The History of Johnny Quae Genus Part 12

QUae GENUS did the sports contrive Which kept the country-folk alive, And all the scatter'd bounties flow'd As his disposing hand bestow'd, Nor did one over-curious mind Suspect that any lurk'd behind.

Nay, it was order'd to his care } The gen'ral figure to prepare } That was to blaze in Portman-Square. }

He, who had sometime form'd the plan To set up for a _Gentleman_, Well knew the purse alone could aid The progress of that pretty trade, And now had learn'd, quite at his ease, To take the upper servant's fees, Which to fulfil his growing aim, In a resistless plenty came.

--VALCOUR was grand, his _Eastern Taste_ Was not dispos'd to run to waste; Madam had never yet made known Her beauty to th' admiring town, And ready wealth was now at hand Their mutual wishes to command: Plutus with Fas.h.i.+on standing by } Impatient languish'd to supply } Each wish of glowing luxury. } The tonish trade display'd its store Where our QUae GENUS kept the door; In various forms, a numerous host All strove who should affect him most, And by what tempting means engage, His trusty, promis'd patronage.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Drawn by Rowlandson_

QUae GENUS WITH A SPENDTHRIFT.]

Whene'er enquiry makes a stir To trace the human character, The strict and scrutinising eye Must look for human frailty, And will perceive as on we range, Our dispositions p.r.o.ne to change, Nor like the features of the face, Fix'd on their first-born, native place.

So many tempting Sirens play Their games to lead the heart astray, So many gay temptations smile The wav'ring prudence to beguile; So many worldly interests wake The pliant feelings to forsake And wander from the beaten road In which they hitherto have trod; That reason from her judgement-seat Must, with a tender rigour, treat The venial errors of the mind, And in severity be kind.

--Our Hero an example shews To ask the candour we propose, For he, we are compell'd to own, Had given his thoughts a different tone.

As we have said, it was his plan To be a _future Gentleman_, And that he only could attain By seizing all the means to gain An added heap to that same store Which luck'ly he possess'd before.

He, therefore, now had laid aside Those scruples which his boasted pride Maintain'd against the retail sense Of the shrewd _Grocer's_ eloquence, While, with Sir _Jeffery Gourmand_, he Preserv'd such pure fidelity.

--And here it should not be forgot That it was _Molly's_ happy lot, By some keen plan which he had laid, To be the Lady's fav'rite maid: For _Molly_ he sincerely lov'd, And was with gen'rous pa.s.sion mov'd; Nay, when his project he should carry, He had engag'd the maid to marry: Thus she was well prepar'd to join In forwarding the main design; Which as it may, perhaps, appear From the surmises hinted here, Was never, never to refuse What custom offer'd as their dues, And all the op'ning hand of chance Might gather from extravagance.

How far this system may succeed Will soon be seen by those who read.

This VALCOUR was a n.o.ble creature, Splendid and gen'rous in his nature; Nor had these feelings been decreas'd By the profusion of the East, Which he from well-earn'd station shar'd; But honour was his chief reward.

He no ama.s.s'd PaG.o.das brought Whence treasures are so often sought: Yet he, the favour'd lot of few, As they bright fortune's track pursue, Though India gave him mod'rate store, Found plenteous wealth on Britain's sh.o.r.e.

--Full many a well fought field he try'd, And MARS beheld his course with pride, Nay bade the wreath of triumph glow The Hero's pride, upon his brow, While Knighthood's pointed star express'd The tinsel glitter on his breast.

But VENUS, who such things disposes Chang'd all the laurel into roses; And HYMEN did his state enfold In saffron mantle, rich with gold.

As Nature in its fancies varies, Sir CHARLES indulg'd in his vagaries, With a wild love of shew and figure; Yet still he was resolv'd with rigour, A line of prudence to pursue And keep discretion in his view.

