Hudibras Part 8

What are their orders, const.i.tutions, 1125 Church-censures, curses, absolutions, But' sev'ral mystic chains they make, To tie poor Christians to the stake, And then set heathen officers, Instead of dogs, about their ears? 1130 For to prohibit and dispense; To find out or to make offence; Of h.e.l.l and Heaven to dispose; To play with souls at fast and loose; To set what characters they please, 1135 And mulcts on sin or G.o.dliness; Reduce the Church to gospel-order, By rapine, sacrilege, and murder; To make Presbytery supreme, And Kings themselves submit to them; 1140 And force all people, though against Their consciences, to turn Saints; Must prove a pretty thriving trade, When Saints monopolists are made; When pious frauds, and holy s.h.i.+fts, 1145 Are dispensations and gifts, Their G.o.dliness becomes mere ware, And ev'ry Synod but a fair.

Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition, A mungrel breed of like pernicion, 1150 And growing up, became the sires Of scribes, commissioners, and triers; Whose bus'ness is, by cunning slight, To cast a figure for mens' light; To find, in lines of beard and face, 1155 The physiognomy of grace; And by the sound and tw.a.n.g of nose, If all be sound within disclose, Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, As men try pipkins by the ringing; 1160 By black caps underlaid with white, Give certain guess at inward light.

Which serjeants at the gospel wear, To make the spiritual calling clear; The handkerchief about the neck 1165 (Canonical cravat of SMECK, From whom the inst.i.tution came, When Church and State they set on flame, And worn by them as badges then Of spiritual warfaring men) 1170 Judge rightly if regeneration Be of the newest cut in fas.h.i.+on.

Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion, That grace is founded in dominion.

Great piety consists in pride; 1175 To rule is to be sanctified: To domineer, and to controul, Both o'er the body and the soul, Is the most perfect discipline Of church-rule, and by right-divine. 1180 Bell and the Dragon's chaplains were More moderate than these by far: For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, To get their wives and children meat; But these will not be fobb'd off so; 1185 They must have wealth and power too, Or else with blood and desolation They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation.

Sure these themselves from primitive And Heathen Priesthood do derive, 1190 When butchers were the only Clerks, Elders and Presbyters of Kirks; Whose directory was to kill; And some believe it is so still.

The only diff'rence is, that then 1195 They slaughter'd only beasts, now men.

For then to sacrifice a bullock, Or now and then a child to Moloch, They count a vile abomination, But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200 Presbytery does but translate The Papacy to a free state; A commonwealth of Popery, Where ev'ry village is a See As well as Rome, and must maintain 1205 A t.i.the-pig Metropolitan; Where ev'ry Presbyter and Deacon Commands the keys for cheese and bacon; And ev'ry hamlet's governed By's Holiness, the Church's Head; 1210 More haughty and severe in's place, Than GREGORY or BONIFACE.

Such Church must (surely) be a monster With many heads: for if we conster What in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215 According to th' Apostle's mind, 'Tis that the Wh.o.r.e of Babylon With many heads did ride upon; Which heads denote the sinful tribe Of Deacon, Priest, Lay-Elder, Scribe. 1220

Lay-Elder, SIMEON to LEVI, Whose little finger is as heavy As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate, And bishop-secular. This zealot Is of a mungrel, diverse kind; 1225 Cleric before, and lay behind; A lawless linsie-woolsie brother, Half of one order, half another; A creature of amphibious nature; On land a beast, a fish in water; 1230 That always preys on grace or sin; A sheep without, a wolf within.

This fierce inquisitor has chief Dominion over men's belief And manners: can p.r.o.nounce a Saint 1235 Idolatrous or ignorant, When superciliously he sifts Through coa.r.s.est boulter others' gifts; For all men live and judge amiss, Whose talents jump not just with his. 1240 He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place On dullest noddle Light and Grace, The manufacture of the Kirk.

Those pastors are but th' handy-work Of his mechanic paws, instilling 1245 Divinity in them by feeling; From whence they start up Chosen Vessels, Made by contact, as men get meazles.

So Cardinals, they say, do grope At th' other end the new-made Pope. 1250

Hold, hold, quoth HUDIBRAS; soft fire, They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, Festina lente, not too fast; For haste (the proverb says) makes waste.

The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255 Are false, and built upon mistake: And I shall bring you, with your pack Of fallacies, t' elenchi back; And put your arguments in mood And figure to be understood. 1260 I'll force you, by right ratiocination, To leave your vitilitigation, And make you keep to th' question close, And argue dialecticos.

The question then, to state it first, 1265 Is, Which is better, or which worst, Synods or Bears? Bears I avow To be the worst, and Synods thou.

But, to make good th' a.s.sertion, Thou say'st th' are really all one. 1270 If so, not worst; for if th' are idem Why then, tantundem dat tantidem.

