Mr. Punch in Bohemia Part 9

Scene: _Fas.h.i.+onable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale._--

_Amateur Collector_ (_after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2_). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy it. Is it not a fine t.i.tian?"

_Expert No. 2_ (_wis.h.i.+ng to please both parties_). "I don't think you can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a t.i.tian it's a repe-t.i.tion."]

ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS

If the cap fits, wear it--out.

Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve.

None so deaf as those who won't hear--hear! hear!

Faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either.

Civility costs nothing--nay, is something to your credit.

The best of friends must part--their hair.

Any port in a storm--but old port preferred.

One good turn deserves another--in waltzing.

Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick.

"LEADING STRINGS."--Those of a first violin in an orchestra.

TOBACCO STOPPERS.--Men who stay to smoke.

SMOKER'S PROVERB.--It's an ill weed that blows n.o.body any good.

A _TIDY_ DRINK.--_Neat_ brandy.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Amateur_ "_Minimus Poet_" (_who has called at the office twice a week for three months_). "Could you use a little poem of mine?"

_Editor_ (_ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit_).

"Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of gla.s.s, and a hole in the skylight. How large is it?"]

MOTTO FOR A SUB-EDITOR.--"Aut _scissors_, aut nullus."

_To find the value of a Cook._--Divide the services rendered by the wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will help you to the result.

_To find the value of a Friend._--Ask him to put his name to a bill.

_To find the value of Time._--Travel by a Bayswater omnibus.

_To find the value of Eau de Cologne._--Walk into Smithfield market.

_To find the value of Patience._--Consult Bradshaw's _Guide_ to ascertain the time of starting of a railway train.

NOTE BY A SOCIAL CYNIC.--They may abolish the "push" stroke at billiards, but they'll never do so in society.

FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE (_still dodging custody_).--_Q._ Why is a daily paper like a lamb? _A._ Because it is always folded.

[Ill.u.s.tration: DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.--_Hostess_ (_to new Curate_). "We seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of a sportsman?"

_Curate._ "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I used to collect b.u.t.terflies; but I have to give up even _that_ now!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SHAKSPEARE ILl.u.s.tRATED

"The G.o.ds confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"

_Antony and Cleopatra_, Act II., Sc. 5.]

"STILL WATERS."--Whiskies.

ART CRITICISM.--In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre.

THE ADVERTISER'S PARADISE.--Puffin Island.