Past Passion Part 6

"He won't be easy to replace."

"Not locally, perhaps, but I could always put someone in charge temporarily transferring them from one of my other concerns. However, it needn't come to that--if he alters his att.i.tude..."

Privately Nicola suspected that the foreman would do no such thing. He was an arrogant man, used to dominating those around him, a man who depended on his swaggering, macho image. She sighed a little, mentally contrasting him with Matt, who was so very, very male, but in a totally different way. And yet that first time they had met. Her forehead crinkled with confusion. Then he had seemed very much in the same macho mould as the foreman; then he had treated her with a careless disregard which, no matter how well- deserved, had left her sick with self-disgust. It was very hard to reconcile that man with the one seated next to her now.

Eight years is a long time, she reminded herself, and in those eight years social values had changed so much that it was perhaps only natural that human perceptions and reactions should change with them.

It surprised her how much she was enjoying working with Matt, but she was still haunted by the fear mat something might happen and that he might look at her and realise . recognise her. and that then everything she had worked for-all the time and effort she had put into ensuring that never, ever again would she suffer the humiliation and trauma she had suffered when she'd woken up that morning in his bed--would be destroyed.

When he stopped the Land Rover in the yard he said easily, but very firmly, "Stay there."

Weakly Nicola did so, trembling a little as he came round to her side of the vehicle, opened the door, and reached in to help her out. She couldn't help flinching a little when he touched her. Just for a moment he tensed as though he had felt her physical reaction to him, but then he was helping her calmly and clinically from the Land Rover, quickly removing his hands from her waist once her feet could touch the ground.

"I understand that you have a steady boyfriend."

The comment seemed to ricochet around inside her. Who on earth had told him about Gordon? And why? she wondered feverishly while she responded with a jerky, "Er--yes..."

He gave her a sombre look that somehow seemed to hold a touch of loneliness, and then, astoundingly, told her flatly, "He's a very fortunate man."

As he turned on his heel and walked towards the office entrance, Nicola was left staring after him, feeling as though the ground was actually rocking precariously beneath her.

Had he really been trying to imply that he envied Gordon? Impossible, surely. If he wanted a woman in his life, there couldn't possibly be any shortage of candidates to fill that role.

To imply that he wanted her. A tiny cold s.h.i.+ver of fear touched her spine. What if it was all just a game? What if he was just playing with her, cruelly letting her believe that he didn't remember her, when in fact. She gave another s.h.i.+ver, a deeper one this rime. No. She was letting her fear get out of control. Why on earth would he want to behave in such a way? But to suggest that he found her attractive . that he envied Gordon. Over the years there had been men who had wanted to get to know her better, but she had always frozen them off, afraid of the problems that intimacy with them might bring. With Gordon she was safe. Neither of them wanted anything more from their relations.h.i.+p than they already had. Gordon's life was dominated by his mother, a domination which, Nicola suspected, had resulted in an almost complete repression of his s.e.xuality, while her life was dominated by her guilt and anguish over the past, which just as effectively repressed hers. If she allowed herself to fall in love with a man, eventually there would come a time when she would have to tell him about her past . to explain . because she was the type of woman who would want to be open and honest with someone she loved, but in doing so she would have to run the risk of them turning from her with the same contempt and disgust Jonathon had exhibited, and that was something she knew she could not endure. Better not to take the risk in the first place.

It terrified her to acknowledge that Matthew was a man whom she could quite easily have fallen in love with if the past hadn't stood between them. And what terrified her even more was the extent of her physical awareness of him.

All those years ago all her awareness, her attention, her emotions had been focused on Jonathon, but now she was wondering sickly if, beneath those emotions, some part of her had responded to Matt on a far deeper and more hidden level so that, even if she was not aware of it, she had been attracted to him . had been responsive to him. Very slowly she followed him into the offices, telling herself that, once the new manager was installed and Matt was an infrequent visitor, she would be able to regain control of her life and her emotions, and in the meantime she would have to learn to live with the turbulence of what she was feeling.

On Friday she left home a little earlier than usual so that she could drop her car off at the garage.

