The English Spy Part 3

Bob Transit. Bob has no fixed situation; therefore it would be in vain to attempt to say where he may be found: sometimes he is placed next to Bernard, and between him and Heartly, with whom he generally a.s.sociates; at other times he takes his situation at the side table, or fills up a spare corner opposite to d.i.c.k Gradus, or the exquisite, either of whom he annoys, during dinner, by sketching their portraits in caricature upon the cover of his Latin Grammar, with their mouths crammed full of victuals, or in the act of swallowing hot pudding: nor does the dame sometimes escape him; the whole table have frequently been convulsed with laughter at Bob's comic representation of Miss --------'s devout phiz, as exhibited during the preparatory ceremony of a dinner grace: the soul of whim, and source of fun and frolic, Bob is no mean auxiliary to a merry party, or the exhilarating pleasure of a broad grin.

~40~~ Bob's _admiral_ is an R.A. of very high repute; who, having surmounted all the difficulties of obscure origin and limited education, by the brilliancy of his talents, has determined to give his son the advantage of early instruction and liberal information, as a prelude to his advancement in the arts. Talent is not often hereditary (or at least in succession); but the facility of Transit's pencil is astonis.h.i.+ng: with the rapidity of a Fuseli he sketches the human figure in all its various att.i.tudes, and produces in his hasty drawings so much force of effect and truth of character, that the subject can never be mistaken. His humour is irresistible, and is strongly characterized by all the eccentricity and wit of a Gilhay, turning the most trifling incidents into laughable burlesque. Between him and Horace Eglantine there exists a sort of copartners.h.i.+p in the sister arts of poetry and painting: Horace rhymes, and Bob ill.u.s.trates; and very few in the school of any note have at one time or other escaped this combination of epigram and caricature. Bob has an eye to real life, and is formed for all the bustle of the varied scene. Facetious, witty, and quaint, with all the singularity of genius in his composition, these juvenile _jeux d'esprits_ of his pencil may be regarded as the rays of promise, which streak with golden tints the blus.h.i.+ng horizon of the morn of youth.

As Bob is not over studious, or attached to the Latin and Greek languages, he generally manages to get any difficult lesson construed by an agreement with some more learned and a.s.siduous a.s.sociate; the _quid pro quo_ on these occasions being always punctually paid on his part by a humorous sketch of the head master calling first absence, taken from a snug, oblique view in the school-yard, or a burlesque on some of the fellows or inhabitants of Eton. In this way Bob contrives to pa.s.s school muster, although these specimens of talent have, on more than one occasion, brought him to the block. It must however ~41~~ be admitted, that in all these flights of fancy his pencil is never disgraced by any malignancy of motive, or the slightest exhibition of personal spleen. Good humour is his motto; pleasure his pursuit: and if he should not prove a Porson or an Elmsley, he gives every promise of being equally eminent with a Bunbury, Gillray, or a Rowlandson.

Varied groups are disposed around the room, and make up the back ground of my picture. Many of these are yet too young to particularize, and others have nothing sufficiently characteristic to deserve it; some who have not yet committed their first fault, and many who are continually in error; others who pursue the straight beaten track to scholastic knowledge, and trudge on like learned dromedaries. Two or three there are who follow in no sphere-eccentric stars, shooting from s.p.a.ce to s.p.a.ce; some few mischievous wags, who delight in a good joke, and will run the risk of punishment at any time to enjoy it; with here and there a little twinkling gem, like twilight planets, just emerging from the misty veil of nature.

These form my dame's dinner party. Reader, do not judge them harshly from this hasty sketch: take into your consideration their youth and inexperience; and if they do not improve upon acquaintance, and increase in estimation with their years, the fault must in justice rather be attributed to the author than to any deficiency in their respective merits.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page 041]

~42~~

THE FIVE PRINc.i.p.aL ORDERS OF ETON, DOCTOR, DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND CAD. A SKETCH TAKEN OPPOSITE THE LONG WALK.

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ETON DAMES*; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY, ILL-NATURED, NOR PATHETIC.

Let Oxford beaux, to am'rous belles, Love's warm epistles write; Or Cambridge youths, in cla.s.sic dells, Invoke the shadowy night.

