Idyllic Monologues Part 3

XVIII.

"Oh, I have suffered, Gerald, oh, my G.o.d!

What shame, what vileness! Once my soul was clean-- Stained and defiled behold it!--I have trod Sad ways of h.e.l.l and horror. I have seen And lived all depths of l.u.s.t. Yet, oh, my G.o.d!

Blameless I hold myself of what hath been, Though through it all, yea, this thou too must know, I loved him! my betrayer and thy foe!"

XIX.

Sobbing she spoke as if but half awake, Her eyes far-fixed beyond me, far beyond All hope of mine.--So it was for his sake, His love, that she had suffered!... blind and fond, For what return!... And I to nurse a snake, And never dream its nature would respond With some such fang of venom! 'T was for this That I had ventured all, to find her his!

XX.

At first half-stunned I stood; then blood and brain, Like two stern judges, who had slept, awoke, Rose up and thundered, "Slay her!" Every vein And nerve responded, "Slay her at a stroke!"-- And I had done it, but my heart again, Like a strong captain in a tumult, spoke, And the fierce discord fell. And quietly I sheathed my sword and said, "I'll go with thee."

XXI.

But this was my reward for all I'd borne, My loyalty and love! To see her eyes Hollow from tears for him; her pale cheeks worn With grief for him; to know them all for lies, Her vows of faith to me; to come forlorn, Where I had hoped to come on Paradise, On h.e.l.l's black gulf; and, as if not enough, Soiled as she was and outcast, still to love!

XXII.

Then rode one ruffian from the rest, clay-flecked From spur to plume with hurry; seized my rein, And--"What art thou," demanded, "who hast checked Our way, and challenged?"--Then, with some disdain, Isolda, "Sir, my kinsman did expect Your captain here. What honor may remain To me I pledge for him. Hold off thy hands!

He but attends me to the Moated Manse."

XXIII.

We rode in silence. And at twilight came Into the Moated Manse.--Great clouds had grown Up in the West, on which the sunset's flame Lay like the hand of slaughter.--Very lone Its rooms and halls: a splintered door that, lame, Swung on one hinge; a cabinet o'erthrown; Or arras torn; or blood-stain turning wan, Showed us the way the battle once had gone.

XXIV.

We reached the tower-chamber towards the West, In which on that dark day she thought to hide From Rupert when, at last, 't was manifest We could not hold the Manse. There was no pride In her deep eyes now; nor did scorn invest Her with such dignity as once defied Him bursting in to find her standing here Prepared to die like some dog-hunted deer.

XXV.

She took my hand, and, as if naught of love Had ever been between us, said,--"All know The madness of that day when with his glove He struck then slew my brother, and brought woe On all our house; and thou, incensed above The rest, came here, and made my foe thy foe.

But he had left. 'T was then I promised thee My hand, but, ah! my heart was gone from me.

XXVI.

"Yea, he had won me, this same Rupert, when He was our guest.--Thou know'st how gallantry And beauty can make heroes of all men To us weak women!--And so secretly I vowed to be his wife. It happened then My brother found him in some villainy; The insult followed; he was killed ... and thou Dost still remember how I made a vow.

XXVII.

"But still this man pursued me, and I held Firm to my vow, albeit I loved him still, Unknown to all, with all the love unquelled Of first impressions, and against my will.

At last despair of winning me compelled Him to the oath he swore: He would not kill, But take me living and would make my life A living death. No man should make me wife.

XXVIII.

The war, that now consumes us, did, indeed, Give him occasion.--I had not been warned, When down he came against me in the lead Of his marauders. With thy help I scorned His mad attacks two days. I would not plead Nor parley with him, who came hoofed and horned, Like Satan's self in soul, and, with his aid, Took this strong house and kept the oath he made.

XXIX.

"Months pa.s.sed. Alas! it needs not here to tell What often thou hast heard--Of how he led His troopers here now there; nor what befell Me of dishonor. Oft I wished me dead, Loathing my life, than which the nether h.e.l.l Hath less of horror ... So we fought or fled From place to place until a year had pa.s.sed, And Parliament forces hemmed us in at last.

x.x.x.

"Yea, I had only lived for this--to right With death my wrongs sometime. And love and hate Contended in my bosom when, that night Before the fight that should decide our fate, I entered where he slept. There was no light Save of the stars to see by. Long and late I leaned above him there, yet could not kill-- Hate raised the dagger but love held it still.

x.x.xI.

"The woman in me conquered. What a slave To our emotions are we! To relent At this long-waited moment!--Wave on wave Of pitying weakness swept me, and I bent And kissed his face. Then prayed to G.o.d; and gave My trust to G.o.d; and left to G.o.d th' event.-- I never looked on Rupert's face again, For in that morning's combat--he was slain.

x.x.xII.

"Out of defeat escaped some scant three score Of all his followers. And night and day They fled; and while the Roundheads pressed them sore, And in their road, good as a fortress, lay The Moated Manse, where their three score or more Might well hold out, I pointed them the way.

And they are come, amid its wrecks to end The crime begun here.--Thou must go, my friend!

x.x.xIII.

"Go quickly! For the time approaches when Destruction must arrive.--Oh, well I know All thou wouldst say to me.--What boots it then?-- I tell thee thou must go, that thou must go!-- Yea, dost thou think I'd have thee die 'mid men Like these, for such an one as I!--No! no!-- Thy life is clean. Thou shalt not cast away Thy clean life for my soiled one. Go, I pray!"

x.x.xIV.

She ceased. I spoke--I know not what it was.

Then took her hand and kissed it and so said-- "Thou art my promised wife. Thou hast no cause That is not mine. I love thee. We will wed.

I love thee. Come!"--A moment did she pause, Then shook her head and sighed, "My heart is dead.

This can not be. Behold, that way is thine.

I will not let thee share this way that's mine."

x.x.xV.

Then turning from me ere I could prevent Pa.s.sed like a shadow from the shadowy room, Leaving my soul in shadow ... Naught was meant By my sweet flower of love then! bloom by bloom I'd watched it wither; then its fragrance went, And naught was left now.--It was dark as doom, And bells were tolling far off through the rain, When from that house I turned my face again.