Punch 1893.07.29 Part 6

_A._ That instead of being regarded as prey, newspapers should be made to pay.

_Q._ And how can that be carried out?

_A._ By making a law calling upon a would-be plaintiff, in a questionable action for libel, to give security for costs.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DELICATE SNUB.

_Sir Pompey Bedell._ "OH--ER--MOSSOO LE BARRONG, ESKER-VOO--ER--ESKER-VOO SAVVY--ER--ESKER-VOO SAVVY KER VOOS AVAY LE--LA--ER--ER----"

_Monsieur le Baron._ "Do not Sir Pompey, do _not_ continue to speak French! You speak it so well--ah! But _so_ well--zat you make me feel quite _'Ome-sick!_"]

O WISE YOUNG JUDGE!--Mr. Justice HAWKINS has scored over and over again during the first act of the ZIERENBERG _v._ LABOUCHERE trial.

One witness in cross-examination said "he thought he could tell people who were overworked." So Mr. Justice HAWKINS asked him, "Do you see anybody in this court who looks like being overworked?" Of course the witness looked straight at the Judge, but Sir HENRY was ready with a very practical answer to his own question, as he instantly rose to the occasion and adjourned the case till next day, and from next day till next term.

AT THE T. R. H.--Mr. TREE subst.i.tuted IBSEN for WILDE. Some evenings at the T. R. Haymarket may be pleasantly pa.s.sed, _i.e._, _"Wilde"

away_.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, July 17._--"_Et tu, Bowlsey!_" said GRANDOLPH, a tear glistening on his long eyelashes. Of course he should have said "_Brute_," but that is not Member for King's Lynn's name. Remark followed upon incident that ruffled unusually dull evening. TOMMY was making one of his rare speeches; instructing Chief Secretary on intricate point in Home-Rule Bill; complaining of an omission in Amendment under discussion. GRANDOLPH, turning round, explained to him the bearing of things. Audacious, it is true. "The attempt," as JEMMY LOWTHER said, "to instruct your grandmother in the art of imbibing light but nutritious refreshment a slight thing compared with the temerity of teaching Tommy anything." When he detected GRANDOLPH in attempt, he for moment fixed him with surprised stare. Enough in ordinary circ.u.mstances to paralyse a rhinoceros.

GRANDOLPH, who from precarious retreat in a tree-top in Central Africa has watched the noon slumbers of a horde of thirty lions, did not flinch. Then through the startled House rang TOMMY'S withering rebuke: "Pray hold your tongue!" an injunction which drew from GRANDOLPH the pained remark quoted above.

Coming from such a source it was doubly painful. Always understood that TOMMY founded his Parliamentary style upon GRANDOLPH'S earlier manner. Whispered that Member for King's Lynn had dreamed a dream of a new Fourth Party. He of course would play the part of GRANDOLPH; HANBURY (selected chiefly on account of his height and slimness of his figure) would stand for Arthur Balfour before he came into his Princedom. The glories of Gorst would live again in BARTLEY; and TOMMY had spent sleepless night in doubt as to whether he should enlist PARKER SMITH or AMBROSE in place of WOLFFY, who now, in distant Madrid, wears a sombrero, drapes his _svelte_ figure in a cloak, and interlards his conversation with cries of "_Carramba!_"

This point was decided by curious incident. One afternoon TOMMY came upon PARKER SMITH conversing with TOMLINSON.

"Don't you think PARKER SMITH'S getting something of a bore?" TOMMY asked, when that eminent statesman moved away.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ANGELS IN 'THE HOUSE.'"]

"Now that's very odd indeed," said TOMLINSON. "Just as you came up PARKER SMITH said to me 'Here comes TOMMY BOWLES; good fellow; means well; but don't you think he's making himself something of a bore?'"

So PARKER SMITH lost his chance, and perhaps will never know how or why. Thinking of these things 'tis quaint to find TOMMY turning and biting the hand which, so to speak, held for him the Parliamentary bottle. "_Et tu, Bowlsey!_" GRANDOLPH sighed again, thinking of the days that are no more. "But I ought to have remembered that he who plays at BOWLES must expect rubbers."

_Business done._--TOMMY declines to make room for his Uncle GRANDOLPH; even rudely repulses avuncular advances.

_Tuesday._--s.e.xTON magnanimously relieved Mr. G., JOHN MORLEY, and, by implication, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD and other Members, from embarra.s.sing imputation. Sometimes, when gentlemen in PRINCE ARTHUR'S suite have nothing nastier to say, they sketch lurid pictures of Mr. G. and the rest drawn at wheels of s.e.xTON'S chariot. All very well, they say, to talk of Cabinet Meetings, and statesmans.h.i.+p at Irish Office. The real boss, as TIM would put it, the arbiter of situation, is s.e.xTON. When these things are said, JOHN MORLEY smiles grimly; Mr. G. pretends not to hear; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD audibly raps fingers on his manly breast; Liberals cheer ironically; s.e.xTON blushes, and looks across to see if JOHN REDMOND is listening.

To-night he feels this thing has gone far enough. There may, perhaps, be some smattering of truth in it; but its disclosure cannot be pleasant to his right hon. friends on Treasury Bench. Accordingly s.e.xTON rose, and, taking Mr. G. by the hand, as it were, and giving a finger to JOHN MORLEY, declared that there was no foundation for the imputation. It was true he had from time to time offered suggestions, the appositeness and value of which it was not for him to determine.

