Hazure Skill ‘Mapping’ wo Te ni Shita Ore wa, Saikyou Party to Tomo ni Dungeon ni Idomu Chapter 40

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The Start of Emotional Outbreak

Translator : Masakibluei

Erin is worn out and her tears keep falling from her eyes . It is surprising to see her like this . The sight of her breaking down in tears does not suit a beautiful girl like her . It gives me a lot of shock impacts .  

My outstretched hand is hanging on the air and I do not dare to move .

Erin: “I can’t go on anymore…I don’t want to fight……Let’s just quit altogether…”

I can’t stand seeing Erin squeaking out her desperation, so I immediately retort her words .

Note: “To giving up like that…Will it makes us come back alive?”

I try to keep my composure . I rea.s.sure myself that Erin’s melting down phases are an extension of being thrown suddenly into this level . No, I think, this is what I really want to believe . But . . .

Erin: “I understand……That’s why I said………Let’s just give up…Let’s just cast away our hope to go back alive and avoid any more hards.h.i.+p!”

No, I was wrong . Her breakdown phase is not a matter of occasional outbursts anymore . In reality, this is already her limit . For her, she is done with life on the 20th floor .   

Erin: “All these struggles are useless! It’s tough! No matter how many times we barely survive and kill those monsters, in the end, we will still die! We cannot go back alive!”

Once she cuts the sh.e.l.l of her inner heart and said those words, her emotions keep flowing out .

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Erin: “It’s tough . It’s too painful . I just want to make it easier . Don’t you think the same? Let’s give up altogether . ”

Note: “Erin……”

--------Those thoughts have never come into my mind .
 

In front of her meltdown and crying face, I cannot bring myself to say those cruel words to her .

Erin: “Please, I beg you……It’s my one lifetime wish…I’ll do anything…Let’s give up……”

Instead of agreeing with her wish, my reply is the complete opposite .

Note: “Calm down, Erin . Just calm down for a moment . ”

Naturally, she does not accept my persuasion . When I extend my hand to calm her down, she flicks her shoulder to reject my hand .
 

Erin: “What is calm down! It’s obvious that I cannot keep my calm in this kind of situation! You are the weird one for being calm all the time!”

Erin grabs the collar of my neck and aggressively push me to pin me down .

Erin: “Personally from the beginning, I always think that you are weird, Note . Always . Thus, I’m truly convinced now . I’m not wrong . You are abnormal . ”

Note: “I’m abnormal…?”

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Erin: “Yes, you are abnormal .   Although you are in a near death situation like this, you still keep calm about it . Even though I’m going crazy after just spending a couple days in this kind of place, you are not . You are absolutely abnormal . ”

No . That's not true . I’m not calm at all . I feel impatient about living on this 20th floor . My irritation also keeps growing day by day . I’m merely killing my emotions in order to survive . I try to open my mouth to make an excuse but I stop because Erin keeps on speaking .  

Erin: “I never understood Note from a long time ago . Why are you mentally strong? Were you able to achieve your goal? How can you insist to hang on? I don’t understand . ”

I was right to keep silent . Her purpose now is to attack me for killing my emotions .  

Tears are dropping from her cheek and falling onto the hem of her robe which has become dirty due to living in this dungeon . while she is crying, she still keeps speaking .  
 

Erin: “The first time I started to get afraid of you is after I preached you about your kidnapping incident . ”

This happened about 8 months ago, but I clearly remember the incident . It’s the incident when she accused me of being lazy . For me, it was a bitter memory .
(Ref: Chapter 10)

Erin: “At that time, I thought Note would leave the party . No, I thought it was good to make you leave, that’s why I was purposely being harsh on you . But you did not quit . On the contrary, without caring for being hated by me, you started to practice arts wholeheartedly by yourself . ” 

It was true that I did not care if Erin came to hate me at that time . I was focused on practicing my arts . Without caring about how others feel about my att.i.tude, I intensely practicing the arts while at the same time, unsightly flaunted the results of my training .

Erin: “I really cannot understand the reason behind your actions . Don’t you afraid of being hated by other people? Don’t you afraid of loneliness?”

