Continuous Vaudeville Part 23

_Maid_: A lady waits without.

_Master_: Without what?

_Maid_: Without food or raiment.

_Master_: Give her food and bring her hither.

The cost of high living has evidently not struck Philadelphia yet; for in the window of a little store on North Ninth Street there is a sign--"A gla.s.s bowl--a goldfish--a tadpole and one seaweed--all for 8 cents."

There must have been a crook around New York this winter, for hanging up over the workmen's lockers in the garage where I keep my car is a sign saying--

"_Keep Out. We Mourn Our Loss._"

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE PERILS OF A GREAT CITY

At the corner of 44th Street and Broadway, New York, the street car tracks, in making the turn, swing in quite near to the curb; in fact, there is just room enough for a single vehicle to drive between them.

One night as my wife and I were driving down in our automobile we reached this corner just as an uptown car and a downtown car were meeting there. The uptown car stopped to let off a pa.s.senger. The downtown car slowed down, so as not to run down anyone coming around the back of the uptown car. And, not to be outdone in caution, we slowed down also.

An old Irish lady got off the uptown car. She had an armful of bundles, and had on a sailor hat, with no hat pins in it; so that she had to keep tossing her head to keep it balanced and straight. She walked around the back of the uptown car--just in season to walk in front of the downtown car. The motorman sounded his bell, "_Bang! Bang!_" The old lady gave a yell and a jump--and landed right in front of our car. I sounded the horn, "_Squawk! Squawk!_" and she gave another yell and another jump, off to the side, and the sailor hat fell off, right in front of our car.

The old lady started to go back for the hat; I slammed on the brakes and threw out the clutch. When I threw out the clutch the engine raced for a moment--"_W-h-i-r-r-r-r!_" Again the old lady yelled and jumped back.

And standing in the gutter, she shook her fist at me and screamed--

"_---- ---- you, don't you boomp me!_"

"Go on and get your hat," I said, "I won't b.u.mp you."

Cautiously she stooped over and reached for the hat. And at that moment a messenger boy on a bicycle came tearing around the corner out of 44th Street, and struck the old lady where she was, at that moment, the most prominent. In an instant boy--old lady--bicycle--bundles and sailor hat were all mussed up together in the gutter. She had dodged two trolley cars and an automobile, only to be run down by a boy on a bicycle.

As I drove on, I gave one glance back; and the bundles, hat and bicycle lay in the gutter, while the boy was on the dead run up Broadway with the old lady after him.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN SIGNS?

(These are all actual signs that I have come across in my travels.)

Paterson, N. J. "Henry Worms. Vegetables."

Chicago. "I. D. Kay. Fresh Vegetables."

Brooklyn, N. Y. "Kick, the Printer."

Pittsburg, Pa. "Daub, the Painter."

Dalton, Ga. "Tapp, the Jeweler."

Was.h.i.+ngton, D. C. "Shake, the Grocer."

Oakland, Cal. "Fake, Jeweler."

Philadelphia. "Dr. Aker, Dentist."

Oakland, Cal. "Dr. Muchmore, Dentist."

New York, N. Y. "Mr. Champoo, Dentist."

Chicago. "Artificial Eyes. Open all Night."

Seattle, Wash. "Artificial Limbs. Walk In."

Buffalo, N. Y. "English & Irish. Furniture."

Denver, Colo. "Painless Dyeing."

Salt Lake City. "Come In: The Soda Water's Fine."

Oakland, Cal. "Letts-Love, Florists."

Seattle, Wash. "Dr. Fixott, Dentist."

Boston. "B. Stiller, Photographer."

Boston. "Dr. Capwell, Dentist."

Hartford, Conn. "Best & Smart, Dry Goods."

Boston. "Neal & Pray, Religious Publications."

Newark, N. J. A millinery store announces--"We Trim Free of Charge."

San Francisco. "Coats, Pants & Vests, one half off."

Denver. "The Rothchild Cigar. Ten cents or two for a quarter."

Paterson, N. J. "Coffins made and repaired."