Happy Thought Hall Part 36

He offers to do my face for me; and does it at once with burnt cork, red and white.

Then he goes to dress.

I am alone. It is a good idea enlisting under, as it were, his banner, then he won't annoy _me_. The fire's out here, and changing my dress at this time has made me cold.

_Meditations by myself when in a costume something between a naval officer, a Spanish grandee, and Richard the Third._--What _can_ be the fun of dressing up? It is so much more comfortable in your own things.

And a charade's a bore. At least, it bores the audience, I'm sure. And if there are people acting who say all sorts of nonsense, and do anything, there's no art in it... Nine o'clock. I wish he'd brought a longer candle, and would be quicker in dressing. He's gone to his own room, perhaps, to dress, or is arranging the performance........ It's a melancholy thing to be in these clothes. I wonder if they were made for some great actor, or whether they were once the real thing? No, that's impossible..... I wish Miss Medford was going to take a part--perhaps she is.... unless that's her touch on the piano. The overture probably..... It's so cold in here, I must walk about..... The candle is burning down.

_Happy Thought._--Ring and ask for another candle, and for Mr. Layder.

Maid servant enters ... gives a shriek and a start, and then--poor girl!.... faints.

There is no water at hand....

I don't like to touch her.

I've got an idea that people in that state bite, scratch, and kick, if touched.

_Happy Thought._--Let ill alone.

I ring violently.

Enter Butler. Fortunately Madame Regniati's maid pa.s.ses, with salts.

The girl recovers consciousness. She revives and says I frightened her.

I ask the butler to look for Mr. Layder.

Butler thinks they're all in the theatre-room hearing some lecture. 10 o'clock.

I wait a quarter of an hour.

It's too bad. I'll take these stupid things off.

Enter Boodels. "Hallo!" he cries. "What on earth are you got up like this for?"

I say, testily, "I don't know."

Boodels continues. "Miss Cherton's maid 's been complaining, and says you've been playing tricks on her. Come! _Do_ take off those things."

_Do!_ I don't want pressing. I have been for an hour and a half dressed up here, with my face painted like a Red Indian, and as cold as ice.

Layder enters. "Oh, my dear fellow, a thousand pardons. I quite forgot you were here; and we suddenly--I mean the ladies, suddenly altered the programme and wanted me to sing and do some nonsense, so I could not refuse."

_Happy Thought._--(I'll vote against his invitation being renewed after this week). Say nothing.

I find that Jenkyns Soames, induced to put on a sort of Conjuror's dress, has been waiting to deliver his lecture the same time that I have; he is equally cold, but not cross, as he antic.i.p.ates being a means of instruction to the party.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Milburd and Layder have arranged the Professor's gla.s.s bottles, gla.s.s jars, retorts, and all the other articles requisite for a Chemical Lecture.

He informs us, that, owing to his friend Mr. Layder's kindness, and to the accident of his having brought with him a few chemicals, he (the Professor) will be enabled to give us an amusing and instructive discourse.

"With experiments," adds Layder gravely, from his seat.

_Happy Thought._--Get as far away from the lecturer as possible. Near the door.

The ladies being nervous, are re-a.s.sured by Milburd and Layder, who say (in answer to Madame Regniati,) that, "there is to be no firing," and further, that "there is no experiment on the table which can _hurt the audience_." This latter observation is added _sotto voce_, and is evidently not intended for the Professor's ears.

Jenkyns Soames commences he says with Hydrogen. (_Hear! hear!_ from Milburd and Layder.)

"Hydrogen," he goes on, "is a most powerful refractor."

"O my Jo!" exclaims the Signor in the front row, which he evidently thinks is too near. "It vill go off, and 'urt some-bod-dy."

The Professor informs him, that Hydrogen mixed with Atmospheric air, in the proportion of two to five, will explode; but he does not mean to exhibit this peculiarity of Hydrogen. He shows us how the lime-light is obtained, and requests that the room may be darkened. Milburd and Layder, turn down the gas, and remove the candles.

This is done too suddenly for the Professor, who has some trouble in finding the right materials in the dark.

At last he has them. "I will now," he says, "show you the lime-light. A light of such steadiness and intensity, that it appears to us quite blinding in its power."

The immediate result is a fizz, a spark, and then we are in total darkness once more. The Professor tries again, another fizz, no spark.

Madame Regniati begs that the lights may be restored, and asks him to try something else.

Apologising for the lime-light (I see Milburd and Layder exchanging winks). The Professor pa.s.ses on to Oxygen.

He shows us a jar of Oxygen. Experiments with an incandescent piece of wood. (_Applause._)

Another with phosphorus, and another with charcoal. (_Great applause, and nothing having happened, we feel ourselves in comparative safety.

Madame observes, that she doesn't like anybody playing with fire._)

His next theme is "Inexplosive Gases."

_Professor._--I will now proceed to mix two colourless bodies which, explosive in themselves, neutralize each other's qualities on combination. You will observe that the same process is used in pouring one gas out of one jar into another, as in pouring water, and it is equally harmless. Here, for instance, is an empty jar, and here is a gla.s.s jar full of water. I wish to pour the water from the gla.s.s jar into the earthen one. (_Hear, hear!_ from Milburd.) I proceed to do so, and can a.s.sure you that the experiment with the gases, is not more harmless and simple than this, with the water.

He pours the water out of the gla.s.s jar into the earthenware one. In one second follows a series of sharp reports from inside the jar, which seems suddenly to have become filled with highly combustible crackers.

The Professor drops the jar as if he had burnt his fingers, and the cracking and popping go on inside. Ladies rise frightened. Layder suddenly addresses them:

"There's no sort of danger," he says; "the jar won't burst. I dropped an explosive pellet into it some time ago, and it hasn't been taken out, that's all. The explosive pellets," he adds, modestly, "are my own invention, and chemically prepared, only to burn in water."

The cracking has ceased. Layder goes out, ostensibly to see if he can procure another jar.

In his absence the ladies observe that the 'cracking thing,' whatever it was, has left a nasty smell in the room.

The Professor, with a smile, thinks that he can obviate this unpleasantness. He has come across a fluid among the chemicals labelled "_Parfum du Paradis_." The direction upon it is simply, "_Pour it out into a saucer, and everyone will be delighted at the refres.h.i.+ng and delicious odour which will instantaneously pervade even the largest apartment._"

The Professor, after uncorking and putting his nose to it, p.r.o.nounces his opinion that the liquid is inodorous, and must have been kept too long in bottle.

"However," says he, "I will follow the direction."