Olla Podrida Part 68

"Why, to tell you the truth, Bob, I'm all wrong. I'm on the stool of repentance; to wit, on this easy chair, doing penance, as you perceive, in a pair of duck trousers. Last night I was half seas over, and tolerably happy; this morning, I am high and dry, and intolerably miserable. Carried more sail than ballast last night, and lost my head; this morning I've found it again, with a pig of ballast in it I believe.

All owing to my good nature."

"How is that, c.o.c.kle?"

"Why, that Jack Piper was here last night; and rather than he should drink all the grog and not find his way home, I drank some myself--he'd been in a bad way if I had not, poor fellow!--and now, you see, I'm suffering all from good nature. Easiness of disposition has been my ruin, and has rounded me into this ball, by wearing away all my sharp edges, Bob."

"It certainly was very considerate and very kind of you, c.o.c.kle, especially when we know how much you must have acted at variance with your inclinations."

"Yes, Bob, yes; I am the milk punch of human kindness; I often cry--when the chimney smokes; and sometimes when I laugh too much. You see, I not only give my money, as others will do, but, as last night, I even give my head to a.s.sist a fellow-creature. I could, however, dispense with it for an hour or two this morning."

"Nay, don't say that; for although you might dispense with the upper part, you could not well get on without your mouth, c.o.c.kle."

"Very true, Bob; a chap without a mouth would be like a s.h.i.+p without a companion hatch;--talking about that, the combings of my mouth are rather dry--what do you say, Bob, shall we call Moons.h.i.+ne?"

"Why it's rather broad daylight for Moons.h.i.+ne."

"He's but an eclipse--a total eclipse, I may say. The fact is, my head is so heavy, that it rolls about on my shoulders; and I must have a stiffener down my throat to prop it up. So, Moons.h.i.+ne, s.h.i.+ne out, you black-faced rascal!"

The negro was outside, cleaning his knives:--he answered, but continued at his work.

"How me s.h.i.+ne, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, when you neber gib me _s.h.i.+ner_?"

"No: but I'll give you a _s.h.i.+nner_ on your lower limb, that shall make you feel planet-struck, if you don't show your ugly face," replied c.o.c.kle.

"Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, you full of dictionary dis marning."

"Come here, sir!"

"Why you so parsonal dis marning, sar," replied Moons.h.i.+ne, rubbing away at the knife-board--"my face no s.h.i.+ne more dan your white skull widout hair."

"I pulled one out, you scoundrel, every time you stole my grog, and now they are all gone--Hairs! what should I do with heirs when I've nothing to leave," continued c.o.c.kle, addressing me--"hairs are like rats, that quit a s.h.i.+p as soon as she gets old. Now, Bob, I wonder how long that rascal will make us wait. I brought him home and gave him his freedom--but give an inch and he takes an ell. Moons.h.i.+ne, I begin to feel angry--the tip of my nose is red already."

"Come directly, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle."

Moons.h.i.+ne gave two more rubs on the board, and then made his appearance.

"You call me, sar?"

"What's the use of calling you, you black rascal!"

"Now, sar, dat not fair--you say to me, Moons.h.i.+ne, always do one ting first--so I 'bey order and finish knives--dat ting done, I come and 'bey nest order."

"Well, bring some cold water and some tumblers."

Moons.h.i.+ne soon appeared with the articles, and then walked out of the room, grinning at me.

"Moons.h.i.+ne, where are you going, you thief?--when did you ever see me drink cold water, or offer it to my friends?"

"Nebber see you drink it but once, and den you tipsy, and tink it gin; but you very often gib notin but water to your friends, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle."

"When, you scoundrel?"

"Why, very often you say dat water quite strong enough for me."

"That's because I love you, Moons.h.i.+ne. Grog is a sad enemy to us."

"Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle real fine Christian--he lub him enemy," interrupted Moons.h.i.+ne, looking at me.

"At all events, I'm not ashamed to look mine enemy in the face--so hand us out the bottle."

Moons.h.i.+ne put the bottle on the table.

