The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter Part 3

"Heaven having given the editors great success in their arduous business of restoring me to favor, I was received at once into the embraces of fas.h.i.+onable society. Brown, who digs graves for departed sinners, and provides the parties of our aristocracy with distinguished people, called to inquire what evenings I was 'disengaged,' seeing that he had several openings on his list, which was unusually select 'this week.' He secured invitations to nothing but the most refined and wealthy society-that which gave receptions merely for the sake of doing honor to persons so distinguished.

Genin sent circulars to say that hats of the latest pattern could be got cheaper and better of him than any one else. Tiffany & Company, in a delicately enveloped card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter's sake, no doubt,) that their stock of jewelry was of the finest description. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and other appurtenances necessary to a military gentleman could be got of them, much superior in quality, and cheaper in price, than at any other establishment in Broadway, or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, I was told, had just opened an invoice of India shawls, which he had ticketed at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto was quick sales and small profits, he was running them off at two hundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Major Potter better call early or they would all be gone. Had Mrs. Major Potter been the sharer of my adventure, and exhibited so wanton a determination to rush her husband into bankruptcy, as it appeared was the fas.h.i.+on with the ladies of New York, then Mr. Major Potter had gone one way and Mrs. Major Potter another."

Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, and bid old Battle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his appet.i.te caused him to make sundry contemplations about the dinner he would get at the house of Mrs. Trotbridge.

"Well, seeing that I was up and popular," said the major, resuming his story, "Townsend piled my room with circulars, saying his sarsaparilla was the only kind used by politicians and military men, who invariably p.r.o.nounced it the cure for those diseases which, it is charged by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident to their professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, which he said were unequaled for purging politicians of all those ill humors they were heirs to. And both (moved by Brown, no doubt) sent me invitations to parties given in honor of me at their princely mansions on the Fifth Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me a remarkable curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house, which the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Whalebone & Gossamer sent to say that their a.s.sortment of baby clothes was of the choicest description, and that they would be much pleased if Mrs. Major Potter would call and examine for herself.

"As I was always considered a good looking man," (the major, though as ugly a man as could well be found, was extremely vain of his looks,) "no end of sly looks were turned upon me at parties by marriageable damsels, who mistook me for a single man on the look out. As to young widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in their eyes as pearls. Whether they were for me or their deceased husbands, I am not bound to say, self praise being no recommendation. It often occurred to me, however, that marrying a widow would be an act of charity heaven could not fail to record to the credit of any good natured bachelor.

"And this, too, I will say, that nothing could have been more elegantly conducted than the parties to which I was invited. Indeed, I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality after the manner of those malicious writers, who take pleasure in sneering at the quality of entertainment given by our aristocracy, merely because it is composed of men who have got rich by the very republican business of sailing s.h.i.+ps and selling eatables. Now I by no means underrate the man of letters who truly represents genius, or learning; but that every dabbler in small satire should dub himself a man of letters, and therefore set up for an idol before whom better men must bow, or have their social affairs battered to pieces, is something I cannot condescend to admit. By all means, if the little fellows will have a court, let them have one of their own, and to their liking; for they will quarrel over those ills they seem born to; and if they can quarrel without interfering with the rights of others, the peace of the earth may be preserved. In fine, I would have them cram themselves into everything great and good, and ask only that they be careful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our republic is expanding itself. But enough of this.

"Having pa.s.sed through fetes of unequaled splendor the politicians began to put questions to me, which, in many instances, it was not convenient for me to answer, inasmuch as by a single word I might commit myself to principles my party would not sanction. They, however, took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey to Was.h.i.+ngton that I began to feel that I had got among friends of the wrong kind." We were now entering a short curve in the road, between two hills covered with chestnut trees, beneath which several lean sheep were grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by the shrill sound of a fishmonger's horn.

CHAPTER VIII.

WHAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE FISHMONGER.

