Epistles from Pap: Letters from the man known as 'The Will Rogers of Indiana' Part 19

A SPECIALIST IN FAs.h.i.+ON REFORM

April 2, 1951 Beymer & Beymer Lakin, Kansas Attention: Mr. Clyde Beymer Jr.

My dear Mr. Beymer: On March 23, 1951, I wrote my nephew in California by Air Mail concerning the proposed sale of our quarter section in Kearny County.

I look back. When I was about the right age for such things, my father's $12 to $15 suits and 10 cents socks, especially the latter, looked pretty common to me. Also a lot of other things about him and the family generally. I expressed as much. At first he paid no attention. I persisted. He wakened one day with this:

"I've been thinking about your case a good deal. You seem to have the making of a fine merchant tailor and big city haberdasher.

I've accordingly made arrangements. Next September you are going to a Military School (in those days considered more or less of a high cla.s.s reform school) where they all dress alike, and where you can do them a lot of good in dress reform. So get ready."

And you know, after graduation there in 1899, on coming home, and thereafter, Pap's 10 cent black socks and unvarying gray suits got to looking better and better as the few remaining years went by. . .

Respectfully,

SKIP THE 'HEARTS AND HANDS'

October 22, 1951 Hemphill, Noyes, Graham, Parsons & Co.

15 Broad Street New York 5, N.Y.

Gentlemen: I am just in receipt of a faded and washed-out 8x12" sheet of paper . . . that at first glance would seem to indicate I am now the proud owner of 100 shares of the common stock of Dun & Bradstreet, Inc., but subject to enough whereases, to-wits, here inserts, and/ors, etc., as to make me wonder just what it is I do have. . .I say "faded and washed-out." That is a true Churchillian understatement. I feel rather sure some of the Dun or Bradstreet children must have thrown my whatever-it-is in the creek back of their house where it has laid immersed since Oct.

2, 1951, the date I was supposed to have bought 100 shares of D&B.

Said certificate bears this hopeful imprint near the top-- "TEMPORARY CERTIFICATE: Exchangeable for Engraved Certificate when ready for delivery." That is more or less encouraging but a bit vague. Who or what is referred to in that statement of readiness--the Company, or me, or the Engraved Certificates after they get dried-out from being in the creek too?

The above reminds me of the marriage license situation in Indiana. Here, prospective brides and grooms appear together before the Clerks of the various Circuit Courts to make out preliminary papers and then buy their licenses. The State furnishes a plain, printed 8x12 license for $1.50. That one is authoritative and originally intended to end the fee then and there. But our Clerks of today are away ahead on Court House psychology. And anybody who has ever been a groom knows grooms are totally non compes mentis on such occasions. So here is what happens to them. . . The affable Clerk says nothing about the $1.50 license, but with solemn and measured tread goes to the safe, which is always in plain view, fumbles with the combination and, after a bit more fumbling in the dark recesses of the safe, as solemnly returns with three s.h.i.+ny, crackling parchment rolls of different lengths--a 10x14 lithographed Sheaf of Wheat with the usual recitals in scroll, price $5; a 12x18 Gates-Ajar beauty with even more scrollwork, price $10; and a magnificent 16x24 Heart and Hand master License, with a beautiful red heart just over the clasped hands, and endlessly scrolled, price $15--something I knew you fine young citizens of our County would want the moment I first saw you come in the door," etc. . . .

But to get back. Would you please enlighten me as to just what I do have, and what, if anything, I can expect in the future, and when? If you are on speaking terms with any of the Messrs. Dun & Bradstreet, tell 'em your corn-fed Hoosier customer, while considerably puzzled with what he has, is onto the County Clerk's racket in Indiana, and he doesn't want any Heart and Hand permanent D&B Certificate, but just an uninundated one the Company furnishes, and he wants it free, including postage both for the new Certificate and the return of the water-soaked variety--although he doesn't think the latter is worth return postage. . .

Yours, for readable Certificates--for free,

FAST THINKING IN A REVOLVING DOOR

February 5, 1952 Mrs. Cecil Harden Member, House of Representatives Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C.

My dear Mrs. Harden: Having been a Member of the Indiana Legislature years ago, I know what it is to receive letters, memorials, pet.i.tions and remonstrances from "the best const.i.tuency in the World," as your remote predecessor, "Red" Purnell, used to say. I wanted to know who they were and what sort of axes they had to grind. Hence, here is a short pedigree of your correspondent. I live in Greencastle; am a farmer, small town banker (Russellville Bank), married, 6 children--5 of them girls, Presbyterian, Notary Public, Democrat, can balance diced potatoes on my knife with the best of them, and encountered my first revolving door at Tiffany's in New York City in the year 1905.

This last was due to the fact "Red" and I had gone to New York to show the effete East just what sort of young manhood the Mid-west was producing, and hoped to impress them accordingly. Vain hope.

"Red" was engaged to Elizabeth (his wife). I was to be "best man." On the train enroute, "Red" decided he had to get Elizabeth a silver spoon with the name "Tiffany" on it. After riding up 5th Avenue on one of those busses that had a spiral stairway at the back leading up to the open air top (it was January and we were up there alone of course), the better to get the panoramic view, we alighted. . . "Red," being the prospective purchaser, led the way to said door and into it--and came around and right back again. At Indiana University I had taken a course in Public Speaking with the ultimate object of supplanting Senator Beveridge and William J. Bryan on the speaker's platform. In this course, Prof. Clapp had stressed "learning to think with lightning speed on your feet." There I was on my feet and eager to demonstrate that father had not sold shoat after shoat in vain, for my educational expenses. With lightning rapidity I diagnosed the error and went in and stayed in. "Red" made it his next try.

The above was intended to be short but something led me to think about "Red", and away I went.

