You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 9

2. NATURAL FLAVOR.

When it comes to food, most of us get nervous when people are intentionally vague. We steer clear of the street vendor selling "meat soup" and "food burritos."

So when you see that a label has included "natural flavor," you should be equally alarmed. If you're thinking the natural flavor in your orange candy must have come from oranges, think again. If it was from oranges, they would say so right on the can. It would be a selling point.

The problem is, natural flavor can be anything that isn't man-made. Cat urine could be a natural flavor. If someone discovered that goat j.i.z.z added a special zing to ice cream and they could prove that eating it wouldn't make you sick: natural flavor. And because they know people would rather see the word natural natural on the label than some fancy-pants chemical compound, it's actually in their interest to go with the goat j.i.z.z. on the label than some fancy-pants chemical compound, it's actually in their interest to go with the goat j.i.z.z.

One potentially disturbing example of natural flavor gone bad comes from-where else?-McDonald's. Back in 1990, amid constant public outcry about the amount of cholesterol in its french fries, McDonald's started using pure vegetable oil in its fryers.

Wait, what were they using before? Why, beef lard. When they stopped using it, and McDonald's realized that fried potatoes don't taste as good without some molten beef added, it was "natural flavor" to the rescue.

When vegetarian groups demanded to know what the mystery flavor was, company reps would only say it was "animal derived."

They wouldn't say what animal. According to the book Fast Food Nation Fast Food Nation, "Beef is the probable source, although other meats cannot be ruled out. In France, for example, fries are sometimes cooked in duck fat or horse tallow." Now, we all know how uptight French people are about their food. If their fries are being boiled in the processed knee joints of Kentucky Derby hopefuls, what does that mean for us Americans? Use your imagination.

1. BACTERIOPHAGES.

In 2006, the FDA approved the use of bacteriophages to fight Listeria Listeria microbes on lunch meat, wieners, and sausages. If you're unfamiliar with the term microbes on lunch meat, wieners, and sausages. If you're unfamiliar with the term bacteriophages bacteriophages, let us put it in a layman's term for you: viruses.

In this case, six viruses, to be exact. There is an excellent chance that ham sandwich you had for lunch this afternoon was sprayed with a mixture of six different viruses in an effort to fight a microbe that kills hundreds of people a year. Hundreds. Approximately the same number of people that die in plane crashes. Because of this clear and present danger, your lunch meat is slathered with an array of viruses.

This probably sounds bad enough already, but wait until you hear Intralytix, the company that developed the bacteriophage mixture, explain exactly how the virus works. "Typical phages have hollow heads that store their viral DNA and tunnel tails with tips that bind to specific molecules on the surface of their target bacteria. The viral DNA is injected through the tail into the host cell, where it directs the production of progeny phages."

We'll take it from here. The battlefield on which this virus-versus-microbe war plays out is the bologna that you used to prepare your afternoon lunch. Around the same time the hollow-headed bacteriophages were storming the beach at Listeria Listeria, you were lifting that bologna sandwich to your mouth. Just as the phages were thrusting their hollow, viral-DNA-filled tails into the host cells (also living on your sandwich), you were jamming the whole nasty battle right down your oblivious gullet.

If you've ever tried the Subway diet without success, this might be a good time to give it another shot. If thinking about the rampant virus-versus-microbe violence you're about to ingest doesn't put you off eating for the rest of the day, then nothing will, tubby.

FIVE STORIES THE MEDIA DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT AT its best, the media is a knife at the throat of tyrants everywhere, the ever-watchful guardian of the interests of the people. Unfortunately, it's rarely at its best-h.e.l.l, you're lucky if it puts on pants in the morning. More often than not it's, uh . . . this. its best, the media is a knife at the throat of tyrants everywhere, the ever-watchful guardian of the interests of the people. Unfortunately, it's rarely at its best-h.e.l.l, you're lucky if it puts on pants in the morning. More often than not it's, uh . . . this.

