The Visible Man Part 1

The Visible Man.

Chuck Klosterman.

For Melissa.

Mr. b.u.mpus:.

Well, here it is. I never thought I'd type that sentence, but now I have!

This is such a bizarre sensation, Crosby. I have no idea how you're going to react to what's here, but I'm exhilarated, terrified, and mentally prepared for whatever is supposed to happen next. Let me reiterate (one last time) how flattered I am by your dogged interest in this project and how grateful I am for your limitless reserve of support, despite the apprehensions of your publis.h.i.+ng house, your co-workers, your new boyfriend (!), and every other rational person in your life. If this really works out, it will be a testament to your vision and spirit.

I know we've had this discussion dozens of times over the telephone, but I need to say it once more, just to satisfy my own conscience: I am not a writer. I have no further ambitions in this regard, and this is the only ma.n.u.script I'll ever submit to a publisher. I also need to stress (because there seems to be some confusion over this, at least with your a.s.sistant and with the woman I spoke with from your publicity department) that I am not a psychiatrist, even though I'll undoubtedly be described as such if this ma.n.u.script is ever received by the world at large. I have not attended medical school and I'm not in a position to prescribe medication. It's important we're all clear on this point, because I don't want to mislead anyone. I received a masters degree in social work from the Univ. of Texas after earning an undergraduate degree in psychology from Davidson College in North Carolina. I do not have a Ph.D. I've been a licensed therapist and a.n.a.lyst for exactly twenty-one years, but my roster of clients is small (no more than twelve patients in any given week) and has never included anyone of public interest, sans the lone individual I will describe in the enclosed file. I'm sure my professional credentials will be savaged, but-if that has to happen-I want them to be savaged for the proper reasons.

Is this ma.n.u.script ready for publication? I think we both agree it is not (nor does my agent). I have no idea how the fact-checking process works in your industry, but I cannot fathom any system that would accept the majority of this text on face value. Like I said in our very first conversation: I can't verify the story I'm trying to tell. All I have are the tapes (which prove nothing) and one photograph of a seemingly empty chair. How will this not be a marketing disaster? I know you're strongly against recasting this work as fiction (and my agent has already informed me that such a switch would force a reworking of the contract's language and a substantial decrease in the amount of my advance), but I don't see any other option. Obviously, you understand the publis.h.i.+ng game more than I do, and I trust your judgment completely. Perhaps we should revisit this conversation when you've finished reading my draft.

Five annotations regarding the structure of this ma.n.u.script: (A.) After my second phone conversation with the Scribner lawyer in June, I've elected to use the pseudonym "Y____" in place of the patient's name or his actual initials. I now understand why using a fabricated name might create more problems than it solves. I initially used a different letter as a placeholder (first "V," then "K," then "M"), but my agent explained how those specific letters might cause their own unique dilemmas. I'm still open to your thoughts on this, a.s.suming you have any.

(B.) During the very early phases of my relations.h.i.+p with Y____ (and particularly during the initial few weeks when we interacted exclusively by telephone), I took almost no notes whatsoever. Why would I? At the time, the case did not seem abnormal. The only things I wrote about Y____ were for my own rudimentary record-keeping, primarily so I could reference whatever we'd last discussed at the opening of our next session. These notes were brief e-mails I sent to myself, so please excuse the sentence fragments and incomplete thoughts (I've tried to fix misspellings and abbreviations, but I have not altered the language or syntax). Obviously, I had no way of knowing how unusual this situation would become. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize I should have asked him more pointed, expository questions about what was really happening here, but-keep in mind-it wasn't an interrogation. My intention was to help this person, so I allowed him to dictate the flow of conversation. So how should we handle this? My solution (at least for the time being) was to just print and attach those six self-addressed e-mails for your consideration. The e-mails are included in what's currently labeled as Part I: The Telephone. Should I try to turn that content into conventional prose, or should I exclude them completely? They're difficult to read and a little embarra.s.sing, but I think some of the details are critical.

