The Bread Line Part 11

"All right," cheerfully a.s.sented Perner.

"OFFER NO. 1

"Our splendid paper, 'The Whole Family,' for one year, fifty-two issues, and our great world-beating, stem-winding and -setting, cylinder-escapement, diamond-balance, crown-jeweled watch! Worth, both together, five dollars in gold! Given by us, until present limited quant.i.ty is exhausted, for the mere ridiculous bagatelle of

"ONE DOLLAR!

"and twenty-five cents to pay for postage and packing."

Perner paused and caught his breath. Then he added:

"The last line, of course, will be in small type, so it won't seem to count. It's the dollar that will catch them. And what do you think of 'crown-jeweled'? Wasn't that an inspiration? You see, 'full-jeweled'

means a certain number, and we don't want to deceive anybody, while 'crown-jeweled' means just jewels, because any kind of jewels are suitable for a crown."

Perner regarded them triumphantly. Barrifield and Livingstone murmured a.s.sent.

"Yes, that was a great stroke," agreed Van Dorn; "but I object to the 'mere ridiculous bagatelle.'"

Perner looked injured. It was evident that he valued this form.

"You see, they'll think it means another premium--something they don't get," Van Dorn continued.

"Yes; sounds like a game I used to have," suggested Livingstone.

Barrifield nodded dreamily, while Perner scratched out the offending words.

"You fellows are such good hands to find fault with what I do," he complained, "why don't you do something yourselves?"

"Give me the pencil and paper, then," commanded Van Dorn. Perner surrendered the articles with dignity, and for some moments the artist wrote busily.

"Now," he exclaimed at last, "how does this sound?

"OFFER NO. 2

"Paper, same as you had, Perny, and

"our marvelous cracker-jack, kodak, double-rack, swing-back camera--"

"Bully!" shouted Livingstone, "that's a regular college yell!"

"Of course--that's what we want!" Van Dorn acknowledged eagerly.

"That'll make every college boy want one!"

Perner a.s.sented, but he did not look altogether happy. Perhaps he felt that he had been defeated by a maker of pictures in what was properly a literary undertaking.

"Now let Barry and Stony do the gun and the Bible," he said wearily.

"I'm tired."

The door opened just then, and Colonel Hazard entered. In spite of his disreputable clothing, he possessed considerable dignity and a manner calculated to inspire in those about him something akin to confidence.

It was, perhaps, this very quality that had been from time to time the downfall of himself and others. The stream of Pactolus had flowed often at his touch, though only to waste its golden waters in treacherous sands and unseen pitfalls. Nevertheless, he had retained what was even more precious--hope and unfailing good nature. It is true Bates had provoked him to wrath, but then, Bates's manner had been exceptional.

"You're just the man we want to see, Colonel," called Van Dorn, as he entered.

"We're getting up our ads. Come and help us."

The Colonel was always willing and courteous. He cleared his throat and came forward smiling.

"Certainly, gentlemen. I think I may really be able to a.s.sist you somewhat. When I was business manager of the 'Family Post' in its palmy days I always arranged my own advertising copy. I remember once of running the circulation up something like two hundred thousand on a single feature I introduced. Also, when I was editor-in-chief of the 'Sat.u.r.day Globe' they often came to me for such things. It is quite an art, I a.s.sure you. May I be allowed to consider what you have already done?"

The work, so far as completed, was exhibited and read aloud for his delectation.

"Very good, gentlemen, very good indeed," he a.s.sented, when they had finished. "You have also made careful selection, no doubt, of the periodicals in which these advertis.e.m.e.nts are to appear. A great deal depends on the choice of proper mediums. For instance, you would not wish to offer the gun in a ladies' journal, nor, from a business standpoint, the Bible in a sportsmen's magazine, however commendable such a course might appear from a moral point of view. You see, gentlemen, I speak from long and dearly bought experience, and these matters are worth considering."