5. USA TODAY USA TODAY'S STAR REPORTER LIES TO THE PUBLIC . . . FOR TWENTY-ONE YEARS When It Happened: 1991-2004 News Agencies Involved: USA Today USA Today

Back in 2004, USA Today USA Today was the most widely read newspaper in the United States, and its star reporter was Jack Kelley, a Pulitzer Prize-winning twenty-one-year newspaper veteran notorious for getting impossible scoops. He wrote gripping first-person accounts of riding with Army Special Forces to catch bin Laden; watching a Pakistani student unfold a picture of the Sears Tower and say, "This one is mine," in 2001; and infiltrating bands of terrorists around the world. He was like Jack Bauer, only with a pen instead of a pistol (and judging from Bauer having never was the most widely read newspaper in the United States, and its star reporter was Jack Kelley, a Pulitzer Prize-winning twenty-one-year newspaper veteran notorious for getting impossible scoops. He wrote gripping first-person accounts of riding with Army Special Forces to catch bin Laden; watching a Pakistani student unfold a picture of the Sears Tower and say, "This one is mine," in 2001; and infiltrating bands of terrorists around the world. He was like Jack Bauer, only with a pen instead of a pistol (and judging from Bauer having never once once moved his bowels in 192 hours of screen time, equally full of s.h.i.+t). moved his bowels in 192 hours of screen time, equally full of s.h.i.+t).

Over twenty-one years of professional bulls.h.i.+tting, whenever a colleague would raise a question about Kelley's latest scoop, "Jack Kelley Revealed to Have Largest p.e.n.i.s Ever," they were shot down by the editors. Eventually, someone filed a complaint that stuck. When the higher-ups asked to speak to a translator Kelley used on a story, Kelley handed one of his friends a script and asked her to pretend to be the woman in question. Somehow this didn't work out (it was probably his insistence that she pepper her responses with flattering anecdotes about his mastery of karate sutra, the deadly art of s.e.x-fighting). When USA Today USA Today launched an investigation, it found Kelley had made up "all or part of 20 stories that appeared in the paper, lifted more than 100 pa.s.sages and quotes from other, uncredited sources." There was no Pakistani student gunning for the Sears Tower, and he never infiltrated anything or rode along on a hunt for bin Laden. And then there was his heartrending tale, in 2000, of a Cuban woman who died trying to flee her country by boat. Turned out the woman in the snapshot he provided the editors was a Cuban hotel worker who they tracked down in 2004, alive and well. launched an investigation, it found Kelley had made up "all or part of 20 stories that appeared in the paper, lifted more than 100 pa.s.sages and quotes from other, uncredited sources." There was no Pakistani student gunning for the Sears Tower, and he never infiltrated anything or rode along on a hunt for bin Laden. And then there was his heartrending tale, in 2000, of a Cuban woman who died trying to flee her country by boat. Turned out the woman in the snapshot he provided the editors was a Cuban hotel worker who they tracked down in 2004, alive and well.

What it taught us about the media You could walk into a major newspaper, introduce yourself as Jack Ryan, and hand in an excerpt of a Tom Clancy novel. They'd put in the next morning's paper. Then they'd win the Pulitzer.

4. THE GREAT MOON HOAX.

When It Happened: 1835 News Agencies Involved: The New York Sun The New York Sun

In 1835, the New York Sun New York Sun duped the people of the United States into believing that aliens had been discovered on the moon. duped the people of the United States into believing that aliens had been discovered on the moon.

To its credit, it attributed this fantastic discovery to John Herschel, the best-known astronomer of his day. Herschel was the perfect cover because he was famous yet reclusive. Since telephones hadn't been invented, it was virtually impossible for Herschel to dispute the Sun Sun's claims, and the ridiculous scheme worked: The Sun Sun increased its subscriber base by over fifteen thousand daily after the first story. increased its subscriber base by over fifteen thousand daily after the first story.

Having learned a valuable lesson about deceiving its readers (specifically, hey this s.h.i.+t works!) the Sun Sun announced the life that was discovered on the moon consisted of intelligent batmen. Once again, circulation increased, making the announced the life that was discovered on the moon consisted of intelligent batmen. Once again, circulation increased, making the Sun Sun the largest newspaper on the planet. The story was so thoroughly believed that a Springfield, Ma.s.sachusetts, missionary society resolved to send missionaries to the moon to convert and civilize the bat-men, apparently unaware that bat-men have lost all faith since they saw their parents gunned down in that alleyway. the largest newspaper on the planet. The story was so thoroughly believed that a Springfield, Ma.s.sachusetts, missionary society resolved to send missionaries to the moon to convert and civilize the bat-men, apparently unaware that bat-men have lost all faith since they saw their parents gunned down in that alleyway.

