My Neighbor Raymond Part 22

"I haf shtudy te human heard; I am most egsberd in physsionomique."

"What do you say, monsieur le baron?"

"I say I am ein egsberd in physsionomique."

"I don't understand at all."

"In physsionomique."

"Oh! you mean physiognomy."

Monsieur le baron turned on his heel, without a smile. The best way to rid one's self of a foreigner is to pretend not to understand him.

Meanwhile my little dialogue with Monsieur de Witcheritche had caused me to miss Monsieur Crachini's romanza. I was sorry, for he always combined with his singing an expressive pantomime which made it doubly interesting. While various other amateurs entertained the company, I looked about for Raymond; for being unable to find a seat beside Madame de Marsan, I was anxious to obtain some information concerning her, and my neighbor was the very man to give me that.

He was not in the salon. I went into the smaller room, where my entrance brought to an abrupt close a whispered conversation between Vauvert and a fair-haired lady who had been in the dining room an hour, looking for her shawl amid a mult.i.tude of bonnets, mantles, and shawls which were tossed pell-mell on the bed of the host and hostess.

"Are you leaving us already?" said Vauvert, in a melting voice, glancing behind him to see if his wife was coming.

"Yes, it's very late; I must go home."

"My nephew will escort you.--Friquet! Friquet!"

Friquet appeared, and swore between his teeth at having to escort the blonde lady; he spent an interminable time looking for his hat and exclaiming in the lady's ears that it was a nuisance to go out so late and go home with everybody. His uncle pulled his ears, and I joined Raymond, who was exhaling his vexation at the dressing room window.

"Aren't you going to sing, neighbor?"

"Is it possible to do anything here, I should like to know? Did you ever see such confusion? such disorder? I don't know where I am! I've told Vauvert a hundred times to draw up a programme and paste it on a mirror; then everything would go off in an orderly way. But, no; he won't listen to anything! he amuses himself pinching and squeezing such little girls as he can find in the corners, instead of attending to his concert."

"It is certainly true that it might be managed better."

"The idea of giving us a concerto for the 'cello that there's no end to; just to grate on our ears! And then, I don't care what you may say, a woman who plays the 'cello is always absurd! It reminds me of a man darning stockings; and madame la baronne would do much better to stay at home and darn hers than execute _staccatos_ and _arpeggios_."

"What do you say? a baroness darn stockings?"

"Oh! nonsense! a pretty baron he makes! I saw him the other day on Boulevard du Temple, buying apples at a sou a bag; and he was haggling too! He bought sausage by the yard for his dinner; and someone who's been at his house told me that they gave him gooseberries for refreshment! But this Vauvert's a star! he tries to make us believe that he entertains princes, amba.s.sadors perhaps! whereas his house is a veritable Noah's Ark."

"By the way, you seem to know Madame de Marsan?"

"Madame de Marsan? yes, to be sure; I go to her parties. She's a fine woman, rather a flirt, as you must have seen; but she has wit and good breeding and style; she's a woman who calls herself twenty-eight, and is really thirty-two. She is known to have had several pa.s.sions; but as she doesn't advertise them and is always regardful of decorum, there's nothing to say: morals before everything. The husband is a good sort of fellow, very sharp, they say, when his own interests are concerned. He's in business; but he's not one of those poor devils who run about for a fortnight to discount a note which will be worth a commission of seven or eight francs to them; or one of those who offer you with an air of mystery houses that are advertised in the _Pet.i.ts-Affiches_. This fellow knows what he's about, and makes a lot of money. He has a fine country house, beyond Saint-Denis, in which madame has had a pretty little theatre arranged; in fact, I am to act there very soon. She's a valuable acquaintance; for there's lots of fun at her house. I myself have been there twice, and I know that they think a great deal of me. If you choose, my dear fellow, I'll take you there; if introduced by me, you will be warmly welcomed."

"Thanks; but, as you know, I don't like to be presented in that way."

Raymond left me, to return to the piano; he had not lost all hope of getting himself heard. I knew all that I wanted to know concerning Madame de Marsan. I returned to the salon. I had reason to believe that the lady was questioning my neighbor about me, and I knew that I need not be afraid of losing her good opinion through Raymond's description of me, for he was one of those men who like to pretend that they have none but the most desirable acquaintances. I was in comfortable circ.u.mstances, and he had probably represented me as very wealthy; I was born of respectable parents, and he had probably placed me in one of the oldest families in France; and so on. To be sure, Madame de Marsan might have been told that I was fickle, inconstant, treacherous; but those failings never do a man any harm with the ladies.

A selection had just been performed on the harp; the performer had made but one mistake, had had to tune her instrument but twice, and had broken but four strings; we had no cause of complaint. Raymond had left Madame de Marsan, to find an accompanist, and threatened, if he failed in his quest, to accompany himself; by dint of hunting, urging, and entreating, he succeeded in bringing young Martin to the piano; he began to cough and expectorate, changed the position of the candles, ordered the windows to be closed, and struck an att.i.tude supposed to represent Joconde. But a murmur arose on all sides; the young women ran to Monsieur Vauvert, the young men surrounded his wife; they had been promised a contradance; it was almost twelve o'clock, and if it was postponed any longer there would be no dancing. The hosts acceded to the prayers of their younger guests.

"We are going to dance!" shouted Vauvert, as the court bailiff cries: "Silence, please!"

Instantly everything was in a ferment in the salon; the young men hastened to engage partners, the chairs were moved away to make room, and the guests who did not dance were requested to retire to the corners.

