Pandaemonium Part 29

Kirk thinks of Mr Kane's words that day: if you start s.h.i.+ning in the cla.s.sroom, who's going to dare give Kirk Burns any s.h.i.+te for it? if you start s.h.i.+ning in the cla.s.sroom, who's going to dare give Kirk Burns any s.h.i.+te for it? What was true then is even more true of this. What was true then is even more true of this.

'Doesn't make it any less frightening, does it?'

'No,' Matt agrees.

'Though this fair puts it into perspective. When there's f.u.c.kin' monsters loose in the world, it seems crazy that anybody should give a f.u.c.k whether you're into girls or guys.'

'Heresy, dear boy. Pope Benedict said h.o.m.os.e.xuals are as great a threat as global warming.'

To his surprise, Kirk finds it in himself to laugh, and glances instinctively into the trees in response to having made an involuntarily loud sound.

'Just goes to show,' Matt adds, 'you can take the boy out of the Hitler Youth, but you-'

Kirk feels another warm spray, accompanied by a dull thud that shakes him through the tree trunk. When he looks again at Matt, his head has been split down the middle by an axe, buried in his skull all the way to the bridge of his nose.

Kirk barely has time to react before he sees a second demon coming at him, swinging a heavy, awkward object. He throws himself over the side of the tree trunk as the object crashes into the wood where he was sitting. Its weight and solidity would have surely been enough to smash his skull, but its ungainliness bought him the fraction of a second that kept him alive.

Kirk looks for the stick, realises it's on the ground on the other side of the trunk. The demon lifts its weapon again, its partner meanwhile struggling to disembed the axe from Matt's head. Kirk sees the object clearly now and recognises two things: one, that it is a chainsaw; and two, given that said chainsaw isn't turned on, he's not looking at the dux of Beelzebub High.

Kirk takes a short run and dives at the b.a.s.t.a.r.d, hurling himself over the tree trunk and slamming into the demon on the other side. They both crash to the ground and roll over a couple of times in a thras.h.i.+ng tangle. Kirk takes a couple of slashes from its claws, but when he rolls free, he can see that he has disarmed his opponent.

The other demon has now got Matt on the deck and has a foot on his head to increase its purchase in removing the axe.

Kirk springs up into a defensive crouch, keeping his eyes on his foe. Both his stick and the chainsaw are lying on the ground between them, his position several feet closer to the latter. The demon rushes forward and picks up the stick. It brandishes its new weapon as Kirk hefts the chainsaw, letting out a sneering hiss that suggests it is pleased with this turn of events.

To each his own.

'Jolly sporting of you, old chap,' Kirk says.

He pulls the starter cord, prompting the chainsaw to buzz into life.

Vengeance follows.

Sendak is crouching down beside Blake with an arm around his shoulders.

'Gotta let go, okay?' he says.

There is another wallop against the door, shuddering the upended contents inside the fridge.

Blake nods. He's reluctant but he understands. As long as this moment endures, this moment of holding Kane's head and weeping for him, then he doesn't have to deal with the next one. The a.s.saults on the kitchen door, however, deny him the luxury of prolonging it.

He lets Kane's head come down gently to rest on the floor and climbs to his feet, Sendak close by to steady him if needed. He looks around, sees a room full of scared people. It feels like he's been away from them for ages, in some other place: somewhere calm where he didn't feel fear, only grief. Now that he's back, he sees their fear but doesn't feel his own. He's not quite ready yet to feel anything at all.

Sendak taps his chin, makes him look into his face.

'How you doin', man?'

'Been better,' he replies. 'Yourself?'

'I'm having limited fun right now.'

'Copy that, as I believe the expression-'

Sendak puts a hand to Blake's mouth and casts an urgent glance towards the windows.

's.h.i.+t. Kill the lights. Now.'

Rocks reaches quickly for the switches and complies. The room doesn't plunge into complete darkness, but is instead spa.r.s.ely illuminated by the windows, transformed from black mirrors into providing a dim view of the grounds outside.

Demons are emerging from the gloom, making their way directly towards the kitchen, which until seconds ago must have looked like a shop window to these b.a.s.t.a.r.ds. They're tooled up. One is carrying a pitchfork, one a machete, another an axe; one of the f.u.c.kers even has a scythe.

'Been raiding my barn,' Sendak says grimly. 'All we we got is f.u.c.kin' sports goods and kitchenware. got is f.u.c.kin' sports goods and kitchenware. G.o.d d.a.m.n it G.o.d d.a.m.n it.'

