Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories Part 7

Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of gittin' it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church

A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the preachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions and answers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. You see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school cla.s.s, and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the cla.s.s sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila." The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson." Another little feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague."

The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them war doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the first commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a good laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson.

You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he c.u.m over to my house and he sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." I sed, "What do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymn books at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell 'em." Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the minister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tell the congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin'

house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could hear him clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, but he woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through with his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, bring them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." Wall, Jim he woke up about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about his hymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't got any I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece."

Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of doing right.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Reminiscence of My Railroad Days

Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburg, Pa.

WALL, John, I read your poetry, And laughed till I nearly cried, Seein' how you became an engineer, And got on the right hand side.

It made me think of the days gone by, When I wuz one of you fellers, too, What used to run an old machine, And go tootin' the country through.

But the engine that I had then, John, Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;"

She wuz old and worn and loggy, And jist chuck full of pranks; And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, Full of bolts and valves and k.n.o.bs, And the boiler wouldn't hold water; Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs.

But I wuz younger then, John, And I didn't care a cuss; So I'd pull the throttle open And jist let her wheeze and fuss.

The road that I wuz a-runnin' on Wuz out in the woolly west; Two streaks of rust and the right of way Wuz puttin' it at its best.

So we sort of plugged along, John.

And didn't put on any frills, Never thought of doin' anything But doublin' all the hills.

I tell you those were rocky times, And we hadn't no air brake; And fifteen miles an hour, John, Wuz durn good time to make.

And thar wuz as good a lot of boys As you could meet with anywhere; Rough and ready open up, And always on the square.

And I'd like to see them all again, And grasp each honest hand; But some of them, like me, have quit, Some have gone to another land.

I have changed somewhat since then, John, Jist a little more steady grown; But I often think of my railroad days As the happiest ones I've known.

And, John, I often watch the train.

As they go whizzing by; As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, Thar's a tear comes in my eye.

Perhaps you'd like to know, John, Just why I quit the rail, And as some feller one time sed, "Thereby hangs a tale."

I wuz goin' along one night, John, At a purty lively rate, The old machine a-doin' her best, And me forty minutes late, When all at once there came a crash, I felt the old track yield, And fireman, machine and I Went into a farmer's field.

There's little more to say, John, They laid me up for repairs, But my fireman, poor fellow, Hadn't time to say his prayers.

So now you have my story, John; Still, you don't know how it feels To know you've got to plug around On a couple of flat wheels.

But it doesn't bother me, John, Gosh, not fer a minnit; I'm as happy as the day is long, And feel jist strictly in it.

But sometimes I like to meet the boys, And talk them days all over, And I feel as gay and chipper As a calf in a field of clover But the happiest days I've known, John, The ones that to me see best, Wuz when I run an old machine Way out in the woolly west.

Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it.

--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh at a Circus

WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus c.u.m to Punkin Centre, and I think the whole population turned out to see it.

They c.u.m paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, and animals pokin' their heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he alowed he'd take the children and let them see the lions and tigers and things. Si Pettingill remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders on himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards that the Deacon had a front seat whar he could see and hear purty well.

Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you and me go down to the cirkus,"

and Ezra sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our store clothes, our new boots, and put some money in our pockits, and went down to the cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my life cut up more fool capers than Ezra did. We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra he walked around the elefant three or four times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, that's a durned handy critter--he's got two tails, and he's eatin' with one and keepin' the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool! Wall, we went on a little ways further, and all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, thar's Steve Jenkins over thar in one of them cages." I sed, "c.u.m along you silly fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near raised Steve." Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's family a long ways back.

Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two old codgers jist about busted our b.u.t.tins a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and that clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master sed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on.

So he got into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chased him 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Then a gal c.u.m out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter to c.u.m out thar without clothes enough on her to dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that silly old clown he told the ring master that his uncle committed sooiside different than any man what ever committed sooiside; and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his ear and blowed his head off."

Then he sang an old-fas.h.i.+oned song I hadn't heered in a long time; went something like this:

From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown to Widdletown, Take it all together and its fifteen miles.

He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'.

So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?"

He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin Centre.

Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him

I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have.

I'd like to have you all c.u.m down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, huntin', fis.h.i.+n', and shootin', and other things.

Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel.

I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin'

on a door k.n.o.b, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't.

While she wuz a-sottin' there along c.u.m a rooster, and he sed, "We're having a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me this set?" and she sed, "No, sir, I'm engaged to his n.o.bs for this set."

Gosh, I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one while, cos one day when I wuz out thar I heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that old gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer."

Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to be a-goin'; good-bye; c.u.m down and see me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; c.u.m down about apple-b.u.t.ter time and jist b.u.t.t in--good bye.

Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death

YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, And he came from no one knowed whar; Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, And wuz reckoned on the squar'.

Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks May have made him stern and grim; But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim.

He wa'n't one of the regular sort What you'd meet thar any day, But as near as the camp could figure it out, In a show down he'd likely stay.