Full droll indeed it may appear But thus he chose to persevere: Not to run out was all that he Consider'd as oeconomy; If his rents answer'd what he spent He'd bless his stars and be content; But never did his views appear To look upon the coming year.

Nor e'er did he his mind distress To know if he could live on less: Nay at the thought how he would laugh, When told that he could live on half, And felt affront, if 'twere repeated That by his servants he was cheated.

--Such a receipt to pamper ruin Nay to hurry an undoing, Has seldom given so queer a chance To gratify extravagance.

--But so it was--QUae GENUS thought Just as the rising fancy taught: While, in mock fas.h.i.+on's borrow'd pride, MOLLY was seated by his side.

Now as her needle made its way Some 'broider'd figure to display, Thinking, perhaps, how well her art Gave semblance to a two-fold heart; He fondly call'd her willing ear With all attention due to hear.

QUae GENUS.

"Plac'd as we are, it seems to be The height of that prosperity Which such as we can e'er enjoy; And it becomes us to employ The means it offers to possess Our views of future happiness.

I doubt not, MOLLY, but you feel, For your sweet lady, all the zeal, Which flows alike from due regard As the just hope of due reward: But still, I think, it must appear That we've a doubtful course to steer; How we may keep within the line, } Our great folks' interest to combine } With what we know is yours and mine. } They are with generous grace endued, To us how kind they are and good.

But life with them is nought but pleasure; Luxurious show fills up the measure Of all their hours, as they run on Through each meander of the Ton.

They sometimes talk of prudent schemes, And reason's language veils the dreams; But the incessant love of change Invites the unreflecting range 'Neath ev'ry dome where pride resorts And fas.h.i.+on holds her motley courts; Though while they for their pleasures roam We too well know their cost at home.

This proud parade can never last, Their ready wealth will soon be past.

--Nay, when I bring the month's account, And silent point to the amount; He tells my Lady what I've done, And she exclaims, "tis precious fun!-- We need not for our ruin fear With such a careful guardian near!'

When I point out the triple charge In many a bill display'd at large, She says, 'QUae GENUS, do not grieve, Tradesmen, my honest friend, must live!

Nay, when from service you retire, And sit all plodding by your fire In thought what profits should repay The labours of the closing day;-- When o'er some door we see your name, } A dealer of great retail fame, } You have our leave to do the same.' }

"I made my bow and answer'd nought, But then I paid it off in thought; And, as their gen'rous leave they give, Like others to play tricks and live, I may begin, perhaps, before My name is painted on the door; And, in good time, my fortune try With that same prosp'ring honesty.

--I tell you, MOLLY, 'tis as clear As we, dear girl, are sitting here, That our great folks were both created So rich, please fortune, to be cheated.

And we must aid them, as you see, Thus to fulfil their destiny.

For trifles we'll not make a fuss, They will not be the worse for us: If we do not our pockets fill, Others there are who quickly will, But not by any paltry gains, As pilfering of _Sovereigns_.

You must not crib a handsome shawl And say 'twas lost at such a ball; Nor will you in some corner place A card or roll of costly lace, That when you think she has forgot it, You to your own use may allot it:-- Nor, when she gives a thrice-worn dress Your vanity and wish to bless, Do not within its wide folds smother, As if by chance, just such another, As she'd not miss it 'mid such plenty A wardrobe of full five-and-twenty, While others, 'mid the toilet's din Are almost daily pouring in.

Can we such means as these pursue?-- Would it be just in me and you: Though I guess by your waggish smile, What you are thinking of the while.

But still I feel it is not right That you should lose your perquisite; Nor do I, my dear girl, incline E'er to forego the claim to mine, And tempting opportunity May tell us what those claims should be, As 'tis our right to seize the chance That's furnish'd by extravagance, When call'd upon to prove our taste In saving what would run to waste; For rumpled fin'ry, all thrown by, Is safer in our custody.