A SOFT glow enhanced the beauty of the foliage on the hill side, tottering stone walls lined each side of the road, and the crowing of c.o.c.ks, and the lowing of cattle, together with a pastoral view obtained through the scraggy trees, betokened our near approach to a farm house. "Let us forget politics and go in for a bit of trade with this fishmonger!" said the major, as he jerked the reins, that old Battle might take heed, and quicken his pace. Another blast from the fishmonger's horn, and his wagon appeared in the road, approaching at a rapid pace. The fishmonger, doubtless, thought there was no trade to be had of a tin peddler, whose wares had nothing in common with his own, and was about to drive by at a brisk pace, when the major reined up old Battle, and half hidden in a cloud of dust, cried out, in a thin, squeaking voice, "Ho! stranger, what like for fish have you?"

"Cod, haddock and ba.s.s," replied the fishmonger, who seemed as lean and well starved as his horse, which was of a light sorrel color, and presented so pitiable a pack of bones that no real philanthropist could have looked upon him without shedding many tears. The two tradesmen now got down from their respective wagons, and approaching each other with hands extended, presented a corporeal contrast one seldom sees in the rural districts of New England, inasmuch as the fishmonger stood six feet in his grain-leather boots, and was so lean of person that one might easily have imagined him fed on half-tanned leather and Connecticut nutmegs, while the major stood just five feet two in his stockings, measured exactly twenty-seven inches across the broad disc of his trousers, and had a belly equal to that of three turtle-fed aldermen rolled into one. The major too, had a head very like a Wethersfield squash stunted in the growth, with a broad, florid face, and a s.p.a.cious mouth, and two small eyes he could see at right angles with. The fishmonger, on the other hand, was hatchet faced, had a dilating jaw, and a vacant look out of his eyes, which were well nigh obscured by the battered hat slouched down over his parchment colored forehead.

They began at once to raise their wares, to shake each other cordially by the hand, and to exchange salutations of mutual confidence. Old Battle, who had a deep fellow feeling for his master, must needs imitate the affection he displayed for the fishmonger, and to that end began to make free with his horse, which, after sundry friendly bites of the mane, and otherwise exhibiting himself in a manner very much unbecoming a horse of such good morals, reared and had done serious damage with the bones of the other, but for the interposition of his master, who separated them with the stock of his big whip. Peace being restored, the animals were removed to a respectful distance, and I was introduced to the fishmonger as the greatest young politician ever known in that part of the country. The major, it must here be recorded, otherwise this history would be imperfect, was scrupulous not to admit that a young politician, however brilliant his capacity, could be equal to an old one. In this he differed but little from many other great military politicians of my acquaintance.

As the major seemed not to have a care for any other political campaign than that which elected General Harrison, it was a custom with him to inquire of every new acquaintance how he voted in that event, before engaging in a trade with him. Having put the question as a preliminary, the fishmonger replied that he had voted as good and square a "c.o.o.n ticket" as any citizen in the town where he lived, but that he received two pieces of gold for so doing, and thought it no harm.

"It is how a man votes," said the major, adding a nod of satisfaction, "not what he gets for his vote. That's his business, and except heaven, no one has a right to interfere. Here, take these, know how much I esteem you, and remember when you drink your cider out of them that I am your friend." Here the major took two tin pints from his wagon, and having patted the fishmonger upon the shoulder, presented them to him, with a speech very like that made by a Mayor of New York, who, having dined with his board of aldermen, holds it inc.u.mbent upon him to bestow praises the cunning rascals know are meant for a jest. This done, the major drew forth his flask, saying that it would be no more than good manners to christen the pints. The fishmonger answered that he had no objection, the weather being very oppressive. A stout draft was now poured into each cup, and having myself declined, compliments and bows, such as the fishmonger had never before received, were exchanged, and the whiskey drank with great apparent satisfaction.

