You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 2

There are too many moving parts to make most attractions 100 percent safe, so there's always a chance that you'll be horrifically murdered by some whirling steel monstrosity with cartoon elves painted on the side. And that's the kicker: having to tell Saint Peter, upon entrance to heaven, that your life was tragically cut short by something called the Screamin' Reamer.

2. JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE.

Trampolines were initially conceived as a training apparatus for gymnasts. They weren't sold commercially until the 1940s, when developers George Nissen and Larry Griswold went completely insane and decided to wipe children off the face of the earth. Today about half a million trampolines are sold every year in the United States. Now consider that there are over two hundred thousand trampoline-related injuries annually-almost half of which result in serious emergency room visits.

Trampolines harm so many people that some personal-injury law firms have a specific telephone extension just for trampoline accidents. A twenty-year-old woman landed so awkwardly, she severed an artery and broke both bones in her leg and had to have it amputated. She trampolined her G.o.dd.a.m.n leg off! In Tasmania, a boy was jumping on a trampoline in his backyard when it turned into a remake of Final Destination Final Destination and tossed him into a clothesline, hanging him. and tossed him into a clothesline, hanging him.

There are countless safety guidelines in place to try to curb the staggering bloodl.u.s.t of the trampoline. For example, it is recommended that you always jump alone and install safety nets along the edge. A boy in Colorado followed those pointers and was strangled to death by the safety netting around his trampoline. Apparently, the more you try to temper the insatiable murder frenzy of the trampoline, the more furious it becomes. In retrospect, perhaps sacrificing a few backflip-ping fatties a year is a small price to pay to appease its terrible appet.i.te.

1. PLAYING ON INFLATABLE STRUCTURES.

Invented by former NASA employee John Scurlock in 1959, inflatable structures (bouncy castles for readers who clap their hands when they read phrases like bouncy castles bouncy castles) are typically made out of thick vinyl and powered by motorized fans. According to the CPSC (which we're fairly certain is one lawsuit away from installing childproof locks on hugs), there have been about six thousand inflatable structure-related emergency room visits in the United States every year since 2005. You might expect injuries related to falling out and landing on the pavement, but the most deadly deadly form of bouncy-castle mayhem occurs when, due to improper tethering or strong winds, the structures flip and launch people through the air like balloon-sculpture trebuchets. form of bouncy-castle mayhem occurs when, due to improper tethering or strong winds, the structures flip and launch people through the air like balloon-sculpture trebuchets.

An eight-year-old girl was thrown fifty meters through the air when her bouncy castle was caught by a powerful gust. In Hawaii, a girl was trapped inside a castle that got tossed into the air and flew fifty yards offsh.o.r.e into the ocean! into the ocean! An inflatable maze in England took flight across a field, with thirty people still stuck inside, sending two women falling out to their deaths before finally cras.h.i.+ng back into the ground. An inflatable maze in England took flight across a field, with thirty people still stuck inside, sending two women falling out to their deaths before finally cras.h.i.+ng back into the ground.

Perhaps the most horrible aspect of these accidents isn't the number of lives lost but the tragically inappropriate mind-set of the victims right before impact. These inflatable structures are often completely enclosed, and the reason people enjoy them is the feeling of weightlessness. The poor victims often have no warning that their play structure has escaped from its tethers and is now hurtling with murderous intent toward the nearest wood chipper-they probably just think they're bouncing really well really well. Their last words are most likely, "Wheeeeee!"

FIVE MOVIES BASED ON TRUE STORIES (THAT ARE COMPLETE BULLs.h.i.+T).

SOMETIMES a movie comes along and takes on special meaning because it's based on a true story, and so we watch with rapt attention knowing that real people lived through all the awesomeness on screen. But if you're going to go with the "based on a true story" tag, all we ask is that you make the stories sort of, you know, true. You can do that-right, Hollywood? a movie comes along and takes on special meaning because it's based on a true story, and so we watch with rapt attention knowing that real people lived through all the awesomeness on screen. But if you're going to go with the "based on a true story" tag, all we ask is that you make the stories sort of, you know, true. You can do that-right, Hollywood?

Not if these movies are any indication.

