How to Create a Magical Relationship Part 13

It is a nonjudgmental seeing of anything.

SHYA: If you see any mechanical behavior and you don't judge it, it completes itself in the instant that you see it. This is Instantaneous Transformation. If you see any mechanical behavior and you don't judge it, it completes itself in the instant that you see it. This is Instantaneous Transformation.

RANDY: What do you mean by "mechanical behavior"? What do you mean by "mechanical behavior"?

SHYA: Those things you do over and over again, even though you know better. For example, a person says something and you feel compelled to respond aggressively or you take it personally. There's no neutrality about it. Those things you do over and over again, even though you know better. For example, a person says something and you feel compelled to respond aggressively or you take it personally. There's no neutrality about it.

RANDY: Recently, I had an expectation for my partner to act a certain way, and she didn't comply in the way I expected. I judged her and felt a lot of charge around it. Recently, I had an expectation for my partner to act a certain way, and she didn't comply in the way I expected. I judged her and felt a lot of charge around it.

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A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e SHYA: SHYA: What if this charge is an always existent possibility in you? What if it wasn't caused by that particular situation? What if this charge is an always existent possibility in you? What if it wasn't caused by that particular situation?

There is the always-present potential to have an explosive, mechanical response to the environment not showing up the way you would prefer. That is mechanical.

People keep their explosive charges intact by misidentify-ing the cause of their upset. They get upset and think it had to do with how their partner acted. But the reality is that they have this ongoing ever-present charge and are looking for something to discharge on. If you discover that and see it, it loses its power. If you blame your partner, then you have just empowered the mechanical way of relating to life. Every mechanical behavior needs energy to survive. If you feed it positive or negative energy, it continues.

ARIEL: There are three principles to Instantaneous Transformation. The fi rst is a law of physics: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Another way of saying that is, There are three principles to Instantaneous Transformation. The fi rst is a law of physics: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Another way of saying that is, "Anything you resist will persist, grow stronger, and dominate your life." If you resist your anger, for instance, it will persist and grow stronger. Anger, upset, fear, and sadness are things we have a tendency to judge and resist.

SHYA: If you judge it, you are resisting it. If you fi nd fault with having it, you are resisting it, and anything you resist persists. If you judge it, you are resisting it. If you fi nd fault with having it, you are resisting it, and anything you resist persists.

Second principle: "You can only be exactly as you are in any moment of now." That means you could only have gotten angry in that situation because you did. Our lives unfold as moments of now. They are complete moments of now, which include body posture, emotions, thoughts, feelings, and where you exist in time and s.p.a.ce. Each moment can only be the way that it is.

RANDY: How does this contribute to a magical relations.h.i.+p? How does this contribute to a magical relations.h.i.+p?

SHYA: Could you be standing right now? Could you be standing right now?

A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e 175 175 RANDY: Not when I'm sitting. Not when I'm sitting.

SHYA: Right. Now, three minutes ago, could you have been standing? Right. Now, three minutes ago, could you have been standing?

RANDY: I could have, but I wasn't. I could have, but I wasn't.

SHYA: So then you couldn't have. So then you couldn't have.

ARIEL: Our approach is not psychological; it's not about "what ifs" and hypotheticals. It is about dealing with reality, with what is. Our approach is not psychological; it's not about "what ifs" and hypotheticals. It is about dealing with reality, with what is.

SHYA: If you couldn't be different than you were three minutes ago, and you could not be different than you are in this moment of now, then you could never have been different in any moment of your life. Your life has unfolded as a series of moments of now, a continuum of moments of now up until this point. If you couldn't be different than you were three minutes ago, and you could not be different than you are in this moment of now, then you could never have been different in any moment of your life. Your life has unfolded as a series of moments of now, a continuum of moments of now up until this point.

ARIEL: That means you had the right parents, the perfect ones, to create a magical relations.h.i.+p, too. That means you had the right parents, the perfect ones, to create a magical relations.h.i.+p, too.

SHYA: It was necessary for you to go through everything you've gone through in your life to bring you to this moment. It was necessary for you to go through everything you've gone through in your life to bring you to this moment.

Everything has brought you to this moment. That is the second principle. You didn't do anything wrong because you could not have done it any differently than you did.