(C.) Once I became aware of my scenario's actuality, I started recording everything Y____ said during our sessions on audiotape (with his permission and at his urging). Much of this ma.n.u.script is a transcript of Y____'s unedited dialogue, augmented by my periodic queries and my (mostly unsuccessful) attempts at steering the conversation toward a reasonable resolution. It should go without saying that Y____ was among the most intelligent, most articulate patients of my career. His ability to speak in complete thoughts and full paragraphs was astounding, often to the point of pretension and almost to the level of discomfort; I will always, always wonder if Y____ had rehea.r.s.ed and memorized large sections of what he said during our sessions. It's my suspicion that Y____ (consciously or unconsciously) long believed I would eventually publish the details of our work together and felt an overwhelming desire to be as entertaining and narrative as possible. He was never able to accept the concept of therapy for his own sake. Granted, that troubling view made the compilation of this ma.n.u.script extremely easy-much of the time, I simply had to type a transcript of whatever Y____ had said in its raw form. But this chasm between the clarity of Y____'s words and his stark inability to understand his own motives inevitably undermined whatever progress we seemed to make. From a purely therapeutic perspective, I can only cla.s.sify my work with Y____ as a failure. I wonder if we need to make this clearer to the reader?

(D.) The only other person who has read this ma.n.u.script is my husband, John (who, by the way, is doing much, much better and wanted me to thank you for sending us that wonderful book about Huey Long). He mentioned one potential problem: John believes Y____'s behavior and personality is too inconsistent, and that my portrayal of him generates (what he refers to, possibly incorrectly, as) "the pathetic fallacy." I suppose I see what he means, even though it didn't feel that way at the time. But if John sees this dissonance, other readers will see it, too. So how do I justify these contradictions? How do I overcome the fact that real people inevitably behave more erratically than fictional constructions? It's important to remember that-despite his rarefied intelligence and intermittent charm-Y____ was/is a deeply troubled individual without any sense of self, an almost total lack of empathy, and a paradoxical confusion over the most fundamental aspects of human behavior. I suppose it's no accident that he was seeing a therapist. Here again, I wonder if fictionalizing this story might be the best solution. Perhaps he would seem more believable if we made him more predictable?

(E.) a.s.suming this ma.n.u.script eventually becomes a purchasable book, there are a handful of private citizens who will see themselves in the text, sometimes in embarra.s.sing contexts. I feel terrible about this, but there's just no way around it. I believe this work is important, and cultural importance often comes with casualties. It has to be done. I also believe the inclusion of those specific anecdotes will be critical to the commercial value of the book, and (as I explained in one of our early e-mails) that's something I don't necessarily want but very desperately need. It's humiliating to admit that, but you know my situation. So if this must be done, let's at least try to show these poor people the respect they merit. I deserve my humiliation, but they do not.

I think that's everything. Sorry this cover letter ended up being so long. Please call or e-mail when you receive this package, Crosby. I can't wait to work with you. Also, I'm curious-does your reception of this ma.n.u.script const.i.tute its "acceptance," or does that not occur until you've finished reading and editing? I only ask because our contract states that 25 percent of my agreed advance will be delivered "on acceptance," and my agent can't (or won't) seem to give me a firm date as to when that will happen. I hate to keep bringing this up, because I know it's not really your department. But-like I said before-you know my situation.

Warmest regards, Victoria Vick.

PART 1.

THE TELEPHONE.

FROM: [email protected]

SENT: Wednesday, March 05, 2008, 7:34 PM.

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Y____ / Friday.