Occasionally they might have been accepted by the Government. That was due not to the pressure of dictation, but to the force of reason. Mr.

MORLEY was a statesman not unacquainted with affairs, whilst Mr. G.

had reached an age at which he might be trusted with some share in the conduct of a Bill. He could a.s.sure the House that he was not, in this matter, dictator. Such a charge was, he added, in burst of uncompromising self-abnegation, "imbecile."

"And they say," cried WEBSTER, for him unusually mixed, "that Irishmen have no sense of humour."

_Business done._--s.e.xTON generously puts Mr. G. right in eyes of Universe.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "He declared that there was no foundation for the imputation."]

_Thursday Night._--Been remarked of late, in quarter behind Front Opposition Bench, that THEOBALD has appeared preternaturally preoccupied. Thought he was brooding over the drought, or the prospects of Home Rule. Secret out to-night. Been concocting a joke; taken him some time; but, then, consider the quality. Some weeks ago order issued in Ireland prohibiting hoisting of flags on hotels, and other private buildings. THEOBALD diligently concentrating his thoughts upon this fresh iniquity, gradually worked out his joke.

Appeared on paper to-night in shape of question addressed to JOHN MORLEY. Supposing (so it runs) HER MAJESTY should visit Ireland, and stay in an hotel, would the Government take measures to legalise the hoisting of the Royal Standard on the building?

Delightful to watch THEOBALD when he had fired this bolt; fixed his eye attentively on Mr. G., to see how he took it, the paper in his hand trembling with excitement. Didn't often make a joke; doesn't remember a former occasion. Work somewhat exhausting, especially in hot weather; but when he did take his coat off and set to it must be admitted he turned out a rare article. All very well for JOHN MORLEY to affect to make light of the business. Not very probable that when the QUEEN visited Ireland she would put up at an hotel; a hypothetical question; deal with the question when it arises, and all the rest of Ministerial commonplaces. THEOBALD'S shaft had gone home, and when he saw Mr. G. wince, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD grow pale, he felt that the continuous labour of nights and days was rewarded.

"Didn't think I could do it," he said when I warmly congratulated him.

"Not used to that sort of thing, you know. Never know what you can do till you try. A little hard at first. The thing is to keep pegging away. Still, I'm glad it's over. Shan't try another this year. Shall go away now for a bit of a holiday to recruit."

_Business done._--Got through Clauses Home-Rule Bill. Shall begin now to pick up dropped threads.

_Friday._--Not heard much lately of HENNIKER-HEATON. Compared with what my dear old friend RAIKES used to suffer from this quarter, ARNOLD MORLEY'S withers are unwrung. "You've not given up the crusade, have you?" I asked HENNIKER, meeting him in the Lobby just now.

"No," he said; "I do not mean to rest till not only I get Ocean Penny Postage, but have introduced at home a smaller but much-needed reform.

Custom here at Christmas is, as I daresay you know, to give postman present. That I hold to be a criminal reversal of natural course of events. It's the Post-Office should give its customers a Christmas-box, as in some places doth the grocer and eke the milkman.

This tax upon the general public on behalf of a department of the State is another evidence of the grasping disposition of St.

Martin's-le-Grand. I'll be up and at 'em again soon. Fact is, of late I've had my own troubles. Have mentioned them in letter to _Times_, so don't mind talking to you on a subject that has brought me from unknown admirers many expressions of sympathy, the comfort of which has, it is true, been somewhat lessened by the fact that postage was unpaid. It's this Australian Bank business. You know the proud motto of that great Colony beyond the Sea, 'Advance, Australia!' Well, having lived there sometime, I thought it only polite to fall in with the suggestion. I advanced Australia a good deal of money in the way of purchase of bank stock, which has melted away like snow on the river. CURRAN'S in the same box: but we shall get over this, and you may bet a s.h.i.+lling postage-stamp to a halfpenny newspaper-cover we'll Advance Australia no more."

_Business done._--Entered last compartment Home-Rule Bill.

"VOCES STELLARUM."

A great crowd of theatrical astronomers and star-gazers a.s.sembled at the Lyceum Observatory last Sat.u.r.day night for the purpose of watching the movements of the brilliant Lyceum group. HENRY IRVING of the first magnitude, ELLEN TERRY one of the brightest of the astral bodies, and the Mars-like TERRIS, with the other lesser brilliancies, all of whom we shall be unable to reckon as among the "Fixed Stars" until next Spring, when they shall have returned from their American tour.

Enthusiastic reception from all parts of the House of IRVING-BECKET'S parting address, which he delivered, standing before the Curtain, in his monk's habit (one of the old "Orders," "not admitted after seven"), and wearing the _pallium_, which is the special and peculiar "property" of the Lyceum See. _Mr. Punch_ wishes them "_Bon voyage_,"

and many happy "returns" after every performance, ending with the happiest return of all, their reappearance at the Lyceum.

CONS. FOR THE CHAIR.

_On very Old Models._

_Q._ Why should a MELLOR put on a "considering cap"?--_A._ To keep his head cool. _Q._ When is a "Chair" not a "Chair"?--_A._ When it is "sat upon." _Q._ When does the Closure a Premier surprise?--_A._ When he finds the "Noes" above the "Ayes." _Q._ Where was PEEL when he put the s.e.xTON out?--_A._ In a pa.s.sion. _Q._ Why does an angry Party "cross"

the House?--_A._ To get on the other side.

An Unpleasant Paradox.