"As the sun is warm, and my profits to day have not amounted to much," said the fishmonger, with an air of stupidity that by no means pleased the major, "I must hurry these ere fish through!" The major expected a different return for his generosity, and reminded his friend that he had not yet showed him a sample of his wares. At the word, the other mounted his little box of a wagon, and in a trice laid three cod and two flabby haddock upon the lid, declaring they were as fresh and bright as a new-coined quarter. And though at the most rapid pace his horse could travel, he was more than six hours from the nearest sea-sh.o.r.e, he was ready to swear by the hair of his head, of which he had but little, they were only two hours caught. "Five cents a pound for the cod, and four for the haddock!"

e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the fishmonger, raising a haddock by the gills, as if to a.s.sert some near point to the notch it would bring down on the steelyard. "Well, to you, here, have the cod for four and a half; that's offsettin' your good turn, and I make it a point never to be out of the way with a fellow trader." Saying this, he hung a codfish to the hook of his steelyards, and finding seven pounds marked, said thirty cents would cover the cost, that being a cent and a half more off. Generosity, the Major saw, was not bait that tempted the fishmonger to reciprocity. "I should like two of them at the price you name; but as paying cash is not in my line, perhaps we can trade, somehow? By my military reputation, I never let a chance to trade slip. Yes, by my b.u.t.tons, I made a good thing of it when at the head of my regiment in Mexico." This the major said by way of softening the fishmonger's generosity; but that honest-minded individual replied in the following laconic manner: "Bin in Mexaki, eh? Darn'd if I'd like to bin there."

The major, not at all pleased with the unimpressable nature of the fishmonger, said, somewhat curtly, that no one cared whether he would or not. "However, here's at you for a trade," continued the major, adding that generosity was the surest road to fortune. And having bid him hang another cod to his steelyards, he drew from his stock a small tin strainer, with which he offered to make a square exchange for the fish. "Say the word, and it is done!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the major, patting the other upon the shoulder. The fishmonger shook his head, and looked askant at the major, as if to say he would rather be excused. The major now, out of sheer generosity, as he said, and anxious, no doubt, to sustain the character of military men, threw in a pint of number four shoe pegs, which article was among his wares, and which he was ready to swear by his military honor the people of Connecticut raised Shanghai chickens on. The fishmonger said he did not know exactly what to do with the shoe pegs; but as a New Englander was never at a loss to find a use for every thing, and not wanting to be hard with a fellow trader, he would call it a bargain. They now mounted their respective teams, and drove on in opposite directions.

A little red house, half buried under a hill side, interspersed with scrubby trees and blackberry vines, now appeared in sight. This the major described as the house of his dear good friend, Mrs.

Trotbridge, the widow of three husbands, and yet so young in feeling that she was in daily expectation of getting a fourth. He never failed to make her a present, and partake of her good cheer while pa.s.sing that way. The fish would be a great treat with the widow; and though the strainer and shoe-pegs, for which they were exchanged, did not "stand him in" more than a s.h.i.+lling, the fish would rise up in her eyes to the worth of a jolly good dinner.

Old Battle, recognizing the house as one he was accustomed to rest and feed at, quickened his pace, and disturbing the repose of pigs, chickens, and young ducks, nestling by the roadside, soon reached the garden gate. Dismounting in great haste, the major bid me follow him, and, leaving old Battle to take care of himself for the nonce, hastened up the pathway toward the front door, for the house was separated from the road by a narrow garden, enclosed with pickets, and full of stunted shrubbery. The inmates of the house were soon astir, and the major's name was, one might have thought, called from every window. Then the bas.e.m.e.nt door suddenly opened, and two little, mischievous looking Trotbridges, scampered out to meet him, and so clung about his short legs, and otherwise offered him proof of the affection they bore him, as almost to impede his progress.

Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, appeared in the door, three or four flaxen headed little members of the Trotbridge family clinging at her skirts, and shaking their chubby fingers in ecstasy. Mrs.