"Now, Bob," said c.o.c.kle, "what d'ye say to a _seven bell-er_? Why, hallo! what's become of all the grog?"

"All drank last night, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle," replied Moons.h.i.+ne.

"Now, you ebony thief, I'll swear that there was half a bottle left when I took my last gla.s.s; for I held the bottle up to the candle to ascertain the ullage."

"When you go up tairs, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, so help me Gad! not one drop left in de bottle."

"Will you take your oath, Moons.h.i.+ne, that you did not drink any last night?"

"No, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, because I gentleman, and nebber tell lie--me drink, because you gib it to me."

"Then I must have been drunk indeed. Now, tell me, how did I give it to you?--tell me every word which pa.s.sed."

"Yes, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, me make you recollect all about it. When Ma.s.sa Piper go away, you look at bottel and den you say, 'Fore I go up to bed, I take one more gla.s.s for _coming up_'--den I say, ''Pose you do, you nebber be able to _go up_.' Den you say, 'Moons.h.i.+ne, you good fellow (you always call me good fellow when you want me), you must help me.'

You drink your grog--you fall back in de chair, and you shut first one eye and den you shut de oder. I see more grog on de table: so I take up de bottel and I say, 'Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, you go up stairs?' and you say, 'Yes, yes--directly.' Den I hold de bottel up and say to you, 'Ma.s.sa, shall I help you?' and you say 'Yes, you must _help_ me.' So den I take one gla.s.s of grog, 'cause you tell me to help you."

"I didn't tell you to help yourself though, you scoundrel!"

"Yes, Ma.s.sa, when you tell me to help you with de bottel, I 'bey order, and help myself. Den, sar, I waits little more, and I say, 'Ma.s.sa, now you go up'tairs,' and you start up and you wake, and you say, 'Yes, yes;' and den I hold up and show you bottel again, and I say, 'Shall I _help_ you, ma.s.sa?' and den you say 'Yes.' So I 'bey order again, and take one more gla.s.s. Den you open mouth and you snore--so I look again and I see one little gla.s.s more in bottel, and I call you, 'Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle,' and you say, 'high--high!'--and den you head fall on you chest, and you go sleep again--so den I call again and I say, 'Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, here one lilly more drop, shall I drink it?' and you nod you head on you bosom, and say noting--so I not quite sure, and I say again, 'Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, shall I finish this lilly drop?' and you nod you head once more. Den I say, 'all right,' and I say, 'you very good helt, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle;' and I finish de bottel. Now, Ma.s.sa, you ab de whole tory, and it all really for true."

I perceived that c.o.c.kle was quite as much amused at this account of Moons.h.i.+ne's as I was myself, but he put on a bluff look.

"So, sir, it appears that you took advantage of my helpless situation, to help yourself."

"Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle, just now you tell Ma.s.sa Farran dat you drink so much, all for good nature to Ma.s.sa Piper--I do same all for good nature."

"Well, Mr Moons.h.i.+ne, I must have some grog," replied c.o.c.kle, "and as you helped yourself last night, now you must help me;--get it how you can, I give you just ten minutes----"

"'Pose you gib me ten s.h.i.+llings, sar," interrupted Moons.h.i.+ne, "dat better."

"Cash is all gone. I havn't a skillick till quarter-day, not a shot in the locker till Wednesday. Either get me some more grog, or you'll get more kicks than halfpence."

"You no ab money--you no ab tick--how I get grog, Ma.s.sa c.o.c.kle? Missy O'Bottom, she tell me, last _quarter_-day, no pay _whole_ bill, she not _half_ like it; she say you great deceiver, and no trust more."

"Confound the old hag! Would you believe it, Bob, that Mrs Rowbottom has wanted to grapple with me these last two years--wants to make me landlord of the Goose and Pepper-box, taking her as a fixture with the premises. I suspect I should be the goose, and she the pepper-box;--but we never could shape that course. In the first place, there's too much of her; and, in the next, there's too much of me. I explained this to the old lady as well as I could; and she swelled up as big as a balloon, saying, that, when people were really _attached_, they never _attached_ any weight to such trifling obstacles."