The Old Bachelor: a Comedy Part 22

SHARP. Impossible! Araminta take a liking to a fool? [_Aloud_.]

SET. Her head runs on nothing else, nor she can talk of nothing else.

SHARP. I know she commanded him all the while we were in the Park; but I thought it had been only to make Vainlove jealous.

SIR JO. How's this! Good bully, hold your breath and let's hearken.

Agad, this must be I.

SHARP. Death, it can't be. An oaf, an idiot, a wittal.

SIR JO. Ay, now it's out; 'tis I, my own individual person.

SHARP. A wretch that has flown for shelter to the lowest shrub of mankind, and seeks protection from a blasted coward.

SIR JO. That's you, bully back. [BLUFFE _frowns upon_ SIR JOSEPH.]

SHARP. She has given Vainlove her promise to marry him before to-morrow morning. Has she not? [_To_ SETTER.]

SET. She has, sir; and I have it in charge to attend her all this evening, in order to conduct her to the place appointed.

SHARP. Well, I'll go and inform your master; and do you press her to make all the haste imaginable.

SCENE VII.

SETTER, SIR JOSEPH, BLUFFE.

SET. Were I a rogue now, what a n.o.ble prize could I dispose of! A goodly pinnace, richly laden, and to launch forth under my auspicious convoy. Twelve thousand pounds and all her rigging, besides what lies concealed under hatches. Ha! all this committed to my care! Avaunt, temptation! Setter, show thyself a person of worth; be true to thy trust, and be reputed honest. Reputed honest! Hum: is that all? Ay; for to be honest is nothing; the reputation of it is all. Reputation!

what have such poor rogues as I to do with reputation? 'tis above us; and for men of quality, they are above it; so that reputation is even as foolish a thing as honesty. And, for my part, if I meet Sir Joseph with a purse of gold in his hand, I'll dispose of mine to the best advantage.

SIR JO. Heh, heh, heh: Here 'tis for you, i'faith, Mr. Setter. Nay, I'll take you at your word. [_c.h.i.n.king a purse_.]

SET. Sir Joseph and the captain, too! undone! undone! I'm undone, my master's undone, my lady's undone, and all the business is undone.

SIR JO. No, no; never fear, man; the lady's business shall be done.

What, come, Mr. Setter, I have overheard all, and to speak is but loss of time; but if there be occasion, let these worthy gentlemen intercede for me. [_Gives him gold_.]

SET. O lord, sir, what d'ye mean? Corrupt my honesty? They have indeed very persuading faces. But--

SIR JO. 'Tis too little, there's more, man. There, take all. Now--

SET. Well, Sir Joseph, you have such a winning way with you--

SIR JO. And how, and how, good Setter, did the little rogue look when she talked of Sir Joseph? Did not her eyes twinkle and her mouth water?

Did not she pull up her little bubbies? And--agad, I'm so overjoyed--And stroke down her belly? and then step aside to tie her garter when she was thinking of her love? Heh, Setter!

SET. Oh, yes, sir.

SIR JO. How now, bully? What, melancholy because I'm in the lady's favour? No matter, I'll make your peace: I know they were a little smart upon you. But I warrant I'll bring you into the lady's good graces.

BLUFF. Pshaw, I have pet.i.tions to show from other-guess toys than she.

Look here; these were sent me this morning. There, read. [_Shows letters_]. That--that's a scrawl of quality. Here, here's from a countess too. Hum--No, hold--that's from a knight's wife--she sent it me by her husband. But here, both these are from persons of great quality.

SIR JO. They are either from persons of great quality, or no quality at all, 'tis such a d.a.m.ned ugly hand. [_While_ SIR JOSEPH _reads_, BLUFFE _whispers_ SETTER.]

SET. Captain, I would do anything to serve you; but this is so difficult.

BLUFF. Not at all. Don't I know him?

SET. You'll remember the conditions?

BLUFF. I'll give it you under my hand. In the meantime, here's earnest.

[_Gives him money_.] Come, knight, I'm capitulating with Mr. Setter for you.

SIR JO. Ah, honest Setter; sirrah, I'll give thee anything but a night's lodging.

SCENE VIII.

SHARPER _tugging in_ HEARTWELL.

SHARP. Nay, prithee leave railing, and come along with me. May be she mayn't be within. 'Tis but to yond corner-house.

HEART. Whither? Whither? Which corner-house.

SHARP. Why, there: the two white posts.

HEART. And who would you visit there, say you? (O'ons, how my heart aches.)

SHARP. Pshaw, thou'rt so troublesome and inquisitive. My, I'll tell you; 'tis a young creature that Vainlove debauched and has forsaken. Did you never hear Bellmour chide him about Sylvia?

HEART. Death, and h.e.l.l, and marriage! My wife! [_Aside_.]

SHARP. Why, thou art as musty as a new-married man that had found his wife knowing the first night.

HEART. h.e.l.l, and the Devil! Does he know it? But, hold; if he should not, I were a fool to discover it. I'll dissemble, and try him.

[_Aside_.] Ha, ha, ha. Why, Tom, is that such an occasion of melancholy? Is it such an uncommon mischief?

SHARP. No, faith; I believe not. Few women but have their year of probation before they are cloistered in the narrow joys of wedlock. But, prithee, come along with me or I'll go and have the lady to myself. B'w'y George. [_Going_.]

HEART. O torture! How he racks and tears me! Death! Shall I own my shame or wittingly let him go and wh.o.r.e my wife? No, that's insupportable. O Sharper!

SHARP. How now?

HEART. Oh, I am married.