Received phone message this a.m. from "Y____," local male, inquiring about scheduling possible session as soon as possible. Message did not elaborate on nature of problem; caller's voice did not express urgency. Returned call in early p.m. Patient initially seemed calm and asked typical questions about rates and availability. Conversation changed when patient aggressively requested that all sessions be conducted over the telephone (and that this requirement was nonnegotiable). After explaining to Y____ that this was not a problem, I casually asked why he was unavailable for conventional face-to-face dialogue. Patient immediately grew agitated and said (something along the lines of), "That isn't your concern." When I mentioned that this information might be central to our future interactions, caller became sarcastic, then abruptly apologetic. Another brief discussion about rates and insurance option followed (Y____ is uninsured). I told him he would need to fill out a few basic forms, but he said, "No forms. I don't fill out forms. I have money. The forms aren't needed." This is unusual, but not unheard of. We discussed our mutual distaste for paperwork. A telephone appointment has been tentatively scheduled for 10:00 a.m. Friday. Call then concluded. Difficult to ascertain if this behavior is a manifestation of shyness, agoraphobia, or drug/alcohol dependency. Skeptical about whether this patient will call again, but leaving the 10:00 a.m. hour open nonetheless.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld.

FROM: [email protected]

SENT: Friday, March 07, 2008, 10:11 PM.

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Y____ / Friday (1).

Opened work with Y____ this morning. Received call at 10:00 a.m. sharp. Patient seems bright but capricious; he oscillates between unnecessary levels of aggression and repet.i.tive, contrite apologies. I initiated session with standard entry query [editor's note: this is typically a straightforward question about why the patient has contacted the therapist]. Y____ declined to answer. He suggested I would not be able to understand his reasoning at this time. I agreed to give him that emotional s.p.a.ce temporarily. I then asked the following: AGE: 33.

OCCUPATION: declined answer (unemplo.yed?).

CURRENT RESIDENCE: declined answer.

FAMILY/MEDICAL HISTORY: declined answer but described self as "healthy"

Discussion throughout session was predictably circular. I was clear with Y____ that therapy would be ineffective if he refused to say why he wanted this process to occur, a suggestion he simultaneously agreed with and balked at. Y____ responded to virtually all questions by asking a similar question of me. He seemed preoccupied with making jokes about whether I physically resembled Lorraine Bracco, the actress who portrayed a psychiatrist on the defunct HBO series The Sopranos. When I responded to his humor in kind (by informing him that some form of this joke was made by virtually all my male patients), he seemed unusually offended and would not acknowledge my immediate apology. At the thirty-five-minute mark, I directed my questioning toward his day-to-day mental state, asking if he ever felt depressed. He immediately said, "Very much," but was unwilling to give any details as to why, always stating and restating the notion that his problems were more "exceptional" (his word) than whatever I might be "antic.i.p.ating" (his word). When I told him this is a typical feeling among first-time therapy patients, he told an extremely long, unfunny joke about a clown. The premise of the joke is as follows: A little boy is humiliated at the circus. A clown makes sport of him, and the audience laughs. As a result, the boy spends his entire adult life trying to invent the funniest, cleverest comebacks for every kind of social embarra.s.sment. The boy even travels to Tibet (?) to study the ancient art of banter. Years later, the boy (who is now a man) brings his own child to the circus, and-for whatever reason-the same clown is working and attempts to embarra.s.s the man again by spraying him in the face with a bottle of seltzer water. The man has spent years preparing for this very moment. He dries his face with a towel, looks his adversary in the face, and says, "f.u.c.k you, clown." (This, it seems, was the punch line?) Unclear how this joke is connected to his feelings of inadequacy. Session ended immediately after clown story. Y____ agreed to call again next Friday.

NOTES:.

If Y____ is dealing with addiction, it seems unlikely that he was intoxicated during our session. His speech and thought patterns seemed unremarkable (although possible use of cocaine is not outside the realm of possibility, as his speech was sometimes rushed). More troubling is his paranoid obsession over the most minor details within his own life, almost to the point of caricature; he has wildly exaggerated the import of his own existence. Keeps using phrases like, "It's different for me. Everything is different for me." Y____ is emotionally overinvested in some undefined, unspoken idea (regarding his own sense of self), and this investment overwhelms all other components of his psyche. A grandiose or somatic disorder seems possible, although more info will be needed before making any strict diagnosis. This will take time. That said, my overall concern is mild. Patient does not appear to be in danger.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld FROM: [email protected]