5. A BEAUTIFUL MIND A BEAUTIFUL MIND.

The Hollywood version John Forbes Nash was really smart. When he wasn't working on the concept of governing dynamics, he was having hallucinations of Paul Bettany, seeing hidden messages in newspapers, and getting recruited by Ed Harris to break codes for the government, all while running from Russian spies. Which is even weirder when you find out all that s.h.i.+t happened in his head. Yep, turns out he was also really, really crazy.

The hallucinations became more frequent and, as hallucinations are p.r.o.ne to do, they drove him bats.h.i.+t insane. Fortunately, his loving wife stood by him, and Nash committed to a medication regimen, and learned to ignore his hallucinations just in time to win the 1994 n.o.bel Prize in Economics.

In reality . . .

There's no denying that Nash was both brilliant and afflicted with a bad case of the crazies, but filmmaker Ron Howard was widely criticized for making up the whole "seeing people who weren't really there" thing. Nash did hear voices, but that's it-his hallucinations were entirely auditory.

The love story? Nash and his wife divorced in 1963, just six years after being married. They were remarried in 2001, but it's fair to say that being married to a paranoid schizophrenic isn't the smooth ride we see in the film.

Neither is being a schizophrenic. At the end of the film, Nash learns to ignore his imaginary friends and deliver a n.o.bel Prize acceptance speech dedicated to his wife. This suggests that you can reason your way out of schizophrenia, a strategy that's about as medically advisable as trying to think your way out of a heart attack. Nash would know. He quit taking his medication in 1970 and consequently has continued to be unstable, p.r.o.ne to shockingly unbrilliant fits of anti-Semitism.

The only thing remarkable about Nash's real n.o.bel Prize acceptance speech was that he wasn't allowed to give one. Public speaking opportunities are rare outside of Alabama when you're known for screaming racial slurs at imaginary Jews.

4. THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS.

The Hollywood version Will Smith stars as Chris Gardner, who only wants to make enough money to provide for his adorable son. In his travels, he solves a Rubik's Cube in record time, wowing an employee at Dean Witter, and somehow (magic?) becoming a stock broker. With his son at his side, he toils for months, eventually claiming the one and only opening at Dean Witter, crying tears of joy and warming our hearts with jigginess.

In reality . . .

First, while Gardner was focused on getting the job that would eventually earn him his millions, he didn't actually know where his son was. For the first four months of his program, Chris junior was living with his mother, Jackie (Linda in the movie), who refused to tell Chris where they were.

In addition, the movie tells us Gardner got arrested for unpaid parking tickets, forcing him to show up to his first day of work wearing his friend's grubby clothes. It's one of the only memorable scenes that actually happened, except instead of parking tickets, Chris was arrested after Jackie accused him of domestic violence (he claims she fell into a rose bush). That's why she wouldn't tell him where she was. During the events depicted in the movie, Chris wasn't caring for his adorable son, he was cras.h.i.+ng on his friend Darnell's couch while the mother of his child and his son hid from him.

Don't get us wrong, Chris did indeed get his life turned around. But in the book the movie was based on, he also admitted to some things they couldn't quite bring themselves to have Will Smith do on screen. Like selling drugs or doing cocaine with Jackie (who it turns out was his mistress from a previous marriage).

Doing drugs and having s.e.x with your mistress? Not having to worry about the resulting offspring? It says something about the man that he didn't drop the pursuit, despite having pretty much found happyness already.

3. LEAN ON ME LEAN ON ME.

The Hollywood version Joe Clark is bada.s.s. When Eastside High School in Paterson, New Jersey, found itself on the brink of being taken over by the state due to p.i.s.s-poor test scores, Clark was brought on board as princ.i.p.al to right the sinking s.h.i.+p.

And right it he did, by fighting expelled students in the hall and throwing chains and padlocks on the doors. After all, if Joe Clark was going to go out in a blaze of glory he was going to take as many students with him as possible. In the end, thanks to a hip new school song and the bullying ways of Princ.i.p.al Clark, Eastside saw a meteoric rise in its test scores, and everyone celebrated by joining together in song, as inner-city ruffians often do.

In reality . . .

Apart from the fact that the test scores never improved, or that state takeover had never actually been threatened, or the various ways they fudged facts to make it appear that Joe Clark was a super bada.s.s, it's pretty close to the real story. That is to say, a man named Joe Clark did serve as princ.i.p.al at Eastside High for a short time in the eighties.

