One Hundred Merrie And Delightsome Stories Part 16

[Ill.u.s.tration: 20.jpg THE HUSBAND AS DOCTOR.]

STORY THE TWENTIETH -- THE HUSBAND AS DOCTOR.

By Philippe De Laon.

_Of a young squire of Champagne who, when he married, had never mounted a Christian creature,--much to his wife's regret. And of the method her mother found to instruct him, and how the said squire suddenly wept at a great feast that was made shortly after he had learned how to perform the carnal act--as you will hear more plainly hereafter._

It is well known that in the province of Champagne you are sure to meet heavy and dull-witted persons--which has seemed strange to many persons, seeing that the district is so near to the country of Mischief. (*) Many stories could be told of the stupidity of the Champenois, but this present story will suffice.

(*) _Mal-Eugen_ in the original. The author probably means Picardy or Lorraine.

In this province, there lived a young man, an orphan, who at the death of his father and mother had become rich and powerful. He was stupid, ignorant, and disagreeable, but hard-working and knew well how to take care of himself and his affairs, and for this reason, many persons,--even people of condition,--were willing to give him their daughter in marriage.

One of these damsels, above all others, pleased the friends and relations of our Champenois, for her beauty, goodness, riches, and so forth. They told him that it was time he married.

"You are now," they said, "twenty-three years old, and there could not be a better time. And if you will listen to us, we have searched out for you a fair and good damsel who seems to us just suited to you. It is such an one--you know her well;" and they told him her name.

The young man, who cared little whether he was married or not, as long as he lost no money by it, replied that he would do whatever they wished. "Since you think it will be to my advantage, manage the business the best way you can, and I will follow your advice and instructions."

"You say well," replied these good people. "We will select your wife as carefully as though it were for ourselves, or one of our children."

To cut matters short, a little time afterwards our Champenois was married; but on the first night, when he was sleeping with his wife, he, never having mounted on any Christian woman, soon turned his back to her, and a few poor kisses was all she had of him, but nothing on her back. You may guess his wife was not well pleased at this; nevertheless, she concealed her discontent.

This unsatisfactory state of things lasted ten days, and would have continued longer if the girl's mother had not put a stop to it.

It should be known to you that the young man was unskilled in the mysteries of wedlock, for during the lifetime of his parents he had been kept with a tight hand, and, above all things, had been forbidden to play at the beast with two backs, lest he should take too much delight therein, and waste all his patrimony. This was wise of his parents, for he was not a young man likely to be loved for his good looks.

As he would do nothing to anger his father or mother, and was, moreover, not of an amorous disposition, he had always preserved his chast.i.ty, though his wife would willingly have deprived him of it, if she had known how to do so honestly.

One day the mother of the bride came to her daughter, and asked her all about her husband's state and condition, and the thousand other things which women like to know. To all of these questions the bride replied that her husband was a good man, and she hoped and believed that she would be happy with him.

But the old woman knew by her own experience that there are more things in married life than eating and drinking, so she said to her daughter;

"Come here, and tell me, on your word of honour, how does he acquit himself at night?"

When the girl heard this question she was so vexed and ashamed that she could not reply, and her eyes filled with tears. Her mother understood what these tears meant, and said;

"Do not weep, my child! Speak out boldly! I am your mother, and you ought not to conceal anything from me, or be afraid of telling me. Has he done nothing to you yet?"

The poor girl, having partly recovered, and being re-a.s.sured by her mother's words, ceased her tears, but yet could make no reply.

Thereupon, her mother asked again;

"Lay aside your grief and answer me honestly: has he done nothing to you yet?"

In a low voice, mingled with tears, the girl replied, "On my word, mother, he has never yet touched me, but, except for that, there is no more kind or affectionate man."

"Tell me," said the mother; "do you know if he is properly furnished with all his members? Speak out boldly, if you know."

"By St. John! he is all right in that respect," replied the bride. "I have often, by chance, felt his luggage as I turned to and fro in our bed when I could not sleep."

"That is enough," said the mother; "leave the rest to me. This is what _you_ must do. In the morning you must pretend to be very ill--even as though your soul were departing from your body. Your husband will, I fully expect, seek me out and bid me come to you, and I will play my part so well that your business will be soon settled, for I shall take your water to a certain doctor, who will give such advice as I order."

All was done as arranged, for on the morrow, as soon as it was dawn, the girl, who was sleeping with her husband, began to complain and to sham sickness as though a strong fever racked her body.

Her b.o.o.by husband was much vexed and astonished, and knew not what to say or do. He sent forthwith for his mother-in-law, who was not long in coming. As soon as he saw her, "Alas! mother!" said he, "your daughter is dying."

"My daughter?" said she. "What does she want?" and whilst she was speaking she walked to the patient's chamber.

As soon as the mother saw her daughter, she asked what was the matter; and the girl, being well instructed what she was to do, answered not at first, but, after a little time, said, "Mother, I am dying."

"You shall not die, please G.o.d! Take courage! But how comes it that you are taken ill so suddenly?"

"I do not know! I do not know!" replied the girl. "It drives me wild to answer all these questions."

The old woman took the girl's hand, and felt her pulse; then she said to her son-in-law;

"On my word she is very ill. She is full of fire, and we must find some remedy. Have you any of her water?"

"That which she made last night is there," said one of the attendants.

"Give it me," said the mother.

She took the urine, and put it in a proper vessel, and told her son-in-law that she was about to show it to such-and-such a doctor, that he might know what he could do to her daughter to cure her.

"For G.o.d's sake spare nothing," said she. "I have yet some money left, but I love my daughter better than money."

"Spare!" quoth he. "If money can help, you shall not want."

"No need to go so fast," said she. "Whilst she is resting, I will go home; but I will come back if I am wanted."

Now you must know that the old woman had on the previous day, when she left her daughter, instructed the doctor, who was well aware of what he ought to say. So the young man carried his wife's water to the doctor, and when he had saluted him, related how sick and suffering his wife was.

"And I have brought you some of her water that you may judge how ill she is, and more easily cure her."

The doctor took the vessel of urine, and turned it about and examined it, then said;

"Your wife is afflicted with a sore malady, and is in danger of dying unless help be forthcoming; her water shows it."

"Ah, master, for G.o.d's sake tell me what to do, and I will pay you well if you can restore her to health, and prevent her from dying."

"She need not die," said the doctor; "but unless you make haste, all the money in the world will not save her life."