The Diary of an Ennuyee Part 1

The Diary of an Ennuyee.

by Anna Brownell Jameson.

_Calais, June 21._--What young lady, travelling for the first time on the Continent, does not write a "Diary?" No sooner have we slept on the sh.o.r.es of France--no sooner are we seated in the gay salon at Dessin's, than we call, like Biddy Fudge, for "French pens and French ink," and forth steps from its case the morocco-bound diary, regularly ruled and paged, with its patent Bramah lock and key, wherein we are to record and preserve all the striking, profound, and original observations--the cla.s.sical reminiscences--the thread-bare raptures--the poetical effusions--in short, all the never-sufficiently-to-be-exhausted topics of sentiment and enthusiasm, which must necessarily suggest themselves while posting from Paris to Naples.

Verbiage, emptiness, and affectation!

Yes--but what must I do, then, with my volume in green morocco?

Very true, I did not think of that.

We have all read the DIARY OF AN INVALID, the best of all diaries since old Evelyn's.--

Well, then,--Here beginneth the DIARY OF A BLUE DEVIL.

What inconsistent beings are we!--How strange that in such a moment as this, I can jest in mockery of myself! but I will write on. Some keep a diary, because it is the fas.h.i.+on--a reason why _I_ should not; some because it is _blue_, but I am not _blue_, only a _blue devil_; some for their amus.e.m.e.nt,--_amus.e.m.e.nt_!! alas! alas! and some that they may remember,--and I that I may forget, O! would it were possible.

When, to-day, for the first time in my life, I saw the sh.o.r.es of England fade away in the distance--did the conviction that I should never behold them more, bring with it one additional pang of regret, or one consoling thought? neither the one nor the other. I leave behind me the scenes, the objects, so long a.s.sociated with pain; but from pain itself I cannot fly: it has become a part of myself. I know not yet whether I ought to rejoice and be thankful for this opportunity of travelling, while my mind is thus torn and upset; or rather regret that I must visit scenes of interest, of splendour, of novelty--scenes over which, years ago, I used to ponder with many a sigh, and many a vain longing, now that I am lost to all the pleasure they could once have excited: for what is all the world to me now?--But I will not weakly yield: though time and I have not been long acquainted, do I not know what miracles he, "the all-powerful healer," can perform? Who knows but this dark cloud may pa.s.s away?

Continual motion, continual activity, continual novelty, the absolute necessity for self-command, may do something for me. I cannot quite forget; but if I can cease to remember for a few minutes, or even, it may be, for a few hours? O how idle to talk of "_indulging_ grief:"

talk of indulging the rack, the rheumatism! who ever indulged grief that truly felt it? to _endure_ is hard enough.

It is o'er! with its pains and its pleasures, The dream of affection is o'er!

The feelings I lavish'd so fondly Will never return to me more.

With a faith, O! too blindly believing-- A truth, no unkindness could move; My prodigal heart hath expended At once, an existence of love.

And now, like the spendthrift forsaken, By those whom his bounty had blest, All empty, and cold, and despairing, It shrinks in my desolate breast.

But a spirit is burning within me, Unquench'd, and unquenchable yet; It shall teach me to bear uncomplaining, The grief I can never forget.

_Rouen, June 25._--I do not pity Joan of Arc: that heroic woman only paid the price which all must pay for celebrity in some shape or other: the sword or the f.a.ggot, the scaffold or the field, public hatred or private heart-break; what matter? The n.o.ble Bedford could not rise above the age in which he lived: but _that_ was the age of gallantry and chivalry, as well as superst.i.tion: and could Charles, the lover of Agnes Sorel, with all the knights and n.o.bles of France, look on while their champion, and a woman, was devoted to chains and death, without one effort to save her?

It has often been said that her fate disgraced the military fame of the English; it is a far fouler blot on the chivalry of France.

_St. Germains, June 27._--I cannot bear this place, another hour in it will kill me; this sultry evening--this sickening suns.h.i.+ne--this quiet, unbroken, boundless landscape--these motionless woods--the Seine stealing, creeping through the level plains--the dull grandeur of the old chateau--the languid repose of the whole scene--instead of soothing, torture me. I am left without resource, a prey to myself and to my memory--to reflection, which embitters the source of suffering, and thought, which brings distraction. Horses on to Paris!

Vite! Vite!

_Paris, 28._--What said the witty Frenchwoman?--_Paris est le lieu du monde ou l'on peut le mieux se pa.s.ser de bonheur;_--in that case it will suit me admirably.

_29._--We walked and drove about all day: I was amused. I marvel at my own versatility when I think how soon my quick spirits were excited by this gay, gaudy, noisy, idle place. The different appearance of the streets of London and Paris is the first thing to strike a stranger.

In the gayest and most crowded streets of London the people move steadily and rapidly along, with a grave collected air, as if all had some business in view; _here_, as a little girl observed the other day, all the people walk about "like ladies and gentlemen going a visiting:" the women well-dressed and smiling, and with a certain jaunty air, trip along with their peculiar mincing step, and appear as if their sole object was but to show themselves; the men ill-dressed, slovenly, and in general ill-looking, lounge indolently, and stare as if they had no other purpose in life but to look about them.[B]

_July 12._--"Quel est a Paris le supreme talent? celui d'amuser: et quel est le supreme bonheur? l'amus.e.m.e.nt."

