The Universal Reciter Part 8

THE MENAGERIE.

J. HONEYWELL.

Did you ever! No, I never!

Mercy on us, what a smell!

Don't be frightened, Johnny, dear!

Gracious! how the jackals yell!

Mother, tell me, what's the man Doing with that pole of his?

Bless your little precious heart, He's stirring up the beastesses!

Children! don't you go so near!

Hevings! there's the Afric cowses!

What's the matter with the child?

Why, the monkey's tore his trowses!

Here's the monstrous elephant,-- I'm all a tremble at the sight; See his monstrous tooth-pick, boys!

Wonder if he's fastened tight?

There's the lion!--see his tail!

How he drags it on the floor!

'Sakes alive! I'm awful scared To hear the horrid creatures roar!

Here's the monkeys in their cage, Wide awake you are to see 'em; Funny, ain't it? How would you Like to have a tail and be 'em?

Johnny, darling, that's the bear That tore the naughty boys to pieces; Horned cattle!--only hear How the dreadful camel wheezes!

That's the tall giraffe, my boy, Who stoops to hear the morning lark; 'Twas him who waded Noah's flood, And scorned the refuge of the ark.

Here's the crane,--the awkward bird!

Strong his neck is as a whaler's, And his bill is full as long As ever met one from the tailor's.

Look!--just see the zebra there, Standing safe behind the bars; Goodness me! how like a flag, All except the corner stars!

There's the bell! the birds and beasts Now are going to be fed; So my little darlings, come, It 's time for you to be abed.

"Mother, 't is n't nine o'clock!

You said we need n't go before; Let us stay a little while,-- Want to see the monkeys more!"

Cries the showman, "Turn 'em out!

Dim the lights!--there, that will do; Come again to-morrow, boys; Bring your little sisters, too."

Exit mother, half distraught, Exit father, muttering "bore?"

Exit children, blubbering still, "Want to see the monkeys more!"

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

CHARACTERS.

FRED BROWN.

JOHNNY GRAY.

NED WHITE.

SCENE.--_Recitation-Room at a Public School._

_Enter_ FRED.

_Fred._ A pretty task Master Green has given me this time! He calls me to his desk, and says, "Brown, those boys, Gray and White, have been very inattentive during the music lesson: take them into the recitation-room, and keep them there until they can sing four stanzas of 'The Battle-cry of Freedom.'" A nice music-master I am! I can't read, sing, or growl a note, and I don't know a single line of "The Battle-cry of Freedom." But I must not let them know that. Here they are. (_Enter_ GRAY _and_ WHITE; _they get in a corner of the stage, and whisper together._) Now, what conspiracy is hatching? Hem! Here, you fellows, do you know what you came here for?

_Gray._ To take a music lesson, I suppose.

_Fred._ Well, you had better commence.

_White._ Certainly, after you.

_Fred._ After me! What do you mean?

_White._ I believe it's the custom of all music-masters to first sing the song they wish to teach. (_Aside to_ GRAY.) He can't sing a note.

_Gray._ (_Aside to_ WHITE.) He can't? good! Let's plague him.

(_Aloud._) Come, singing-master, proceed.

_Fred._ No matter about me. You two can sing, and when you make a mistake I will correct it.

_Gray._ You'll correct it! That's good. With what, pray?

_Fred._ With this. (_Producing a ratten from under his jacket._)

_White._ O, dear, I don't like that sort of tuning-fork.

_Fred._ You'll get it if you don't hurry. Come, boys, "The Battle-cry of Freedom."

_Gray._ (_Aside to_ WHITE.) Ned, do you know the song?

_White._ (_Aside._) I know just one line.

_Gray._ (_Aside._) O, dear, we're in a sc.r.a.pe. (_Aloud._) Master Fred, will you please give me the first line? I've forgotten it.

_Fred._ Certainly. Let me see. "Rock me to sleep, mother." No, that isn't it.

_White._ (_Aside._) He's split on that rock.

_Fred._ Hem! ah! "Dear father, dear father, come home." O, bother!

_Gray._ (_Aside._) It'll bother him to "come home" with that line.

_Fred._ "Give me a cot."--O, pshaw! I tell you what, boys, I didn't come here to talk, but to listen: now you two sing away at once, or down comes the ratten.

_Gray._ (_Aside._) I say, Ned, Brown doesn't know it? here's fun. Now you just keep quiet, and ring in your line when I snap my fingers.