The English Spy Part 57

[Ill.u.s.tration: page226]

Imagine such an animated, whispering, gazing, inquiring scene, as I have here presented you with a slight sketch of, and, reader, you will be able to form some idea of the first appearance of the English Spy and his friend the artist, among the ways and walks of merry Cheltenham.

Then here

'At once, I dedicate my lay To the gay groups that round me swarm, Like May-bees round the honied hive, When fields are green, and skies are warm And all in nature seems alive.'

Time was, a certain amorous colonel carried every thing here, and bore away the belle from all compet.i.tors; the hunt, the ball, the theatre, and the card-party all owned his sovereign sway; although it must be admitted, that, in the latter amus.e.m.e.nt, he seldom or ever hazarded enough to disturb his financial recollections on the morrow. But time works wonders--notoriety is of two complexions, and what may render a man a very agreeable companion to foxhunters and frolicsome lordlings, is not always the best calculated to recommend him in the eyes of the accomplished and the rigid in matters of moral propriety. But other equally celebrated and less worthy predilections have been trumpeted forth in courts and newspapers, until the fame of the colonel has spread itself through every grade of society, and, unlike that wreath which usually decks the gallant soldier's brow, a cypress chaplet binds the early gray, and makes admonitory signal of the ill-spent past. The wrongs of an injured ~227~~and confiding husband, whose fortunes, wrecked by the false seducer, have left him a prey to shattered ruin, yet live in the remembrance of some honest Cheltenham hearts; and although these may feel for the now abandoned object of his illicit pa.s.sion, there are but few who, while they drop a tear of pity as she pa.s.ses them daily in the street, do not invoke a n.o.bler feeling of indignation upon the ruthless head of him who forged the shafts of misery, and pierced at one fell blow the hearts of husband, wife, and children! What father that has read Maria's hapless tale of woe, and marked the progress of deceptive vice, will hereafter hazard the reputation of his daughters by suffering them to mix in Cheltenham society with the branded seducer and his profligate a.s.sociates?

Gallantry, an unrestricted love of the fair s.e.x, and a predilection for variety, may all be indulged in this country to any extent, without betraying confidence on the one hand or innocence upon the other, without outraging decency, or violating the established usages of society. While the profligate confines his sensual pleasures with such objects as I allude to within the walls of his harem, the moralist has no right to trespa.s.s upon his privacy; it is only when they are blazoned forth to public view, and daringly opposed to public scorn, that the lash of the satirist is essentially useful, if not in correcting, at least in exposing the systematic seducer, and putting the inexperienced and the virtuous on their guard against the practice of profligacy. It is the frequency and notoriety of such scenes that has at last alarmed the Chelts, who, fearing more for their suffering interests than for their suffering fellow-creatures, begin to murmur rather loudly against the Berkeley Adonis, representing that the town itself suffers in respectability and increase of visitors, by its being known as the rendezvous of the bloods and blacks of Berkeley. The truth of this a.s.sertion may be gathered from the ~228~~following _jeu d' esprit_, only one among a hundred of such squibs that have been very freely circulated in Cheltenham and the neighbourhood within the last year.

'NEWS FROM CHELTENHAM.

'The season runs smartly in Cheltenham's town, The gossips are up, and the colonel is down; He has taken the place of the famous Old Gun {1} That exploded last year, and created some fun.

Were no lives then lost? some say, Yes! and some, No!

The report even shook the old walls of Glasgow.{2} And the Bushe was found out to be no safe retreat, For in love, as in war, you may chance to be beat; And a h.e.l.l-shaming fellow can never be reckon'd, Whate'er he may publish, a capital second.'