For if they are the same, by course, Neither is better, neither worse.

But I deny they are the same, 1275 More than a maggot and I am.

That both are animalia I grant, but not rationalia: For though they do agree in kind, Specific difference we find; 1280 And can no more make bears of these, Than prove my horse is SOCRATES.

That Synods are bear-gardens too, Thou dost affirm; but I say no: And thus I prove it in a word; 1285 Whats'ver a.s.sembly's not impow'r'd To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain, Can be no Synod: but bear-garden Has no such pow'r; ergo, 'tis none: And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 1290

But yet we are beside the question Which thou didst raise the first contest on; For that was, Whether Bears are better Than Synod-men? I say, Negatur.

That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295 Is held by all: they're better then: For bears and dogs on four legs go, As beasts, but Synod-men on two.

'Tis true, they all have teeth and nails; But prove that Synod-men have tails; 1300 Or that a rugged, s.h.a.ggy fur Grows o'er the hide of Presbyter; Or that his snout and s.p.a.cious ears Do hold proportion with a bear's.

A bears a savage beast, of all 1305 Most ugly and unnatural Whelp'd without form, until the dam Has lick'd it into shape and frame: But all thy light can ne'er evict, That ever Synod-man was lick'd; 1310 Or brought to any other fas.h.i.+on, Than his own will and inclination.

But thou dost further yet in this Oppugn thyself and sense; that is, Thou would'st have Presbyters to go 1315 For bears and dogs, and bearwards too; A strange chimera of beasts and men, Made up of pieces heterogene; Such as in nature never met In eodem subjecto yet. 1320 Thy other arguments are all Supposures, hypothetical, That do but beg, and we may chose Either to grant them, or refuse.

Much thou hast said, which I know when 1325 And where thou stol'st from other men, Whereby 'tis plain thy Light and Gifts Are all but plagiary s.h.i.+fts; And is the same that Ranter said, Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 1330 And tore a handful of my beard: The self-same cavils then I heard, When, b'ing in hot dispute about This controversy, we fell out And what thou know'st I answer'd then, 1335 Will serve to answer thee agen.

Quoth RALPHO, Nothing but th' abuse Of human learning you produce; Learning, that cobweb of the brain, Profane, erroneous, and vain; 1340 A trade of knowledge, as replete As others are with fraud and cheat; An art t'inc.u.mber gifts and wit, And render both for nothing fit; Makes Light unactive, dull, and troubled, 1345 Like little DAVID in SAUL's doublet; A cheat that scholars put upon Other mens' reason and their own; A fort of error, to ensconce Absurdity and ignorance, 1350 That renders all the avenues To truth impervious and abstruse, By making plain things, in debate, By art, perplex'd, and intricate For nothing goes for sense or light 1355 That will not with old rules jump right: As if rules were not in the schools Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules.

This pagan, heathenish invention Is good for nothing but contention. 1360 For as, in sword-and-buckler fight, All blows do on the target light; So when men argue, the great'st part O' th' contests falls on terms of art, Until the fustian stuff be spent, 1365 And then they fall to th' argument.

Quoth HUDIBRAS Friend RALPH, thou hast Out-run the constable at last: For thou art fallen on a new Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370 But to the former opposite And contrary as black to white; Mere disparata; that concerning Presbytery; this, human learning; Two things s'averse, they never yet 1375 But in thy rambling fancy met.

But I shall take a fit occasion T' evince thee by ratiocination, Some other time, in place more proper Than this we're in; therefore let's stop here, 1380 And rest our weary'd bones a-while, Already tir'd with other toil.

NOTES TO PART I. CANTO III.

134 p First TRULLA stav'd, &c.] Staving and Tailing are terms of art used in the Bear-Garden, and signify there only the parting of dogs and bears: Though they are used metaphorically in several other professions, for moderating; as law, divinity, hectoring, &c.

153 q Or like the late corrected leathern Ears of the Circ.u.mcised Brethren.

Pryn, Bastwick, and Burton, who laid down their ears as proxies for their profession of the G.o.dly party, not long after maintained their right and t.i.tle to the pillory to be as good and lawful as theirs who first of all took possession of it in their names.

328 r That old, &c.] Pygmalion, king of Tyre, was the son of Margenus, or Mechres, whom he succeeded, and lived 56 years, wherof he reigned 47. Dido, his sister, was to have governed with him, but it was pretended the subjects thought it not convenient. She married Sichaeus, who was the king's uncle, and very rich; wherefore he put him to death; and Dido soon after departed the kingdom. Poets say, Pygmalion was punished for the hatred he bore to women with the love he had to a statue.

925 s And as the FRENCH we conquer'd once, Now give us Laws for PANTALOONS, &c.