The Book Of Lost Things Part 7

"A baker," Brother Number Three corrected him.

He stood on his tiptoes and whispered to David. "We're not allowed to talk to him now. We can't even eat his mum's buns, not even the day-old ones that she sells for half price."

"I heard that," said Brother Number One. "We can make our own buns," he added huffily. "Don't need buns made by a cla.s.s traitor."

"No we can't," said Brother Number Three. "They're always hard, and then she complains." she complains."

Instantly, the dwarfs' relative good humor disappeared. They picked up their tools and prepared to leave.

"Got to be on our way," said Brother Number One. "Pleasure to have met you, comrade. Er, you are a comrade, aren't you?"

"I suppose so," said David. He wasn't sure, but he wasn't about to risk getting into another fight with the dwarfs. "Can I still eat buns if I'm a comrade?"

"As long as they're not baked by Former Comrade Brother Number Seven-"

"Or his mum," added Brother Number Three sarcastically.

"-you can eat anything you like," concluded Brother Number One, as he raised a finger of warning to Brother Number Three.

The dwarfs started marching back down the ditch on the other side of the road, following a rough trail that led into the trees.

"Excuse me," said David. "I don't suppose I could stay with you for the night, could I? I'm lost, and very tired."

Comrade Brother Number One paused.

"She won't like it," said Brother Number Four.

"Then again," said Brother Number Two, "she's always complaining that she has n.o.body to talk to. Might put her in a good mood to see a new face."

"A good mood," said Brother Number One wistfully, as though it was a wonderful flavor of ice cream that he'd tasted a long, long time ago. "Right you are, comrade," he said to David. "Come with us. We'll see you straight."

David was so happy he could have skipped.

While they walked, David learned a little more about the dwarfs. At least, he thought that he might be learning more about them, but he didn't quite catch everything he was being told. There was a lot of stuff about "workers' owners.h.i.+p of the methods of production" and "the principles of the Second Congress of the Third Committee" but not the Third Congress of the Second Committee, which had apparently ended in a fight over who was going to wash the cups afterward.

David had some idea of who "she" might be as well, but it seemed polite to check, just in case.

"Does a lady live with you?" he asked Brother Number One.

The buzz of conversation from the other dwarfs instantly ceased.

"Yes, unfortunately," said Brother Number One.

"All seven of you?" David continued. He wasn't sure why, but there was something slightly odd about a woman who lived with seven little men.

"Separate beds," said the dwarf. "No funny business."

"Gosh, no," said David. He tried to wonder what funny business the dwarf could be referring to, then decided that it might be better not to think about it. "Er, her name wouldn't be Snow White, would it?"

Comrade Brother Number One stopped suddenly, causing a minor pileup of comrades behind him.

"She's not a friend of yours, is she?" he asked suspiciously.

"Oh no, not at all," said David. "I've never met the lady. I might have heard about her, that's all."

"Huh," said the dwarf, apparently satisfied, and started walking again. "Everybody's heard of her: 'Ooooh, Snow White who lives with the dwarfs, eats them out of house and home. They couldn't even kill her right.' Oh yes, everybody knows about Snow White."

"Er, kill her?" asked David.

"Poisoned apple," said the dwarf. "Didn't go too well. We underestimated the dose."

"I thought it was her wicked stepmother who poisoned her," said David.

"You don't read the papers," said the dwarf. "Turned out the wicked stepmother had an alibi."

"We should really have checked first," said Brother Number Five. "Seems she was off poisoning someone else at the time. Chance in a million, really. It was just bad luck."

Now it was David's turn to pause. "So you mean you tried to poison Snow White?"

"We just wanted her to nod off for a while," said Brother Number Two.

"A very very long while," said Number Three. long while," said Number Three.

"But why?" said David.

"You'll see," said Brother Number One. "Anyway, we feed her an apple: chomp-chomp, snooze-snooze, weep-weep, 'poor Snow White, we-will-miss-her-so-but-life-goes-on.' We lay her out on a slab, surround her with flowers and little weeping bunny rabbits, you know, all the tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, then along comes a b.l.o.o.d.y prince and kisses her. We don't even have a prince around here. He just appeared out of nowhere on a bleeding white horse. Next thing you know he's climbed off and he's onto Snow White like a whippet down a rabbit hole. Don't know what he thought he was doing, gadding about randomly kissing strange women who happened to be sleeping at the time."

"Pervert," said Brother Number Three. "Ought to be locked up."

"Anyway, so he bounces in on his white horse like a big perfumed tea cozy, getting involved in affairs that are none of his business, and next thing you know she wakes up and-ooooh!-was she in a bad mood. The prince didn't half get an earful, and that was after she clocked him one first for 'taking liberties.' Five minutes of listening to that and, instead of marrying her, the prince gets back on his horse and rides off into the sunset. Never saw him again. We blamed the local wicked stepmother for the whole apple business, but, well, if there's a lesson to be learned from all this, it's to make sure that the person you're going to wrongfully blame for doing something bad is actually available for selection, as it were. There was a trial, we got suspended sentences on the grounds of provocation combined with lack of sufficient evidence, and we were told that if anything ever happened to Snow White again, if she even chipped a nail, we'd be for it."

Comrade Brother Number One did an impression of choking on a noose, just in case David didn't understand what "it" meant.

"Oh," said David. "But that's not the story I heard."

"Story!" The dwarf snorted. "You'll be talking about 'happily ever after' next. Do we look happy? There's no happily ever after for us. Miserably ever after, more like."

"We should have left her for the bears," said Brother Number Five, glumly. "They know how to do a good killing, do the bears."

"Goldilocks," said Brother Number One, nodding approvingly. "Cla.s.sic that, just cla.s.sic."