"But now having had our fling at his vices, let us speak of him more agreeably; for the fellow hath some qualifications which, if humour suit, enables him to s.h.i.+ne forth a star of the first magnitude among _bons vivants_ and sporting characters, who ride, amble, and vegetate upon the banks of the Chelt. Such is his love of hunting, a pleasure in which he not only indulges himself, but enables others, his friends, to partic.i.p.ate with him, by keeping up a numerous stud of thirty well trained horses, and a double pack of fox-hounds, that no appropriate day may be lost, nor any opportunity missed, of pursuing the sports of the chase. This is as it should be, and smacks of that glorious spirit which animated his ancestors; although the violence of his temper will sometimes break out even here, in the field, when some young and forward Nimrod, unable to restrain his fiery steed, _o'er-caps_ the hounds, or crosses the scent. As the Chelts are, or have been, greatly benefited by the hounds being kept alternately during the hunting months between

1 A good-morrow to you, Captain Gun.

2 Miss Glasgow, divine perfection of antique virgin purity!

what could the poet mean by this allusion?

~229~~Cheltenham and Gloucester, they must at least feel some little grat.i.tude to be due to the man who is the cause of such an increase of society, and consequent expenditure of cash. But, say they, we lose in a fourfold degree; for the respectable portion of the fas.h.i.+onable visitants have of late cut us entirely, to save their sons and daughters from pollution and ruin, by a.s.sociation or the force of example. 'Tis not in the nature of the English Spy rudely to draw aside the curtain, even to expose the midnight revelries and debaucheries, of which he possesses some extraordinary anecdotes; events, which, if recorded here, would, in the language of the poet,

'Give ample room, and verge enough, The characters of h.e.l.l to trace; How through each circling year, on many a night, Have Severn's waves re-echoed with affright The shrieks of (maids) through Berkeley's roofs that ring.'

"But let these tales be told hereafter, as no doubt they will be, by the creatures who now pander to vice, when the satiated and the sullen chief sinks into decay, or cuts from his emaciated trunk the filthy excrescences which, like poisonous fungus, suck the sap of honour and of life. The colonel hath had many trials in this life, and much to break down a n.o.ble and a proud spirit. In earlier days, a question of birthright, while it cut off one entail, brought on another, which entailed a name, not the ancient gift of a monarch, but one still more ancient, and, according to Dodsley's Chronology of the Kings of England, the origin of British sovereignty itself--a '_filius nullius,_' a t.i.tle that left it open to the wearer to have established his own fame, and to have been the architect of a n.o.bler fortune; for

'Who n.o.bly acts may hold to scorn The man who is but n.o.bly born.'

"Had the colonel acted thus, there is little doubt but long ere this the kind heart of his Majesty would have ~230~~warmed into graciousness as he reflected upon the untoward circ.u.mstances which removed from the eldest born of an ancient house the honours of its armorial bearings; the _engrailed bar_ might have been erased from the s.h.i.+eld, and the coronet of n.o.bility have graced the elder brother, without invading the legal designation or claims of the legitimate younger; but

I sing of a day that is gone and past, Of a chance that is lost, and a die that's cast.

And even now, while I am sermonizing on late events but too notorious, the busy hum of many voices buzzes a tale upon the ear that sickens with its unparalleled profligacy; but the English Spy, the faithful historian of the present times, refuses to stain his pages by giving credit to, or recording, the imputed profligate connexion. Adieu, _monsieur_ the colonel; fain would I have pa.s.sed you by without this comment; but your a.s.sociation with the black spirits of the 'Age'{3} has placed you upon a pedestal, the proper mark for satire to shoot her barbed arrows at.

"But let us take a turn down the High Street; and as I live here comes an old flame of the colonel's, Miss R*g*rs, who is now turned into Mrs.

E***n, and who, it is said, most wickedly turned her pen, and pointed the following _jeu d'esprit_ against her late protector, when he was laid up by a serious accident, which happened to his knee after the more serious loss of a--_Foote_.

3 "A fellow-feeling makes us wondrous kind" says Pope; and it would appear so from the intimacy which subsists between the colonel and his jackall Bunn, the would-be captain, who it is said is the _filius nullius_ of old Ben Bunn the _conveyancer_, not of legal t.i.tle or estate by roll of parchment, but of the very soil itself. Lord W. Lennox, too, no doubt, prides himself upon the illegitimate origin of his ancestry; and the publisher of the infamous scandals manufactured in the Quadrant is also of the same kidney, being the reputed natural son of jolly old Bardolph Jennyns.

