Stephen Archer, and Other Tales Part 29

_Jack_. I believe I shall spend it in St. Martin's Lane.

_Jim_. A ha'p'orth on it's mine, you know, Jack.

_Jack_. Well, you do put the stunners on me!

_Jim_. She said we wos to divide it--she did.

_Jack_. 'Taint possible. It beats my ivories. (_He pretends to bite it_. JIM _flies at him in a rage_.)

_Re-enter_ BILL, _with his mouth full_.

_Bill_. Now what are you two a squabblin' over? Oh! Jack's got a yennep, and Jim's iookin' s.h.i.+rty.

_Jim_. She told him to divide it, and he won't.

_Bill_. Who told him?

_Jim_. Mattie.

_Bill_. You dare, Jack? Hand over.

_Jack_. Be hanged if I do.

_Bill_. Then do and be hanged. (_A struggle_.) There, Jim! Now you go and buy what you like.

_Jim_. Am I to give Jack the half?

_Bill_. Yes, if our Mattie said it.

_Jim_. All right, Bill. (_Goes into the shop_.)

_Jack_. I owe you one for that, Bill.

_Bill_. Owe it me then, Jack. I do like fair play--always did (_eating_).

_Jack_. You ain't a sharin' of _your_ yennep, Bill.

_Bill_. Mattie didn't say I was to. She knowed one wouldn't break up into three nohow. 'Tain't in natur', Jack.

_Jack_. You might ha' guv me a bite, anyhow, Bill.

_Bill_. It ain't desirable, Jack--size o' trap dooly considered. Here comes your share.

_Re-enter_ JIM. _Gives a bun to_ JACK.

_Jim_. I tell you what, Bill--she ain't _your_ Mattie. She ain't n.o.body's Mattie; she's a hangel.

_Bill_. No, Jim, she ain't a hangel; she 'ain't got no wings, leastways outside her clo'es, and she 'ain't got clo'es enough to hide 'em. I wish I wos a hangel!

_Jack_. At it again, Bill! I _do_ like to hear Bill a wis.h.i.+n' of hisself! Why, Bill?

_Bill_. Acause they're never 'ungry.

_Jack_. How do you know they ain't?

_Bill_. You never sees 'em loafin' about nowheres.

_Jim_. Is Mattie your sister, Bill?

_Bill_. No, Jim; I ain't good 'nough to have a sister like she.

_Jack_. Your sweetheart, Bill? Ha! ha! ha!

_Bill_. Dry up, Jack.

_Jim_. Tell me about her, Bill. _I_ didn't jaw you.

_Bill_. She lives in our court, Jim. Makes s.h.i.+rts and things.

_Jack_. Oh! ho!

BILL _hits_ JACK. JACK _doubles himself up_.

_Bill_. Jim, our Mattie ain't like other gals; I never see her out afore this blessed day--upon my word and honour, Jim, never!

_Jack_. (_wiping his nose with his sleeve_). You don't know a joke from a jemmy, Bill.

_Bill_. I'll joke you!--A hangel tips you a tart, and you plucks her feathers! Get on t'other side of the way, you little dirty devil, or I'll give you another smeller--cheap too. Off with you!

_Jack_. No, Bill; no, please. I'm wery sorry. I ain't so bad's all that comes to.

_Bill_. If you wants to go with Jim and me, then behave like a gen'leman.

_Jim_. I calls our Mattie a brick!

_Bill_. None o' _your_ jaw, Jim! She ain't _your_ Mattie.

Enter THOMAS.

_Tho._ Childer, dun yo know th' way to Paradise--Row, or Road, or summat?

_Bill_. Dunnow, sir. You axes at the Sunday-school.

_Tho._ Wheer's th' Sunday-school, chylt?

_Bill_. Second door round the corner, sir.

_Tho._ Second dur reawnd th' corner! Which corner, my man?