"Oh, she was awful," said Brother Number Five. "You couldn't blame them, really."

"Hang on," said David. "Goldilocks ran away from the bears' house and never went back there again."

He stopped talking. The dwarfs were now looking at him as if he might have been a little slow.

"Er, didn't she?" he added.

"She got a taste for their porridge," said Brother Number One, tapping the side of his nose gently as though he were confiding a great secret to David. "Couldn't get enough of it. Eventually, the bears just got tired of her, and, well, that was that. 'She ran away into the woods and never went back to the bears' house again.' A likely story!"

"You mean...they killed her?" asked David.

"They ate ate her," said Brother Number One. "With porridge. That's what 'ran away and was never seen again' means in these parts. It means 'eaten.' " her," said Brother Number One. "With porridge. That's what 'ran away and was never seen again' means in these parts. It means 'eaten.' "

"Um, and what about 'happily ever after'?" asked David, a little uncertainly. "What does that mean?"

"Eaten quickly," said Brother Number One.

And with that they reached the dwarfs' house.

XIV.

Of Snow White, Who Is Very Unpleasant Indeed

YOU'RE LATE!"

David's eardrums rang like bells as Comrade Brother Number One opened the front door of the cottage and cried, very nervously, "Coo-ee, we're home!" in that singsong voice that David's father had sometimes used on David's mother when he got back late from the pub and knew he was in trouble.

"Don't 'we're home' me" came the reply. "Where have you been? I'm starvin starvin'. Me stomach's like an empty barrel."

David had never heard a voice quite like it. It was a woman's voice, but it managed to be both deep and high at the same time, like those huge trenches that were supposed to lie at the bottom of the ocean, only not quite so wet.

"Ooooooh, I can 'ear it rumbling," said the voice. "'Ere, you, listen to it."

A big white hand reached out and grabbed Brother Number One by the scruff of the neck, lifting him off his feet and yanking him inside.

"Oh, yeph," said Brother Number One, after a moment or two. His voice sounded slightly m.u.f.fled. "I can hear iff now."

David allowed the other dwarfs to enter the cottage ahead of him. They walked like prisoners who had just been told that the executioner had a little extra time on his hands and could fit in a few more beheadings before he went home for his tea. David cast a lingering glance back at the dark forest and wondered if he shouldn't just take his chances outside.

"Close that door!" said the voice. "I'm freezin'. Me teeth are chatterin'."

David, feeling that he had no other choice, stepped into the cottage and closed the door firmly behind him.

Standing before him was the biggest, fattest lady that David had ever seen. Her face was caked with white makeup. Her hair was black, held back by a brightly colored cotton band, and her lips were painted purple. She wore a pink dress large enough to house a small circus. Brother Number One was pressed hard against its folds, the better to hear the strange noises that the great stomach beneath was currently making. His little feet almost, but not quite, touched the ground. The dress was decorated with so many ribbons and b.u.t.tons and bows that David was quite at a loss as to how the lady could remember which ones actually released her from the dress and which were merely for show. Her feet were squashed into a pair of silk slippers that were at least three sizes too small, and the rings on her fingers were almost lost in her flesh.

"Who are you, then?" she said.

"He'ph comfany," said Brother Number One.

"Company?" said the lady, dropping Brother Number One like an unwanted toy. "Well, why didn't you say you were bringin' company?" She patted her hair and smiled, exposing lipstick-smeared teeth. "I'd have dressed up. I'd have put me face on."

David heard Brother Number Three whisper to Brother Number Eight. The words "anything" and ''improvement" were barely audible. Unfortunately, they were still too loud for the lady's liking, and Brother Number Three received a smack across the head for his trouble.

"Careful," she said. "Cheeky sod."

She then extended a large pale hand toward David and gave a little curtsy.

"Snow White," she said. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, I'm sure."

David shook hands and watched with alarm as his fingers were swallowed up in Snow White's marshmallow palm.

"I'm David," he said.

"That's a nice name," said Snow White. She giggled and buried her chin in her chest. The action created so many ripples of fat that her head looked as if it was melting. "Are you a prince?"

"No," said David. "Sorry."

Snow White looked disappointed. She released David's hand and tried to play with one of her rings, but the ring was so tight that it wouldn't budge.

"A n.o.bleman, maybe?"

"No."

"Son of a n.o.bleman, with a great inheritance waiting for you on your eighteenth birthday?"

David pretended to think about the question.

"Er, no again," he said.

"Well, what are you then? Don't tell me you're another one of their booorrrring booorrrring friends come here to talk about workers and oppression. I warned them, I did: no more talk about revolutions, not until I've had me tea." friends come here to talk about workers and oppression. I warned them, I did: no more talk about revolutions, not until I've had me tea."

"But we are are oppressed," protested Brother Number One. oppressed," protested Brother Number One.

"Of course you're oppressed!" said Snow White. "You're only three feet tall. Now go and get me tea started, before I lose me good humor. And take your boots off. I don't want you lot puttin' muck on me nice clean floor. You only cleaned it yesterday."

The dwarfs removed their boots and left them at the door along with their tools, then lined up to wash their hands in the little sink before preparing the evening meal. They sliced bread and cut vegetables while two rabbits roasted over the open fire. The smell made David's mouth water.

"I suppose you'll be wantin food an' all," said Snow White to David.

"I am rather hungry," David admitted.

"Well, you can share their rabbit. You ain't 'avin' any of mine."

Snow White plopped herself down in a big chair by the fire. She puffed her cheeks and sighed loudly.

"I 'ate it 'ere," she said. "It's so booorrrinnng." booorrrinnng."

"Why don't you just leave?" asked David.

"Leave?" said Snow White. "And where would I leave to?" to?"

"Don't you have a home?" said David.