What the remaining portion of the coterie spring from, the Gents and Bs., the sensitive nose of a sensible man will very easily discover.

~231~~

'To Cupid's colonel help, ye people all; He's missed his _Footing_, 'Pride has had a fall;'

The knee's uncapp'd, the calf laid open quite, The Foote presents the most distressing sight; Its form so perfect, pity none were nigh, With warning voice to guard from injury.

Waltzers! your peerless partner view, The gallant gay Lothario quite _perdu; Sans Foote_ to rest upon, his claims deny'd To take a birth by English n.o.bles' side.

Let him to Cheltenham, 'tis not to go far; He's sure to find a _seat--on Irish car_.'

"I am told, but I cannot discover the allusion myself, that Miss B*g*rs was prompted to this effusion of the satiric muse by the green-eyed monster, Jealousy, Observe that machine yonder, rumbling up the street like an Irish jaunting-car, that contains the numerous family of M***r, the vinegar merchant, whose lady being considered by the Chelts as lineally descended from the Tartar race, they have very facetiously nicknamed muriatic acid. The mad wag with the sandy whiskers yonder, and somewhat pleasant-looking countenance, is a second-hand friend of the colonel's; mark how he is ogling the young thing in the milliner's shop through the window: his daily occupation, making a.s.signations, and his nightly amus.e.m.e.nt, a new favourite. A story is told of his father, a highly respected legal character in the Emerald Isle, that, on being asked by a friend why his son had left the country, replied, 'By Jasus, sir, it was high time: sure I am there's enough of the family left behind. Is not his lady in a _promising_ way, and both his female servants, and those of two or three of his friends, and are not both mine in a similar situation? Zounds, sir, if he had remained here much longer, there would not have been a single female in the whole country.

However, 'Good wine, they say, needs no Bushe,' so I shall leave him unmarked by his family cognomen, lest this ~232~~should be taken as a puff-card of his capabilities, and thereby add to the list of his Cytherean exploits. In a late affair, when the colonel was called out (but did not come), Sir Patrick beat about the Bushe for him very judiciously, and by great skill in diplomacy enabled his friend to come off second best. But here comes one who stands at odds with description, and attracts more notice in Cheltenham than even the colonel, his companions, and all the metropolitan visitory put together. If I was to lend myself to the circulation of half the strange tales related of him by the Chelts, I could fill a small-sized volume; but brevity is the soul of wit, and the eccentric Mackey, with all his peculiarities and strange fancies for midnight mastications, has a soul superior to the common herd, and a 'heart and hand, open as day, to melting charity.'

It is strange, 'pa.s.sing strange,' that one so rich and fond of society, and well-descended withal, should choose thus to ape the ridiculous; a man, too, if report speaks truly, of no ordinary talents as a writer on finance, and an expounder of the solar system. Vanity! vanity! what strange fantasies and eccentric fooleries dost thou sometimes fill the brain of the biped with, confining thy freaks, however, to that strange animal--man. The countenance of our eccentric is placid and agreeable, and, provided it was cleared of a load of snuff, which weighs down the upper lip, might be said to be, although in the sear o' the leaf, highly intellectual; but the old Scotch cloak, the broad-brimmed hat of the covenanter, the loose under vest, the thread-bare coat shaking in the wind, like the unmeasured garment of the scarecrow, and the colour-driven nankeens, grown short by age and frequent hard rubbings; then, too, the flowing locks of iron gray straggling over the shoulders like the withered tendrils of a blighted vine--all conspire to arrest the attention of an inquisitive eye; yet the Chelts know but little ~233~~about his history, beyond his being a man of good property, the proprietor of the Vittoria boarding-house, inoffensive in manners, obliging in disposition, and intelligent in conversation. His great penchant is a midnight supper, stewed chicken and mushrooms, or any other choice and highly-seasoned dish; to enjoy which in perfection, he hath a maiden sleeping at the foot of his bed ready to attend his commands, which, it is said, are communicated to her in a very singular way; no particle of speech being used to disturb the solemn silence of the night, but a long cane reaching downwards to the slumbering maid, by certain horizontal taps against her side, propelled forward by the hand of the craving _gourmand_, wakes her to action, and the banquet, piping-hot from the stew-pan, smokes upon the board, unlike a vision, sending up real and enchanting odoriferous perfumes beneath his olfactory organs. Extraordinary as this account may appear, it is, I believe, strictly true, and is the great feature of the eccentric's peculiarities, all the minor whims and fancies being of a subordinate and uninteresting nature. I shall conclude my notice of him by relating an action that would do honour to a king, and will excuse the eccentric with the world, although his follies were ten times more remarkable.

