The Alchemist Part 8

FACE. Why, would you be A gallant, and not game?

KAS. Ay, 'twill spend a man.

FACE. Spend you! it will repair you when you are spent: How do they live by their wits there, that have vented Six times your fortunes?

KAS. What, three thousand a-year!

FACE. Ay, forty thousand.

KAS. Are there such?

FACE. Ay, sir, And gallants yet. Here's a young gentleman Is born to nothing, -- [POINTS TO DAPPER.] forty marks a year, Which I count nothing: -- he is to be initiated, And have a fly of the doctor. He will win you, By unresistible luck, within this fortnight, Enough to buy a barony. They will set him Upmost, at the groom porter's, all the Christmas: And for the whole year through, at every place, Where there is play, present him with the chair; The best attendance, the best drink; sometimes Two gla.s.ses of Canary, and pay nothing; The purest linen, and the sharpest knife, The partridge next his trencher: and somewhere The dainty bed, in private, with the dainty. You shall have your ordinaries bid for him, As play-houses for a poet; and the master Pray him aloud to name what dish he affects, Which must be b.u.t.ter'd shrimps: and those that drink To no mouth else, will drink to his, as being The goodly president mouth of all the board.

KAS. Do you not gull one?

FACE. 'Ods my life! do you think it? You shall have a cast commander, (can but get In credit with a glover, or a spurrier, For some two pair of either's ware aforehand,) Will, by most swift posts, dealing [but] with him, Arrive at competent means to keep himself, His punk and naked boy, in excellent fas.h.i.+on, And be admired for't.

KAS. Will the doctor teach this?

FACE. He will do more, sir: when your land is gone, As men of spirit hate to keep earth long, In a vacation, when small money is stirring, And ordinaries suspended till the term, He'll shew a perspective, where on one side You shall behold the faces and the persons Of all sufficient young heirs in town, Whose bonds are current for commodity; On th' other side, the merchants' forms, and others, That without help of any second broker, Who would expect a share, will trust such parcels: In the third square, the very street and sign Where the commodity dwells, and does but wait To be deliver'd, be it pepper, soap, Hops, or tobacco, oatmeal, woad, or cheeses. All which you may so handle, to enjoy To your own use, and never stand obliged.

KAS. I'faith! is he such a fellow?

FACE. Why, Nab here knows him. And then for making matches for rich widows, Young gentlewomen, heirs, the fortunat'st man! He's sent to, far and near, all over England, To have his counsel, and to know their fortunes.

KAS. G.o.d's will, my suster shall see him.

FACE. I'll tell you, sir, What he did tell me of Nab. It's a strange thing: -- By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab, it breeds melancholy, And that same melancholy breeds worms; but pa.s.s it: -- He told me, honest Nab here was ne'er at tavern But once in's life!

DRUG. Truth, and no more I was not.

FACE. And then he was so sick -- DRUG. Could he tell you that too?

FACE. How should I know it?

DRUG. In troth we had been a shooting, And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper, That lay so heavy o' my stomach -- FACE. And he has no head To bear any wine; for what with the noise of the fidlers, And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants -- DRUG. My head did so ach -- FACE. And he was fain to be brought home, The doctor told me: and then a good old woman -- DRUG. Yes, faith, she dwells in Sea-coal-lane, -- did cure me, With sodden ale, and pellitory of the wall; Cost me but two-pence. I had another sickness Was worse than that.

FACE. Ay, that was with the grief Thou took'st for being cess'd at eighteen-pence, For the water-work.

DRUG. In truth, and it was like T' have cost me almost my life.

FACE. Thy hair went off?

DRUG. Yes, sir; 'twas done for spight.

FACE. Nay, so says the doctor.

KAS. Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my suster; I'll see this learned boy before I go; And so shall she.

FACE. Sir, he is busy now: But if you have a sister to fetch hither, Perhaps your own pains may command her sooner; And he by that time will be free.

KAS. I go.

[EXIT.]

FACE. Drugger, she's thine: the damask! -- [EXIT ABEL.] Subtle and I Must wrestle for her. [ASIDE.] -- Come on, master Dapper, You see how I turn clients here away, To give your cause dispatch; have you perform'd The ceremonies were enjoin'd you?

DAP. Yes, of the vinegar, And the clean s.h.i.+rt.

FACE. 'Tis well: that s.h.i.+rt may do you More wors.h.i.+p than you think. Your aunt's a-fire, But that she will not shew it, t' have a sight of you. Have you provided for her grace's servants?

DAP. Yes, here are six score Edward s.h.i.+llings.

FACE. Good!

DAP. And an old Harry's sovereign.

FACE. Very good!

DAP. And three James s.h.i.+llings, and an Elizabeth groat, Just twenty n.o.bles.

FACE. O, you are too just. I would you had had the other n.o.ble in Maries.

DAP. I have some Philip and Maries.

FACE. Ay, those same Are best of all: where are they? Hark, the doctor.

[ENTER SUBTLE, DISGUISED LIKE A PRIEST OF FAIRY, WITH A STRIPE OF CLOTH.]

SUB [IN A FEIGNED VOICE]. Is yet her grace's cousin come?

FACE. He is come.

SUB. And is he fasting?

FACE. Yes.

