A Book of Burlesques Part 20

Not so fast! First, there is the little ceremony of the clinical thermometers. (_He takes up one of the thermometers._) Open your mouth, my dear. (_He Inserts the thermometer._) Now hold it there while you count one hundred and fifty. And you, too. (_To_ THE BRIDEGROOM.) I had almost forgotten you. (THE BRIDEGROOM _opens his mouth and the other thermometer is duly planted. While the two are counting_, THE CLERGYMAN _attempts to turn back one of_ THE BRIDE'S _eyelids, apparently searching for trachoma, but his rubber gloves impede the operation and so he gives it up. It is now time to read the thermometers._ THE BRIDEGROOM'S _is first removed._)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Reading the scale_) Ninety-nine point nine. Considering everything, not so bad. (_Then he removes and reads_ THE BRIDE'S.) Ninety-eight point six. Exactly normal. Cool, collected, at ease. The cla.s.sical self-possession of the party of the second part. And now, my dear, may I ask you to hold out your tongue? (THE BRIDE _does so._)

THE CLERGYMAN

Perfect.... There; that will do. Put it back.... And now for a few questions--just a few. First, do you use opiates in any form?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Have you ever had goitre?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Yellow fever?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Haematomata?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Siriasis or tachycardia?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

What did your maternal grandfather die of?

THE BRIDE

Of chronic interst.i.tial nephritis.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Interested_) Ah, our old friend Bright's! A typical case, I take, with the usual polyuria, oedema of the glottis, flame-shaped retinal hemorrhages and cardiac dilatation?

THE BRIDE

Exactly.

THE CLERGYMAN

And terminating, I suppose, with the cla.s.sical uraemic symptoms--dyspnoea, convulsions, uraemic amaurosis, coma and collapse?

THE BRIDE

Including Cheyne-Stokes breathing.

THE CLERGYMAN

Ah, most interesting! A protean and beautiful malady! But at the moment, of course, we can't discuss it profitably. Perhaps later on.... Your father, I a.s.sume, is alive?

THE BRIDE

(_Indicating him_) Yes.

THE CLERGYMAN