Gammer Gurton's Needle Part 15

The wh.o.r.eson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives'

chairs, That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.

_Baily._ Nay, soft! thou may'st not play the knave, and have this language too!

If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do.

Confess the truth, as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable; And for thy fault I promise thee thy handling shall be reasonable.

Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?

_Diccon._ What if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years: I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.

_Baily._ The greatest thing--Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd!

_Diccon._ What devil need he be groping so deep, in goodwife Chat's hens' nest?

_Baily._ Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars.

_Diccon._ G.o.d's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?

He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a c.o.x, The cat was not so madly allured by the fox To run into the snares was set for him, doubtless; For he leapt in for mice, and this Sir John for madness.

_Doctor Rat._ Well, and ye s.h.i.+ft no better, ye losel, lither, and lazy, I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy.

In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast.

_Diccon._ What! fast at cards or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did last.

_Doctor Rat._ Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy deeds.

_Baily._ Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I must entreat you needs Some other kind of punishment.

_Doctor Rat._ Nay, by All-Hallows!

His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows.

_Baily._ That were too sore; a spiritual man to be so extreme!

_Doctor Rat._ Is he worthy any better, sir? how do you judge and deem?

_Baily._ I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great.

_Gammer._ It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat.

He has almost undone us all--that is as true as steel-- And yet for all this great ado cham never the near my nee'le!

_Baily._ Canst thou not say anything to that, Diccon, with least or most?

_Diccon._ Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say well, the nee'le is lost.

_Baily._ Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found?

_Diccon._ No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.

_Hodge._ Thou liar, lickdish, didst not say the nee'le would be gitten?

_Diccon._ No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time bes.h.i.+tten For fear of hobgoblin--you wot well what I mean; As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.

_Baily._ Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive.

Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve, If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy chance, I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance, Of this condition--where ye know my fee is twenty pence: For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense; Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun.

_Chat._ Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your debtor, And all we that be here present will love you much the better.

_Doctor Rat._ My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree, Go even to, Master Baily! let it be so for me!

_Baily._ How say'st thou, Diccon? art content this shall on me depend?

_Diccon._ Go to, Mast Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend.

_Baily._ Then mark ye well: To recompense this thy former action-- Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction-- Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach-- For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech: First, for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse, Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse; And when ye meet at one pot he shall have the first pull, And thou shalt never offer him the cup but it be full.

To goodwife that thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise, If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.

Thou shalt be bound by the same, here as thou dost take it, When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.

For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be, To help her to her needle again if it do lie in thee; And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that, To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.

Last of all, for Hodge the oath to scan, Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.

_Hodge._ Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now!

_Baily._ Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow?

_Diccon._ No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it!

Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it.

But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not bes.h.i.+t me!

[_And give him a good blow on the b.u.t.tock._

_Hodge._ Gog's heart! thou false villain, dost thou bite me?

_Baily._ What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee ere ever he begin?

_Hodge._ He thrust me into the b.u.t.tock with a bodkin or a pin.

[_He discovers the needle._ I say, gammer! gammer!

_Gammer._ How now, Hodge, how now?

_Hodge._ G.o.d's malt, gammer Gurton!

_Gammer._ Thou art mad, ich trow!

_Hodge._ Will you see the devil, gammer?

_Gammer._ The devil, son! G.o.d bless us!

_Hodge._ Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer--

_Gammer._ Marry, see, ye might dress us--