Trotbridge stood at least an head taller than the major, and was in figure so lean as to give one the idea that she had been pressed between two opposite points of theology. Her face was worn and wrinkled; her eyes small, gray, and staring, and fortified with a pair of silver-bowed spectacles, which were incessantly getting down upon her long, flat nose. Her complexion, too, was the color of alum tanned sheep skin. The major's arrival was evidently a great event with the Trotbridge family, for while the two elder boys, one about eight and the other nine years old, ran to see which should be first to take care of his horse, Mrs. Trotbridge, saying, "Well, as I'm living, if here ain't the major again," hastened down the pathway, one hand under her check ap.r.o.n and the other extended. There now took place such a series of embracings, accompanied with kisses, as one seldom sees in lovers over sixteen.

The major followed speedily into the house, while the two boys unharnessed, fussed over, and took care of his horse, which one mounted and the other led by an halter to a little dilapidated barn, such as are common to that part of the country. I was next introduced, with some ceremony, to Mrs. Trotbridge, as the politician who had gone over the country effecting such wonderful political changes. After divers courtesies, the good woman put so many questions to me concerning my past history and future hopes, that I found it somewhat difficult to answer them. Mrs. Trotbridge had no very deep love for politicians in general, the doctor of the parish having told her that they did serious damage to brandy punches. Had I felt inclined, I verily believe she would have held me in conversation until midnight, such was her nimbleness of tongue.

The walls of the room, which was about twenty feet by twelve in dimensions, were hung with small, colored pictures, in mahogany frames; an high shoe bench in one corner, a few flag bottom chairs, a table and two small workstands, and four pair of shoemaker's clamps, arranged at the windows, const.i.tuted the simple but substantial furniture. But there was over all an air of neatness about it truly charming. There was a place for everything, and everything was in its place. "Must make yerselves at home here,"

said Mrs. Trotbridge. "Things, maybe, ain't as nice as yer used to havin' 'em, but poor folks must do the best they can, and hope better 'll come."

And while the good woman set about lighting a fire in the great open fireplace, Major Potter got between two chairs, into each of which an urchin mounted, with a broom in his hand, and so belabored his jacket as to fill the room with dust. "The major is always at home in this house," dryly e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the good woman, taking down her bellows and commencing to blow the fire.

"I know how to appreciate it, Mrs. Trotbridge, and hope nothing may come to lengthen the distance between our friends.h.i.+p," returned the major, shrugging his great broad shoulders, and adding that I could now go through the process of dusting while he washed his face, preparatory to listening to how times went with Mrs. Trotbridge. He had previously ordered the boys to water his chickens, and now, having at his desire brought in the fish, he presented them to the hostess with all that pomp and dignity so common with government employs, who present the heads of departments with services of plate bought with their own money, and which intolerable nuisance had its origin among the kings and queens of the buskin. They were, he slyly intimated, worth seven Ma.s.sachusetts s.h.i.+llings. The shrewd fishmonger wanted nine, but, saying I was going to present them to a dear old friend, he threw off two. No New York alderman ever received a gold snuff box for abusing his office with more condescension than did Mrs. Trotbridge the fish so kindly presented by the major. Saying he was proverbially a modest man, the major begged she would forego any return of thanks and accept them solely as a token of the affection he bore her, and which he certainly would enlarge were it not that Mrs. Roger Potter yet lived, and was hale and hearty. The widow blushed for once, saying as she did so, that there was a time when such a compliment would not have been lost upon her, but now that she had got on the wrong side of forty, was getting gray, and had seen three dear good husbands put away in the grave, she did not think it right to be "lookin' out,"

especially as Parson Stebbins had always said, when he looked in, that woman's worldly thoughts ought to end at forty.

My suspicions of the major's probity were now almost confirmed, for when she offered to vouchsafe him her generosity, by frying a piece of the fish for dinner, he expressed a positive preference for bacon, a good flitch of which he saw in a little cupboard she opened in search of her stew pan. And although he expressed it a stain upon his gallantry to deprive her of even an ounce, I thought the quality and not his gallantry stood in the way. "Lord bless you, Mrs. Trotbridge," said the major, "men distinguished in arms never make presents to eat of them."