What it taught us about the media The story was revealed to be a hoax several weeks after its publication, but since there was no television or radio, the news didn't spread very far. The Sun Sun never had to issue a retraction, and its circulation didn't decrease as a result. Nevertheless, the media learned its lesson: Don't tell falsehoods unless you like giant piles of money that will last forever with no repercussions. never had to issue a retraction, and its circulation didn't decrease as a result. Nevertheless, the media learned its lesson: Don't tell falsehoods unless you like giant piles of money that will last forever with no repercussions.

3. MICHAEL BAY DIRECTS THE NEWS.

In 1992, Dateline NBC Dateline NBC aired an investigative report that showed unsettling videos of GM pickup trucks exploding on impact in low-speed collisions, presumably due to faulty fuel tanks . . . or wizards. aired an investigative report that showed unsettling videos of GM pickup trucks exploding on impact in low-speed collisions, presumably due to faulty fuel tanks . . . or wizards.

Harry Pearce, GM's executive vice president at the time, attempted to discredit the story with a press conference that involved what legal scholars call "a s.h.i.+tload of evidence." During the press conference, Pearce produced a letter NBC sent him claiming the vehicles used in the video had been "junked" and, as a result, couldn't be inspected. Then he produced the astonis.h.i.+ngly not-junked cars. Before the folks at Dateline Dateline could respond, "Oh, you wanted the could respond, "Oh, you wanted the cars we used in the footage cars we used in the footage ! We thought you said ! We thought you said cards cards, and we were like, 'huh?' Ah, but no, the cars are fine . . . ," Pearce was ready to move on to act 2 of Ruining NBC's s.h.i.+t: The Reckoning. Ruining NBC's s.h.i.+t: The Reckoning.

Next, he brought out a blown-up screen grab of the collision that NBC aired and zoomed in on two tiny plumes of smoke coming out of the side of the pickup truck. The problem with this was that the screen grab was taken just moments before before impact. The GM pickup truck explosion that aired on the NBC program was actually caused by NBC. The producers had rigged the trucks prior to filming. There was literally a guy standing off camera pus.h.i.+ng a b.u.t.ton a split second before the filmed impact. impact. The GM pickup truck explosion that aired on the NBC program was actually caused by NBC. The producers had rigged the trucks prior to filming. There was literally a guy standing off camera pus.h.i.+ng a b.u.t.ton a split second before the filmed impact.

Of the five people responsible for the report, three were fired, one resigned, and one got transferred faster than a touch-y priest.

What it taught us about the media We at Cracked.com like to think the best about people, so the only explanation is that the like to think the best about people, so the only explanation is that the Dateline Dateline producers were drunk. For weeks. And GM was holding one of their daughters hostage. producers were drunk. For weeks. And GM was holding one of their daughters hostage.

2. EVERY MEDIA NETWORK IN THE COUNTRY STICKS ITS FINGERS IN IS EARS AND SHOUTS, "NAH NAH NAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU"

When It Happened: 2009News Agencies Involved: ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, Fox In 2008, New York Times New York Times journalist David Barstow discovered that in the run-up to the Iraq War, every single major media outlet had featured pro-war "impartial experts" who were in fact government sock puppets (metaphorically speaking, in all but the most r.e.t.a.r.ded cases). The report even went on to reveal which Pentagon officials' bony wrists were protruding from the a.s.ses of which talking heads (still metaphorically speaking . . . hopefully). journalist David Barstow discovered that in the run-up to the Iraq War, every single major media outlet had featured pro-war "impartial experts" who were in fact government sock puppets (metaphorically speaking, in all but the most r.e.t.a.r.ded cases). The report even went on to reveal which Pentagon officials' bony wrists were protruding from the a.s.ses of which talking heads (still metaphorically speaking . . . hopefully).

In the end, Barstow's report revealed that when it came to the Iraq War America got news that was as reliable as a Chinese Google search for "Tiananmen Square." The Pentagon and major TV news outlets misled Americans into war. That's the information age's Watergate! So why had we never seen Barstow's name before our research intern told us to type it up there?

It turns out the reports, though impossible to deny, were remarkably easy for TV news outlets to ignore, despite the fact that they were published on the front page of the New York New York G.o.dd.a.m.ned G.o.dd.a.m.ned Times Times. When Barstow won the Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting in 2009, most television pundits were busy hyping swine flu. Brian Williams had the b.a.l.l.s to report that the paper had won five Pulitzers, and even mentioned the subject of three of the stories they'd won for. He just chose not to mention the one they got for pointing out that he's a government stooge.

