Rudin Part 21

'None.'

'Why should we be so unhappy! That abominable Pandalevsky!... You ask me, Natalya Alexyevna, what I intend to do? My head is going round--I cannot take in anything... I can feel nothing but my unhappiness... I am amazed that you can preserve such self-possession!'

'Do you think it is easy for me?' said Natalya.

Rudin began to walk along the bank. Natalya did not take her eyes off him.

'Your mother did not question you?' he said at last.

'She asked me whether I love you.'

'Well... and you?'

Natalya was silent a moment. 'I told the truth.'

Rudin took her hand.

'Always, in all things generous, n.o.ble-hearted! Oh, the heart of a girl--it's pure gold! But did your mother really declare her decision so absolutely on the impossibility of our marriage?'

'Yes, absolutely. I have told you already; she is convinced that you yourself don't think of marrying me.'

'Then she regards me as a traitor! What have I done to deserve it?' And Rudin clutched his head in his hands.

'Dmitri Nikolaitch!' said Natalya, 'we are losing our time. Remember I am seeing you for the last time. I came here not to weep and lament--you see I am not crying--I came for advice.'

'And what advice can I give you, Natalya Alexyevna?'

'What advice? You are a man; I am used to trusting to you, I shall trust you to the end. Tell me, what are your plans?'

'My plans.... Your mother certainly will turn me out of the house.'

'Perhaps. She told me yesterday that she must break off all acquaintance with you.... But you do not answer my question?'

'What question?'

'What do you think we must do now?'

'What we must do?' replied Rudin; 'of course submit.'

'Submit,' repeated Natalya slowly, and her lips turned white.

'Submit to destiny,' continued Rudin. 'What is to be done? I know very well how bitter it is, how painful, how unendurable. But consider yourself, Natalya Alexyevna; I am poor. It is true I could work; but even if I were a rich man, could you bear a violent separation from your family, your mother's anger?... No, Natalya Alexyevna; it is useless even to think of it. It is clear it was not fated for us to live together, and the happiness of which I dreamed is not for me!'

All at once Natalya hid her face in her hands and began to weep. Rudin went up to her.

'Natalya Alexyevna! dear Natalya!' he said with warmth, 'do not cry, for G.o.d's sake, do not torture me, be comforted.'

Natalya raised her head.

'You tell me to be comforted,' she began, and her eyes blazed through her tears; 'I am not weeping for what you suppose--I am not sad for that; I am sad because I have been deceived in you.... What! I come to you for counsel, and at such a moment!--and your first word is, submit!

submit! So this is how you translate your talk of independence, of sacrifice, which...'

Her voice broke down.

'But, Natalya Alexyevna,' began Rudin in confusion, 'remember--I do not disown my words--only----'

'You asked me,' she continued with new force, 'what I answered my mother, when she declared she would sooner agree to my death than my marriage to you; I answered that I would sooner die than marry any other man... And you say, "Submit!" It must be that she is right; you must, through having nothing to do, through being bored, have been playing with me.'

'I swear to you, Natalya Alexyevna--I a.s.sure you,' maintained Rudin.

But she did not listen to him.

'Why did you not stop me? Why did you yourself--or did you not reckon upon obstacles? I am ashamed to speak of this--but I see it is all over now.'

'You must be calm, Natalya Alexyevna,' Rudin was beginning; 'we must think together what means----'

'You have so often talked of self-sacrifice,' she broke in, 'but do you know, if you had said to me to-day at once, "I love you, but I cannot marry you, I will not answer for the future, give me your hand and come with me"--do you know, I would have come with you; do you know, I would have risked everything? But there's all the difference between word and deed, and you were afraid now, just as you were afraid the day before yesterday at dinner of Volintsev.'

The colour rushed to Rudin's face. Natalya's unexpected energy had astounded him; but her last words wounded his vanity.

'You are too angry now, Natalya Alexyevna,' he began; 'you cannot realise how bitterly you wound me. I hope that in time you will do me justice; you will understand what it has cost me to renounce the happiness which you have said yourself would have laid upon me no obligations. Your peace is dearer to me than anything in the world, and I should have been the basest of men, if I could have taken advantage----'

'Perhaps, perhaps,' interrupted Natalya, 'perhaps you are right; I don't know what I am saying. But up to this time I believed in you, believed in every word you said.... For the future, pray keep a watch upon your words, do not fling them about at hazard. When I said to you, "I love you," I knew what that word meant; I was ready for everything.... Now I have only to thank you for a lesson--and to say good-bye.'

'Stop, for G.o.d's sake, Natalya Alexyevna, I beseech you. I do not deserve your contempt, I swear to you. Put yourself in my position. I am responsible for you and for myself. If I did not love you with the most devoted love--why, good G.o.d! I should have at once proposed you should run away with me.... Sooner or later your mother would forgive us--and then... But before thinking of my own happiness----'

He stopped. Natalya's eyes fastened directly upon him put him to confusion.

'You try to prove to me that you are an honourable man, Dmitri Nikolaitch,' she said. 'I do not doubt that. You are not capable of acting from calculation; but did I want to be convinced of that? did I come here for that?'

'I did not expect, Natalya Alexyevna----'

'Ah! you have said it at last! Yes, you did not expect all this--you did not know me. Do not be uneasy... you do not love me, and I will never force myself on any one.'

'I love you!' cried Rudin.

Natalya drew herself up.

'Perhaps; but how do you love me? Remember all your words, Dmitri Nikolaitch. You told me: "Without complete equality there is no love."... You are too exalted for me; I am no match for you.... I am punished as I deserve. There are duties before you more worthy of you. I shall not forget this day.... Good-bye.'

'Natalya Alexyevna, are you going? Is it possible for us to part like this?'

He stretched out his hand to her. She stopped. His supplicating voice seemed to make her waver.

'No,' she uttered at last. 'I feel that something in me is broken. ... I came here, I have been talking to you as if it were in delirium; I must try to recollect. It must not be, you yourself said, it will not be.

Good G.o.d, when I came out here, I mentally took a farewell of my home, of my past--and what? whom have I met here?--a coward... and how did you know I was not able to bear a separation from my family? "Your mother will not consent... It is terrible!" That was all I heard from you, that you, you, Rudin?--No! good-bye.... Ah! if you had loved me, I should have felt it now, at this moment.... No, no, goodbye!'

She turned swiftly and ran towards Masha, who had begun to be uneasy and had been making signs to her a long while.