Here's the punch line to the whole thing: One year after Clark resigned and less than two years after the film's release, the state came and took control of the school. And since they weren't actually threatening takeover in the first place, we're forced to a.s.sume they got the idea from the movie.

2.RUDY.

The Hollywood version Back in the seventies, there was a plucky little football player who dreamed of nothing other than playing for Notre Dame. Unfortunately for Rudy, he was small enough to be played by Samwise from the Lord of the Rings Lord of the Rings trilogy, and his support system consisted of people who repeatedly went out of their way to let him know that dreams are the main ingredient in the devil's pudding. trilogy, and his support system consisted of people who repeatedly went out of their way to let him know that dreams are the main ingredient in the devil's pudding.

After graduating from high school, Rudy and his best friend resign themselves to a life spent laboring in the same factory as Rudy's father and brothers. Luckily, his best friend gets blown up right in front of him, teaching Rudy a valuable lesson about how much hard manual labor sucks and reigniting his childhood dream of playing at Notre Dame. And play he does, no thanks to the evil scheming of head coach Dan Devine, who only allowed Rudy on the field after the entire team threatened to walk out otherwise.

In reality . . .

The real-life Dan Devine was actually the one who insisted on playing Rudy in his final game; they were good friends. Sounds like one h.e.l.luva guy, right? So naturally he was repaid for his kindnesses by being turned into the Snidely Whiplash of college football in the film.

By the way, ever wonder who saw Rudy play that day and got so inspired that they just had to make the humble young factory worker's story into a movie? n.o.body. Rudy himself spent a full decade trying to convince studios that his life deserved a movie before one of them finally relented. That's the spirit, little guy!

1. THE HURRICANE THE HURRICANE.

The Hollywood version The Hurricane is the story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, a boxer boasting great talent and a bada.s.s Bob Dylan song he inspired. The movie tells us how Hurricane was a promising middleweight who was falsely accused and convicted of a triple homicide, derailing his boxing career but making him prime to be the subject of a great protest song. is the story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, a boxer boasting great talent and a bada.s.s Bob Dylan song he inspired. The movie tells us how Hurricane was a promising middleweight who was falsely accused and convicted of a triple homicide, derailing his boxing career but making him prime to be the subject of a great protest song.

Luckily, after twenty years in prison as an innocent man convicted by a bitterly racist system, a few people took up his cause and, after discovering a key piece of evidence, proved Hurricane's innocence!

In reality . . .

First, there's a scene in the film where Carter beats the s.h.i.+t out of an inferior white boxer, Joey Giardello, only to lose when racist judges award the fight to the white man. In real life, Carter lost the fight so badly that the real Giardello sued the filmmakers and got a nice settlement out of it.

Now the murder thing. We're not saying Carter committed the crime, but we'll just point out that by the age of fourteen he'd already been arrested for a.s.sault and armed robbery. By twenty-two, he'd been imprisoned twice for "brutal street muggings." He was booted from the military after being court-martialed four times. But that doesn't mean he killed anyone, right?

When it came to the murders, there was enough evidence to convict him twice. Carter failed a lie detector test and at his second trial, several witnesses who had provided Carter's alibi admitted they had been asked to lie for him.

But what about that evidence that proved his innocence? There was none. The judge was forced to throw out the conviction because the prosecution failed to turn over some evidence and thus didn't give Carter a fair trial. The prosecution could have chosen to retry the case from scratch, but they decided it wasn't worth doing since twenty-two years had pa.s.sed and all the people involved were either dead or ridiculously old.

The Hollywood fact-checking process.

Of course the law is the law, and the law said Carter could go free. But it's probably not quite accurate to use Carter's story as proof that the criminal justice system is run by the Klan. The whole thing has really made us question Bob Dylan's research skills.

OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO (WHEN YOU'RE DEAD): SIX INSANE THINGS SCIENCE MIGHT DO WITH YOUR CADAVER CHRISTIANITY, Islam, Jediism-many of the world's great religions teach that the soul lives on forever. But what about the rotting hunk of Schlitz-cured blubber your soul leaves behind? If you leave your body to science, you and your soul might find yourselves watching jealously from the other side as your meat suitcase gets to . . . Islam, Jediism-many of the world's great religions teach that the soul lives on forever. But what about the rotting hunk of Schlitz-cured blubber your soul leaves behind? If you leave your body to science, you and your soul might find yourselves watching jealously from the other side as your meat suitcase gets to . . .

6. LAUNCH HEADFIRST THROUGH A WINDs.h.i.+ELD.

Regardless of how kick-a.s.s it looks in super slow motion, head b.u.t.ting a winds.h.i.+eld at eighty miles per hour is generally a poor idea when you're alive. "But why would anyone want to be filmed flying into a winds.h.i.+eld?" you might ask, if you're a nerd. The answer is simple, and also largely explains the teenage smoking epidemic: Brad Pitt made it look awesome in Fight Club Fight Club.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) will be more than happy to toss your stiff corpse into a car, drop a cinder block on the gas pedal, and send you flying into a ditch. In fact, the NHTSA and other agencies routinely use cadavers as crash test dummies, closely studying the carnage, frame by frame, to extract valuable insights about vehicle safety and, presumably, the occasional belly laugh.

If you are are one of the aforementioned nerds, we've got you covered too, since dying qualifies you to . . . one of the aforementioned nerds, we've got you covered too, since dying qualifies you to . . .

5. GET SHOT INTO OUTER s.p.a.cE BY NASA.

All little boys dream of strapping into a captain's chair and hurtling up into s.p.a.ce atop a puffy white fireball oddly reminiscent of Anderson Cooper's pubic mound. Unfortunately, unless you're reading this book while doing quadratic equations upside down in the deep end of a pool, NASA probably isn't all that keen on letting you pilot their multimillion-dollar s.p.a.cecraft. At least not while you're alive.

However, while developing its Orion Orion s.p.a.cecraft, which will begin shuttling nondead astronauts to the international s.p.a.ce station in 2015, NASA admitted to testing its landing systems on human cadavers. In fact, NASA's been using crash test zombies since at least the 1990s, when Department of Defense- sponsored shuttle missions brought the head of a human cadaver along to test the effects of s.p.a.ce radiation. s.p.a.cecraft, which will begin shuttling nondead astronauts to the international s.p.a.ce station in 2015, NASA admitted to testing its landing systems on human cadavers. In fact, NASA's been using crash test zombies since at least the 1990s, when Department of Defense- sponsored shuttle missions brought the head of a human cadaver along to test the effects of s.p.a.ce radiation.

While NASA probably won't be changing the motto of its s.p.a.ce camp to "You're more useful to us dead than alive," for anyone reading a book that equates s.p.a.ce shuttle exhaust with Anderson Cooper's p.u.b.es, that's probably not far from the truth.

4. HAVE s.e.x IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

Back in 1994, a Polish man named Gunther von Hagens looked at the museum scene and realized something was missing. Namely, terrified, weeping children. Thus was born Body Worlds Body Worlds, an exhibit featuring corpses that had been stripped of their skin and pumped full of plastic to preserve the appearance of every internal organ and viscous fiber. Realizing he'd created an army of terrifying meat monsters, von Hagens decided to pose them in a variety of active positions to make the exhibit fun for the whole family. After 27 million spectators across the world flocked to see his cadavers posed to mimic everyday activities such as javelin throwing, in late 2009 von Hagens decided it was time to just make them bone already.

That's why, if you die at exactly the right moment and donate your body to a sufficiently shady laboratory, you could pa.s.s from this mortal plane directly into the bone zone (medical term). While critics have denounced the exhibit as an affront to G.o.d, for those of us who spent the better part of our lives lobbying to have our gift for boning honored with a museum exhibit, there is finally hope.

3. SOLVE A MURDER.

Body farms are outdoor research facilities that allow scientists to monitor decomposing corpses as they bloat and waste away in the sun for months on end. Essentially, it's like summer at the Jersey Sh.o.r.e, except the purpose is to better inform law enforcement about the decomposition process (as opposed to nailing a half-literate hairdresser).

Body farms at the University of Tennessee, Western Carolina University, and Texas State University painstakingly chart the progress of cadavers as they decompose, providing critical information used to a.n.a.lyze homicide victims and helping to bring murderers to justice.