What it taught us about the media Hey, those celebrity v.a.g.i.n.as aren't going to expose themselves themselves. OK, they are, but that's beside the point. The system's not perfect, but it's not Stalinist Russia either. As long as the New York Times New York Times is around, we have nothing to worry abou-Oh, hey, look. There's one more entry on this list. is around, we have nothing to worry abou-Oh, hey, look. There's one more entry on this list.

1. THE DENIAL OF THE HOLODOMOR.

When It Happened: 1932-33 When It Happened: 1932-33News Agencies Involved: New York Times New York Times, International Herald Tribune International Herald Tribune, and the Nation Nation When the harvest of 1932 was poorer than expected in most regions of the Soviet Union, it became pretty clear that there wasn't enough food for the Russian people. Unfortunately, Stalin's government was busy convincing the world that Communism was rad, and alerting the world to an impending disaster wasn't part of the PR plan.

Luckily, America had its best Russian reporter on the ground at the time: Walter Duranty, a Pulitzer Prize winner who had interviewed Stalin himself. As millions of Russians began starving to death and Stalin continued itching his b.a.l.l.s indifferently, the New York Times New York Times' Duranty stepped up to the plate, informing the world: "Any report of a famine in Russia is today an exaggeration or malignant propaganda. There is no actual starvation or deaths from starvation, but there is widespread mortality from diseases due to malnutrition." The people, you see, weren't starving to death; they were just dying of malnutrition dying of malnutrition. Wait, what the h.e.l.l?

It turns out that most writers who got approval to enter the Soviet Union were too terrified of Stalin to talk about what was really happening. They pretty much just reported whatever the Soviet government told them to. In Duranty's case, scoring an interview with the year's hottest dictator came with a price. Namely, not alerting the world that 10 million people were about to starve to death.

What it taught us about the media Everything you've ever read is a lie. Trust no one.

FOUR BRAINWAs.h.i.+NG TECHNIQUES THEY'RE USING ON YOU RIGHT NOW BRAINWAs.h.i.+NG doesn't take a lot of sci-fi gadgetry. There are all sorts of tried-and-true techniques that anyone can use to bypa.s.s the thinking part of your brain and flip a switch deep inside that says "OBEY." doesn't take a lot of sci-fi gadgetry. There are all sorts of tried-and-true techniques that anyone can use to bypa.s.s the thinking part of your brain and flip a switch deep inside that says "OBEY."

In fact, there's an entire a.r.s.enal of manipulation techniques being used on you every day to do just that. Techniques like: 4. CHANTING SLOGANS.

Every cult leader, drill sergeant, and politician knows that if you want to quiet all of those pesky doubting thoughts in a crowd, get them to scream a repet.i.tive phrase or slogan. You know it as chanting, but at New York City's Cult Hotline and Clinic, the practice is known as a thought-stopping technique. Guess why.

Why it works The a.n.a.lytical parts of your brain and those that handle repet.i.tive tasks just can't seem to function at the same time.

In a 2000 New Yorker New Yorker article, Malcolm Gladwell argued that this is why athletes choke in big moments. The heightened pressure turns on the a.n.a.lytical part of their brain while they're trying to complete a repet.i.tive task. Athletes refer to this as "overthinking a shot," or "p.o.o.ping the wedding bed." article, Malcolm Gladwell argued that this is why athletes choke in big moments. The heightened pressure turns on the a.n.a.lytical part of their brain while they're trying to complete a repet.i.tive task. Athletes refer to this as "overthinking a shot," or "p.o.o.ping the wedding bed."

Chanting just reverses the dynamic. It forces your brain into repet.i.tive-task mode so you can't think rationally. For instance, try solving a complex logic puzzle while screaming the chorus to that "I get knocked down" song over and over again.

Meditation works the same way, with chants or mantras meant to "calm the mind." Shutting down those nagging voices in the head is helpful for stressed-out individuals but even more helpful to a guy who wants to shut down an audience full of nagging voices suggesting that what he's saying might be ridiculous.

3. SLIPPING BULLs.h.i.+T INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS.

The rise of the Internet has given birth to a whole new, sly technique of bulls.h.i.+t insertion. People who get paid to manipulate your opinion have figured out that most of us browse headlines instead of actually reading the news. And there's a way to exploit that based on how the brain stores memories.

