An English Garner: Critical Essays & Literary Fragments Part 24

[In the original broadside, there are Deaths with darts, winged hour-gla.s.ses, crossed marrow-bones, &c.]

[JONATHAN SWIFT.]

_An Elegy on Mr. PATRIGE, the_ Almanack _maker, who died on the 29th of this instant March_, 1708.

[Original broadside in the British Museum, C. 39. k./74.]

Well, 'tis as BICKERSTAFF has guest; Though we all took it for a jest; PATRIGE is dead! nay more, he died Ere he could prove the good Squire lied!

Strange, an Astrologer should die Without one wonder in the sky Not one of all his crony stars To pay their duty at his hea.r.s.e!

No meteor, no eclipse appeared, No comet with a flaming beard!

The sun has rose and gone to bed Just as if PATRIGE were not dead; Nor hid himself behind the moon To make a dreadful night at noon.

He at fit periods walks through _Aries_, Howe'er our earthly motion varies; And twice a year he'll cut th'Equator, As if there had been no such matter.

Some Wits have wondered what a.n.a.logy There is 'twixt[11] Cobbling and Astrology?

How PATRIGE made his optics rise From a shoe-sole, to reach the skies?

A list, the cobblers' temples ties, To keep the hair out of their eyes; From whence, 'tis plain, the diadem That Princes wear, derives from them: And therefore crowns are now-a-days Adorned with golden stars and rays; Which plainly shews the near alliance 'Twixt Cobbling and the Planet science.

Besides, that slow-paced sign _Bo-otes_ As 'tis miscalled; we know not who 'tis?

But PATRIGE ended all disputes; He knew his trade! and called it _Boots_![12]

The Horned Moon which heretofore Upon their shoes, the Romans wore, Whose wideness kept their toes from corns, And whence we claim our Shoeing Horns, Shews how the art of Cobbling bears A near resemblance to the Spheres.

A sc.r.a.p of parchment hung by Geometry, A great refinement in Barometry, Can, like the stars, foretell the weather: And what is parchment else, but leather?

Which an Astrologer might use Either for _Almanacks_ or shoes.

Thus PATRIGE, by his Wit and parts, At once, did practise both these Arts; And as the boding owl (or rather The bat, because her wings are leather) Steals from her private cell by night, And flies about the candle light: So learned PATRIGE could as well Creep in the dark, from leathern cell; And in his fancy, fly as far, To peep upon a twinkling star!

Besides, he could confound the Spheres And set the Planets by the ears, To shew his skill, he, Mars would join To Venus, in _aspect malign_, Then call in Mercury for aid, And cure the wounds that Venus made.

Great scholars have in LUCIAN read When PHILIP, King of Greece was dead, His soul and spirit did divide, And each part took a different side: One rose a Star; the other fell Beneath, and mended shoes in h.e.l.l.

Thus PATRIGE still s.h.i.+nes in each Art, The Cobbling, and Star-gazing Part; And is installed as good a star As any of the CAESARS are.

Thou, high exalted in thy sphere, May'st follow still thy calling there!

To thee, the _Bull_ will lend his hide, By _Phoebus_ newly tanned and dried!

For thee, they _Argo_'s hulk will tax, And sc.r.a.pe her pitchy sides for wax!

Then _Ariadne_ kindly lends Her braided hair, to make thee ends!

The point of Sagittarius' dart Turns to an awl, by heavenly art!

And Vulcan, wheedled by his wife, Will forge for thee, a paring-knife!

Triumphant Star! some pity shew On Cobblers militant below!

[13] But do not shed thy influence down Upon St. James's end o' the Town!

Consider where the moon and stars Have their devoutest wors.h.i.+ppers!

Astrologers and lunatics Have in Moorfields their stations fixt: Hither, thy gentle aspect bend, [14] Nor look asquint on an old friend!

[11] PATRIGE was a cobbler.

[12] See his _Almanack_.

[13] _Sed nec in Arctoo sede tibi legeris...o...b.., &c._

[14] _Neve tuam videas obliquo idere Romam_.

THE EPITAPH.

_Here five foot deep, lies on his back, A Cobbler, Starmonger, and Quack; Who to the stars, in pure good will, Does to his best, look upward still.

Weep all you customers, that use His Pills, his_ Almanacks, _or Shoes!

And you that did your fortunes seek, Step to this grave, but once a week!

This earth which bears his body's print You'll find has so much virtue in it; That I durst p.a.w.n my ears, 'twill tell Whate'er concerns you, full as well (In physic, stolen goods, or love) As he himself could, when above!_

LONDON: Printed in the Year 1708.

Squire BICKERSTAFF detected; OR THE _Astrological Impostor convicted_.

BY JOHN PARTRIDGE,

Student in Physic and Astrology.

[This was written for PARTRIDGE, either by NICHOLAS ROWE or Dr. YALDEN, and put forth by him, in good faith, in proof of his continued existence.]

It is hard, my dear countrymen of these United Nations! it is very hard, that a Britain born, a Protestant Astrologer, a man of Revolution Principles, an a.s.sertor of the Liberty and Property of the people, should cry out in vain, for justice against a Frenchman, a Papist, and an illiterate pretender to Science, that would blast my reputation, most inhumanly bury me alive, and defraud my native country of those services which, in my double capacity [_Physician and Astrologer_], I daily offer the public.

What great provocations I have received, let the impartial reader judge!

and how unwillingly, even in my own defence, I now enter the lists against Falsehood, Ignorance, and Envy! But I am exasperated at length, to drag out this CACUS from the den of obscurity, where he lurketh, to detect him by the light of those stars he hath so impudently traduced, and to shew there is not a Monster in the skies so pernicious and malevolent to mankind as an ignorant pretender to Physic and Astrology.

I shall not directly fall on the many gross errors, nor expose the notorious absurdities of this prost.i.tuted libeller, until I have let the Learned World fairly into the controversy depending; and then leave the unprejudiced to judge of the merits and justice of my cause.

It was towards the conclusion of the year 1707 [_according to the old way of reckoning the year from March 25th. The precise date is February, 1708, see_ p. 469], when an impudent Pamphlet crept into the world, int.i.tuled _Predictions &c. by ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire_. Among the many arrogant a.s.sertions laid down by that lying Spirit of Divination; he was pleased to pitch on the Cardinal DE NOAILLES and myself, among many other eminent and ill.u.s.trious persons that were to die within the confines of the ensuing year, and peremptorily fixed the month, day, and hours of our deaths.

This, I think, is sporting with Great Men, and Public Spirits, to the scandal of Religion, and reproach of Power: and if Sovereign Princes and Astrologers must make diversion for the vulgar, why then, Farewell, say I, to all Governments, Ecclesiastical and Civil! But, I thank my better stars! I am alive to confront this false and audacious Predictor, and to make him rue the hour he ever affronted a Man of Science and Resentment.

The Cardinal may take what measures he pleases, with him: as His Excellency is a foreigner and a Papist, he hath no reason to rely on me for his justification. I shall only a.s.sure the World that he is alive!

but as he was bred to Letters, and is master of a pen, let him use it in his own defence!

In the meantime, I shall present the Public with a faithful Narrative of the ungenerous treatment and hard usage I have received from the virulent Papers and malicious practices of this pretended Astrologer.

A true and impartial ACCOUNT OF THE PROCEEDINGS OF ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq., against Me.

The 29th of March, _Anno Dom_., 1708, being the night this Sham Prophet had so impudently fixed for my last; which made little impression on myself, but I cannot answer for my whole family. For my wife, with a concern more than usual, prevailed on me to take somewhat to sweat for a cold; and between the hours of 8 and 9, to go to bed.