Three Hours after Marriage Part 21

Enter Justice Possum, and Clerk.

_Fos._ Mr. justice Possum, for now I must so call you, not brother Possum; here is a troublesome fellow with a child, which he would leave in my house.

_Pos._ Another man's child? he cannot in law.

_Fos._ It seemeth to me to be a child unlawfully begotten.

_Pos._ A b.a.s.t.a.r.d! who does he lay it to?

_Fos._ To our family.

_Pos._ Your family, _quatenus_ a family, being a body collective, cannot get a b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Is this child a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, honest friend?

_Sail._ I was neither by when his mother was show'd, nor when she was unladen; whether he belong to a fair trader, or be run goods, I cannot tell: In short here I was sent, and here I will leave him.

_Pos._ Dost then know his mother, friend?

_Sail._ I am no midwife, master; I did not see him born.

_Pos._ You had best put up this matter, doctor. A man of your years, when he has been wanton, cannot be too cautious.

_Fos._ This is all from the purpose. I was married this morning at seven; let any man in the least acquainted with the powers of nature, judge whether that human creature could be conceiv'd and brought to maturity in one forenoon.

_Pos._ This is but talk, doctor Fossile. It is well for you, though I say it, that you have fallen into the hands of a person, who has study'd the civil and canon law in the point of b.a.s.t.a.r.dy. The child is either yours or not yours.

_Foss._ My child, Mr. Justice!

_Pos._ Look ye, doctor Fossile, you confound filiation with legitimation. Lawyers are of opinion, that filiation is necessary to legitimation, but not _e contra_.

[_The child cries_

_Foss._ I would not starve any of my own species, get the infant some water-pap. But Mr. Justice----

_Pos._ The proofs, I say, doctor, of filiation are five. Nomination enunciatively p.r.o.nounc'd, strong presumptions, and circ.u.mstantial proofs--

_Foss._ What is all this to me? I tell you I know nothing of the child.

_Pos._ Signs of paternal piety, similitude of features, and commerce with the mother. And first of the first, nomination. Has the doctor ever been heard to call the infant, son?

_Town._ He has call'd him child, since he came into this room. You have indeed, Mr. Fossile.

_Pos._ Bring hither the doctor's great bible.----Let us examine in the blank leaf whether he be enroll'd among the rest of his children.

_Foss._ I tell you, I never had any children. I shall grow distracted, I shall----

_Pos._ But did you give any orders against registring the child by the name of Fossile?

_Foss._ How was it possible?

_Pos._ Set down that, clerk. He did not prohibit the registring the child in his own name. We our selves have observed one sign of fatherly tenderness; clerk, set down the water-pap he order'd just now. Come we may----

_Foss._ What a jargon is this!

_Pos._ Come we now, I say, to that which the lawyers call _magnum naturae argumentum_, similitude of features. Bring hither the child, friend; Dr.

Fossile, look upon me. The unequal circle of the infant's face, somewhat resembles the inequality of the circ.u.mference of your countenance; he has also the vituline or calf-like concavity of the profile of your visage.

_Foss._ Pish.

_Pos._ And he is somewhat beetle-brow'd, and his nose will rise with time to an equal prominence with the doctor's.

_Town._ Indeed he has somewhat of your nose Mr. Fossile.

_Foss._ Ridiculous!

_Town._ The child is comely.

_Pos._ Consider the large aperture of his mouth.

_Sail._ Nay, the tokens are plain enough. I have the fellow of him at home; but my wife told me two days ago, that this with the wall-eye and splay-foot belong'd to you, Sir.

[_Prue runs a-cross the stage with a letter, which Fossile s.n.a.t.c.hes from her._

_Fos._ Whither are you going so fast, hussy? I will examine every thing within these walls. [_Exit Prue._] [_reads._] 'For Richard Plotwell, esq;' This letter unravels the whole affair: As she is an unfortunate relation of mine, I must beg you would act with discretion.

[_Gives Possum the letter._

_Pos._ [_reads_]

'Sir, the child which you father'd is return'd back upon my hands.

Your Drury-lane friends have treated me with such rudeness, that they told me in plain terms I should be d.a.m.n'd. How unfortunate soever my offspring is, I hope you at least will defend the reputation of the unhappy

'Phoebe Clinket.'

----As you say, doctor, the case is too plain; every circ.u.mstance hits.

Enter CLINKET.

_Clink._ 'Tis very uncivil, Sir, to break open one's letters.

_Foss._ Would I had not; and that the contents of it had been a secret to me and all mankind for ever. Wretched creature, to what a miserable condition has thy poetry reduc'd thee!

_Clink._ I am not in the least mortified with the accident. I know it has happen'd to many of the most famous daughters of Apollo; and to myself several times.

_Foss._ I am thunderstruck at her impudence! several times!

_Clink._ I have had one returned upon my hands every winter for these five years past. I may perhaps be excell'd by others in judgment and correctness of manners, but for fertility and readiness of conception, I will yield to n.o.body.