The good hostess replied, by saying, she might have known, but it was seldom persons so distinguished came that way; and when they did, she entertained them just for the honor of it. Peace, she said, reigned in her little house, and she was more happy with the thought of eating the bread of honesty, so remotely, than she would be with a palace in the olive groves of Cordova the man who lectured told about, seeing that they who live in palaces must depend upon others for bread, while she could raise her own.

CHAPTER IX.

HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER GOT HIS DINNER, MADE AN EXCHANGE OF CHICKENS, AND TOOK LEAVE OF MRS. TROTBRIDGE.

HAD Major Roger Potter been as well qualified to take advantage of a political necessity, as the cunning quality of his gallantry in this instance fully testified, he was to get the better in a matter of trade, he had never fallen from so high an estate as that of defending the nation's honor to that of selling tin ware and shoe pegs.

The major, saying he had an inert sympathy for the humble, and that nothing had so much pleased him as to do Mrs. Trotbridge service, now commenced to set her table, which he did with the familiarity of a good housewife, while the anxious woman bestirred herself in preparing dinner, expressing her doubts as she did so, that her efforts would not meet our expectations. Suddenly remembering that I was so great a politician, the good woman, having made sundry inquiries concerning my wants, bethought herself that I would like a book to while away the time; so, leaving her stew pan in charge of the Major, who, having set the table with great exactness, was seated upon a small stool at the fireside, beating the doughnut batter in a bowl on his lap, she proceeded to a small book-rack over a window, and brought me a copy of Elder Boomer's last sermons, the reading of which she was fully a.s.sured in her own mind would interest me.

The major interposed (wiping his portentous belly, which had become disfigured with batter,) by saying that seeing the book advertised by the publishers (who were men of truth in all matters concerning their trade) as the greatest of recently published works, he got a copy for Mrs. Potter, who declared it a wonderful book, and had lent it to all the neighbors, who had read it until nothing would do but they must get up a religious revival. Indeed, if things kept on as they were going, there would soon not be a sinner left in the region round about Barnstable, such a change had the book worked in the pious feelings of the good people. I seated myself beside a window that overlooked the little garden, and turned over the leaves of the book, affecting to be deeply interested in it, but really listening to an interesting colloquy that was being kept up between the good woman and the major, at whose side several little flaxen headed urchins had crouched down, and with an air of paternal regard, watched intently in his face as he compounded the batter with so much force and energy, that at least one half it was lost in spatters over their features. And while doing this, so eager was the major to ascertain the exact state of Mrs. Trotbridge's affairs, that the increase of her pigs and poultry formed a prominent feature in his inquiries. She had let her little farm of thirty acres out on shares to neighbor Zack Sloc.u.m, who was esteemed the best crop-getter this side of the crossroads. The peach trees, of which she had seven ranged along the little picket fence round the garden, gave no very strong evidence of doing much, while the cherry tree over the well was touched with blight; but for all that she felt that providence would in some way enable her to sc.r.a.pe up fruit enough to get over the winter. What was deficient in one part of the country was made up by the plenty of another. She had recently, however, felt a great drawback in the bad times consequent upon the policy of the present administration. At last she had been told it was the folks in power at Was.h.i.+ngton who had made times so hard, that the wealthy manufacturer for whom she "binded" the shoes her boys st.i.tched, could only give two cents a pair, where formerly he gave two and a half. But the cunning fellow, who was the sharpest kind of a straight Whig, said if they got their side in at the next election, he would come back to old prices, with cash instead of store pay. Mrs. Trotbridge hoped it might be so, for the half cent was a serious loss to a family so humble. But she was at a loss to account how it was that if times were so hard, the manufacturer, who could not afford to pay old prices, wanted a greater number of shoes bound, and would hurry her life out to have them done in less time than it were possible to do them.