SENT: Friday, March 14, 2008, 2:02 PM

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Y____ / Friday (2)

No progress with Y____. Initial conversation was pleasant (he mentioned how listening to songs by the ex-Beatle George Harrison had put him in "an effervescent mood"), but real dialogue collapsed soon after. Once again, I tried to direct our conversation toward his motive for seeking therapy. This quickly became a thirty-minute "intellectual cul de sac" (his words). He said he wanted to "see what other people see" but would not elaborate on what this meant. In response to my conventional follow-up ("What do you suspect other people see?"), he laughed and called my elocutionary technique "amateurish," claiming I should "try harder." At this point I informed him that he could seek help elsewhere if that was what he wanted. He then apologized, although not sincerely-he said he was sorry his words had insulted me but refused to apologize for what he actually said. Sensing this interaction was only exasperating our relations.h.i.+p, I returned to the topic of the Harrison alb.u.m he had mentioned at the start of the session, mostly to get him talking in a nonconfrontational manner. He expressed preoccupation with one song, a track he identified as "Be Here Now." When asked what he liked about the song, Y____ suggested that the song's lyrics ill.u.s.trated Harrison's guilt about becoming wealthy and the singer's "self-conscious hypocrisy" for choosing to advocate principles of Eastern spirituality while living as a conventional celebrity. He was smug about this a.n.a.lysis. "If he really believed what he sang," said Y____, "he would not have needed to write and record the song at all. It's totally fake. He wrote the song as a means of admitting he can't be the person he pretends." This alleged contradiction amused him. Being unfamiliar with the song, I did not comment. Session ended soon after, closing with another friendly (and most likely meaningless) exchange of pleasantries.

NOTES:.

I have purchased "Be Here Now" via the computer application iTunes, initially confusing it with another track of the same name. Though I've listened to the song only twice, the textual interpretation by Y____ strikes me as unusually cynical. He seems to misread the song on purpose. At risk of placing too much emphasis on one tangential aspect of our second encounter, I now have fewer fears about addiction and more concerns about clinical depression and/or a specific break from reality-it seems very possible that Y____ is a highly functioning depressive. Have decided to take a more aggressive stance with Y____ next week.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld FROM: [email protected]

SENT: Friday, March 21, 2008, 10:44 AM

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Y____ / Friday (3)

Terrible session this morning. My fault entirely. Opened dialogue by giving Y____ a false ultimatum: I claimed that if he was unwilling to discuss why he was seeking therapy, I was unwilling to continue working with him. My intention was to challenge him, with the expectation that he would respect this challenge and respond. At first, the exchange felt natural. He chuckled. He asked what kinds of problems I normally dealt with, and I told him the most universal problems among my other patients were anxiety issues. He discounted this: "Anxiety is not a real problem. It's only a modern problem." I tried to get him to explain why he would believe that, and he started to explain his reasoning. But then he stopped mid-sentence and asked, "What do you look like?" I asked why that made a difference, particularly since he had wanted to keep our interaction over the phone. Y____: "It makes a difference to me." I accused him of trying to change the subject. He said, "No, this is the subject [emphasis his]. Whatever I want to talk about is always the subject." I told him my physical appearance was irrelevant. He disagreed. I asked how it was relevant. He said, "If you can't understand immediately, you will never understand eventually. Why should I tell you something you'll never understand? Why won't you answer my question? At least I have the potential to understand the answer." His tone was flat. I asked if this question was related to his previous reference to the Bracco character (from The Sopranos). He said, "Of course not. Get over it." I told him I looked like a normal person. I mentioned I had red hair. Y____: "See, that first part is relevant. It is. If you look like a normal person, that's interesting. But I don't care what color your hair is. That's irrelevant. Your hair color is irrelevant. You don't understand what's important and what isn't." I asked if he thought he looked like a normal person. He said, "No, not at all. Not at all." I asked what he believed a normal person looked like. At this point, he ended the call without comment. Total time of conversation: less than ten minutes.

NOTES:.