Most of us have a difficult enough time guessing who is the bad guy in a Law & Order Law & Order episode (hint: It's the pervy guy they interview first and hastily write off). Turns out that if you want to be the next Jack McCoy, all you have to do is lie around turning into Chester Copperpot. episode (hint: It's the pervy guy they interview first and hastily write off). Turns out that if you want to be the next Jack McCoy, all you have to do is lie around turning into Chester Copperpot.

2. DIE (AGAIN) FOR YOUR COUNTRY.

Stepping on a land mine is generally a risky proposition for the living, but the dead are free to throw caution-and their limbs-to the wind. If you've ever wanted to be turned into human chili while making a n.o.ble sacrifice for your country, just slip a note saying so into your will.

In 2004, Tulane University found itself at the center of a media firestorm when it was revealed that seven people who had entrusted their cadavers to the Tulane science department had been blown up by the army to test land mine-resistant footwear.

A Santa Clara University professor wrote that the army used cadavers from donors who had no idea they would end up in a million b.l.o.o.d.y pieces thanks to a detonated mine. So if you donate your body and Uncle Sam gets a hankering to make it rain with your insides, you probably won't have a say in the matter.

1. STAR IN A GEORGE CLOONEY MOVIE.

Forget about taking acting cla.s.ses or fellating midlevel studio executives-starring alongside the s.e.xiest man in Hollywood is just one brain contusion away. That's because Tilda Swinton isn't the only pale corpse to have shared the silver screen with the star of Michael Clayton Michael Clayton.

While directing Clooney in the 1999 Gulf War flick Three Kings Three Kings, David O. Russell filmed actual bullets entering actual human innards to capture hyperrealistic visual effects. The details of how Russell obtained a body to rekill are sketchy, but one thing is clear: Some lucky b.a.s.t.a.r.d got the break millions would kill for, just by being dead.

Sure, catching a hot one in the spleen is a steep price to pay for a walk-on part. But, like a true celebrity, you won't feel a d.a.m.n thing.

THE FIVE MOST RIDICULOUS LIES YOU WERE TAUGHT IN HISTORY CLa.s.s.

REMEMBER back in elementary school when you were at the peak of your potential as a human being? Remember all those fun stories your hungry brain absorbed about the great men who built the world around you? Yeah, that was all bulls.h.i.+t. back in elementary school when you were at the peak of your potential as a human being? Remember all those fun stories your hungry brain absorbed about the great men who built the world around you? Yeah, that was all bulls.h.i.+t.

5. COLUMBUS DISCOVERED THAT THE EARTH IS ROUND.

The story In 1492, a ponce named Christopher Columbus won his long-standing feud with the Spanish monarchy to get funding for a voyage to East Asia. It had been a tough battle because everybody besides Columbus thought that the earth was a flat disc and that anyone sailing east would fall off the world's edge, presumably into the mouth of the giant turtle they thought supported it. Columbus did fail to reach his destination, but only because he crashed into the future greatest nation on earth, baby! Thus Columbus proved that the world was round, discovered America, and a national holiday was born.

The truth In the 1400s, the flat-earth theory was taken about as seriously as it is today. Greek philosopher Pythagoras had figured out the earth was round about two thousand years before Spain even existed.

The Spanish government's reluctance to pay for Columbus's journey had nothing to do with its misconceptions about the shape of the world. Columbus himself severely underestimated the size of the earth, and everybody knew it. He eventually sc.r.a.ped together enough funds and supplies to get halfway to his destination, at which point he and his crew would have died horrible deaths had he not crash-landed on a continent he didn't know existed.

The myth probably began with Was.h.i.+ngton Irving's 1838 novel The Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus The Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus. Elements of the fictional account started creeping into our history textbooks when editors realized that n.o.body wants to read history books starring some dumb a.s.shole who lucked into inventing a country.

4. EINSTEIN FLUNKED MATH.

The story Motivational speakers love the story of a German kid who, despite his sincerest efforts, could never manage to do well in math.

That dumb a.s.s grew up to be Albert freaking Einstein! And if he can do it, then so can you!

