Religion in Earnest Part 16

'Where all is a.s.surance and peace, And sorrow and sin are no more.'"

"My soul is happy.--On leaving for home, I was inwardly moved to pray with the family with which we had lodged. The Spirit of the Lord a.s.sisted me.--During the week I have been led out in prayer for my son John, and for the Conference. If the enemy rages, the men of G.o.d have access by faith to omnipotent Power, and unerring Wisdom. May each be clothed with humility, and claim the grace they need, that they may be wisely directed.

"Sinnington. When we reached Pickering, we had a very awful storm, accompanied with thunder and lightning. My soul was kept in peace.

Some women, who were detained as well as ourselves, seemed much afraid. I was prompted to speak to them on the necessity of preparing to meet G.o.d.--Cousin Samuel took me to Whitby. We climbed one hundred and ninety steps to the church, and found many gravestones of little note; but one attracted my attention, as it bore my own and my husband's names. How soon it will be said over us, 'Dust to dust,' I know not; may we be found ready.--Called upon a sick neighbour, but as it was not convenient to see her, I retired into the drawing-room with a friend who was present, to pour out our souls on her behalf.--I have got a new servant, who makes no profession of religion, and feel desirous for her salvation. Yesterday morning on awaking, the words were impressed upon my mind, 'Let him know, that he which converteth a sinner from the error of his ways, shall save a soul from death, and hide a mult.i.tude of sins.' From this I derive encouragement.--Amid the conflicting elements afloat, our business is to make Christ our pattern and our guide. I am trying to take up my daily cross, and to watch the motions of my mind; but ah! how fitful. I am nothing;--helpless and undone without Christ, my only hope is in his atonement. Precious refuge! Come Lord, come now; I thirst, I long for Thy coming. Now baptize, and overpower me with Thy love. If there is lurking in my soul, any secret and undiscovered evil, tear it away.

'Show me Thy glory!'"

"185l.--My soul is drawn heavenward. The sewing meeting is much laid upon my mind, that it may improve in spirituality, and that I may fill the post a.s.signed me according to the will of G.o.d. I long to spread the savour of Christ among the dear people, and make religion appear more lovely.--Finished my visitation at the 'School of Industry;' the children repeated the 104th and 119th Psalms, also the 12th of Romans, and the 22nd of Revelation. I spoke a few words, and prayed with them; giving them a few small books, and one for the library.--A friend brought me her alb.u.m, requesting me to write in it. I thought prayerfully on the subject, and begged direction of the Lord, not knowing who might look upon it. During my sleeping hours and the following morning, the subject of the last Sabbath's Sermon (Psalm 1.) was impressed upon my mind with such force and sweetness, and I felt it to be so suitable to my friend, that I determined to insert it. My heart's desire is, that it may be blessed to all who read it.--As I pa.s.sed the Centenary Chapel this evening, a gentleman thus accosted me: 'You don't know me.' I answered, 'No sir.' He rejoined, 'I sat in your pew about nine years ago. Mr. Curnock preached about Noah's Ark; and a word you spoke to me afterward, forcibly impressed my mind. You said, 'Get into the Ark,' and now I have got into the Ark.' I had no remembrance of the circ.u.mstance, but am thankful he has got in. To G.o.d be all the glory!--Sitting by the fire this evening, I fainted. So graciously does my heavenly Father deal with me, that he blesses and chastens me in _love_; for this, my heart's desire is to praise Him: I thirst for a deeper baptism, and more intimate communion with Him."

MY SIXTY-NINTH BIRTHDAY.

Now the evening shadows lengthen, Nature's feebleness appears; Every grace within me strengthen, To sustain increasing years.

Perfect in me all Thy pleasure, While I sojourn here below; Every fruit, in richer measure, Through my dying Lord bestow.