Then _le supreme bonheur_ may be found every evening from nine to ten, in a walk along the Boulevards, or a ramble through the Champs Elysees, and from ten to twelve in a salon at Tortoni's.

What an extraordinary scene was that I witnessed to-night! how truly _French_! Spite of myself and all my melancholy musings, and all my philosophic allowances for the difference of national character, I was irresistibly compelled to smile at some of the farcical groups we encountered. In the most crowded parts of the Champs Elysees this evening (Sunday), there sat an old lady with a wrinkled yellow face and sharp features, dressed in flounced gown of dirty white muslin, a pink sash and a Leghorn hat and feathers. In one hand she held a small tray for the contribution of amateurs, and in the other an Italian bravura, which she sung or rather screamed out with a thousand indescribable shruggings, contortions, and grimaces, and in a voice to which a cracked tea-kettle, or a "brazen candlestick turned," had seemed the music of the spheres. A little farther on we found two elderly gentlemen playing at see-saw; one an immense corpulent man of fifteen stone at least, the other a thin dwarfish animal with gray mustachios, who held before him what I thought was a child, but on approaching, it proved to be a large stone strapped before him, to render his weight a counterpoise to that of his huge companion. We pa.s.sed on, and returning about half an hour afterwards down the same walk, we found the same venerable pair pursuing their edifying amus.e.m.e.nt with as much enthusiasm as before.

Before the revolution, sacrilege became one of the most frequent crimes. I was told of a man who, having stolen from a church the silver box containing the consecrated wafers, returned the wafers next day in a letter to the Cure of the Parish, _having used one of them to seal his envelop_.

July 27.--A conversation with S** always leaves me sad. Can it then be possible that he is right? No--O no! my understanding rejects the idea with indignation, my whole heart recoils from it; yet if it should be so! what then: have I been till now the dupe and the victim of fact.i.tious feelings? virtue, honour, feeling, generosity, you are then but words, signifying nothing? Yet if this vain philosophy lead to happiness, would not S** be happy? it is evident he is _not_. When he said that the object existed not in this world which could lead him twenty yards out of his way, did this sound like happiness? I remember that while he spoke, instead of feeling either persuaded or convinced by his captivating eloquence, I was perplexed and distressed; I _suffered_ a painful compa.s.sion, and tears were in my eyes. I, who so often have pitied myself, pitied him at that moment a thousand times more; I thought, I would not buy tranquillity at such a price as he has paid for it. Yet _if_ he should be right? that _if_, which every now and then suggests itself, is terrible; it shakes me in the utmost recesses of my heart.

S**, in spite of myself, and in spite of all that with most perverted pains he has made himself (so different from what he once was), can charm and interest, pain and perplex me:--not so D**, another disciple of the same school: he inspires me with the strongest antipathy I ever felt for a human being. Insignificant and disagreeable is his appearance, he looks as if all the bile under heaven had found its way into his complexion, and all the infernal irony of a Mephistopheles into his turned-up nose and insolent curled lip. He is, he _says_ he is, an atheist, a materialist, a sensualist: the pains he takes to deprave and degrade his nature, render him so disgusting, that I could not even speak in his presence; I dreaded lest he should enter into conversation with me. I might have spared myself the fear. He piques himself on his utter contempt for, and disregard of, women; and, after all, is not himself worthy these words I bestow on him.

_Aug. 25._--Here begins, I hope, a new aera. I have had a long and dangerous illness; the crisis perhaps of what I have been suffering for months. Contrary to my own wishes, and to the expectations of others, I _live_: and trusting in G.o.d that I have been preserved for some wise and good purpose, am therefore thankful: even supposing I should be reserved for new trials, I cannot surely in this world suffer more than I have suffered: it is not possible that the same causes can be again combined to afflict me.

How truly can I say, few and evil have my days been! may I not say as truly, I have not weakly yielded, I have not "gone about to cause my heart to despair," but have striven, and not in vain? I took the remedies they gave me, and was grateful; I resigned myself to _live_, when had I but willed it, I might have died; and when to die and be at rest, seemed to my sick heart the only covetable boon.

_Sept. 3._--A terrible anniversary at Paris--still ill and very weak.

Edmonde came, _pour me desennuyer_. He has soul enough to bear a good deal of wearing down; but whether the fine qualities he possesses will turn to good or evil, is hard to tell: it is evident his character has not yet settled: it vibrates still as nature inclines him to good, and all the circ.u.mstances around him to evil. We talked as usual of women, of gallantry, of the French and English character, of national prejudices, of Shakspeare and Racine (never failing subjects of discussion), and he read aloud Delille's Catacombes de Rome, with great feeling, animation, and dramatic effect.

