Mr. World and Miss Church-Member Part 19

"Remain standing, ye n.o.ble band of men and women!" shouted the Kansas man with increasing earnestness. "You, who are too cowardly or indifferent to rise from your seats, are throwing your influence this day on the side of the enemy, thereby casting a reflection on the church of our Lord Jesus Christ, and--"

This was more than a certain minister could bear. So, before the Kansas man had finished his last sentence, he sprang excitedly to his feet and shook his fist defiantly: "I want it distinctly understood that I am just as good as the man from Kansas, and just as much of a temperance man, but I don't believe in this way of showing my colors.

I would not be standing now had I not been insulted more by that crank of one idea, standing there, than by Mr. Wine Expert who so contemptibly perverted Scripture."

Mr. Wine Expert sprang to the edge of the stage to defend his position, but Mr. Venerable was instantly at his side. "_Come, come, don't spoil that fight; suffer rather than have them combine against you,_" were the quiet words of logic that brought him to his seat without uttering a word.

Then up jumped a few prominent church-members to express their indignation at the adverse criticism of the Kansas man.

"Those are exactly my sentiments, and I here offer my protest against this manner of procedure," said one as he looked approvingly at the minister.

"And so do I." "I am most emphatically of the same opinion." "I stand here, a true temperance man, to express my indignation at that Kansas prodigy," were some of the expressions which came from temperance men who were not willing to be cla.s.sed with the seven thousand.

Then upwards of one hundred women rose to their feet and indignantly rebuked the Kansas man for his misjudgment in starting this factional display. This provoked some radical leaders of the W. C. T. U. who chanced to be there as detectives or visitors. They also arose in defense of the Kansas man.

I saw the tumult rising. Disorder was pre-dominant. Hundreds tried to speak at once. Saloon-keepers, brewers, whiskey politicians, and the professors on the stage were smiling in ghoulish glee. They enjoyed it more than a prize fight, and the results were at once more disastrous and more deplorable.

As the conflict waxed hotter some men and women were screaming, and some fainting, and some resorted to blows. Others scrambled to get from the room. The elevators were put in quick service, and I saw Mr.

World and Miss Church-Member, with thousands of others, running from the scene of the fight.

"Let us go to another building," suggested Miss Church-Member.

A very short time after this I saw them enter the largest building of all the Temperance College. It stood centrally amongst the great group, and was devoted to "_Hygiene and Temperance._"

[Ill.u.s.tration: A Scene in the Devils Temperance College The fight between the temperence factions was greatly enjoyed by the saloon- keepers, brewers, and whisky politicians.]

After learning that they came as visitors, a director advised them to pa.s.s the many medical wings on separate flats and go to the great auditorium on one of the higher floors. Proceeding, in obedience to the advice given, they soon beheld a room of greater size and magnificence than the one which they had just left, and as they were taking seats they fixed their attention on the lecturer who had already been speaking for an hour. He was discoursing on the relation of strong drink to the stomach.

"It must be remembered," affirmed he, "that the stomach was made to serve man. The appet.i.te is the true criterion by which he may know what his body needs. If he feels a thirst for alcoholic drink, it is akin to a hunger for any special cla.s.s of foods. He is not to ask his servant, the stomach, whether it is willing to do the work of transformation. He is to give it the work to do. The stomach will do it, unless that particular digestive function is lost. It is claimed by some who know more about ditch-digging than about physiology, that alcoholic beverages ruin the lining of the stomach, creating ulcers, and other disorders. This kind of teaching reminds me of a conundrum.

'Why is a scientific temperance man like a dead man in his coffin?'

Who can answer it?"

"Because each one ought to be buried," guessed a liquor-merchant from Paris. (Laughter.)

"A good guess," said the speaker, but you have not yet hit the mark."

"Because needer von dem is vert any ding," said the proprietor of a beer-saloon from Germany. (Increased laughter.)

"You are still away from my idea," spoke the lecturer.

"I know it," said a rum-lawyer. "It is because they both lie."

(Applause.)

"That's exactly the truth of the matter. These so-called 'scientific temperance men' are accountable for more lies imposed on a credulous public than can be corrected for many years to come. Any sensible man knows that moderate drinking is healthful to the stomach. If a man drinks too much, he is liable to trouble, just like a man who eats too much, or sleeps too much, or even talks too much about temperance.

(Applause and laughter.) I tell you, my good friends, a little of that elixir of life is just as good for my stomach as it was for Timothy's, and the good man Paul would say the same thing if he were here to-day.

(Cries from the world of "that's so!" and "hurrah for Paul!") I am satisfied to have a great man like Paul on my side, even if I must know that some of his pigmy disciples are against me." (Increased applause.)