"By the evening train a family party, consisting of thirteen of us, safely arrived in Searbro'. Five went to the band-meeting, which was very thinly attended. One of the five spoke, having been upwards of fifty years a member. I went to Mr. F.'s cla.s.s, and though I could not hear what the members said, I heard the leader, who made some very appropriate remarks. When addressing me, he related an anecdote of Rowland Hill, who, going to preach at a village, was requested to visit a good, but poor half-witted man. He went accordingly, and accosted poor Richard with the question, 'Do you intend to go to heaven?' 'Yes,' he replied, 'don't you?' 'But heaven is a long way off,' said Mr. Hill. 'I don't think so,' was the reply. 'Then what do you think?' 'I think,' said the man, 'it is only three steps.' 'Well, Richard, what are they?' 'The first step is out of self; the second into Christ; and the third into Glory.' So Mr. Hill went back, and told his friends that he had been to preach to Richard, but Richard had preached to him.--I ventured to speak to a friend, who sat beside me in the Chapel, about coming to cla.s.s. To my surprise, she said she had for some time thought of speaking to me on the subject. Surely this was the suggestion of the Spirit. The Crystal Palace has great attractions just now! I hope to see the palace of angels and of G.o.d.--Quarterly fast. It was good to be at the prayer-meeting in the morning; better at noon; best of all at night.--After a very restless night, my husband rose very poorly and feeble. I prayed with him before he got up, and now I feel it good to pray _for_ him. About noon he had another attack of paralysis, which lasted about two hours, and at tea time he was seized again. Through mercy, he is better. By looking to the Rock that is higher than I, my mind has been sustained.

While kneeling by the bedside of my afflicted husband, I have been blessed, and found that as my day so has been my strength.--My husband and daughter are both better; thanks be to G.o.d! I cannot but acknowledge that He afflicts in love.--'Because I live ye shall live also,' was a portion in one of my dreams this week. I think of it with pleasure, and believe it will be so; my heart aspires after this inheritance, but not with so much fervour as it ought.--I purpose, G.o.d willing, to commence another afternoon cla.s.s next Tuesday, at three o'clock, for the benefit of some who may find it more convenient: I trust it is with the approval of G.o.d, whose blessing I implore.--The dying year has been marked by many blessings to me and mine;--much nearness to my heavenly Father; but it has also seen many wanderings.

I have just now been endeavouring to surrender myself freely and fully unto the Lord, whose I am, and whom I desire faithfully to serve. I seem surrounded by His presence. It is now eleven o'clock; but how many will depart before twelve! Happy event to those who are prepared, having built upon Christ! Here rests my hope: 'Other refuge have I none.' Glory be to G.o.d on high!"

"1852.--Although I have been suffering from cold, the Lord deals very gently with me. Others of my dear family are now under the rod. These things are painful; but looking at them in the light of eternity, I find love is mingled with them all. Oh! that from these dispensations we may derive all the good our heavenly Father designs. We cannot believe He willingly afflicts the children of men, especially His own children, but for our own profit, that we may be made 'partakers of His holiness.' I am reading 'Angel James on Christian Charity.' with profit.--I am again disappointed of meeting the Lord's people. Though I am better than I have been, it is not deemed prudent for me to go out. This is taking up my cross, but whether in the right way, Thou knowest. I want in every thing to do right.--When I rose I found it was only five o'clock, but resolved to give myself to prayer. After breakfast I went to see my daughter Mary, whose husband is very ill. My soul was blessed in prayer with him. He requested me to pray earnestly. Lord, help me to pray in faith. While endeavouring to do so I am blest in my own soul.--This is a day of trouble and rebuke.

My daughter Eliza is very ill; Mr. Jackson is also worse;--the medical man giving little or no hope respecting him. In such cases, how vain is the help of man! The feelings of my mind are indescribable. O Lord, undertake Thou for us. I feel Thee near to me, be near to my dear family; and, while thus Thou art chastening us, O sanctify the rod.--Mr. Jackson has had a very restless night, and is much weaker, but quite recollected. While I prayed, he responded. I left him a little after eleven; and after calling upon Eliza, went to the School of Industry. Between one and two a messenger came for me to go to Mr.

Jackson's immediately; but before I could arrive, the lamp of life was extinguished. He had 'found the rest we toil to find.'--A week of painful exercise is past away; but I see not the end. Through mercy I can look to G.o.d, and find refuge there. Yesterday when I awoke, it was sweetly suggested, 'Because I live ye shall live also.' This raised my drooping spirit; and now I take my pen to acknowledge the loving-kindness of G.o.d, manifested to us as a family; even under the most painful events, mercy is mixed in the cup.--The last week--before I reach my seventieth year. Life has pa.s.sed away as a dream! The pleasing and the painful are both gone! But from the earliest dawn of recollection, the Spirit of G.o.d has moved upon my mind. Much love, and much patience, have been shown to me by my heavenly Father; and now, while the sun s.h.i.+nes without, I feel the cheering beams of the Sun of righteousness upon my soul."

Time hastens me on; It soon will be gone, And the term of my stay Grows shorter and shorter, as life wears away.