_La mode_ at Paris is a spell of wondrous power: it is most like what we should call in England a rage, a mania, a torrent sweeping down the bounds between good and evil, sense and nonsense, upon whose surface straws and egg-sh.e.l.ls float into notoriety, while the gold and the marble are buried and hidden till its force be spent. The rage for cashmeres and little dogs has lately given way to a rage for Le Solitaire, a romance written, I believe, by a certain Vicomte d'Arlincourt. Le Solitaire rules the imagination, the taste, the dress of half Paris: if you go to the theatre, it is to see the "Solitaire,"

either as tragedy, opera, or melodrame; the men dress their hair and throw their cloaks about them _a la Solitaire_; bonnets and caps, flounces and ribbons, are all _a la Solitaire_; the print shops are full of scenes from Le Solitaire; it is on every toilette, on every work-table;--ladies carry it about in their reticules to show each other that they are _a la mode_; and the men--what can they do but humble their understandings and be _extasies_, when beautiful eyes sparkle in its defence and glisten in its praise, and ruby lips p.r.o.nounce it divine, delicious; "quelle sublimite dans les descriptions, quelle force dans les caracteres! quelle ame! feu!

chaleur! verve! originalite! pa.s.sion!" etc.

"Vous n'avez pas lu le Solitaire?" said Madame M. yesterday. "Eh mon dieu! il est donc possible! vous? mais, ma chere, vous etes perdue de reputation, et pour jamais!"

To retrieve my lost reputation, I sat down to read Le Solitaire, and as I read my amazement grew, and I did in "gaping wonderment abound,"

to think that fas.h.i.+on, like the insane root of old, had power to drive a whole city mad with nonsense; for such a tissue of abominable absurdities, bombast and blasphemy, bad taste and bad language, was never surely indited by any madman, in or out of Bedlam: not Maturin himself, that king of fustian,

"----ever wrote or borrowed Any thing half so horrid!"

and this is the book which has turned the brains of half Paris, which has gone through fifteen editions in a few weeks, which not to admire is "_pitoyable_," and not to have read "_quelque chose d'inouie_."

The objects at Paris which have most struck me, have been those least vaunted.

The view of the city from the Pont des Arts, to-night, enchanted me.

As every body who goes to Rome views the Coliseum by moonlight, so n.o.body should leave Paris without seeing the effect from the Pont des Arts, on a fine moonlight night:--

"Earth hath not any thing to show more fair."

It is singular I should have felt its influence at such a moment: it appears to me that those who, from feeling too strongly, have learnt to consider too deeply, become less sensible to the works of art, and more alive to nature. Are there not times when we turn with indifference from the finest picture or statue--the most improving book--the most amusing poem; and when the very commonest, and every-day beauties of nature, a soft evening, a lovely landscape, the moon riding in her glory through a clouded sky, without forcing or asking attention, sink into our hearts? They do not console,--they sometimes add poignancy to pain; but still they have a power, and do not speak in vain: they become a part of us; and never are we so inclined to claim kindred with nature, as when sorrow has lent us her mournful experience. At the time I felt this (and how many have felt it as deeply, and expressed it better!) I did not _think_ it, still less could I have _said it_; but I have pleasure in recording the past impression. "On rend mieux compte de ce qu'on a senti que de ce qu'on sent."

_September 8._--Paris is crowded with English; and I do not wonder at it; it is, on the whole, a pleasant place to live in. I like Paris, though I shall quit it without regret as soon as I have strength to travel. Here the social arts are carried to perfection--above all, the art of conversation: every one talks much and talks well. In this multiplicity of words it must happen of course that a certain quantum of ideas is intermixed: and somehow or other, by dint of listening, talking, and looking about them, people _do_ learn, and information to a certain point is general. Those who have knowledge are not shy of imparting it, and those who are ignorant take care not to seem so; but are sometimes agreeable, often amusing, and seldom _betes_. Nowhere have I seen unformed sheepish boys, nowhere the surliness, awkwardness, ungraciousness, and uneasy proud bashfulness, I have seen in the best companies in England. Our French friend Lucien has, at fifteen, the air and conversation of a finished gentleman; and our English friend C---- is at eighteen, the veriest log of a lumpish school-boy that ever entered a room. What I have seen of society, I like: the delicious climate too, the rich skies, the clear elastic atmosphere, the _out of doors_ life the people lead, are all (in summer at least) delightful. There may be less _comfort_ here; but n.o.body feels the want of it; and there is certainly more amus.e.m.e.nt--and amus.e.m.e.nt is here truly "le supreme bonheur."

Happiness, according to the French meaning of the word, lies more on the surface of life: it is a sort of happiness which is cheap and ever at hand. This is the place to live in for the merry poor man, or the melancholy rich one: for those who have too much money, and those who have too little; for those who only wish, like the Irishman "to live all the days of their life,"--_prendre en legere monnaie la somme des plaisirs_: but to the thinking, the feeling, the domestic man, who only exists, enjoys, suffers through his affections--

"Who is retired as noontide dew, Or fountain in a noonday grove--"

to such a one, Paris must be nothing better than a vast frippery shop, an ever-varying galantee show, an eternal vanity fair, a vortex of folly, a pandemonium of vice.