--When t'other day the Knight bespoke A new great-coat and Hussar cloak; 'Sure, Sir,' I said, 'you have forgot Of these same coverings what a lot, Neither be-spotted, scratch'd or torn And some of them have scarce been worn, Which are all hanging in the hall:'-- 'They're old,' he said, 'so take them all.'

--I bow'd and took them to my keeping; Snug in my wardrobe they are sleeping.

It is the same, I know it well, You of your Lady have to tell: I doubt not but your h.o.a.rd encreases Of Spencers, mantles and pelisses: But let it be our mutual boast That sage precaution rules the roast; And take care that we never deal in Any thing that looks like stealing.

My books are fair, accounts are right, In them my honour's sound and tight: Valet I am and Butler both, A rare advantage to our cloth, And there's no day, nay scarce an hour But tempting profits court my power, Yet may dread _Heaven_ above forsake me, And _Old Nick_ in his fury take me, If I the pilf'ring track pursue Which hireling knaves so often do.

When from the shopmen we receive The somethings they are us'd to give As their long, bouncing bills are paid, 'Tis not our Knight is tax'd, but trade, Though should we not our poundage claim _Sum Totals_ would be just the same.

--E'en when, as if a boon, I crave Some superfluity to save, Perhaps he'll tell me I'm a fool, Or threat to floor me with a stool.

--Last week, he said, 'at our next fete, (Mind what I say and hold your prate) Let the desert in splendour s.h.i.+ne With gay plateaus and many a pine.'

When as, to check the cost's encrease, I hinted what they were a piece, He ranted, 'if there are not _five_, Thou slave, I'll cut you up alive.

Dare you look piteous? for then You scurvy clown, I'll order _ten_.'

"These gay delusions cannot last, The spendthrift scene will soon be past; And, in another year or two You'll see that what I say is true.

When Banker's checks, that easy pay Like fancy's ghosts have pa.s.s'd away, When the whole funded wealth is sold Another story will be told; When all the ready cash is flown, The country-rents will change their tone, Nor will the half-grown oaks supply The means for one year's luxury.

Crabbed Entail will rise beside } And dare the acres to provide } The power to feed their needy pride, } And Mortgage-deeds in vain will strive To keep the piteous show alive.

While thus the vain folk whom we serve, Do from each point of prudence swerve, While thus they waste in such a way, To Luxury the willing prey, I know, my girl, what I've to do, And faith, shall leave the rest to you!"

MOLLY.

"My dearest friend, you are so clever, That I could hear you talk for ever.

Let not QUae GENUS be afraid, He ne'er shall want my ready aid; For surely to his heart 'tis known, } His ev'ry interest is my own, } At least I feel that we are one. } O yes, I comprehend him well!"

But now she heard her Lady's bell, A summons that must be attended,-- So here the conversation ended.

Thus VALCOUR and his brilliant dame Attain'd their folly's highest aim, To scale the ladder of the Ton As many wealthy fools have done, And laugh, if they should hear the call, "Your foot may slip and you may fall."

They did in every thing agree, With the same eye each object see.

"Whate'er you fancy must appear So very right my dearest dear!-- And whatsoe'er you do approve, Cannot be wrong, my sweetest love!"

--Such was their billing and their cooing, As they were hast'ning on to ruin; Nor did they see that _Fas.h.i.+on_ laugh'd, While she their costly nectar quaff'd; Or 'mid the crowds that might attend Their banquets, they had not a friend.

But such too often is the case Where Folly takes the highest place; And upstart fortune fain would be The ape of rank and family.

There vulgar wealth pays dear for places With Lords.h.i.+ps, Ladys.h.i.+ps and Graces, Who at its table may appear } Or once or twice or thrice a year, } When luxury does the feast prepare; } And yet their host but coldly greet, If they should meet him in the street.

--But true or not, howe'er that be, In this career of vanity, Winter's fine pleasures pa.s.s'd away And Summer made the country gay, While fas.h.i.+on now set out to grace The Country seat and Wat'ring place, VALCOUR and MADAME now were seen Parading on the Brighton Stein, But where, though envied and admir'd, With the same scenes they soon were tir'd: Besides 'twas decent to retreat And give life to their ancient seat.