Very strong suspicion that Y____ is housebound due to obesity. Physical deformity also seems possible-is he a burn victim? Tremendous failure on my behalf. Completely overlooked this (fairly obvious) scenario, particularly when viewed in orchestra with his joke about the boy and the clown from session #1. I am a terrible therapist today. Really down about this. Today I am a failure. Need to be smarter next week. WILL be smarter next week. Will be smarter.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld ADDENDUM1.

[The evening following this episode, I received two voice mails from Y____that were stored on the hard drive on my office computer (via the telephone service Vonage). I have transcribed the content of those messages here. It is my belief that Y ____was reading from a script. Midway through the second call, he appears to deviate from the script-however, I now suspect he consciously included this deviation to create the illusion of spontaneity. His delivery of these messages was intermittently measured and animated. Soft sitar music is audible in the background. Total length of first message: 48 seconds. Total length of second message: 222 seconds.]

CALL 1.

"Good evening, Vicky. This is Y____ speaking. I want ... I want to apologize for my juvenile behavior on the telephone today. I understand what your intentions were and I don't know why I reacted the way I ... reacted. I don't want to jeopardize our relations.h.i.+p. I've enjoyed our sessions thus far. I think they're going extremely well. I've tried working with at least four other therapists and none have gotten as far as we have. I like your approach. Honestly. I like your approach. You aren't a control freak, or even in any control at all. You don't mind taking a ... less-than-dominant, semidominant role. I like that. It's what I like about you most. That's what I (inaudible). So I'm hoping we can just put this whole episode behind us. I will call again next Friday, and we'll just go on from there. Okay? If you're uninterested in continuing our work, we can discuss at that juncture. I a.s.sume (inaudible phrase). Thanks again. This was Y____."

CALL 2.

"Vicky. Y____ again. So ... I realize you had mentioned-again, this was this morning, on the telephone-that you needed me to explain why I was seeking therapy, and that you can't help me unless I explain my reasons. I don't agree with that. I don't think it's essential in any way. But because you believe this, I'm willing to make a concession. If you can't continue under any other circ.u.mstances, I will make this compromise. As I said, I appreciate your approach. But I need you to accept that you'll never truly understand my reasoning regardless of what I tell you about myself. You will never completely understand what's happened. Which might be difficult for you, as a professional. It might toy with your confidence. It's just that ... I spent my mid-twenties on the most radical edge of science. I know that sounds (inaudible), but it's the only means through which I can explain my condition. In simplest terms, I worked with biological (inaudible) light refraction, although that doesn't really matter to anyone and certainly should not matter to you. In fact, I would recommend that you don't even think about the technical aspects of my condition. What should matter-to you-is that my apt.i.tude at science allowed me to do some negative, problematic things ... actually, no. Let me rephrase that. I need to rephrase that. My apt.i.tude at biological science allowed me to do things that could be perceived as problematic. The things I did, when viewed intellectually, are not problematic. I don't see them as bad. I don't think any intelligent person would. I view my actions as positive. But I know that "society," or whatever term we want to use, might disagree. I realize that the average person would consider my actions criminal, and maybe even that's optimistic. Now, that's their problem, as far as I'm concerned. Their wrongness is unrelated to who I am. But because we were all raised in the same society, and because I've unwillingly adopted a lot of the weaknesses inherent to other people, I can't help but feel the sensation of guilt that comes with my actions. Not guilt itself, because I know the things I did were good. But the sensation of guilt. That's what I felt. And that can be just as detrimental. And that is what I need to talk to you about. I want to find a way to manage this sensation. I also need someone to objectively view my actions and validate what I already know, which is that I've done nothing wrong. Like I said-I already understand all of this intellectually. I just need to know it emotionally. So that is where we will pick up. Good night, Victoria. Again, this was Y____."

FROM: [email protected]

SENT: Friday, March 28, 2008, 2:00 PM

TO:

SUBJECT: Y____ / Friday (4)

Corner turned? Significant strides with Y____ this a.m.!

