A Book of Burlesques Part 17

_IX.--Asepsis. A Deduction in Scherzo Form_

CHARACTERS:

A CLERGYMAN A BRIDE FOUR BRIDESMAIDS A BRIDEGROOM A BEST MAN THE USUAL CROWD

PLACE--_The surgical amphitheatre in a hospital._

TIME--_Noon of a fair day._

_Seats rising in curved tiers. The operating pit paved with white tiles.

The usual operating table has been pushed to one side, and in place of it there is a small gla.s.s-topped bedside table. On it, a large roll of aseptic cotton, several pads of gauze, a basin of b.i.+.c.hloride, a pair of clinical thermometers in a little gla.s.s of alcohol, a dish of green soap, a beaker of two per cent. carbolic acid, and a microscope. In one corner stands a sterilizer, steaming pleasantly like a tea kettle. There are no decorations--no flowers, no white ribbons, no satin cus.h.i.+ons. To the left a door leads into the Anesthetic Room. A pungent smell of ether, nitrous oxide, iodine, chlorine, wet laundry and scorched gauze.

Temperature: 98.6 degrees Fahr._

THE CLERGYMAN _is discovered standing behind the table in an expectant att.i.tude. He is in the long white coat of a surgeon, with his head wrapped in white gauze and a gauze respirator over his mouth. His chunkiness suggests a fat, middle-aged Episcopal rector, but it is impossible to see either his face or his vestments. He wears rubber gloves of a dirty orange color, evidently much used._ THE BRIDEGROOM _and_ THE BEST MAN _have just emerged from the Anesthetic Room and are standing before him. Both are dressed exactly as he is, save that_ THE BRIDEGROOM'S _rubber gloves are white. The benches running up the amphitheatre are filled with spectators, chiefly women. They are in dingy oilskins, and most of them also wear respirators._

_After a long and uneasy pause_ THE BRIDE _comes in from the Anesthetic Room on the arm of her_ FATHER, _with_ THE FOUR BRIDESMAIDS _following by twos. She is dressed in what appears to be white linen, with a long veil of aseptic gauze. The gauze testifies to its late and careful sterilization by yellowish scorches. There is a white rubber glove upon_ THE BRIDE'S _right hand, but that belonging to her left hand has been removed_. HER FATHER _is dressed like_ THE BEST MAN. THE FOUR BRIDESMAIDS _are in the garb of surgical nurses, with their hair completely concealed by turbans of gauze. As_ THE BRIDE _takes her place before_ THE CLERGYMAN, _with_ THE BRIDEGROOM _at her right, there is a faint, snuffling murmur among the spectators. It hushes suddenly as_ THE CLERGYMAN _clears his throat_.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_In sonorous, booming tones, somewhat m.u.f.fled by his respirator._) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended by G.o.d to be honorable among men, and therefore is not to be entered into inadvisedly or carelessly, or without due surgical precautions, but reverently, cleanly, sterilely, soberly, scientifically, and with the nearest practicable approach to bacteriological purity. Into this laudable and non-infectious state these two persons present come now to be joined and quarantined. If any man can show just cause, either clinically or microscopically, why they may not be safely sutured together, let him now come forward with his charts, slides and cultures, or else hereafter forever hold his peace.

(_Several spectators shuffle their feet, and an old maid giggles, but no one comes forward._)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_To_ THE BRIDE _and_ BRIDEGROOM): I require and charge both of you, as ye will answer in the dreadful hour of autopsy, when the secrets of all lives shall be disclosed, that if either of you know of any lesion, infection, malaise, congenital defect, hereditary taint or other impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in eugenic matrimony, ye do now confess it. For be ye well a.s.sured that if any persons are joined together otherwise than in a state of absolute chemical and bacteriological innocence, their marriage will be septic, unhygienic, pathogenic and toxic, and eugenically null and void.

(THE BRIDEGROOM _hands over a long envelope, from which_ THE CLERGYMAN _extracts a paper bearing a large red seal._)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Reading_): We, and each of us, having subjected the bearer, John Doe, to a rigid clinical and laboratory examination, in accordance with Form B-3 of the United States Public Health Service, do hereby certify that, to the best of our knowledge and belief, he is free from all disease, taint, defect, deformity or hereditary blemish, saving as noted herein.

Temperature _per ora_, 98.6. Pulse, 76, strong. Respiration, 28.5.

Wa.s.sermann,--2. Hb., 114%. Phthalein, 1st. hr., 46%; 2nd hr., 21%. W. B.

C., 8,925. Free gastric HCl, 11.5%. No stasis. No lactic acid. Blood pressure, 122/77. No alb.u.minuria. No glycosuria. Lumbar puncture: clear fluid, normal pressure.

Defects Noted. 1. Left heel jerk feeble. 2. Caries in five molars. 3.

Slight acne rosacea. 4. Slight inequality of curvature in meridians of right cornea. 5. Nicotine stain on right forefinger, extending to middle of second phalanx.

(_Signed_) SIGISMUND KRAUS, M.D.

WM. T. ROBERTSON, M.D.

JAMES SIMPSON, M.D.

Subscribed and sworn to before me, a Notary Public for the Borough of Manhattan, City of New York, State of New York.

_(Seal_) ABRAHAM LECHEt.i.tSKY.

So much for the reading of the minutes. (_To_ THE BRIDE): Now for yours, my dear.

(THE BRIDE _hands up a similar envelope, from which_ THE CLERGYMAN _extracts a similar doc.u.ment. But instead of reading it aloud, he delicately runs his eye through it in silence._)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_The reading finished_) Very good. Very creditable. You must see some good oculist about your astigmatism, my dear. Surely you want to avoid gla.s.ses. Come to my study on your return and I'll give you the name of a trustworthy man. And now let us proceed with the ceremony of marriage.

(_To_ THE BRIDEGROOM): John, wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together in the holy state of eugenic matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, protect her from all protozoa and bacteria, and keep her in good health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee unto her only, so long as ye both shall live? If so, hold out your tongue.

(THE BRIDEGROOM _holds out his tongue and_ THE CLERGYMAN _inspects it critically._)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Somewhat dubiously_) Fair. I have seen worse.... Do you smoke?

THE BRIDEGROOM

(_Obviously lying_) Not much.

THE CLERGYMAN

Well, _how_ much?

THE BRIDEGROOM

Say ten cigarettes a day.

THE CLERGYMAN

And the stain noted on your right posterior phalanx by the learned medical examiners?

THE BRIDEGROOM

Well, say fifteen.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Waggishly_) Or twenty to be safe. Better taper off to ten. At all events, make twenty the limit. How about the booze?