One thing I desire, To this I aspire, To live in His will, Whose mercy has spared me, and blesses me still.

No merit I boast; In Him is my trust.

Who gives me a place, And a lot, with His own, through His infinite grace.

"To-day I attained the term of life allotted to man. Rose a little before six, and resolved to dedicate myself afresh to G.o.d. Wrote a few lines, read a little, and performed my customary duties. Worked till dinner, after which I visited three poor widows,--relieved, and prayed with them; then collected subscriptions to a.s.sist G.B. Called on Mrs.

W., who kindly welcomed me; also Mrs. Isaac, with whom I found it good to engage in prayer. Went to the prayer-meeting, where I endeavoured to give myself unreservedly to G.o.d. Remained to the band-meeting, in which the power of G.o.d was manifestly revealed. Throughout the day I have enjoyed a calm repose, and a fixed resolve to consecrate my services, so long as I am spared, to the Lord.

"Harrogate.--Returning from Chapel, I observed a number of gentlemen sitting under a tree reading newspapers. On the spur of the moment, I stepped up to them, and said, 'Gentlemen, perhaps you had better lay aside the papers, and read your bibles to-day.' One answered very roughly, 'You go home and say your prayers.' I turned away, and he continued talking as long as I was within hearing. When I got home my soul was drawn out in prayer that G.o.d would have mercy upon them.--Through a continued rain I went to meet the Lord's people; but singular to relate, though I waited ten minutes, no one came. Just as I was about to return, a stranger came in--desirous of fleeing from the wrath to come. We spent the hour in prayer. My friend found encouragement, but not the power of faith. It was a time to be remembered. My heart yearned over her while, in a low tone--mingled with tears--she poured out her soul before the Lord."

OLD AGE.

Does no bright star arise to cheer The Pilgrim's downward way?

When age and feebleness appear, And wrapt in cloud, the night draws near, Can nought enfeebled nature cheer, And save it from dismay?

Jesus, Thy promis'd aid is sure To all who trust in Thee; Thy strength in weakness shall a.s.sure Frail trembling nature, and secure The grace in patience to endure, Till death shall set me free.

"During the last fortnight, two persons--whom I have often visited in former afflictions--have pa.s.sed away. Now--their knowledge far surpa.s.ses mine. I am not at the Lord's house, as my husband desired me to remain at home with him. Yet 'I have loved the habitation of Thy house.' Age brings infirmity; but I see a danger of yielding too much to increasing weakness. Lord, save me from spiritual sloth. While I write, let inward religion be communicated."

XXI.

THE WIDOW.

"SHE THAT IS A WIDOW INDEED TRUSTETH IN G.o.d; AND CONTINUETH IN SUPPLICATIONS, AND PRAYERS, NIGHT AND DAY."--1 Tim. v. 5.

How often does it happen, that when death first enters a family circle, and creates a breach; it is the signal of its speedy dissolution! one falls, then another, and another, until the central point of attraction is removed; and the individuals who are left, are by the force of circ.u.mstances, each made to feel themselves the centre of a new circle of interests, which in time will melt away as former ones have done. The occurrence of such an event is to those immediately concerned a season of solemn admonition. The question instinctively arises, who next will fall? and each may put it to his own heart, "Lord, is it I?" The death of Mr. Jackson was the first breach in a family, which by G.o.d's blessing had for many years enjoyed a happy, and undisturbed unity. Twelve months had just elapsed, when Mrs. Lyth was called to mourn the loss of a husband; and _we_ a _father_, whose retiring and unostentatious worth, was best known within the sacred precincts of home. Their union, at first entered into in the fear of G.o.d, had been maintained through the chequered scenes of life in uninterrupted peace; years had only more strongly cemented the bonds, by which they were united, and for nearly half a century the vow, "Until death us do part" had been annually renewed.

A year or two before death dissolved the contract, it was found necessary to purchase a new wedding ring; and the aged couple, with an affecting simplicity, solemnly repeated the marriage ceremony in token of their unchanged, and unabated attachment: but the hour of separation was at hand.

"1853.--During the last six weeks, many circ.u.mstances have occurred for the trial of our faith and patience; which, through grace, I recognize as the appointments of mercy for my benefit. They have led me to rest more simply on Christ by faith, which 'is the evidence of things not seen, and the substance of things hoped for.' My soul pants after G.o.d. He is my centre, my joy, my crown. Nevertheless, my own unprofitableness would discourage me; therefore, stripped of all, I hang upon Jesus, my Saviour and my all.--Our highly esteemed friend Mr. Whitehead has pa.s.sed from earth to heaven. Twelve days ago he called upon us, and conversed and prayed sweetly with my husband.