SUB. And hath cried hum?

FACE. Thrice, you must answer.

DAP. Thrice.

SUB. And as oft buz?

FACE. If you have, say.

DAP. I have.

SUB. Then, to her cuz, Hoping that he hath vinegar'd his senses, As he was bid, the Fairy queen dispenses, By me, this robe, the petticoat of fortune; Which that he straight put on, she doth importune. And though to fortune near be her petticoat, Yet nearer is her smock, the queen doth note: And therefore, ev'n of that a piece she hath sent Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent; And prays him for a scarf he now will wear it, With as much love as then her grace did tear it, About his eyes, [THEY BLIND HIM WITH THE RAG,] to shew he is fortunate. And, trusting unto her to make his state, He'll throw away all worldly pelf about him; Which that he will perform, she doth not doubt him.

FACE. She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothing, But what he will part withal as willingly, Upon her grace's word -- throw away your purse -- As she would ask it; -- handkerchiefs and all -- [HE THROWS AWAY, AS THEY BID HIM.] She cannot bid that thing, but he'll obey. -- If you have a ring about you, cast it off, Or a silver seal at your wrist; her grace will send Her fairies here to search you, therefore deal Directly with her highness: if they find That you conceal a mite, you are undone.

DAP. Truly, there's all.

FACE. All what?

DAP. My money; truly.

FACE. Keep nothing that is transitory about you. [ASIDE TO SUBTLE.] Bid Dol play music. -- [DOL PLAYS ON THE CITTERN WITHIN.] Look, the elves are come. To pinch you, if you tell not truth. Advise you.

[THEY PINCH HIM.]

DAP. O! I have a paper with a spur-ryal in't.

FACE. Ti, ti. They knew't, they say.

SUB. Ti, ti, ti, ti. He has more yet.

FACE. Ti, ti-ti-ti. [ASIDE TO SUB.] In the other pocket.

SUB. t.i.ti, t.i.ti, t.i.ti, t.i.ti, t.i.ti. They must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.

[THEY PINCH HIM AGAIN.]

DAP. O, O!

FACE. Nay, pray you, hold: he is her grace's nephew, Ti, ti, ti? What care you? good faith, you shall care. -- Deal plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. Shew You are innocent.

DAP. By this good light, I have nothing.

SUB. Ti, ti, ti, ti, to, ta. He does equivocate she says: Ti, ti do ti, ti ti do, ti da; and swears by the LIGHT when he is blinded.

DAP. By this good DARK, I have nothing but a half-crown Of gold about my wrist, that my love gave me; And a leaden heart I wore since she forsook me.

FACE. I thought 'twas something. And would you incur Your aunt's displeasure for these trifles? Come, I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns. [TAKES IT OFF.] You may wear your leaden heart still. -- [ENTER DOL HASTILY.] How now!

SUB. What news, Dol?

DOL. Yonder's your knight, sir Mammon.

FACE. 'Ods lid, we never thought of him till now! Where is he?

DOL. Here hard by: he is at the door.

SUB. And you are not ready now! Dol, get his suit. [EXIT DOL.] He must not be sent back.

FACE. O, by no means. What shall we do with this same puffin here, Now he's on the spit?

SUB. Why, lay him back awhile, With some device. [RE-ENTER DOL, WITH FACE'S CLOTHES.] -- Ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, Would her grace speak with me? I come. -- Help, Dol!

[KNOCKING WITHOUT.]

FACE [SPEAKS THROUGH THE KEYHOLE]. Who's there? sir Epicure, My master's in the way. Please you to walk Three or four turns, but till his back be turned, And I am for you. -- Quickly, Dol!

SUB. Her grace Commends her kindly to you, master Dapper.

DAP. I long to see her grace.

SUB. She now is set At dinner in her bed, and she has sent you From her own private trencher, a dead mouse, And a piece of gingerbread, to be merry withal, And stay your stomach, lest you faint with fasting: Yet if you could hold out till she saw you, she says, It would be better for you.

FACE. Sir, he shall Hold out, an 'twere this two hours, for her highness; I can a.s.sure you that. We will not lose All we have done. -- SUB. He must not see, nor speak To any body, till then.

FACE. For that we'll put, sir, A stay in's mouth.

SUB. Of what?

FACE. Of gingerbread. Make you it fit. He that hath pleas'd her grace Thus far, shall not now crincle for a little. -- Gape, sir, and let him fit you.

[THEY THRUST A GAG OF GINGERBREAD IN HIS MOUTH.]

SUB. Where shall we now Bestow him?

DOL. In the privy.

SUB. Come along, sir, I now must shew you Fortune's privy lodgings.

FACE. Are they perfumed, and his bath ready?

SUB. All: Only the fumigation's somewhat strong.

FACE [SPEAKING THROUGH THE KEYHOLE]. Sir Epicure, I am yours, sir, by and by.

[EXEUNT WITH DAPPER.]

ACT 4. SCENE 4.1.

A ROOM IN LOVEWIT'S HOUSE.

ENTER FACE AND MAMMON.

FACE. O sir, you're come in the only finest time. -- MAM. Where's master?

FACE. Now preparing for projection, sir. Your stuff will be all changed shortly.

MAM. Into gold?

FACE. To gold and silver, sir.