One of the mechanics then drove her to work, giving her slender figure an admiring glance as she sat beside him.

Repressing an urge to tug down the skirt of her suit, Nicola feigned interest in something in the street outside the car, thankful when the mechanic finally took the hint and concentrated on driving the car rather than on trying to make conversation with her.

Evie arrived ten minutes after Nicola, the eye catching brilliance of her outfit making Nicola blink a little and grin at her as she came rus.h.i.+ng in.

Everyone bar Alan had been warned about the lunchdme gathering. Matt had undertaken to get Alan there on time, and Nicola had no doubt that he would do so.

While she was going through the post, three of the men came in to dismantle Alan's desk.

Matt had asked why Alan wasn't taking it with him, commenting on its age and value, and Nicola had explained the situation.

"Well, it's his decision, but it's one he could regret later. I think what we'll do is have it dismantled and put in storage just in case he does change his mind."

His decision was so close to the one she had privately already made that Nicola found herself trembling a little with the shock of the emotion that ran through her. She already knew that the new manager was going to be supplied with an equally new office, plus some very sophisticated computer equipment, which she herself was going to have to learn to use. Mart's confidence in her ability to do so had certainly been morale- boosting, if a little unnerving.

At eleven o'clock, once the more urgent enquiries had been dealt with, Nicola told Evie, "I'm just going to slip over to the store, to see if everything's under control."

"What time are the caterers due?" Evie asked her.

"Half-past eleven."

If had been Mart who had suggested bringing in outside caterers, adding casually that of course he would pay for the food and the drink they would need.

She had obtained several sample menus at modest prices, and had been even more surprised when Mart had announced that what he had in mind was something a little bit more substantial and enticing.

The caterers arrived exactly on time, unloading their van with very professional speed and a.s.surance.

Large trestle-tables had been set up in the storage bay, which had been cleaned out especially for the occasion. It was a warm day, and motes of dust from the timber which had been stored there hung on the air, turning gold in the suns.h.i.+ne, the clean smell of timber sharp and pungent.

The caterers all wore uniforms, the girls in blue and white striped summer dresses with butchers' ap.r.o.ns over the tops, the men in navy trousers and blue and white striped s.h.i.+rts.

Matt had wanted to keep the affair as informal as possible, and so the long trestle-tables had been set up against the walls of the building with just one small table on a makes.h.i.+ft raised dais from which Matt would give his speech and present Alan with their gift.

As she looked round, watching the ordered busyness of the caterers, Nicola wondered how Alan would feel. This would be a very traumatic day for him--the final severing of his connection with the company he had worked so hard to build up, the final realisation, perhaps, that his son was dead.

She walked to the door of the shed and stood by it, her head bowed, emotional tears stinging her eyes as she dwelt on Alan's pain.

"Nicola ... are you all right?"

She hadn't seen Matt approach, hadn't even realised he was here, and now, shocked by the unexpected sound of his voice, she lifted her head jerkily and found that he was within a couple of feet of her, his forehead creased with concern as he came towards her.

He was dressed casually in worn jeans and a denim s.h.i.+rt, which was rolled back to reveal his forearms.

A pang of unexpected sensation tore through Nicola, destroying her frail self-control and, shockingly, she was almost instantly transported back into the past, to the memory of the way he had leaned over her that morning, his body smelling of soap and cologne, his-"Nicola?"

She trembled as she fought off the unwanted memory, not realising it was the sight of the tears in her eyes that were provoking his harshness until he demanded, "You're crying. Has someone...?"

Crying. She focused on him and then shook her head, explaining huskily, "No, there's nothing wrong. I was just thinking of Alan--of how he must feel today. Where is he?" she added anxiously.

"It isn't twelve yet, and--' - " I know. I've left him over at the Waddington site. I made the excuse that I had an appointment I bad to get back for, and told him I'd collect him later. I'm just on my way home to get changed, but I thought I'd better call in here and check that you weren't having any problems. "

Originally Matt had been staying in the town's one hotel, but now he had rented a property several miles away.

