Why Marry? Part 63

LUCY

Yes, the musicians are to be stationed in the library.

JUDGE

Excellent, excellent. [_Indicates tables and festoons._] All that junk will help, too. A good Sunday supper this evening, Lucy; your best champagne, John--gay spirits, family affection, warm approval, toasts to the future. Why, all we'll have to do is--[_Breaks off._] Here they come. Now follow my lead. They've done a lot of thinking since you saw them last, but--make one misstep and it's all off.

LUCY

Be nice to her, John. It was just a girlish impulse.

[_JOHN opens arms to receive HELEN._

JOHN

My sister! All is forgiven.

HELEN

[_stops short, her lip curls_]

_You_ forgive _me_?

[_Before JOHN can reply, THEODORE and ERNEST follow, talking._

ERNEST

But I tell you he had a perfect right to put me off his property. The thing I can't overlook--[_Sees JOHN and LUCY. Points finger at them accusingly._] Theodore has told me what you thought.... Please don't judge us by yourselves again--you licentious-minded married people!

[_He shrugs his shoulders with fastidious disgust and turns his back upon them._

JOHN

[_gasping_]

Well, I'll be d.a.m.ned.

JUDGE

[_whispers_]

Stand for it--he's right.

THEODORE

But Ernest ... I'm bound to say when two people run away together----

ERNEST

Ah, Theodore! you, too? Are all married people alike? Did we want to "run away" as you call it? Did we not ask for a week to think it over?

Did we not stipulate that in any case we must frankly face the family first? But this person--what did he do? he ordered us off his property, like trespa.s.sers! What could we do? Sit down in the road and wait a week? Bah! we went home--you suspicious married people, you hypocritical, unspeakable married people! [_JUDGE has difficulty in restraining JOHN._] Why, I believe our good friend the Judge here is the only decent-minded, properly married person on your property.

JOHN

[_bursting out_]

Decent-minded--why, he's div----

[_LUCY stops him._

JUDGE

[_steps in_]

Dev-oted to his wife. Lucy is jealous of what I'm doing for my wife.

[_Controls laughter._] Now come, we must all just let bygones be bygones. We know your intentions are honorable, your courage admirable; and for whatever was amiss in word, deed, or thought, we all humbly apologize--don't we, John? [_JOHN bows uncomfortably._] Lucy? Theodore?

And now I want you all to tell Ernest and Helen what you told me--that their arguments against marriage are unanswerable, their logic unimpeachable, and we no longer have the slightest intention or desire to get them divorced by matrimony. [_JOHN, THEODORE, and LUCY look dubious. JUDGE crosses over and pinches them. HELEN and ERNEST are utterly bewildered._] Why, we wouldn't let a little thing like marriage come between them for the world, would we, John? would we, Lucy? would we, Theodore?

JOHN

[_with an effort_]

I agree with Uncle Everett entirely.

JUDGE

And you, Theodore?

THEODORE

[_in a low voice_]

Perfectly.