Sequential Problem Solving Part 5

Dealing With Interpersonal Conflict.

Western World values and ideas of dealing with interpersonal conflict originate in the Code of Hammarabi and the Mosaic Code.

King Solomon in the Bible, following the Ten Commandments of Moses, offers some practical suggestions for dealing with interpersonal conflict.

In Solomon's Book of Proverbs, one of Solomon's main themes is drawing a consistent distinction between the wise man and the foolish man. He characterizes a foolish man as someone who neither asks for advise nor accepts it. He further characterizes the foolish man as someone who is scornful, divisive, quarrelsome, and mocking of other's efforts with cynicism and sarcasm.

Solomon's advise for dealing with scornful people has three steps. The first step is to try counseling with them in private, one on one.

Failing that, the second step is to counsel with them again, but with two people, together, advising the third. The final step is to cease relations.

Solomon's three steps are seen today in practical statesmans.h.i.+p. We should remember that today's enemy is tomorrow's friend. Member nations of the United Nations generally apply this same three-step plan that ends in economic sanctions being applied by the United Nations as a whole. Sometimes even ceasing relations with another is not enough and force of arms must be taken to protect weaker neighbors from aggression.

Whether with neighbors or nations, armed conflict is ultimately sorrowful. It is an admission that patient diplomacy and logic have not been successful. It is premeditated violence to protect the weak.

Many people, still developing in religious maturity and understanding, feel torment when violence is necessary, because their religious understanding does not extend beyond helping "all" others. It is a question of who is helped and why. Some people too choose to pa.s.s from this life as martyrs. Others feel compelled to stay until the end and protect the weak like a shepherd keeping predatory dogs away from the helpless lambs. There may be a time for each course of action.

The confusion between religion and forcing our will on others is caused by our understanding of what helping others means. If we help others to hurt someone, we become harmful ourselves. We become "Enablers" [1] to those hurting others. Without our consent, the aggressor could not have taken advantage of his weaker neighbor.

The Eastern religions, particularly Zen Buddhism, which is intimately a.s.sociated with the Samurai warrior of j.a.pan, take great care to teach tranquility and self-control in the use of force. Anger is not a part of thoughtful action.

Aikido, The Way of Harmony, teaches tranquility in the use of force, and compares it to the calm in the eye of a hurricane.[2]

The great Christian pastor, Dietrich Bonhoffer, pointed out that "just causes" for anger did not exist in the earliest accounts of Christ's Sermon on the Mount.[3]

Dealing with Interpersonal Conflict.

1. Miller, Angelyn. The Enabler. -- When Helping Harms the Ones You Love. New York Ballentine Books, 1988.

2. Stevens, John. Abundant Peace -- the Biography of Morehei Ues.h.i.+ba, the founder of Aikido. Boston: Shambhala, 1987

3. Bobhoeffer, Dietrich. The Cost of Disciples.h.i.+p. New York: Macmillan, 1963.

Interpersonal Problem Solving:

Drama and literary a.n.a.lysis as a tool in personal problem solving.

The structure of Aristotle's Pentad [1] for five act plays is useful as a framework for solving personal problems.

1. Who is the hero? What are his weaknesses? How is he likely to fall?

2. Who is the villain? Is the villain another person, nature or society?

3. What external events lead to the climax with the villain?

4. How does the climax with the villain turn out?

5. What did the hero learn about his own internal weaknesses in the encounter with the villain?

This five part framework is useful in separating the external foes we face from the internal conflicts that are our weaknesses.

External Conflicts.

External conflicts are usually found to involve either another man, nature or society. In the man versus man conflict, another person is the adversary. In the man versus nature conflict, the adversary might be a hurricane, or the rigors involved in climbing a mountain. In the man versus society conflict, the opponent might be industrial organizations or lobby groups advocating nuclear waste disposal in the ocean.

The man versus self conflict, such as a man facing a crisis of courage, is an internal conflict.

Internal Conflicts.

Internal conflicts are man versus himself and man versus G.o.d conflicts.

The man versus G.o.d occurs when a person violates his conscience and does something that he knows to be wrong. Many religions advocate resolving the man versus G.o.d conflict by admission of wrongdoing and rest.i.tution to those harmed. There may be some people that have no conscience, and the internal conflicts they face are not, as yet, well understood.[2] Those people without a conscience are a continuing source of grief for humanity and that problem is discussed in the section on dealing with "unattached people."

The second type of internal conflict, the man versus self conflict exhibit certain human character weaknesses that can be identified with the acronym FALL: fear, arrogance, laziness, and loneliness.

Loneliness is often caused by a combination of several of the other three common human weaknesses, for instance, fear and laziness: fear of rejection while trying to find new friends and laziness in making the attempt.

Fear is a very common weakness and is related to our needs. Abraham Maslow[3] cla.s.sified these needs as follows:

1. Physical safety.

2. Food and shelter.

3. Love or belonging -- the need to love and be loved.

4. Career -- the need to be successful at something.