During the suspension of payments by one of the Cheltenham banks, and when all the poorer cla.s.s of mechanics and labourers were in a most piteous situation from the unprecedented number of one pound provincial notes then in circulation, Mr. Mackey, to his eternal-honour be it related, and without the remotest interest in the bank, stepped n.o.bly forward, unsolicited and unsupported, gave to all the poor people who held the one pound notes the full value for them, reserving to himself only the chance of the dividend. Ye Berkeleys, Ducies, Lennoxes, Cravens, Hammonds, Bushes, Molineauxes, and Coventrys, and all the long list of Cheltenham gay! ~234~~show me an action like this ye have done--a spirit so n.o.ble, when did you display?--Do you see that rosy-gilled fellow coming this way, with a hunting-whip in his hand? in costume, more like a country horse-dealer than a country clergyman; yet such he was, until the bishop of the diocese removed the clerical inc.u.mbrance of the ca.s.sock, to give the wearer freer license to indulge his vein for hunting, coursing, c.o.c.k-fighting, and the unrestricted pleasures of the table and the bottle. A good story is told of him and his friend, the colonel, who, having invited some unsophisticated farmer to partake of the festivities of the castle, laid him low with strong potations of _black strap_, and in that state had him carried forth to the stable-yard, where he was immured up to his neck in warm horse-dung, the pious ex-chaplain reading the burial-service over him in presence of the surviving members of the hunt."

"Who the deuce is that pleasant-looking fellow," said Bob, "who appears to give and gain the _quid pro quo_ from every body that pa.s.ses him?"

"That, my dear fellow, is the Grand Marshal of all the merry meetings here, and a very gentlemanly, jovial, and witty fellow; just such a man as should fill the office of master of the ceremonies, having both seen and experienced enough of the world to know how to estimate character almost at a first interview; he is highly and deservedly respected.

There is a very affecting anecdote in circulation respecting his predecessor, the detail of which I much regret that I have lost; but the spirit of the affair was too strongly imprinted upon my memory to be easily obliterated. He had, it appears, loved a beauteous girl in early life, and met with a reciprocal return; but the stern mandate of parental authority prevented their union. The lover, almost broken-hearted, sought a distant clime, and, after years of peril, returned to England, bringing with him a wife. The match had been one ~235~~of interest, and they are seldom those of domestic bliss. It proved so here--he became dissipated, and squandered away the property he had possessed himself of by marriage. In this situation, he collected together the wreck of his fortunes, and retired to Cheltenham, where his amiable qualities and gentlemanly conduct endeared him to a large circle of acquaintance, and, in the end, he was induced to accept the situation of master of the ceremonies. Time rolled on, and his former partner being dead, he was, from his volatile and thoughtless disposition, again plunged in difficulties, and imprisoned for debt. The circ.u.mstance became known to her at whose shrine in early life he had vowed eternal devotion: with a still fond recollection of him, who alone had ever shared her heart, she hastened to the spot, and, being now a wealthy spinster, paid all his debts and released him from durance. Grat.i.tude and love both pointed out the course for the obliged M. c. to pursue; but, alas! there is nothing certain in the antic.i.p.ations of complete happiness in this life. The lady fell suddenly sick, and died on the very day they were to have been married, leaving him sole executor of her property. The calamitous event made such a deep impression upon a feeling mind, already shaken by trouble and disease, that finding his prospects of bliss again blighted without a chance of recovery, he fell into a state of despondency, and was, within a week, laid a corpse by the side of his first love. At the post-office,--purposely placed out of the way by the sagacious Chelts to give strangers the trouble of making inquiries,--I received the following whim from the same witty pen who wrote me, anonymously, an inauguration ode to commence my second volume with." "Who is this whimsical spirit in the clouds?" said Bob. "Ay, lad," I retorted, "that's just the inquiry I have been making for the last eight months: ~236~~although it would appear we have--_ad interim_--been running, riding, racing, rowing, and sailing together in various parts of the kingdom, you perceive, Bob, there are more Spies than ourselves at work. However, this must be some protecting geni who hovers over our heads and fans the air on silken wing, wafting zephyr-like the ambrosial breeze, where'er our merry fancies stray.