'No such thing as an atheist in a foxhole then,' Blake says. It's about all he can manage by way of gallows humour.

Sendak nods, keeping his eyes on the windows. 'That's right,' he says in a low register. 'Everybody converts when their life is at stake. Everybody. No matter what they profess to believe. When the s.h.i.+t hits, they all convert.' Then he glances briefly at Blake with the most grimly serious face the priest has ever seen, and adds: 'To atheism.'

Sendak checks his grip on the baseball bat and stares at the approaching horde. 'Anybody who truly believes there's a better world waiting for them just as soon as they leave this one ain't gonna take evasive action to put that off. If you believe that s.h.i.+t, then you go throw yourself out there and buy the rest of us some time, because I sure ain't trusting you to get my back. What do you say?'

Blake swallows and picks up a sharpening steel, the only weapon left.

'I've got your back,' he tells Sendak.

'Good man. There are only only atheists in foxholes, Father, because that's when you realise this is all you got, and if there's gonna be a solution, it's gotta be man-made.' atheists in foxholes, Father, because that's when you realise this is all you got, and if there's gonna be a solution, it's gotta be man-made.'

The approaching demons are less than ten yards away. Another shuddering impact shakes the upturned fridge, a section of the door frame coming loose in a cloud of exploding plaster dust.

Yvonne and Caitlin shove the fridge back hard against the door while Beansy and Rocks stand facing the window, weapons in hand. Every one of them looks terrified; even Sendak's face betrays that he doesn't fancy their chances, though only Blake is close enough to see this.

Through the windows, the nearest two of the demons is close enough for Blake to make eye contact.

Then from outside, there comes the quite implausible sound of someone singing.

'Iiiiiiii'm a lumberjack and I'm okay . . .'

Blake wonders for a second whether he is really hearing this, then receives his answer when the creature he'd been staring at turns to investigate where the sound is coming from. The moment it does, a severed demon head smacks it in the face with bone-shattering impact, before a human figure comes charging out of the darkness, revving a chainsaw.

The nearest demon lunges at him and is promptly disembowelled with demonstrable and vocal alacrity. Then he moves on to the one reeling from its recent concussion, relieving its headache by the non-prescription expedient of relieving it of its head.

Blake gawps in a kind of gruesome awe at this spectacle of fervent carnage.

'Jesus Christ,' he mumbles.

'Naw,' corrects Rocks in elation. 'Kirk Burns.'

Sendak pats Blake on the shoulder. 'Man-made solution,' he says.

Outside, the remaining demons have sussed the odds and are making for the trees, Kirk shouting after them.

'Aye, yous better run, ya Hun-lookin' b.a.s.t.a.r.ds. You kick the a.r.s.e out of bein' ugly.'

Sendak puts down his blade and swings open one of the windows.

'In here, come on,' he calls.

Kirk switches off the chainsaw and hands it across, then retrieves the abandoned axe also before clambering through the gap. His clothes are spattered with black blood, his top ripped at one shoulder.

'You all right?' Sendak asks.

'Aye, but I'm no' sure I'll get a second day out of this T-s.h.i.+rt.'

Then Kirk spots the body on the floor.

'Aw, f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k.'

He kicks out in anger, booting an oven door. 'f.u.c.king b.a.s.t.a.r.ds. They got Matt. Ewan . . . Dazza.'

'Christ,' says Rocks. Caitlin takes his hand and he's grateful for the feel of it, though it's not enough: it's like a trickle of water that only lets you know how thirsty you are. He pulls her against him. No more, he thinks. They're not getting anyone else.

Kirk is shaking his head grimly.

'I'll never kill enough of these c.u.n.ts. Never.'

Sendak grips him around the uninjured shoulder.

'I hear you, man. I hear all of you. But we got work to do right now.'

On cue, the door leading to the executive dining room takes another thump. Kirk picks up the chainsaw again.

Sendak nods towards the other door.

'Need to get down this corridor to the games hall. But we got a visitor waiting out here, okay?'

Kirk yanks the starter cord.

'I'll introduce him to my wee pal.'

Sendak and Blake remove the barricade, shoving the island unit back into the centre of the room and clearing a s.p.a.ce for everyone to a.s.semble, ready to run. Sendak counts down with three fingers and grips the handle.

He opens the door, revealing the corridor to be empty. This time, however, he sticks his head out and checks above. It's all clear.

'Okay, everybody, let's move it out, fast.'