The Drudge Report lives off this. A single anonymous source will report to a news blog that, say, Senator Smith runs a secret gay bordello. Drudge will run the headline: NEW QUESTIONS ABOUT SMITH'S SECRET GAY BORDELLO Or perhaps there'll just be a question mark on the end: SMITH: SECRET GAY BORDELLO a.s.s MASTER?.

It doesn't matter that the headline merely involves "questions" about the bordello. The idea has been planted, and two months later when somebody mentions Senator Smith around the water cooler you'll say, "The gay bordello guy, right?"

Why it works It's called source amnesia source amnesia. According to a 2008 article in the New York Times New York Times, it's the reason why "you know that the capital of California is Sacramento, but you probably don't remember how you learned it." The brain has limited storage, so it stores just the important nugget but usually discards the trivial context, such as when and where you learned about it.

In the era of information overload, that's a mechanism that can be easily exploited. A piece of information can be presented with all sorts of qualifiers, but often the brain will only remember the ugly rumor and completely forget the qualifiers. It happens even if the headline we read was specifically specifically about the rumor being untrue. about the rumor being untrue.

You'll see this every election cycle. The entire point of putting a shaky rumor into the press is to force your opponent to deny it, because denial works just as well as the accusation to secure the rumor in the brains of voters. Thanks to source amnesia, for millions of people all three of these: SMITH DENIES GAY BORDELLO RUMORS.

SMITH REFUSES COMMENT ON GAY BORDELLO RUMORS.

SMITH ADMITS STARTING, VISITING, BURNING DOWN BORDELLO-ORPHANAGE.

register as the exact same headline.

2. CONTROLLING WHAT YOU WATCH AND READ.

Restriction of reading material is common to every cult. The idea is to insulate the members from any opposing points of view. That's why the guys claiming to be s.e.x messiahs tend to start their polygamous compounds out in the middle of the desert. Not a lot of dissenting voices out there.

It turns out that technique works just as well out in the real world. Only n.o.body has to drag you into the desert and tell you what to read. Your brain handles that part for them.

Why it works Our brain is wired to get a quick high from reading things that agree with our own point of view. Scientists at Emory University actually hooked scanners up to the brains of staunch conservatives and liberals and asked them about politically divisive issues. The scans showed the brain's pleasure center lit up when people heard something they agreed with and lit up again when intentionally dismissing information that they disagreed with. Yes, our brain rewards us for being closed-minded d.i.c.ks.

This is why the Right and Left each has its own publis.h.i.+ng arm, and why each one's favorite topic of discussion is how corrupt and ridiculous the other side's media is. Most of us will gladly close ourselves in whichever echo chamber of talk radio, blogs, and cable news outlets give us that little "I knew it knew it!" high.

1. KEEPING YOU IN LINE WITH SHAME.

You can win any formal debate in college by using our patented technique of simply repeating your opponent's argument in a high-pitched, mocking tone while wiggling your fingers in the air. There really is no defense.

They call this the appeal to ridicule fallacy appeal to ridicule fallacy. To which we would reply, "Ooh, appeal to ridicule fallacy! Well, I've got a phallus phallus you can you can see see right here, college boy." right here, college boy."

Professionals have more sophisticated methods, but they still know that if they can portray an idea as ridiculous, the listener usually won't bother examining it any closer to find out if the ridicule is justified.

For instance, the UN recently released a report that found more greenhouse ga.s.ses come from cattle than the tailpipes of cars. Luckily for whichever side of the global-warming debate that information p.i.s.ses off, this statistic can also be stated thusly: "So now they're telling us that-get this-global warming is caused by cows farting! Priceless!"

And now it's ridiculous. Why even consider a piece of information that ridiculous? That's only something a ridiculous person would do! And you're not ridiculous, are you?

Why it works There are these primitive, lower parts of your brain called amygdalae that control base, emotional reactions. That's where things like contempt and shame come from, and stimulating the amygdalae can completely shut down the a.n.a.lytical part of your brain. The gang calls you a coward, and the next thing you know you're wedging a Roman candle between your b.u.t.t cheeks.

You can thank evolution for that. Mockery developed as a conformity enforcer, to keep people in line. Way back when humans started forming groups and tribes, social status was everything. Making a person, idea, or behavior the target of mockery gave it a lower social position. If you were a.s.sociated with the idea, you were left out of the hunting/eating/ orgies that made life worthwhile. Thousands of years later, a good dose of mockery can still shut down critical thinking and make us fall right in line.