* The above _jeu-d'esprit_ made its appearance on one of those joyous occasions, when the sons of old Etona return from Oxford and Cambridge, filled with filial regard for early scenes and school-boy friends.h.i.+ps, to commemorate a college election. It was, at the time, purposely attributed to some of these waggish visitors, a sort of privileged race, who never fail of indulging in numerous good-humoured freaks with the inhabitants of Eton, to show off to the rising generation the pleasantries, whims, and improvements of a college life. The subject is one of great delicacy, but it will, I hope, be admitted by the merry dames themselves, that my friend Bernard has in this, as in every other instance, endeavoured to preserve the strongest traits of truth and character, without indulging in offensive satire, or departing from propriety and decorum.--Horatio Heartly.

~44~~

Let c.o.c.kney poets boast their flames, Of ' Vicked Cupit' patter: Be mine a verse on Eton Dames-- A more substantial matter.

I care not if the Graces three Have here withheld perfection: Brown, black, or fair, the same to me,-- E'en age is no objection.

A pleasing squint, or but one eye, Will do as well as any; A mouth between a laugh and cry, Or wrinkled, as my granny.

A hobbling gait, or a wooden leg, Or locks of silvery gray; Or name her Madge, or Poll, or Peg, She still shall have my lay.

Perfection centres in the mind, The gen'rous must acknowledge: Then, Muse, be candid, just, and kind, To Dames of Eton College.*

* The independent students, commonly called _Oppidans_, are very numerous: they are boarded at private houses in the environs of the college; the presiding masters and mistresses of which have from time immemorial enjoyed the t.i.tle of _Domine_ and _Dame_: the average number of _Oppidans_ is from three hundred to three hundred and fifty.

FIVE PRINc.i.p.aL ORDERS OF ETON

~45~~

PROEM.

Said Truth to the Muse, as they wander'd along, "Prithee, Muse, spur your Pegasus into a song; Let the subject be lively,--how like you the Belles?"

Said the Muse, "he's no sportsman that kisses and tells.

But in females delighting, suppose we stop here, And do you bid the Dames of old Eton appear; In your mirror their merits, with candour, survey, And I'll sing their worth in my very best Lay."

No sooner 'twas said, than agreed:--it was done, Wing'd Mercury summon'd them every one.

MISS A***LO.

First, deck'd in the height of the fas.h.i.+on, a belle, An angel, ere Chronos had tipt her with snow, Advanced to the G.o.ddess, and said, "you may tell, That in Eton, there's no better table, you know;"

And by Truth 'twas admitted, "her generous board Is rich, in whatever the seasons afford."

THE MISS t*****S.

Of ancients, a pair next presented themselves, When in popp'd some waggish Oxonian elves, Who spoke of times past, of short commons, and cheese, And told tales, which did much the old ladies displease.

"Good morning," said Truth, as the dames pa.s.s'd him by: Young stomachs, if stinted, are sure to outcry.

MRS. R******U.

On her _Domine_ leaning came dame B******u, The oldest in college, deck'd in rich furbelow.

~46~~

She curtsied around to the _Oppidan_ band, But not one said a word, and but few gave a hand.

Truth whisper'd the Muse,, who, as sly, shook her head, Saying, "where little's told, 'tis soon mended, it's said."

MRS. G******E.

When S******e appear'd, what a shout rent the air!

The spruce widow affords the most excellent cheer; For comfort in quarters there's nothing can beat her, So up rose the lads with a welcome to greet her: The muse with true gallantry led her to place, And Truth said good humour was writ in her face.

MRS. D****N.

With a face (once divine), and a figure still smart, And a grace that defies even Time's fatal dart, Dame D****n advanced, made her curtsy, and smiled: Truth welcomed the fair, the grave, witty, and wild; All, all gave their votes, and some said they knew That her numbers by no measure equall'd her due.

MISS S******S.

"By my hopes," said the Muse, "here's a rare jolly pair, A right merry frontispiece, comely and fair, To good living and quarters." "You're right," nodded Truth.

A welcome approval was mark'd in each youth.

And 'twas no little praise among numbers like theirs, To meet a unanimous welcome up stairs.

Miss L******d.

Lavater, though sometimes in error, you'll find May be here quoted safely; the face tells the mind.

Good humour and happiness live in her eye.

Her motto's contentment you'll easily spy.

five princ.i.p.al orders of eton

~47~~

A chair for Miss L******d Truth placed near the Muse; For beauty to rhyme can fresh spirit infuse.

MRS. V******Y.

V******y, in weeds led and angel along, Accomplish'd and pretty, who blush'd at the throng.

The old dame seem'd to say, and i'faith she might well, "Sons of Eton, when saw you a handsomer belle?"

If any intended the widow to sneer, Miss A------won their favor, and banish'd the jeer.