Little did I think it would be his farewell visit.--My husband and myself are both invalids. He has had several attacks upon his chest, and much difficulty of breathing. At these times however, his expressions of confidence in G.o.d are unwavering. For myself, I want no other refuge, I only want more faith. I would be all the Gospel requires;--willing to live, ready to die, but oh! I see much imperfection.--These words are often running in my mind,--

'Until he doth the cloud remove He only chastens whom he loves.'"

"My dear husband is increasingly ill. He told the Rev. Gervase Smith, who called in to see him, that fifty years ago, these words were blessed to him, 'By grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of G.o.d.' Mr. Bourne visited us in our affliction. My soul truly rejoiced in the Lord, while His servant spake of the things of G.o.d, and prayed with us. I am much comforted by my husband's state of mind. Although this is a painful ordeal, through which I am pa.s.sing, G.o.d is with me, and His grace supports me.--My husband is no better. When Mr. Eastwood inquired the state of his mind, he answered,

'For ever here my rest shall be.

Close to Thy bleeding side; This all my hope, and all my plea, For me the Saviour died.'"

"He cast upon me an expressive look--I thought he wanted something, and inquired. He replied, 'Bless you, bless you.'--Suffered much from oppression on the chest. His medical adviser promised to send him something, which would give him relief. He seemed very desirous of its arrival. In the meantime, we bowed our knees to present our case before G.o.d, and to ask His blessing upon the expected remedy; when in a few minutes the oppression, in a great measure, ceased. This was the Lord's doing, and to Him we heartily ascribe the praise.--The medicine continued the relief.--The Lord wonderfully supports my feeble frame, and I have increasing power to claim the promises made to His people, and by faith discover in them a greater fulness than ever. My friend R. informs me she has seen J.H., who had sent to request me to visit her. She wished to tell me the Lord had blessed her soul. May she be made fully meet for glory.--My husband still continues very ill. Had a distressing night. The enemy a.s.saulted him. My faith seems to have no wings.--Enabled to rise.--I asked him if Christ was precious? He replied, 'Yes.' He is apparently near death. Hitherto my mind has been graciously supported though sometimes painfully exercised. He rallied again, and slept calmly for awhile. After tea, the difficulty of breathing returned. The Rev. David Hay came in, and prayed with him; also Mr. Thompson, a little after. It was evident the hand of death was upon him. He could scarcely bear us to speak. Once he said 'Mary'--perfectly recollected. Mr. Hill asked him, 'Is Christ precious?' to which he replied in the affirmative, and shortly after inquired, 'What o'clock is it?' The answer was given 'About ten;'

and at eleven the 'weary wheels of life stood still,' and my beloved husband left me to mourn his absence. I sorrow, but not without hope; and hear a whisper in my heart, 'Thy Maker is thy husband, the Lord of Hosts is His name.' My mind is comforted; my resolutions are quickened; but my sense of abas.e.m.e.nt is great, at the little improvement I have made of such lengthened privileges. 'Enter not into judgment with Thy servant, O Lord.'"

[Her feelings under this painful bereavement were deep,--too deep for expression; but she maintained under it a calm spirit of resignation, which some might have mistaken for indifference. The writer sees her yet, as she stood for some minutes, pale and motionless, leaning on the side of the coffin, just before it was closed; and gazing in the face of the dead. There was no tear; she did not even imprint a kiss on the inanimate clay, for it was but the image of him whom she had loved. Her thoughts were in heaven. At length stroking the face, now insensible to her touch, she said, "Poor John, I shall soon meet you again."]

"My dear John was consigned to his bed of dust, to wait until the resurrection morn. Mr. Bourne came home with us. His conversation helped to cheer the gloom of parting for a little season. My mind was consoled with the joyful hope of being guided through the wilderness by Him, who so condescends to a worm of earth as to say, 'Thy Maker is thy Husband.' Amazing love! I was again permitted to tread the courts of the Lord's house. Visited J.H. in the afternoon, and spoke plainly to her husband.--Met the dear people, but was far from being satisfied with myself. I want a stronger faith, and more ardent love to the souls of those who are committed to my care. My precious husband has now been fourteen days in the eternal world."

And can I wish him back, Again to suffer here?

No! following on the track, I haste to meet him there.