She directs her weeping face to me . Her gesture is looked like a confession and a plea . Every time she squeezes out a word, she seems to strip out something important from her heart .

Erin: “The same thing happened when we went with everyone to the beach . Now as well . For your goal, you distance yourself from feeling anything . You are totally weird . Honestly, I cannot do that . Isn’t it tough? Isn’t it painful? Have you ever thought of giving up? How can you act like that?”

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(Ref: Chapter 21)

Erin, you are wrong .

I’m not like what you think of . I’ve always been a weak person .

I’m unable to 100% kill my emotions like what you imagine .  

The only thing that you are wrong is………

Note: “It’s because I made a mistake a long time ago . Erin, you know about it right? Because of my lack of effort and my weak heart, I betrayed my loved one . It’s that very one mistake that made me lost my most important thing . ”

I am reminded of my separation with my childhood friend, Miya . That event changed me completely . It shaped me into who I am now . Miya made me aware that I was a hopeless person . That I was a truly pathetic person . I was irresponsible and too lazy to make any effort . I did nothing and blamed it on my useless mapping skill .

If I rebuked Erin at that time to defend my own uselessness, then I will keep continuing to make excuses for a lifetime . I would never able to achieve anything in my life and keep continue to hurt other people . In the end, I will continue to walk on the path to be the worst person ever .

Now, if I think about it, since a long time ago, I had always been in the receiving end . I received a lot from Miya, but I never gave anything back to her . This is a painful sad fact and I don’t want to taste this kind of regret anymore .

Just as Miya did to me, I had received a lot of favors from the Arrivers . Therefore, I want to repay the favors that I got from the group . This thought stays in my mind up until now .

Note: “Isn’t it tough? Isn’t it painful? Of course, it is tough! It’s absolutely painful too! But I had experience things tougher and more painful than this, that’s why I never thought about quitting . I don’t want to think about such thing . Ever again . “

Erin: “Yeah…You have been through something more frustrating after all . Even with this kind of situation, you are still able to proceed forward . ”

Note: “Yeah . ”

I respond her with enough confidence and honesty . I thought by doing so, my genuine feeling would be transmitted to Erin who is currently in despair . I thought she would understand the reason behind my action . But this was only a sweet delusion of mine .

Erin: “……As I thought . You are absolutely abnormal . A normal person will not able to keep moving forward just because he is frustrated . You can’t just keep running ahead like that!”

I felt betrayed by the sneers that came out from Erin’s lips . Even though I faced her with everything I had . I also confessed about everything . Why won’t she understand my reasons? My anger raises and my tone starts to get harsh .
 

Note: “Erin, what the heck that you want to say! What do you mean about ‘a normal person’! What is normal or abnormal! At least I’m doing my best because I’m frustrated! What’s abnormal about that! Erin, you are always blessed with a lot of things . You won’t understand how a hopeless person feel!”

Erin: “You said I’m always blessed?”

This is the coldest voice I ever heard from her . I really can’t believe the sharpness that I sense is actually coming from her mouth . I have a hunch that I must have made a mistake . I said something that I cannot take it back .

Erin: “I do have setbacks . Lots of them . It might be more painful than yours, Note . You think that you are the most miserable person in the world, right? “

Erin’s remark really hits the target . Hence, I cannot refute her . I cannot refute with certainty that I never think I was the most miserable person in the world . But if there are only 100 people in the whole world, I might think that I would rank as the 96 or 97 . It is a fact that I do think that I am one of the most miserable people in the world .  

Erin: “I understand your idea . We are actually the same type . However, I want you to understand one thing . For example, even if a person does not have trash skills just like you, he can also experience some failure . There are people who are blessed with good skills but still experience some setbacks . “

Note: “Then…”

Erin: “There are also people who cannot move forward when they are frustrated . Not everyone is the same as you . Look, I’m one of them . While I am blessed with Magical power skill, I never work hard at anything, live with ease, always choosing the easy way, and always running away from problems . I am that kind of hopeless person . ”

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