"Are you sure you're OK?" he asked her quietly.

One of the caterers came towards the door, and instinctively Nicola moved out of her way. Matt moved with her, so that disconcertingly they were both standing in the shadows, the pool of darkness casting a circle of intimacy around them. He had put his arm out to guide her to one side as the girl had come past, and now his hand was resting on the wall behind her, reinforcing the atmosphere of intimacy.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine..."

Was she trembling outwardly as much as she was inside and, if so, was he aware of it? She felt dizzy, confused, unable to move or think, and far too intensely aware of him. She couldn't bear to meet his eyes, and instead stared straight ahead of her. Which was a mistake. Her eyes seemed to be on a level with the bare column of his throat. His skin was tanned and smooth. She wanted, she realised with horror, to reach but and touch it. to touch him! She swallowed quickly, wis.h.i.+ng her head would stop pounding so fast. She could see Matt's chest falling and lifting with his breathing.

Once she had leaned against that chest, once those hands had circled her body, had touched and caressed it, had known it so intimately that-"Nicola!"

The sudden harshness in his voice shocked through her, bringing her back to reality. She tensed, stepping as far back from him as she could, her eyes widening in response to the unexpected sensation of the wall against her back.

"I--I must go ... the caterers..."

She heard herself babbling nervously, anxiety and fear tightening her body and her voice. Skirting him as carefully as though any kind of physical contact with him would be lethal to her, she edged past him and hurried towards the door. Behind her she could sense that he was moving, following her. Her mouth had gone dry, her muscles ached with tension.

"No car today," Matt commented as he followed her outside.

She was forced to stop and turn round.

"No," she told him jerkily.

"It's being serviced; Gordon is picking me up after work. "

She flushed, biting down hard on her bottom lip. Why had she brought Gordon into the conversation, like a teenager trying to deter an unwanted admirer with the clumsy subterfuge of introducing an existing boyfriend?

And it wasn't even as though Matt had even tried to--Just because he had paid her one compliment, it didn't mean. "I'd better go and get changed. I'll have Alan back here for twelve-thirty."

Was she imagining things or had Matt's voice become harder, curter?

Later, in her office, she asked herself what it was she was really so afraid of. Matt obviously hadn't recognised her and, even in the unlikely event of his actually being attracted to her, he obviously wasn't the kind of man to persist once he knew a woman was involved with someone else. So why was she so afraid? Why did she turn into something resembling a lump of quivering jelly every time he came near her?

She already knew the answer, and it wasn't one she welcomed. She closed her eyes, a weakening flood of shame and anguish pouring through her. Matt had been her first lover, her only lover, even if she could remember nothing of that time. That must be why she was so physically responsive to him, so physically aware of him. Her body must at some deep, atavistic level still be somehow aware of that long-ago intimacy with his.

Three hours later, surveying the laughing, chattering ma.s.s of people centred in the shed, she reflected that Matt's decision to insist on this party for Alan had been the right one.

Although at first he had seemed shocked, reluctant almost to allow himself to be drawn into the proceedings, Alan had quite obviously been touched by his employees' wish to mark his retirement. There had been tears in his eyes when he was presented with the engraved goblet, and she had felt her admiration for Matt increase when, during his short speech, he had made a grave reference to the reason why Alan had taken the decision to sell the business. Many men and some women, too, would have s.h.i.+rked mentioning such a sensitive subject, too embarra.s.sed by the potential emotional danger of it, to risk referring to it.

As she watched her fellow employees, Nicola found herself wis.h.i.+ng that Matt was different. less likeable, more the man she had initially a.s.sumed him to be when they had first met.

Watching him now with the knowledge behind her of all she had recently lea mt about him, she found it almost impossible to believe that this was the same man who had so casually picked her up and had s.e.x with her; but, as she had reflected earlier, eight years was a long time, and the social climate had changed a great deal in those eight years.

At four o'clock people started to disperse, and Alan himself left. At four-thirty the caterers returned to start clearing up; most of her fellow employees had already left, following the traditional early closing down of the building trade on a Friday afternoon.