"My soul goes out after Thee, O G.o.d. Thou art my treasure in this vale of tears--my friend, my husband, my G.o.d, and my all.--Able to meet both my cla.s.ses, and felt energy of spirit while urging on the members the necessity of keeping up communion with G.o.d; I requested them to give a quarter of an hour every day, to pray for the prosperity of their cla.s.s, and of their own souls."

In the midnight of my grief, Up to Thee, I lift my eye; Grant, O grant me sweet relief, Let me feel Thy presence nigh; Nothing else can succour bring, Here alone I rest my hope; To Thy bleeding cross I cling, Lift the drooping sinner up.

"I changed my residence for one in St. Saviourgate, near the house of G.o.d; for this I desire to be thankful, and to dedicate myself to the Lord; having sincerely sought His counsel and direction, I feel satisfied.

"Easingwold. We were much led out in prayer, that the Lord would this day bring some one to seek Him. In the evening three persons came in, one evidently desirous of salvation; may this encourage the efforts of thy handmaid to seek the benefit of the people in this place.--I feel much the absence of my dear departed husband. His memory is dear. O Lord, help me to quicken my steps to meet him in heaven. My body is trembling and feeble; but my soul is vigorous. I have to-day resigned my office of Treasurer to the Clothing Society, which I have held nearly sixteen years.--Six months since my husband entered into rest.

He is daily in my thoughts; but I see him not. I do not wish him back again; a little time will bring me to him, and I shall be as _learned_ as he. Time hastens on!--At ten o'clock Mr. C. changed worlds. Solemn hour! All the morning, I know not why, he was strongly impressed upon my mind.--I am alone, all is still, my soul feels after G.o.d. This day feed me with the riches of Thy grace, that I may abide in Thee, breathe Thy Spirit, live in Thy smile, and, like Apollos, be 'approved in Christ.'

"1854.--I would here gratefully record the mercy of G.o.d to me. I have been brought low--very low, but the Lord helped me. I felt no condemnation, yet but little sensible comfort. Many promises were constantly pa.s.sing through my mind. Thus the Lord has been leading me by a path I had not known.--I have not been to the Sanctuary yet, nor would I rest in the means; but I want a clearer manifestation. I see the scriptures hold forth more than I possess; I want to be closer knit to Jesus, that I may bring forth fruit. Have declined the presidency of the sewing meeting."

[On this resignation a letter, numerously signed by the ladies composing the meeting, was sent to her, acknowledging her services, and regretting that increasing age and infirmities had rendered it necessary. This doc.u.ment is not forthcoming, but the following is her own reply.]

"MY DEAR MRS. HOLGATE,--I sit down to acknowledge with grat.i.tude the kind note you presented me with, signed by so many kind friends, in acknowledgment of my poor services in a cause which lies near my heart. Thankful I am, that from a small beginning in our parlour, about seventeen years ago, this effort for the glorious cause of missions has flourished to this day; and that now so many hearts and hands are engaged in its operations and success. I still feel interested in its prosperity, and if I have one desire above the rest, it is that every one who a.s.sists in this good work may not only have her hands employed in it, but her heart enriched by the blessed gospel she wishes to send to heathen lands, and that every effort may have G.o.d's approving smile. I am, &c."

"I think I never felt more free to leave the world than now; and yet quite willing to wait the Lord's time, that I may be fully prepared.

"Acomb. Mrs. R. took me to see some sick persons, also some wayside hearers; 'but who is sufficient for these things?' Speak Lord, and let them hear Thy voice!--At the prayer-meeting after the service, a backslider was restored to the favour of G.o.d; I was knelt by her side, and a holy calm pervaded my heart, when suddenly my soul, as by an electric shock, was filled with confidence in the willingness and power of G.o.d to save.--Went to see some of my absent members; and pa.s.sing by Mrs. O.'s, whose husband died about a fortnight since, I called to inquire after her, and to my surprise and grief, found her in dying circ.u.mstances. She died the same evening. I fear for her; yet she used to weep, and for a time seemed in earnest. Have visited her many times in her afflictions.--Calling in at a neighbour's shop for a trifling article, I learned that the daughter was depressed in mind; I felt a desire to see her, and asked permission, which was granted.

After saying what was given me, I prayed with her, feeling sweetly a.s.sisted: when we arose from our knees she unburthened her mind, and told me she had 'grieved the Spirit' and now, not feeling His strivings, she had ceased to pray, and had given, up all. O that the Lord may bring her out of this snare of the devil!"

Hark, how they strike their harps of gold In yonder world above!