Raymond stood at the piano with his mouth open; he thought that he must be mistaken; he could not believe his eyes; I believe that he was actually going to begin his aria; but instead of the prelude from _Joconde_, young Martin struck up a figure of Pantalon. My neighbor could not digest this final blow; he seized his music in a hand which shook with wrath, and, thrusting it under his arm, rushed across the salon like a madman, colliding with the dancers, and receiving kicks from the young men who were in the act of balancing to partners; I am convinced, however, that he did not feel them.

"Monsieur Raymond is going away in a rage," observed a lady to Madame Vauvert, with a laugh; a lady whose hair was dressed _a la_ Ninon, but had lost its curl and was floating in the air in long wisps, although she had taken the precaution not to remove her curl papers until she was on the staircase.

"Bah! I don't care for that," replied Madame Vauvert; "he bores us to death with his songs, and with the poetry he insists on reading to us; it's always the same thing!"

At that moment, Raymond, whom I supposed to have left the house, appeared at the door of the salon and called out angrily:

"My hat, Madame Vauvert, I want my hat, where is it? It's a lamentable fact that one can never find one's things in your house."

"Pardi! your hat isn't lost.--Mon Dieu! I don't see my cat! I put her on a chair by the fireplace. Why did anyone move her--poor Moumoute? The door of the landing is often open; she's gone out, and she'll be stolen!--Moumoute! Moumoute!"

The dancing continued, no heed being paid to Madame Vauvert's lamentations and Raymond's demands; the dancers were determined to compensate themselves, by a moment's enjoyment, for several hours of ennui; and those who were afraid that their turn might not come took the precaution to move back the hands of the clock while Vauvert's back was turned and his wife was looking for her cat.

I invited Madame de Marsan, and after much ceremony she consented to dance with me.

"What an extraordinary house!" she said to me.

"I find it delightful, since I have met you here."

"But as it is probable that you will not meet me here again, and as I desire to see you again, I trust, monsieur, that you will do me the honor of coming to listen to a little music at my house."

I accepted, as may be imagined; and after the dance was over, I prowled about the husband, with whom I entered into conversation. I talked of speculation, houses, chateaux, and the stock market with him; I took pains, without ostentation, to mention my name, to speak of my family and my means. In any other house, I should not have done so; but in such a mixed a.s.semblage, I was not anxious that he should place me on a level with people, who, although very estimable no doubt, were nothing more than that; and in the opinion of many men that is not sufficient distinction. On the whole, I was satisfied that Monsieur de Marsan found me rather agreeable; it is so easy to catch people by the sensitive spot--that is to say, when they have one.

When young women begin to dance, it is much the same as when a poet begins to recite his verses: there is no reason why they should ever stop. But Madame Vauvert, thinking that they were making too much noise, and afraid of angering her landlord, had already said several times:

"This will be the last."

But the last never came to an end.

Friquet, who had returned in high dudgeon because he had been obliged to escort a lady home, stole behind the dancers and looked at the clock; then he hastened to inform his uncle that the hands had been set back, so that they marked only twelve o'clock when it was nearly one. Vauvert consulted his watch, saw that his nephew was right, and concluded that it was inc.u.mbent on him to show some resolution, and that his dignity required him to turn his guests out of doors at once.

He immediately extinguished the lamps in the four corners of the salon, leaving only a few candles lighted; and the young men were about to extinguish them as well, and thus make the scene more amusing, when Vauvert took possession of them and harangued the company thus:

"I have already told you that it is time to go; my wife is indisposed, and I am surprised that anyone should continue to dance against our wishes."

This courteous speech made everybody laugh, and they hurried into the dressing room to prepare for departure. But there the confusion and disorder reached their climax. The ladies called for their shawls, mantles, bonnets, and slippers; the singers demanded their music or their instruments; they made mistakes, and many could not find what they wanted; the young men hovered about the ladies, on the pretext of a.s.sisting them, but really because such crushes are most propitious to lovers and amateurs. One tied a ribbon, another put on an overshoe, another held a little foot while the slipper was being removed. Amid the tumult, mothers called their daughters, husbands their wives, brothers their sisters. But those ladies were far too busy to answer. They were whispering, squeezing hands, making appointments, arranging other meetings; in truth, the moment of departure is not that at which the guests enjoy themselves least.

I tried to save Madame de Marsan the trouble of looking for her shawl in that crowd; I went into the bedroom, and succeeded, not without difficulty, in reaching the bed, on which the bonnets and wraps were piled; my hand, seeking a shawl, came in contact with a firm and well-rounded form, which I was not seeking, but which I embraced as a matter of habit, and because I thought that it belonged to a lady with whom I was very intimate. But the lady, who was stooping over the bed, and whose back only could I see, turned suddenly. Horror! it was not she whom I thought! I proceeded to entangle myself in apologies, but she gave me a most tender and amiable smile, which seemed to invite me to continue. Faith! I admit that I should not have expected it on the part of the lady in question, who, in the salon, played the prude, the straitlaced, stern moralist. Trust appearances, who will! I have already said that I never would; but a great many people say that, and still allow themselves to be deceived.

At last everyone had succeeded in finding what he or she sought.

Friquet, who was anxious to go to bed, had been standing a long while on the landing, candle in hand, ready to light us downstairs. As for the master and mistress of the house, they had manifested clearly enough their desire to see the last of us; so we started down. It was quite a little procession; everyone took the hand of his favorite and descended the stairs, laughing heartily over the evening's entertainment. The young men were very noisy, because Vauvert had urged them to be silent on account of his neighbors. On the second floor, a young man upset the candlestick that Friquet carried, and we found ourselves in utter darkness.

We all roared with laughter. The mammas scolded the perpetrator of the mischief, the young ladies did the same, but I have reason to believe that many of them were not very angry.

"Idiot! he's always doing such things!" Vauvert shouted at his nephew from the top of the stairs.