Why Marry? Part 70

We never have mosquitoes here. You must have been mistaken.

[_The servants are pa.s.sing in and out of house with courses. The BUTLER now brings a telegram to JUDGE._

JUDGE

From Julia! [_Tears it open eagerly, reads, and then shouts._] She's coming back to me, she's coming back! Look at that, look at that!

[_Jumps up and shows telegram to JOHN. Then taking it around to LUCY he sings to tune of "Merrily we roll along"_:

Aunt Julia is coming back Coming back--coming back Aunt Julia is coming back Coming back from Reno.

HELEN

[_laughing_]

From Reno? That sounds like divorce, Uncle Everett.

JUDGE

Like divorce? Does that sound like divorce? [_Takes telegram from LUCY and hands it to HELEN._] Read it aloud.

HELEN

[_reading_]

"Dear boy, I can't stand it, either. Come to me or I go to you."

JUDGE

[_sings during the reading_]

Coming back from Reno. [_Breaks off--to HELEN._] So you thought we wanted a divorce, did you?

[Ill.u.s.tration: _From a photograph by White Studio._

JUDGE: We thought we believed in trial marriage. Nothing of the sort--trial separation! What marriage put asunder divorce has joined together.]

HELEN

I never dreamed of such a thing.

JUDGE

[_looks at her a moment, then in a burst_]

Well, _I_ did. The dream of my life--your Aunt Julia's, too. We thought we believed in trial marriage, but we don't--we believe in trial _separation_!

THEODORE

[_uncomfortably_]

They thought they didn't love each other, but they do, you see.

JUDGE

We don't, we don't, but we can't get along without each other ... got the habit of having each other around and can't break it.... This morning I telegraphed: "Are you doing this just for my sake?" She replied, "Tutti-frutti." [_Sings._] Aunt Julia's coming back. Oh, I'm too happy to eat. [_Singing, while others eat and drink_:

Coming back, coming back, Aunt Julia is coming back Coming back from Reno.

And I don't care who knows it. The more the better for marriage. The truth--give me more truth, give me more--champagne. [_BUTLER fills gla.s.s as JUDGE raises it._] Here's to your Aunt Julia, the best wife--I ever had. [_All rise, drink, laugh, and sit down._] And I'll never, never get another.... You know I thought maybe I might. Oh, Everett, Everett, you sly dog, you old idiot you!

JOHN

[_arises, clearing throat, tapping on gla.s.ses for silence_]

And now, speaking of divorce, I have an engagement to announce. [_Some laughter but all quiet down. He smiles at JEAN._] Of course, you can't guess whose. Friends, it is my privilege to announce the engagement of my good friend Rex Baker to my dear sister Jean. [_Gentle applause and congratulations. Music begins._] And so I will now ask all to arise and drink to the health and prosperity of my little sister and my brother-in-law to be! And my best wish is that they will be as happy as my better half and me. [_All cheer and drink health standing._] Speech, Rex!

[_Some of them playfully try to put him on his feet._

REX

[_shaking his head and maintaining his seat_]

I can't make a speech. I'm too happy for words--See-what-I-mean?

HELEN

[_in a low, significant tone_]

Jean, aren't you going to say something?

JEAN

[_arises, all silent, she looks at LUCY, REX, JOHN_]