The good woman, considering herself honored by such military and political greatness, spread her table with fried bacon and new laid eggs, and the cold pork and beans left over from yesterday, a few shavings of dried beef, currant jelly of the most tempting kind, doughnuts, hot and fresh out of the bacon fat, and bread made of wheat raised on the two acre patch across the road, and to which she added a cup of tea so delicate in flavor that it would have made a Dutch grandmother return thanks to the East India Company. In truth there was a snowy whiteness in the table linen, and a nicety and freshness of flavor in the viands one only finds at a country house in New England, and which those accustomed to the "hudgey smudgey"

cooking at the great hotels of cities cannot appreciate.

The good woman regretted that she could not add a mug of cider, for since the temperance folks had shut up the tavern kept by General Aldrich, at the village, travelers with a taste for that article had to thirst and keep on to Barnstable. "May heaven vouchsafe you plenty of such good fare," said the major, taking his seat at the head of the table, as we drew up and engaged the bacon and eggs with appet.i.tes that were sharpened to the keenest edge. And so fiercely did the major gorge himself, showing no respect for the last piece upon any plate, that the little urchins, who had occupied seats at the table, began to gaze upon him with wonder and astonishment, and to slink away, one after another, to relieve their pent up mirth.

Indeed, so formidable was the onset he made upon the bacon and eggs, that I found it necessary to withdraw after the first fire, lest the good hostess be compelled to call her frying pan into use a second time. Having finished the humble but grateful meal, we proceeded, at the desire of the major, to examine the pig and poultry yard. Her two cows, she said, twitching her head in satisfaction, had had fine thriving calves, and the old sow had a nice increase of fifteen little spotted rascals, as round and plump as foot-b.a.l.l.s. As for poultry, the only kind that had not done well was her turkeys. And of this there was visible testimony in four dyspeptic young ones that walked sleepily around two old ones, kept up a very ill-natured whimpering, and in addition to being featherless were quite as much bedowned as the face of a freshman. The major, who had a remedy for everything, set at once to prescribing for their distempers, which he swore by his military reputation they could be purged of by taking h.o.m.opathic pills dissolved in the smallest quant.i.ty of Wistar's Balsam of Wild Cherry. He had not the slightest doubt but that by following up this course of medicine a sufficient length of time, the ill-feathered patients would be restored to a happy state of health, and become popular fowls at the poultry show. The medicine was as harmless as need be, though extremely expensive.

There was a satisfaction, however, in knowing that their valuable lives could in no way be endangered by an over dose.

Expressing his entire satisfaction with the appearance of Mrs.

Trotbridge's poultry, the major fastened his keen eyes upon six fine black feet pullets, the possession of which he at once began to covet. And to that end did he proceed to discourse on the value of Shanghais, inviting Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, to take a peep at the rare lot of that breed of chickens he had in the coop.

The good woman followed him to his wagon, where he dismounted his coop, and revealed as scurvy a lot of chickens as eye ever rested upon, all of which he swore by his military reputation, would come to rare Shanghais, and get big enough to eat off barrel-heads in less than two months. Indeed, such was the wonderful account given of these fowls by our hero, that the simple-minded woman would have pledged her farm for no more than a pair. "La's me! do tell. Eat off barrel heads in two months! Mean flour barrels, I 'spose?"

e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the good woman, drawlingly, as her urchins gathered round, peering eagerly in through the slats of the coop.

"Just so," returned the major; "know a chicken of this breed that grew so tall, that he would follow wagons going to mill, and feed out of the hind end." In reply to an inquiry as to how she could become the owner of a pair, money being a scarce article with her just now, the major said he would, in view of his anxiety to do her service, let her pick two, for which he would take in exchange the six black feet pullets. For this profession of his generosity, the good woman returned a thousand thanks; and the black feet were forthwith transferred to the major's coop, while she took possession of what she esteemed a rare prize.

Finding there was no more to be made of his generous hostess, the boys harnessed old Battle, and taking leave of her with divers expressions of friends.h.i.+p and regret, we mounted and proceeded on our journey, four urchins clinging to the tail of the wagon, cheering at the top of their voices until we had lost sight of the house.