This speech was especially enjoyed by Mr. World who himself was addicted to a moderate use of alcoholic beverages. An announcement came from the platform that in an hour the eminent Dr. Strauss of Europe would discourse on "The Effect of Malt Liquors on the Heart," and those who wished to remain might spend the interim in social intercourse.

In consequence of this announcement the major part of the audience dispersed in varying groups, and discussed the merits of the lecture just ended.

Every creed was there represented by a few or more of its members, many of whom were favorably and deeply impressed by the argument of the Devil as it was given in the address.

Others I saw, not a few, who laid bare this iniquitous scheme of presenting the untruth, and declared that they would no more give ear to any teaching that came from that source.

This gave rise to endless quibblings and contentions between church-members of the same faith and those of separate creeds. These disputes continued with increasing bitterness until the hour had pa.s.sed.

All eyes were fixed upon the stage as the portly Dr. Strauss arose to speak. His voice at first was slow and deep, and in all he was the personification of dignity. The first part of his lecture was a very convincing argument in favor of what is called the "_Normal Use of Malt Liquors_." He declared that moderate drinking could have no evil effect on the action of the heart, except in rare cases. To prove his general statement and to win the confidence of his hearers, he quoted over forty printed and written extracts from eminent physicians of the world.

After this general survey of his argument, he entered into details and ill.u.s.trated the second division of his lecture by the use of pictorial charts. In this manner the construction and action of the heart were concretely shown.

In the third division of the lecture the Prince of Darkness showed his skill in manipulating the utterances of the speaker. By a second series of ill.u.s.trated charts the lecturer intended to show how alcoholic beverages, in coursing through the human system, benefited the heart rather than injured it. In trying to establish this point he used the subtlest sophistry of Satan.

Through the three divisions of the discourse I heard vigorous applause, and when, in the smooth language of his final climax, he uttered the last word and was returning to his seat, there was a deafening roar from all parts of the vast hall. To the mind of Miss Church-Member the argument of Dr. Strauss was unanswerable, and consequently she was obliged to revise her radical opinions on the temperance question; and not only she, but a host of others from the ranks of the Christian church were influenced similarly.

After leaving this hall the happy pair spent a long time in pa.s.sing through some of the other buildings of the group. _Miss Church-Member was so filled with the doctrines of the Devil that she thought of going as a missionary to the pilgrims of the Narrow Way._

During their visit at the Temperance College Mr. World conducted his ever-faithful friend through some of the fas.h.i.+onable temperance-saloons connected with the inst.i.tution.

Miss Church-Member would not have entered and much less indulged in the questionable beverages, had she not been so strongly influenced by the prolonged visit at the section of the group devoted to the study of "_Temperate and Intemperate Drinks._"

I was sorely vexed at the operations of this whole college and, looking at Blackana, I said impatiently:

"How can your comrades find delight in such an impish work--covering truth and scattering h.e.l.lish sophistry abroad?"

"Delight?" repeated Blackana. "This world is but the Devil's Heaven, and those in his kingdom find chiefest delight in thorns, and not in flowers; in spinning sophistry, and not in dead things like truth and logic."

CHAPTER XV.

INFERNAL SCHOOL SYSTEM.

1. A general view of the vast University of the World with all its subordinate operations. All working in harmony to destroy the good that G.o.d would do in the world.

The University of the World is so extensive that one could not visit all its parts during the course of a life-time, but there is a place called the Magic Observatory whence an observer can have a bird's-eye view of all the princ.i.p.al scholastic operations of the Broad Highway.

The Observatory is owned and controlled by careful agents of Satan who will allow only certain persons to get the benefit of so extensive a view.

Mr. World and Miss Church-Member left the ground of the Temperance College and proceeded to get permission to rise to the glorious heights of the Observatory. Mr. World secured permission, but his companion, not having had sufficient experience in the service of Satan, was refused a pa.s.s. The difficulty was settled by a happy thought. Miss Church-Member suggested that while he should improve the opportunity and rise to see the sights, she would visit the College of Fas.h.i.+ons, for which privilege she had been yearning.

I saw that Mr. World spent a long time in viewing the endless proportions of the noted Observatory, and finally stood on the lofty viewpoint with an interpreter at his side.

He was then directed to a seat on a mechanical device that moved in a circle; and as he sat there he looked through the powerful gla.s.ses of the immense telescope.

He first beheld the Schools of the Fine Arts, with their myriad students who swarmed through a group of buildings so large that it covered the first sweep of the telescope.

At the next turn of the magic device Mr. World saw the Special Schools of Mathematics whose prevalent tendency was to destroy faith. Here the mind of each student was taught to submit everything to the tests of proof, so that by the time one's training was finished he would believe only what could be scientifically demonstrated. In this way Satan induced many a student to disregard the Bible because he could not reduce all its teachings to the cold and rigid rules of human reasoning.