Thus while th' astonish'd Natives stare _Woodlands_ receiv'd the tonish pair; While they the rural 'Squires surprise } With splendid hospitalities; } And even here the money flies. }

The Knight when sporting in the East, Was wont to hunt the brindled beast, Or the long, pointed jav'lin plant From castled back of elephant, In the fierce tiger's spotted side, And gloried when the savage died: He therefore would not deign to share The conquest o'er a tim'rous hare; Nor push on in a break-neck pace Through all his wiles the fox to chace.

But when the sportsmen left their game, And weary to his mansion came, Which they were always glad to do, Whene'er that mansion was in view, QUae GENUS heard the orders gay To be fulfill'd without delay, As the loud and welcome brawl Re-echoed through the lofty hall,-- "Prepare, that my good friends may dine, The turkey and the smoking chine, The pasty and whate'er is best To furnish out an instant feast!

Be sure 'tis your attentive task, } To give them all that they may ask, } The bowl, the tankard and the flask;" } But then the Knight in whispers hinted, "When you perceive my time is stinted, And both my deafen'd ears no more Can bear the Baccha.n.a.lian roar; When it appears the stupid a.s.ses Scarce know the bottles from the gla.s.ses, Nor can perceive, 'mid boosing laughter, That I am only sipping water; When I shall unperceiv'd retire, } Remember it is my desire, } _They do not set the house on fire_." } --Thus, when o'erwhelm'd with sporting guest, Sir CHARLES his constant wish express'd, And, after many a vain essay, Contriv'd at last to steal away, With something like an aching head, To seek the refuge of his bed.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Drawn by Rowlandson_

QUae GENUS ATTENDS ON A SPORTING FINALE.]

In drunken freaks QUae GENUS knew Sense was oft gone and feeling too; That legs might tables overturn, And fallen lights would flare and burn; Nay, flaming mischief might attend On lighted snuff and candle's end.

Thus to be safe, without delay The threat'ning lights he bore away, And, to avoid a falling spark, Left parties snoring in the dark.

Thus stretching as their limbs were able, On chair, on floor or on table, QUae GENUS did not own a fear That there was any danger near, So left them till the day should break And fev'rish nature bid them wake; When, yawning round the sporting closet, Some groom brought in their morning posset; And, hobbling off as they were able To mount their horses at the stable, They left the Knight their humble thanks, Hop'd Madam would excuse their pranks, And sought their homes, perhaps, to hear A wife talk loud in either ear.

Such were the jovial sportsmen's meetings And these their hospitable greetings; But rural dames who were received With kindness while old _Woodlands_ liv'd, As they found such an alter'd state Ne'er enter'd twice the mansion gate: The 'Squires' wives would ne'er resort To one so chang'd to pay their court; And, though she was with t.i.tle crown'd, The proud acquaintance they disown'd.

Brimful of town conceits and folly, My Lady now grew melancholy; And when the sporting season came Her daily looks were not the same: That time of noisy, jovial joy, Did ev'ry lively sense annoy, Nor would she any reas'ning hear.-- "To Town we'll haste away, My Dear!

Let us be gone without delay: To London let us haste away!

These rooms where staring figures sprawl In ancient hangings on the wall, Nay, where at noon, the shaded light Gives dimness of approaching night, Which nought can chearful make and gay, Or give the semblance bright of day, But that well-dress'd, high-minded glee That here, alas, we never see, Which could alone from this dull room, s.n.a.t.c.h the grim likeness of a tomb!

Let us be gone without delay, To London let us haste away!"

--She gave a piteous look and sigh'd, When, with soft grace, Sir CHARLES replied.

"As such is your desire, My Love, To Town we quickly will remove; If it will soothe my charmer's sorrow, We will set out for Town to-morrow.