"But Bates attends to all that," said Perner. "He knows the best places to advertise better than we do, and can get better prices. Wouldn't you think so?"

The face of the Colonel grew almost stern.

"I do not wish, gentlemen, to interfere in any of your plans," he said with some dignity, "and you must excuse me if I do not coincide with your opinions concerning my colleague, Mr. Joseph Bates. He impresses me as merely a boasting, unscrupulous fellow when he is sober, and a maudlin Ananias when he's intoxicated. In neither condition do I consider him trustworthy."

"By gad! nor I, either!" declared Livingstone.

"Oh, come, now," protested Barrifield, laughing lazily. "You fellows are down on Bates because he drinks. Why, some of the smartest men we ever had in this country were the hardest drinkers."

"Rather in spite of it than because of it, however, I fancy," smiled the Colonel. "If I were employing men I should hardly regard inebriety as an evidence of either superior intelligence or moral integrity. Personally, I have no respect for my colleague,--no respect whatever,--though, as long as he remains such, I shall treat him with the courtesy due to his position."

There was something about the Colonel's manner that commanded sufficient respect for himself to prevent the laughter which his appearance and remarks might otherwise have encouraged. With his a.s.sistance the proprietors of the "Whole Family" proceeded with the descriptions of the gun and the Bible. They had finished and Colonel Hazard had arisen to go when Bates himself entered. He was unsteady on his feet, and paused for a moment to regard the Colonel with drunken scorn. Then he made a motion toward a chair, lurched heavily, barely saved himself by grasping the table, and stood swaying like an inverted pendulum. The Colonel hesitated for an instant, then with a deft motion he pushed a chair behind the oscillating figure.

"Allow me, Mr. Bates. Good evening, gentlemen." And with a stately bow he pa.s.sed out just as the helpless Bates sank into the chair thus thoughtfully provided by his enemy, and was saved. Once in the chair, he partially recovered and found speech.

"No r'spect f'r that chap!" he said thickly, shaking his head, "no r'spect wh'tever. He's 'n old stuff--'at's w'at he is--no r'spect wh'tever."

"Oh, come, Bates, brace up! If it hadn't been for the Colonel you'd have been on the floor! Brace up, now; we want to talk business!"

Perner spoke sharply, and it had the effect of bringing the solicitor partly to his senses. The proprietors of the "Whole Family" had been indulgent heretofore--even submissive; he could not afford to disturb these conditions--not yet. Barrifield and Van Dorn also regarded him severely. Livingstone, disgusted, walked over to the window and looked down on the street.

"We have been getting up our ads," continued Perner, "and we want them placed right away. We've left the selection of the places to you, but if you're going to attend to it you've got to brace up and answer some questions. What we want to know is whether this advertising is going to pay us--pay right away, I mean--so enough returns will come in to cover the investment as soon as it's out."

The effect of this on Bates was certainly remarkable. By the time Perner had finished speaking, except for a slightly heavy look in his eyes and a trifling uncertainty as to consonants, you could hardly have told he had been drinking.

"Gen'lemen," he said with great conviction, "there is no question about it. I've been in the adve'tising business ten years, an' I know what I'm talkin' about. You've got a beautiful paper, gen'lemen, beautiful. I sat up t'll one o'clock las' night reading it. All it wan's is adve'tising.

No question about it, gen'lemen."

Barrifield looked across triumphantly at Van Dorn. Bates was all right when it came to business. They read him the advertis.e.m.e.nts, of which he approved heartily. Later, he began telling them of some vast sum appropriated by an artificial food company for advertising purposes and of which he would secure for them a handsome slice.

Perner listened a moment; then he drew a paper from his pocket.

"Oh, by the way, Bates," he asked, "what does this mean? This contract you left here last night reads, 'Two lines, two insertions, for two dollars.' What does that mean?"

Bates stared a moment; then he took the paper and pretended to examine it very carefully. A moment later he chuckled.