ARIEL: How does this support you in having a magical relations.h.i.+p, you might ask? This second principle is so simple that people often miss how profound it is. If you really see that things can only be exactly as they are, your past could only be exactly as it was. How does this support you in having a magical relations.h.i.+p, you might ask? This second principle is so simple that people often miss how profound it is. If you really see that things can only be exactly as they are, your past could only be exactly as it was.

SHYA: And that relieves resentment, regret, blame, shame, and guilt. And that relieves resentment, regret, blame, shame, and guilt.

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A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e ARIEL: ARIEL: This also includes your partner showing up in any given way that they show up. Whether they come home late or act in ways you don't prefer, they can only be exactly as they are. This starts the process of unraveling unrealistic expectations. This also includes your partner showing up in any given way that they show up. Whether they come home late or act in ways you don't prefer, they can only be exactly as they are. This starts the process of unraveling unrealistic expectations.

SHYA: This also allows for compa.s.sion, for a kindness toward yourself and the other. This also allows for compa.s.sion, for a kindness toward yourself and the other.

RANDY: It sounds like to have a magical relations.h.i.+p, you have to have a deep sense of acceptance and let go of judging yourself and others. It sounds like to have a magical relations.h.i.+p, you have to have a deep sense of acceptance and let go of judging yourself and others.

SHYA: It's not about acceptance. Acceptance implies denial fi rst. It's not about acceptance. Acceptance implies denial fi rst.

ARIEL: Acceptance implies that someone is displaying a quality that you do not like that you must "get over." Our approach is not about acceptance; it's about awareness. Awareness is a nonjudgmental seeing of something. Acceptance implies that someone is displaying a quality that you do not like that you must "get over." Our approach is not about acceptance; it's about awareness. Awareness is a nonjudgmental seeing of something.

This brings us to the third principle of Instantaneous Transformation, which is that "anything you allow to be exactly as it is without judging it will complete itself." It will cease to dominate your life. It's not about accepting; it's about allowing.

There are times when you will be aware of something you don't like about yourself. Notice that you don't like this thing about yourself without judging yourself for judging yourself.

RANDY: How does intimacy work in a magical relations.h.i.+p? How does intimacy work in a magical relations.h.i.+p?

Many people I know talk about how they feel more like roommates rather than lovers in their relations.h.i.+ps.

SHYA: Intimacy requires "being" with another. It doesn't require Intimacy requires "being" with another. It doesn't require "doing"; it requires "being there." Most of us are very uncomfortable being with other people, even though we may consider ourselves gregarious.

A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e 177 177 ARIEL: People underestimate the early enculturation process, particularly if they had a number of partners or quite a bit of s.e.x in their teens or twenties. As people age, their hormonal push dies down. In the teens and early twenties, the body supports the reproduction of the species. If a person is angry with his or her partner and that person is twenty-two, the hormonal push is likely to support him or her in overriding the things that went down during the day. But when one is older, he or she has to volitionally bypa.s.s not only anything that went down during the day but also one's early inhibitors. People underestimate the early enculturation process, particularly if they had a number of partners or quite a bit of s.e.x in their teens or twenties. As people age, their hormonal push dies down. In the teens and early twenties, the body supports the reproduction of the species. If a person is angry with his or her partner and that person is twenty-two, the hormonal push is likely to support him or her in overriding the things that went down during the day. But when one is older, he or she has to volitionally bypa.s.s not only anything that went down during the day but also one's early inhibitors.

SHYA: If you've been raised in a religious background, you are going to be prudish. Most religions are s.e.xually suppressive. If you've been raised in a religious background, you are going to be prudish. Most religions are s.e.xually suppressive.

ARIEL: One of the games we play with our clients is to have them notice all the ways that they can see they are prudish, rather then have them defend the ways in which they are not prudish. One of the games we play with our clients is to have them notice all the ways that they can see they are prudish, rather then have them defend the ways in which they are not prudish.

SHYA: So, if you start to see things about s.e.x that you considered to be disgusting, dirty, bad, or wrong that had been programmed into you at an early age and you don't judge what you see but just see it, it completes itself. Then you become freer. So, if you start to see things about s.e.x that you considered to be disgusting, dirty, bad, or wrong that had been programmed into you at an early age and you don't judge what you see but just see it, it completes itself. Then you become freer.

