Olla Podrida Part 26

_Lady Eth._ Ever since you afforded him the means of purchasing it.

_Adm._ I said many years, long before my name was added to the baronetage.

_Lady Eth._ Well, Admiral, it may be the case; but still there is no excuse for your folly: and mark me, Sir Gilbert, I will not have that pert minx, Lucy Bargrove, closeted with my daughter Agnes. As to the boy, it is a downright puppy and fool, or, to speak less plebeianly, is a _non composite mentus_.

_Adm._ Peter is not clever, but, without education, he would have been worse. It is not our fault if we are not blessed with talent. Lucy has wit enough for both.

_Lady Eth._ Lucy again! I declare, Admiral, my nerves are lacerated; or, to descend to your meanness of expression, it is quite shocking in a person of your age to become so infatuated with an artful hussy. Now, Sir Gilbert, am I to be protected, or am I to submit to insult? Is that sea-brute to remain, or am I to quit the house?

_Adm._ (_Aside._) I should prefer the latter. (_Aloud._) Why, my lady, if he must go----

_Lady Eth._ Must go? (_rings the bell_). Yes, Sir Gilbert, and with a proper lecture from you.

_Enter William; Lady Etheridge sits down with a wave of her hand._

_Lady Eth._ Now, Admiral.

_Adm._ William, you--you ought to be ashamed of yourself, getting half-seas over, and behaving in that manner--but--to be sure, I sent you the ale.

_Will._ Yes, your honour, famous stuff it was!

_Lady Eth._ Sir Gilbert!

_Adm._ And that's no excuse. I did not tell you to get drunk, and the consequence is, that that, without a proper apology----

_Will._ Beg your pardon, Admiral, and yours too, my lady.

_Lady Eth._ Sir Gilbert!

_Adm._ The fact is, that without the apology, in one word, you, you (_looking round at Lady Etheridge_) must take warning, sir, you leave this house, sir.

_Will._ Leave, yer honour, arter twenty-five years' sarvitude!

_Lady Eth._ Sir Gilbert!

_Adm._ Yes, sir, leave the house--damme!

_Will._ If yer honour hadn't given the ale, I shouldn't have got into trouble.

_Lady Eth._ (_Rising, and as she is leaving the room_). Sir Gilbert, I am glad to perceive that you have a proper respect for me and for yourself. [_Exit._

_Adm._ William, William, you must be aware that I cannot permit you to remain, when Lady Etheridge is displeased with you.

_Will._ First offence, yer honour.

_Adm._ But, however, I'll try and get you another place, as your general conduct has been correct.

_Will._ Thank you. I little thought, that after twenty-five years'

sarvitude (_wipes his eyes_). I can always get a s.h.i.+p, Admiral.

_Adm._ Why, yes, and I only wish that I had one, in which to give you a good rating, my good fellow; but William, you must be aware----

_Will._ Yes, yer honour, I see how the cat jumps.

_Adm._ What do you mean?

_Will._ I sees that yer honour is no longer in command of your own s.h.i.+p.

_Adm._ You scoundrel! What do you mean?

_Will._ Lord, Sir Gilbert, we all knows how the matter be, and as how you can't call your soul your own. It warn't so in the _Menelaus_, when your little finger was enough to make every man jump out of his shoes.

You _were_ a bit of a tartar, that's sartin,--and, now you've cotched a tartar.

_Adm._ You insolent scoundrel!

_Will._ Your honour arn't angry, I hope, but we all pities ye, we do indeed!

_Adm._ Unbearable!

_Will._ And we says in the servants' hall--and we be all agreed _there_--that you be the kindest master in the world--but, that as for my lady----

_Adm._ Silence, sir; what insolence is this? Out of the room immediately; now, if I had you on board, you scoundrel, I'd give you as good a four dozen as ever a fellow had in his life. I was just going to pension the blackguard, now I'll see him hanged first.

(_The Admiral walks up and down the room in a rage, William still remains behind._)

Well, well, even my servants laugh at, pity me. Here I am, cooled down into the quietest man in the world, yet obliged to put myself in a pa.s.sion whenever my wife pleases. It is very hard to lose my temper and my character at her bidding; but if I don't she would put herself into such a rage with me, that I should be even worse off;--of the two evils I must choose the least; but in falling in love, I was a great fool, and that's the truth.

_Will._ So you was, Admiral, that's sartin.

[_The Admiral runs at him with a stick. William runs off._

_Adm._ Scoundrel! Well, it is the truth.

_Enter Lady Etheridge, O.P._

_Lady Eth._ What is the truth, Sir Gilbert?

_Adm._ Truth, my lady? why, that when a man's intoxicated, he commits great folly.

_Lady Eth._ Yes, and ought to be punished for it.

_Adm._ (_Aside._) I am sure that I have been.

_Enter Agnes, who runs up and kisses her father._

_Adm._ Well, Agnes, my little clipper, where are you going this morning?

_Agnes._ Down to the homestead, papa, with Lucy Bargrove.