Opened session by thanking Y____ for his late-night phone messages from the previous Friday, noting that these calls-regardless of their content-suggest progress. Y____ expressed sheepish appreciation. I asked Y____ about the timing of his calls, as they were received very late in the evening; I asked if he had been having trouble sleeping. Y____ said he sometimes slept during the afternoon, but that this was a preference (and not a problem). "My work requires that I'm alert in the evening and early morning hours," he said, and then playfully compared himself to a variety of nocturnal animals. His metaphors were apt, but I also noticed a degree of showmans.h.i.+p-he seemed to be referencing exotic animals in a self-aggrandizing style, simply to show me that he knew a lot about zoology. However, I did not press him on this (at risk of reversing our newfound level of mild intimacy).

About ten or fifteen minutes into the session, I addressed the three most compelling details from his second phone message: [Reader's note: Of all the exchanges I would eventually have with Y____, this is the one I most wish I'd recorded. Knowing what I know now, this was (almost certainly) the most detail-rich exchange we ever had, at least in terms of the scientific content. But-at the time-it just seemed like we were clearing extraneous details out of our path. During the most critical segment of the exchange, I'm ashamed to admit I barely listened (and instead mentally prepared for my next line of questioning). This being the case, Y____'s quotes in the following section are not verbatim-were I a cub reporter for the American-Statesman, I wouldn't use them in an A1 article. These were simply my present-tense attempts to paraphrase Y____'s jargon-heavy descriptions of how his situation began, which I have since slightly expanded. Though I suspect my memory is more accurate than not, I missed the minutiae that mattered most. It remains the greatest regret of my career.]

1. "The most radical edge of science": This phrase struck me as unusual and pretentious. I asked why he chose those specific words. He proceeded to give an incomprehensible, extemporaneous speech on his field of study, something he referred to as "epidermal refraction theory." Y____ noted that this work was conducted through funding from the military, but that he was a civilian (originally employed by Chaminade University in Hawaii). He prefaced his description by saying, "There is no way you will ever understand this," and (again) claimed that the specifics of his research were not important. I pushed him to try. As it turns out, he was either correct or trying to confuse me on purpose. I have no idea what his research was trying to solve or create. The bottom line is as follows: Y____ was involved in something he referred to as the "cloaking initiative." At one point he asked if I had ever watched Star Trek, but I have not. He used the term "negative refractive index" several times. Whenever I asked him to simplify his description, he would say things like, "Imagine looking at the front of a woman's chest, but seeing only whatever was behind her back." He made reference to a "sheer suit." Though it's impossible to tell if what Y____ was saying was (a) even partially true or (b) some type of fantasy life, I'm now secure in the a.s.sumption that Y____ does have (at the very least) a legitimate background in science. Obviously, that background does not dismiss his pseudologia fantastica2 (and may paradoxically serve to enhance it). I found myself generally unable to follow this stretch of dialogue. When I admitted this, he politely asked that I never ask him about this again, as it was a waste of both our time. I conditionally agreed. He needed to hear me say that.

2. "Problematic things": I mentioned that his phone call referred to some sort of criminal or antisocial behavior, but he immediately retracted his initial take. I asked what kind of specific behavior he was referring to. He said, "Surveillance. Invasion of privacy. Home invasion. Prowling. I did some prowling. Deception. A certain kind of intangible theft. Humanity theft." I asked what "humanity theft" meant. Y____ said, "I've consumed people's lives without their consent." I pushed him to explain this further. He said (something along the lines of), "I reached a point in my life where I became exclusively interested in the unseen reality of human behavior, and I did not think it was possible to study such behavior if the person knew they were being studied." He went on to say that the traditional means for understanding human psychology was by asking subjects questions about themselves, a process he finds futile. "The act of asking someone a question completely destroys the value of the answer," he said. He asked if I was familiar with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.3 When I told him I was, he said, "Well, then you already understand why psychology has failed." Though I wanted to pursue these points further, I realized time was expiring on our session and I needed to move to point 3.