I want to call your attention to a matter . . .

Why don't you come to Greencastle one of these days and come to see us? I don't believe we've had a Congressman regularly in the house since "Red" Purnell used to infest us. It would advance our social position.

Yours, for social advancement, and a change in the top brackets there in Was.h.i.+ngton next Fall,

A Pa.s.s

June 23, 1952 Honorable George W. Henley Citizens Trust Building Bloomington, Indiana

My dear George: A Monon Railroad pa.s.s? Manna from Bloomington! . . . I am tremendously pleased and thankful for your kindness and thoughtfulness in this matter. I don't want to sound egotistical but I think I am known as the "Railroad man" of these parts, and as such, I have been asked if I carried pa.s.ses, among them of course, if I had a Monon pa.s.s. Naturally it was none of the asker's business, but when in telling I had none, it was a trifle embarra.s.sing and caused a sort of wonderment on the part of the inquirer, because, among other things, I never failed during the years when talking at the University or the various Service Clubs to get in a thought as to how the Railroads were being imposed upon and receiving very unfair treatment at the hands of the Legislature and Public generally. I think it has paid off, because after these long years, our and bordering Senators and Representatives in the Legislature have been inclined very generally to protect the Railroads. Not always, but quite generally.

Please be a.s.sured I do not want any paying employment at the hands of the Monon. I have virtually retired and turned things over to my son, who is Prosecutor here. I just handle a bit of probate work--old clients. . .

Cordially,

A MODEST FAMILY ART SHOWING

July 30, 1952 American Telephone and Telegraph Company 195 Broadway New York 7, N.Y.

Gentlemen: Under date of July 21, 1952, three of my family and I subscribed for a total of $5,900 of your 3% debentures. . . On July 26, I received a telephone call from your New York office saying you had received the subscription. The woman to whom I talked answered in detail all the information I had asked for, clearly, distinctly, concisely and to the exact point. She was a whiz.

A short time ago I found myself a trifle out of place in the midst of an enthusiastic discussion of Art, art galleries, beautiful paintings, elusive smiles, precious lights and shadows, inconceivable imagination and some superlatives far, far beyond my ken. Suffice to say, in my corn-fed Hoosier simplicity an engraved Certificate for 100 shares of American Telephone and Telegraph is about the prettiest picture I have seen.

Therefore, patiently antic.i.p.ating a very modest October private family showing of Art at its best, as I see it, I remain Respectfully,

JUDGING BY THE DAMPNESS

September 16, 1952 The First National Bank of Chicago Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sirs, I am herewith enclosing 3 certificates of the Capital Stock of Standard Oil Company (New Jersey) as follows . . . It is my request that the above certificates be combined into one . . .

It may be I should have sent these certificates to the Transfer Agent rather than you, but . . . I feel more at home with your Bank, for, let it be known, I am still a part of Russellville Bank in this County. As head janitor of that Inst.i.tution in the mid-90's, we opened an account with your good Bank, and it is still open. Later I rose to such responsibility therein I was permitted to write with pen and ink (Arnold's Ink in earthenware bottles or jugs) Russellville Bank's Letters of Transmittal to your Bank. That done, I would carry said letter back behind the safe to the "letter press," open the thin sheeted copy book and . . . lay my letter face up below a clean sheet. I would then pick up the 3 gallon bucket and go to the town pump down the street toward the railroad and get a fresh bucket of water. Next I would put a rectangular piece of cloth made for the purpose into the bucket of water and then squeeze it to a proper stage of dampness. Then spread it over the clean sheet . . . Then close the copy book and put it in the press and start revolving the wheel of said press much like the old time brakeman would "set"

the brake on a box car before the advent of air brakes. The process would give us a copy of said letter of transmittal and at the same time a questionable policy of insurance against you big city Banker slickers claiming you never received a check of correction from Butler Brothers to our local general store, Inge, Ross & Co.

It is true that success of operation in all of this did depend in a minor way on getting the component parts in proper order--a boy had to be alert at all times, as was becoming a future teller and money changer, but the real artistry and measure of responsibility lay in getting the proper dampness in the cloth.

If too wet, the ink of the letter spread to h.e.l.l and gone. If too dry, the st.u.r.dy dependable Arnold's Ink made no impression on the clean sheet.

You who read this may have become disgusted with all this old time stuff long before now and said to yourselves, "Why all this junk when the main idea is to get a new Certificate?" The answer is I got a bit retrospective as I was writing. I got back to the $2 a week days when father insisted I save at least 10 cents a week out of that.

But bear with me just a little longer. The copy book cloth technique I acquired at Russellville Bank was to become a boon later, when, as the six children came along, seemingly with too much regularity, I could slip an educated hand under the bottom of a sleeping infant and measure the dampness thereof to a nicety and judge to a fraction just when the cloth HAD to be changed.

Maybe those Russellville Bank experiences were later to save me the possibility of facing the notoriety incident to an indictment for infanticide by drowning.

Yours, for bigger and better posting machines, et. als., and sharper carbon paper,

HITLER'S FAVORITE PICTURE IS SAFE

Sept. 27, 1952

Dear Sugar Foot: Munny and I returned last evening from a short visit with Mr. and Mrs. Walter J. Behmer at Culver, Indiana, on Lake Maxinkuckee or however it is spelled. Had a fine time. . .

Yesterday, we got an early start home. I wanted to see a little private bank at San Pierre, Ind., away up north of Lafayette on old No. 43. It used to be a private bank, but I found out they had changed to a state bank just this last January. Didn't stay there long.

Munny wanted to see Elizabeth Shoaf Purnell (Red's widow) who lives at Attica, Ind. . . . (She) was giving a party tonight for another old woman friend of ours, and who is her cousin, the former Miss Sina Booe; then became Sina B. Songer; then Sina B.