Anon, 'we'll drink a measure the table round;' and if we forget the 'Honest Reviewer,' may we lose all relish for a racy joke, and be forgotten ourselves by the lovers of good fellows.h.i.+p and good things."

"Which we never shall be," said Bob; "for those eccentric _tomes_ of ours must and will continue to amuse a laughter-loving age, when we are booked inside and bound for t'other world." There was not a little egotism, methought, about friend Transit's eulogy; but as every parent has a sort of poetical licence allowed him in praising his own bantlings, perhaps the patronage bestowed by the public upon the English Spy may excuse a little vanity in either the author or the artist. "But you are the great magician o' the south yourself, Bernard," continued Transit, "and will you not use your power, you who can 'call spirits from the vasty deep'" "True, Bob; I can call, but will they come when I shall command? However, let us retire to our inn, and after dinner we'll chant his lay; and if he dances not to the music of his own metre, then hath he no true inspiration in him, and is a poet without vanity, a _vara avis_ who delighteth not in receiving the reward of merit; so on, old fellow, to our quarters, where we will

'Carve the goose, and quaff the wine,'

And wish our sprite were here to dine-- We'd give him hearty cheer; A welcome such as hand and heart To kindred spirits should impart, Where friends.h.i.+p reigns sincere.'

~237~~We would punish him for sending his odes to us without sending his family cognomen therewith. Have we not done him immortal honour--placed him in front of our second volume like a golden dedication, and what is more, selected him from many a pleasant whim, to stand by our side; the only a.s.sociate who can claim one line engrafted on to the never-ending fame of the English Spy?--But to the 'Preachment;' let us have another taste of his quality."

A SECOND ODE TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.

or A MICHAELMAS-DAY PREACHMENT.

BY AN HONEST REVIEWER.

"_Iterumque, iterumque vocabo_."--Ancient Cla.s.sics.

"'Tis a lucky day, boy, and we'll do goods on't."

--Winter's Tale.

"Ours is the skie, Where at what fowle we please our hawks shall flie."

--Anon.

Ay, here I come once more, great sir, Out of pure love to minister Some golden truths to thee; Faustus ye're not, nor Frankenstein, Yet, being up to trap, I ween You'll need a sprite like me.

Eve watch'd you closely, my young squire, Since at vol. two I cool'd the ire That left a little stain; And therefore wonder not, sweet Spy, Since both of us at follies fly, Your "Tonson comes again."

~238~~

This is the day of Michaelmas.

Many would say, ay, "let that pa.s.s"

As a forgotten thing.

Not so with us, our rent we pay, And do we not, on quarter-day, Our taxes to the king?

Since, then, "our withers are unwrung,"

And we need wish no blister'd tongue To creditors and duns, Let's carve the goose, and quaff the wine, And toast September twenty-nine, Nor mark how fast time runs.

We've clone the same; that is, we've quaffd, And sung, and danced, and drunk, and laugh'd, When we were half seas over; I don't mean tipsy, bless you, no!

But when we pa.s.s'd, like dart from bow, Cowes Roads on board the Rover.