Perfect Behavior Part 1

Perfect Behavior.

by Donald Ogden Stewart.

CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTs.h.i.+P

A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE

Courts.h.i.+p is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the etiquette of courts.h.i.+p were apparently connected in some way with the custom of "love" between the s.e.xes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the modern courts.h.i.+p. It is generally agreed among students of the history of etiquette that when "love" first began to become popular among the better cla.s.s of younger people they took to it with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These rules, together with various amendments, now const.i.tute the etiquette of courts.h.i.+p.

Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courts.h.i.+p with some refined young girl of fas.h.i.+on. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes into your financial inst.i.tution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your company "father." So many young people seem to think it "smart" to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are certain, as soon as you hear her say "h.e.l.lo, father" to your employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courts.h.i.+p.

CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM

Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction.

Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of savoir faire (correct form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not au fait (correct form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands with my friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the n.o.bility above a baron, or a customer. The person who is being "introduced" then extends his (or her) right ungloved hand and says, "Shake." You "shake," saying at the same time, "It's warm (cool) for November (May)," to which the other replies, "I'll say it is."

This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of course you know Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, "I didn't get the name," at which you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner several times, saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't get the name--you didn't get the name--well, well." If the man still persists in wis.h.i.+ng to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone.

The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as follows:

Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the better-cla.s.s hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, and go there on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady's house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying p.r.o.ne on the sidewalk." If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, "I realize, Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you are lying p.r.o.ne on the sidewalk. Here is my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother."

At that you should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.

When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after which it will be perfectly correct for you to a.s.sist her to rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire.

{ill.u.s.tration caption = Every one knows that table manners betray one's bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal Dinners.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = You are, let us pretend, walking in the park.

You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarra.s.sment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew's harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be honest!--have recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in PERFECT BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider area.}

CARDS AND FLOWERS

The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintances.h.i.+p. Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers--"'This is the forest primeval'--H. W. Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips away'--W. Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection it might be well to display a little originality at times by subst.i.tuting pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional quotations. For example--"This is the forest primeval, I regret your last evening's upheaval," shows the young lady in question that not only are you well-read in cla.s.sic poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk on their own hook.

Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you."

FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTs.h.i.+P

It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courts.h.i.+p.

Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is "interested," and the next move is "up to you." Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for in the etiquette of courts.h.i.+p all flowers have different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent his lady a b.u.t.tercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll ever take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in courts.h.i.+p are as follows:

Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30."

Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children."

Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever."

Tuberose--"Meet me Sat.u.r.day at the Fourteenth Street subway station."

Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday."

Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has arrived. Come on over."

Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?"

Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the hotel lobby Friday?"

Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!"

Pa.s.sion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie."

Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe Tuesday."

Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Sat.u.r.day afternoon."

The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, "The reason I didn't call for you yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I'm sorry!"

But to return to the etiquette of our present courts.h.i.+p. As Miss Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, "I beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you drop this?" A great deal depends upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, "Dare I hope?" Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an inch, or an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right hand, it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or it is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology.

RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL

Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, "Oh--so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on any girl there--YET." The "yet"

may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she will probably "take the hint" and invite you to come and see her some evening. At once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday?

I really have no engagements between now and October. Sat.u.r.day? Sunday?"

This will show her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, "Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better telephone me first."

THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING

On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous because they do not know the correct procedure in using this modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady (referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number, please." Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece.

"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, "NO, Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your pardon--Bryant 4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, "h.e.l.lo," to which you answer, "Is Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, "Who?" You say, "Miss Doe, please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then hear the following, "Wait a minute.