Gordon normally left his office at five o'clock, so Nicola knew it would be approaching five- thirty before he arrived to pick her up.

She had checked with the garage and knew that they didn't close until six, which allowed them a reasonable margin of time to get there and collect her car.

She hadn't seen Matt for some time, and had a.s.sumed that he, too, must have left, but when she walked into her office, intending to finish off some work she had started earlier, she was startled to discover that the communicating door between her office and the one which had been Alan's, and which Matt was now using, was open, and that Matt himself, his jacket off, and his s.h.i.+rtsleeves rolled up, was seated behind the new desk, poring over a sheaf of papers.

He had obviously heard her come in, though, because he put them down and looked up at her.

"Boyfriend not arrived yet?"

She shook her head, and then said huskily, "He won't be here until about five-thirty, so I thought I'd just clear up a couple of things."

As she spoke Matt stood up and moved away from his desk, stretching his body as he did so. She could hear the faint crack of his bones and closed her eyes, hating the wave of heat that burned through her as she became aware of his body, of the bulk and strength of it, of its lean, taut maleness . of the scent of his skin . the heat of his body.

"I was just about to make myself a cup of coffee... Want one?"

Alan, for all his gentleness, all his formality, would never have made such an offer. Her mouth dropped a little, and Matt, obviously taking her silence for agreement, walked past her and into the outer office, casually plugging in the kettle.

Nicola went back to her own desk. It was uncomfortable, disconcerting, knowing that Matt was moving about behind her as he made their coffee.

She tried to concentrate on what she was doing, but her awareness of him kept coming between her and her work.

Long before he had come to stand beside her and place the mug of coffee down beside her she had known he was walking towards her.

"Going somewhere nice tonight--you and the boyfriend?" he asked her casually as he stood beside her.

She frowned, unable for the moment to remember just exactly what they were doing, and then she recalled that it was Gordon's mother's monthly Friday for bridge, which meant that Gordon would have to take her and then pick her up, which meant that they would not be going out.

For some reason she felt reluctant to explain this to Matt, and so she fibbed as airily as she could.

"No, not really. Just out for something to eat, I expect, and then..."

"Back to his place," Matt supplied drily.

His a.s.sumption that she and Gordon were lovers made her face burn, although she knew it was a natural enough a.s.sumption. She wasn't a young girl, she and Gordon were in an established relations.h.i.+p.

"Gordon lives with his mother," she told him stiffly.

There was a long pause, during which she didn't look at him, but attempted instead to concentrate on what was in front of her. It was a hopeless task. She was so very aware of Matt standing beside her that there wasn't room in her consciousness for anything else.

When at last the tension in the silence was something she couldn't bear any longer, she asked him quickly, "And you--are you going out tonight?"

Immediately she wished the question unasked. After all, what business of hers was it what he did in his private life? The thought that he might think she was asking out of a personal interest in that private life dismayed her.

"I'm going to see my parents. They live just outside Brighton. They moved there several years ago when my father retired, primarily because one of my sisters lives in mat area and my parents wanted to be close to their grandchildren. My second sister and her husband live in Canada.

"Do you have any siblings?"

"No, I'm an only one..." She frowned as she looked across the room at the wall-clock and saw that it was almost a quarter to six.

"Something wrong?" Matt asked her.

She shook her head, but obviously he wasn't convinced because he asked shrewdly, "Boyfriend late?"

When her only response was to bite her lip, he said casually, "You'd better give him a ring. Didn't you say he was taking you to collect your car?"

Tactfully he returned to his own office while she picked up the receiver and then telephoned the number of Gordon's office.

As she had half expected, no one answered.

She waited another five minutes, all the time anxiously aware that she was now going to be unable to reach the garage before it closed, and then rather grimly dialled Gordon's home telephone number.

He answered the telephone himself, his voice sharply defensive when she reminded him that he was supposed to have picked her up.

"Mother isn't very well," he told her.

"I had to come home early from the office, and I just haven't been able to leave her. It's one of her bilious attacks, and you know how badly they affect her."