Kirk leads the way. Sendak remains at the door, ushering the others through and protecting the rearguard once they are in the corridor. He's ditched the bat for an axe in one hand, a knife in the other.

They move steadily but cautiously down the corridor, not going flat out because of what they might run into. Kirk keeps his eyes darting around, ready to react to movement.

There is a crash from behind.

'Keep looking forward, people,' Sendak shouts, though it's his duty not to heed his own instruction. He glances back to the kitchen: a demon has smashed through one of the windows and landed awkwardly on top of a cooker. Its feet scramble for purchase, kicking - and, he fears, turning - a couple of the gas taps in the process.

A second demon clambers through the jagged gap, letting out a defiant roar. Yeah, you're all real tough when the chainsaw's out of range.

Rocks can't prevent himself glancing back when he hears this noise. Though it won't make any difference, he needs to know how close it is. As he turns his head, he's aware of a frantic movement at his side and sees Caitlin lifting into the air, screaming. A demon has burst through the ceiling tiles and grabbed her around the neck.

Rocks gets one hand around Caitlin's waist and plunges his knife into the demon's arm with the other until he feels the blade strike bone. The creature lets go and retreats, shrinking rapidly back out of sight.

'f.u.c.k, they're in the crawl s.p.a.ce,' Sendak warns. 'Could come from anywhere. Just run. Fast as you can, run.'

A ceiling tile explodes in front of Kirk as he reaches the corner, a demon dropping from it a few feet past where he is supposed to turn left. It didn't get the memo about the chainsaw. Kirk lets his momentum take him beyond the turn and rips into it while the others hurry past at his back.

Sendak tugs him away from his work. The creature is not dead, but it's not posing a threat either, and he won't be feeling any guilt about not administering a coup de grace coup de grace.

Another tile explodes from the ceiling behind Sendak. Kirk starts to turn, but the Sarge screams at him to keep moving. Sendak checks back, as the incursion sounded very close behind. Sure enough, one of the f.u.c.kers has. .h.i.t the floor only a few feet away and is preparing to spring. Sendak alters his stance just a little, adjusting his weight, and lets the creature's own lunge take it into his axe. He knows immediately from the impact that the weapon is not coming back out again, so he abandons it, letting go of the shaft and resuming his sprint. Just before he turns, he sees two more demons scramble around the corner, coming from the kitchen.

Rebecca reaches the games hall first, her long legs having retained their memory of when she was the girls' fastest sprinter in the days before she discovered make-up and charge cards. In her previous catatonia, however, she must have missed enough of the discussion as to be incredulous to the point of despair at finding the doors locked against her.

She bangs her hands against them in terrified frustration and turns around with a look of anguish on her face, seemingly unable to speak.

Fortunately Caitlin, the wee quiet la.s.sie, has voice enough for both of them.

'OPEN THE DOORS. OPEN THE f.u.c.kING DOORS RIGHT NOW!' she yells as she covers the last few yards along the pa.s.sage.

She can hear movement from within, the sound of a heavy object sc.r.a.ping the floor, but for an excruciatingly enduring moment, the doors remain fast. Caitlin looks back at the stampede heading towards her, seconds from being cornered. She can see demons in avid pursuit, one of them leaping from wall to wall, gaining momentum like a pinball zig-zagging against spring-loaded buffers.

The doors give an antic.i.p.atory shake as a bolt is slid free, then finally begin to swing apart. Caitlin, Rocks and Rebecca burst through the widening gap, almost flattening Maria and Roisin. Just behind them, Jason and Radar are standing next to a set of five-a-side goals, ready to slide them back into place. Yvonne gets through next, escorted by Beansy.

Caitlin's relief at the doors opening lasts only long enough for her to begin worrying about how long they must stay that way. She glances back down the hallway in time to see the wall-bounding demon overtake Sendak and evade Kirk's chainsaw by crawling above his reach along the ceiling. It is bearing down rapidly on Father Blake, who is not going to make it to the door in time.

Caitlin is about to close her eyes when she is barged violently aside. She reels, steadies herself and finds Adnan standing where she had been, viewing the corridor along the barrel of a shotgun.

'Get down,' he commands the approaching priest.

Blake dives and Adnan fires, splattering the demon.

'Owned,' Adnan declares.

Kirk stops at the doorway and waves Sendak past him, keeping his eyes and his chainsaw pointed down the pa.s.sage before stepping backwards into the games hall.

Adnan pumps the shotgun and takes aim at the next demon, but before he can shoot, the doors are slammed closed and the barricade restored.