

_Hannah._ Well, marm, that's real clever in you. I do like to see rich folks look arter the poor ones. Won't you please to let me help you?

I don't know the way among the poor yit, but I'm going to find out.

Here's my pocket-book; there's lots uv money in it; and if you'll take and use it for the poor folks, I'll be obleeged. (_Gives pocket-book._)

_Mrs. L._ O, thank you, thank you! you are very kind; I will use it, for I know just where it is needed. Can you really spare it?

_Hannah._ Spare it? Of course I can. I know where to git lots more; and my pa says, 'What's the use of having money, if you don't do good with it?' Law, I forgot all about Miss Precise. You just make yourself to home, and I'll call her. [_Exit_, L.

_Mrs. L._ A rough diamond. She has a kind heart. I hope she'll not be spoiled in the hands of Miss Precise. (_Opens pocket-book._) What a roll of bills! I must speak to Miss Precise before I use her money.

She may not be at liberty to dispose of it in this wholesale manner.

_Enter_ MISS PRECISE, L.

_Miss P._ My dear Mrs. Lofty, I hope I have not kept you waiting.

(_Shakes hands with her, then sits in chair_, C.)

_Mrs. L._ O, no; though I'm in something of a hurry. I called to ask you if you could take my daughter as a pupil.

_Miss P._ Well, I am rather full just now; and the duties of instructor are so arduous, and I am so feeble in health----

_Mrs. L._ O, don't let me add to your trials. I will look elsewhere.

_Miss P._ No, no; you did not hear me out. I was going to say I have decided to take but one more pupil.

_Mrs. L._ What are the studies?

_Miss P._ English branches, French, Italian, German, and Spanish languages, and music; all taught under my personal supervision.

_Mrs. L._ Quite an array of studies; almost too much for one teacher.

_Miss P._ Ah, Mrs. Lofty, the mind--the mind is capable of great expansion; and to one gifted with the power to lead the young in the flowery paths of learning, no toil is too difficult. My school is select, refined; nothing rough or improper is allowed to mingle with the high-toned elements with which I endeavour to form a fas.h.i.+onable education.

_Mrs. L._ I should like to see some of your pupils.

_Miss P._ O, certainly. You will take them unawares; but I flatter myself you will not find them unprepared. (_Strikes bell on piano._)

_Enter_ f.a.n.n.y, _dressed as before, but with large, red chignon on her head._

_Miss P._ This is Miss f.a.n.n.y Rice. Mrs. Lofty, f.a.n.n.y. There you see one of my pupils who has an exquisite touch for the piano, a refined, delicate appreciation of the sweetest strains of the great masters.

f.a.n.n.y, my dear, take your place at the piano, and play one of those pieces which you know I most admire. (f.a.n.n.y _sits at piano, plays Yankee Doodle, whistling an accompaniment._) What does this mean?

(_Turns and looks at_ f.a.n.n.y, _starts, puts her eye-gla.s.s to her eye.--Aside._) Heavens! that child has one of those horrible chignons on her head!--(_Aloud._) Miss Rice, why did you make that selection?

_f.a.n.n.y._ (_Imitates_ HANNAH'S _manner of speaking._) Cos I thought you'd like it.

_Miss P._ "Cos?" O, I shall die! And why did you think I should like it?

_f.a.n.n.y._ Cos that's the way Hannah Jones does.

_Miss P._ Send Miss Gray to me. (_Follows_ f.a.n.n.y _to door._) And take that flaming turban off your head. I'll pay you for this!

[_Exit_ f.a.n.n.y, L.

_Mrs. L._ Your pupil is exceedingly patriotic in her selection.

_Miss P._ Yes; there's some mistake here. She's evidently not on her good behaviour.

_Enter_ HETTY GRAY, L., _with red chignon._

Ah, here's Miss Gray. Mrs. Lofty, Miss Gray. She has a sweet voice, and sings sentimental songs in a bewitching manner. Miss Gray, take your place at the piano, and sing one of my favourites.

(HETTY _sits at piano, plays and sings._)

"Father and I went down to camp Along with Captain Goodin, And there we saw the boys and girls As thick as hasty-puddin."

_Miss P._ Stop! (_Looks at her through eye-gla.s.s._) She's got one of those hateful things on too,--chignons! Is there a conspiracy? Miss Gray, who taught you that song?

_Hetty._ Miss Hannah Jones, if you please.