Hudibras Part 14

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant Are something more significant 860 Than any that the learned use Upon this subject to produce; And yet th' are far from satisfactory, T' establish and keep up your factory.

Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865 s.h.i.+fted his setting and his rise Twice has he risen in the west, As many times set in the east; But whether that be true or no, The Dev'l any of you know. 870 Some hold the heavens like a top, And kept by circulation. up; And, were't not for their wheeling round, They'd instantly fall to the ground: As sage EMPEDOCLES of old, And from him modern authors hold. 875 PLATO believ'd the Sun and Moon Below all other Planets run.

Some MERCURY, some VENUS, seat Above the Sun himself in height.

The learned SCALIGER complain'd, 880 Gainst what COPERNICUS maintain'd, That, in twelve hundred years and odd, The Sun had left its ancient road, And nearer to time earth is come 'Bove fifty thousand miles from home: 885 Swore 'twas a most notorious flam; And he that had so little shame To vent such fopperies abroad, Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd; Which Monsieur BODIN hearing, swore 890 That he deserv'd the rod much more, That durst upon a truth give doom; He knew less than the Pope of Rome.

CARDAN believ'd great states depend Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end; 895 That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, Strow'd mighty empires up and down; Which others say must needs be false, Because your true bears have no tails.

Some say the Zodiack Constellations 900 Have long since chang'd their antique stations Above a sign, and prove the same In Taurus now once in the Ram; Affirm the trigons chop'd and chang'd, The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd: 905 Then how can their effects still hold To be the same they were of old?

This, though the art were true, would make Our modern soothsayers mistake: 910 And in one cause they tell more lies, In figures and nativities, Than th' old Chaldean conjurers In so many hundred thousand years Beside their nonsense in translating, 915 For want of accidence and Latin, Like Idus, and Calendae, Englisht The quarter-days by skilful linguist; And yet with canting, sleight and, cheat, 'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920 Make fools believe in their foreseeing Of things before they are in being To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch'd; And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd Make them the constellations prompt, 925 And give 'em back their own accompt But still the best to him that gives The best price for't, or best believes.

Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, Have cast the 'versal world's nativity, 930 And made the infant-stars confess, Like fools or children, what they please.

Some calculate the hidden fates Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats Some running-nags and fighting c.o.c.ks, 935 Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox; Some take a measure of the lives Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives; Make opposition, trine, and quartile, Tell who is barren, and who fertile; 940 As if the planet's first aspect The tender infant did infect In soul and body, and instill All future good, and future ill; Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945 At destin'd periods fall a working; And break out, like the hidden seeds Of long diseases, into deeds, In friends.h.i.+ps, enmities, and strife, And all the emergencies of life. 950 No sooner does he peep into The world, but he has done his do; Catch'd all diseases, took all physick That cures or kills a man that is sick; Marry'd his punctual dose of wives; 955 Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives.

There's but the twinkling of a star Between a man of peace and war; A thief and justice, fool and knave, A huffing officer and a slave; 960 A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, A great philosopher and a blockhead; A formal preacher and a player, A learn'd physician and manslayer.

As if men from the stars did suck 965 Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice; And draw, with the first air they breathe, Battle and murder, sudden death. 970 Are not these fine commodities To be imported from the skies, And vended here amongst the rabble, For staple goods and warrantable?

Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 975 In th' other world to be restor'd?

Quoth SIDROPHEL, To let you know You wrong the art, and artists too, Since arguments are lost on those That do our principles oppose, 980 I will (although I've done't before) Demonstrate to your sense once more, And draw a figure, that shall tell you What you, perhaps, forget befel you, By way of horary inspection, 985 Which some account our worst erection.

With that he circles draws, and squares, With cyphers, astral characters; Then looks 'em o'er, to und'erstand 'em, Although set down hob-nab, at random. 990 Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, Discovers how in fight you met At Kingston with a may-pole idol, And that y' were bang'd both back and side well; And though you overcame the bear, 995 The dogs beat you at Brentford fair; Where st.u.r.dy butchers broke your noddle, And handled you like a fop-doodle.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I now perceive You are no conj'rer, by your leave; 1000 That paultry story is untrue, And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you.

Not true? quoth he; howe'er you vapour, I can what I affirm make appear.

WHACHUM shall justify't t' your face, 1005 And prove he was upon the place.

He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my art He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010 And what you lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i' th' house.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I do believe That argument's demonstrative.

RALPHO, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015 A constable to seize the wretches For though th' are both false knaves and cheats, Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, I'll make them serve for perpendiculars As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020 They're guilty, by their own confessions, Of felony, and at the sessions, Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em, That the vibration of this pendulum Shalt make all taylors yards of one 1025 Unanimous opinion, A thing he long has vapour'd of, But now shall wake it out of proof.

Quoth SIDROPHEL, I do not doubt To find friends that will bear me out, 1030 Nor have I hazarded my art, And neck, so long on the state's part, To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer By such a braggadocio huffer.

Huffer! quoth HUDIBRAS: this sword 1035 Shall down thy false throat craw that word.

RALPHO, make haste, and call an officer, To apprehend this Stygian sophister, Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay, Lest he and WHACHUM run away. 1040

But SIDROPHEL who, from the aspect Of HUDIBRAS did now erect A figure worse portenting far Than that of a malignant star, Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045 To shun the danger that might come on't, While HUDIBRAS was all alone, And he and WHACHUM, two to one.

This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050 That many a st.u.r.dy limb had gor'd, And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd: He s.n.a.t.c.h'd it up, and made a pa.s.s, To make his way through HUDIBRAS.

WHACHUM had got a fire-fork, 1055 With which he vow'd to do his work.

But HUDIBRAS was well prepar'd, And stoutly stood upon his guard: He put by SIDROPh.e.l.lO'S thrust, And in right manfully he rusht; l060 The weapon from his gripe he wrung, And laid him on the earth along.

WHACHUM his sea-coal p.r.o.ng threw by, And basely turn'd his back to fly But HUDIBRAS gave him a twitch 1065 As quick as light'ning in the breech, Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, As wise philosophers have judg'd; Because a kick in that place more Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The stars determine You are my prisoners, base vermine!

Could they not tell you so as well As what I came to know foretell?

By this what cheats you are we find, 1075 That in your own concerns are blind.

Your lives are now at my dispose, To be redeem'd by fine or blows: But who his honour wou'd defile, To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080 I'll give you quarter; but your pillage, The conq'ring warrior's crop and tillage, Which with his sword he reaps and plows, That's mine, the law of arms allows.

This said, in haste, in haste he fell 1085 To rummaging of SIDROPHEL.

First, he expounded both his pockets, And found a watch, with rings and lockets, Which had been left with him t' erect A figure for, and so detect; 1090 A copper-plate, with almanacks Engrav'd upon't; with other knacks, Of BOOKER's LILLY's, SARAH JIMMERS', And blank-schemes to discover nimmers; A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095 And sev'ral constellation stones, Engrav'd in planetary hours, That over mortals had strange powers To make 'em thrive in law or trade, And stab or poison to evade; 1100 In wit or wisdom to improve, And be victorious in love, WHACHUM had neither cross nor pile; His plunder was not worth the while; All which the conq'rer did discompt, 1105 To pay for curing of his rump.