ARIEL: Couples also hold secrets from each other. We can pick up on these secrets tactilely. There is a physiological rippling effect when electricity pa.s.ses through the skin and you lie. That is how a lie detector can tell if you are telling the truth. Shya and I have a challenge around holidays. We are so unused to keeping secrets or telling lies of any kind that even keeping a secret about what we are getting one another for a holiday gift is something that gets between us tactilely. Couples also hold secrets from each other. We can pick up on these secrets tactilely. There is a physiological rippling effect when electricity pa.s.ses through the skin and you lie. That is how a lie detector can tell if you are telling the truth. Shya and I have a challenge around holidays. We are so unused to keeping secrets or telling lies of any kind that even keeping a secret about what we are getting one another for a holiday gift is something that gets between us tactilely.

Anything you see and allow to be exactly as it is loses its power over you. For example, when Shya and I were fi rst dating back when I was in my twenties, I was very enamored with riding around on his motorcycle. I had a thought that caught hold, 178 178 A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e which was that I was using him for his motorcycle. I fi nally told him. We were in bed at the time, and he started laughing. He said, "I don't see you in bed with my bike." That popped it. which was that I was using him for his motorcycle. I fi nally told him. We were in bed at the time, and he started laughing. He said, "I don't see you in bed with my bike." That popped it.

People have thoughts that are as silly as that juvenile version of me, and they hold onto them, and it creates a distance between them and their partners.

SHYA: People hold onto resentments. Resentments happen because life shows up the way it does, not the way we prefer. People hold onto resentments. Resentments happen because life shows up the way it does, not the way we prefer.

In a relations.h.i.+p, you are close to somebody. If somebody blew their horn at you and you got upset, that's just some stranger on the street, but when you are around somebody a lot and an upset takes place, you are going to fi nd fault with that person, as though he or she is "doing it."

RANDY: Do you have some fi nal thoughts you'd like to share? Do you have some fi nal thoughts you'd like to share?

SHYA: Be kind to yourself. If you are kind to yourself, you will be kind to your partner. Be kind to yourself. If you are kind to yourself, you will be kind to your partner.

ARIEL: Also, no matter how great your relations.h.i.+p is, there will come a point when you think you have blown it, or you weren't attentive to your partner. Remember the three golden words: "I am sorry." Really mean it when you say it. It can make a huge impact and bring you back to center. Also, no matter how great your relations.h.i.+p is, there will come a point when you think you have blown it, or you weren't attentive to your partner. Remember the three golden words: "I am sorry." Really mean it when you say it. It can make a huge impact and bring you back to center.

SHYA: Apologizing is not saying, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings"; it's saying, "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings." You did something that was unkind enough that your partner upset him- or herself. It may have been unintentional, but that doesn't matter. Apologizing is not saying, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings"; it's saying, "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings." You did something that was unkind enough that your partner upset him- or herself. It may have been unintentional, but that doesn't matter.

ARIEL: You have to wholeheartedly apologize because your partner felt hurt. If you cannot be responsible for it (we're not talking about blame), you will keep on having little or big You have to wholeheartedly apologize because your partner felt hurt. If you cannot be responsible for it (we're not talking about blame), you will keep on having little or big A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e 179 179 injustices that will keep on building until pretty soon you are roommates.

Lots of times people are afraid that in a relations.h.i.+p, there will be one who dominates and one who loses his or her way or independence. One of the things that makes our relations.h.i.+p so magical is that we are not afraid of ourselves and each other. In general, if one of us really wants something, the other person is there to say yes and to back the other person up.

SHYA: The other thing is that you can either be right or you can be alive. Being right means that you are right and the other is wrong. Being alive means you are experiencing love and being loved; you are experiencing satisfaction, well-being, self-expression, or relations.h.i.+p. You are either right or you are alive. The other thing is that you can either be right or you can be alive. Being right means that you are right and the other is wrong. Being alive means you are experiencing love and being loved; you are experiencing satisfaction, well-being, self-expression, or relations.h.i.+p. You are either right or you are alive.

Most people, when they're bickering, they're right. When they are fi ghting, they're right. When they are roommates, they're right. When they are really lovers, they've given up being right, and that's all it takes.

ARIEL: We romance each other all the time. How fun is that? We romance each other all the time. How fun is that?

It's the best, and it just gets better!

SHYA: Normally, I'm a yes to whatever Ariel wants, and she is a yes to whatever I want. Normally, I'm a yes to whatever Ariel wants, and she is a yes to whatever I want.

ARIEL: We dominate each other all the time. We dominate each other all the time.

SHYA: But it's fun. But it's fun.

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