The truth Actually, no you can't. As it turns out, Einstein was a mathematical prodigy. Before he turned twelve, he was already better at arithmetic and calculus than you will ever be. Not only did he pa.s.s math with flying colors, he probably could have taught the cla.s.s by the end of semester.

The idea that Einstein did badly at school is thought to have originated with a 1935 Ripley's Believe It or Not! Ripley's Believe It or Not! trivia column, which probably should have been called trivia column, which probably should have been called Believe It or Not! I Get Paid Either Way, a.s.sholes Believe It or Not! I Get Paid Either Way, a.s.sholes. The famous trivia "expert" never cited his sources, and the various "facts" he presented throughout his career were mostly things he thought he heard, combined with stuff he pulled directly out of his a.s.s.

According to Walter Isaacson's Einstein: His Life and Universe Einstein: His Life and Universe , when Einstein was first shown Ripley's supposed expose of his early life, he allegedly laughed and politely responded that before he was fifteen he "had mastered differential and integral calculus." When he finally kicked the bucket in 1955, failure was the one concept that Albert Einstein had never managed to master. , when Einstein was first shown Ripley's supposed expose of his early life, he allegedly laughed and politely responded that before he was fifteen he "had mastered differential and integral calculus." When he finally kicked the bucket in 1955, failure was the one concept that Albert Einstein had never managed to master.

3. NEWTON AND THE APPLE.

The story Isaac Newton was pretty much the Jesus of physics. In the late seventeenth century, he discovered the laws of motion, the visible spectrum, the speed of sound, the law of cooling, and calculus. Yes, all of calculus. Either the man was a supergenius or n.o.body ever thought about anything before he was born.

Probably his most famous discovery, however, is the law of gravity. The story goes that Newton was sitting under a tree one sunny day, when an apple dropped from a branch and bopped him right on the head. While most people would merely think, "Ouch! Son of a b.i.t.c.h!" Newton responded by formulating the entire set of universal laws governing the motion of gravitating bodies.

The truth Newton never mentioned the thing with the apple. The first known mention of the apple thing came sixty years after it supposedly happened, when his a.s.sistant John Conduitt wrote an account of Newton's life. Even Conduitt's version is vague about whether Newton actually saw an apple or simply used it as a metaphor to ill.u.s.trate the idea of gravity for people less intelligent than him (read everybody everybody): "Whilst he was musing in a garden it came into his thought that the power of gravity (which brought an apple from the tree to the ground) was not limited to a certain distance from the earth."

You may also notice the account doesn't mention the apple hitting Newton in the head. That was added somewhere along the line to bring a bit of much-needed cartoonish slapstick to the history of theoretical physics.

So, why did your elementary school teachers lie? People want to believe that discoveries happen suddenly, with a lightbulb popping on over someone's head. Makes it seem like it could happen to anyone. The other option would be telling kids the truth, which makes for a much less cute story.

For example, Newton spent the best part of his life formulating and perfecting his theories. Hunched over piles of papers covered with clouds of tiny numbers, he put in months and years of tedious, grinding, silent, lonely work, until he had a nervous breakdown and finally died, insane from mercury poisoning. Welcome to the real world, Timmy. If you work hard enough, you too can die a lonely, broken man!

2. WAs.h.i.+NGTON AND THE CHERRY TREE.

The story After his father's prize cherry tree made the mistake of getting in the way of a young George Was.h.i.+ngton's ax, the future president was confronted about the crime. While a lesser founding father might have blamed a slave, Was.h.i.+ngton was unable to lie, and confessed. Thus ends the first story Americans learn about the life and times of their first president, George Was.h.i.+ngton, the only superhero to ever run the country.

The truth George Was.h.i.+ngton's elevation to the status of deity is mostly due to a man named Mason Locke Weems. He was the author of the concisely t.i.tled biography The Life of George Was.h.i.+ngton, with Curious Anecdotes Laudable to Himself and Exemplary to his Countrymen The Life of George Was.h.i.+ngton, with Curious Anecdotes Laudable to Himself and Exemplary to his Countrymen.

Weems recalled many fantastic stories about Was.h.i.+ngton, with particular emphasis on his overwhelming moral fort.i.tude and infallibility. The cherry tree story is of particular importance, because it demonstrates that Was.h.i.+ngton could easily destroy things, and just chose not to.