FIVE HOLLYWOOD ADAPTATIONS THAT TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT.

AH, publis.h.i.+ng a book. It's like getting confirmation that your time here on earth mattered, but putting your thoughts down on paper doesn't come without risks. There's always the chance that Hollywood will turn your book into a movie, and-spoiler alert- publis.h.i.+ng a book. It's like getting confirmation that your time here on earth mattered, but putting your thoughts down on paper doesn't come without risks. There's always the chance that Hollywood will turn your book into a movie, and-spoiler alert-the studio has a few ideas about the ending. This is s...o...b..z slang for, "We're going to make your story say exactly the opposite of what you'd intended." This is s...o...b..z slang for, "We're going to make your story say exactly the opposite of what you'd intended."

5. FIGHT CLUB FIGHT CLUB, ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY CHUCK PALAHNIUK.

In rebellion against the shallowness of modern life and IKEA, the narrator creates an imaginary split personality named Tyler Durden, who urges men to beat the c.r.a.p out of each other and commit random acts of anarchy. As the story reaches a climax, the narrator realizes he needs to rid himself of Tyler and shoots himself in the head, because that's where your imagination lives.

The book ending The book makes the dubious claim that being shot in the head puts you in the hospital, and that's where we find the narrator. The narrator describes the hospital in beatific language, calling the attendants "angels." But alas, one of the "angels" is a Fight Club member, who ends the book saying, "We look forward to getting you back." Thus we learn that the narrator has created a monster in the Fight Club anarchist group that is out of his control.

Moral of the book Modern life is emasculating and can provoke a violent backlash by those feeling disconnected from humanity. This is a bad thing. This is a bad thing.

The Hollywood ending After shooting himself in the head, the narrator naturally has sustained only a minor flesh wound. The film ends with him holding hands with his love interest while watching a ma.s.sive spectacle take place in the background, which we all recognize as Hollywood shorthand for "everything is going to turn out all right." For those who don't get it, Edward Norton helpfully states, "Everything's going to be fine."

And so ends an uplifting tale of a guy who got out of a rut with a series of violent escapades learned his lesson about taking it too far, and is going to continue with life the better for his experience. Someday he will look back and tell his grandkids this funny story about how he and grandma met, and then pit them against each other in combat.

Moral of the movie Same as the book but without the consequences. It's not totally surprising, then, that teens across the world started creating their own fight clubs their own fight clubs, apparently mistaking the movie for an instructional video on how to achieve six-pack abs.

4. THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK, ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY ALEXANDRE DUMAS.

The man in the t.i.tle is Philippe, identical twin of King Louis XIV of France. As often happens with twins, Philippe is good and Louis is evil. Philippe has been imprisoned for most of his life due to his dangerous potential claim to the throne. A group of musketeers finds him and hatches a plan to swap him out by making a dramatic charge down a prison hallway into a point-blank hail of gunfire. At this point in a story about the end of an era of heroes, as the aged, formally retired musketeers are making a brave suicide charge for a just cause, you would expect the heroes to die heroically . . .

The book ending . . . which is basically what happens in the novel you read in school, though it probably took longer than you expected. When the musketeers are eventually defeated, Louis puts Philippe away for life and goes down in history as a great king. Thus we learn a sad truth about the human condition: History is written by the winners and the winners are often d.i.c.kbags.

Moral of the book The age of chivalry is pa.s.sing because men of honor are at a natural disadvantage in our modern, amoral world.

The Hollywood ending As the smoke clears, the firing squad looks into the haze and sees the musketeers completely untouched, striding forward. Moved to tears, the guards put aside their guns and join the musketeers in putting Louis away and proclaiming Philippe king.

The epilogue proclaims that the good Philippe replaced the evil Louis XIV and was the best king of France ever, thus raising a big cheerful middle finger to everything we know about French history.

Moral of the movie In a world where the age of chivalry is pa.s.sing, the age of chivalry is pa.s.sing, three men must risk everything three men must risk everything, which is cool because the good guys always win, especially when they're fighting for a cause as handsome as Leonardo DiCaprio. Bonus moral: Hollywood proves that history can be rewritten rewritten by d.i.c.kbags too. by d.i.c.kbags too.