Nature and Human Nature Part 46

"'Why, the chief end of man, Sir, is his head and shoulders.'

"'Oh,' said a little la.s.sie that was listening to the conversation, 'if you know all these things, Sir, can you tell me if Noah had any b.u.t.terflies in the ark? I wonder how in the world he ever got hold of them! Many and many a beauty have I chased all day, and I never could catch one yet.'"

"I can tell you a better one than that," says Larry Hilliard. "Do you recollect old Hardwood, our under-sheriff? He has a very beautiful daughter, and she was married last week at St Paul's Church, to a lieutenant in the navy. There was such an immense crowd present (for they were considered the handsomest couple ever married there), that she got so confused she could hardly get through the responses. When the archdeacon said, 'Will you have this man to be your wedded husband?'

"'Yes,' she said, and made a slight pause; and then became bewildered, and got into her catechism. 'Yes,' she said, 'by G.o.d's grace I will, and I humbly thank my Heavenly Father for having brought me to this state of salvation.'

"It was lucky she spoke low, and that the people didn't distinctly hear her, but it nearly choaked the parson."

"Talking of church anecdotes," says Lawyer Martin, "reminds me of old Parson Byles, of St John's, New Brunswick. Before the American rebellion he was rector at Boston, and he had a curate who always preached against the Roman Catholics. It tickled the Puritans, but didn't injure the Papists, for there were none there at that time. For three successive Sundays he expounded the text, 'And Peter's wife's mother lay ill of a fever.'

"From which he inferred priests ought to marry. Shortly after that the bell was tolling one day, and somebody asked Dr Byles who was dead.

"Says he, and he looked solemcoly, shut one eye and winked with the other, as if he was trying to shut that also--'I rather think it is Peter's wife's mother, for she has been ill of a fever for three weeks.'"

There are charms in these little "home scenes," these little detached sketches, which are wholly lost in a large landscape.

There is one very redeeming property about the people. Although they differ widely in politics, I infer that they live in the greatest possible harmony together, from the fact that they speak of each other like members of the same family. The word Mr is laid aside as too cold and formal, and the whole Christian name as too ceremonious. Their most distinguished men speak of each other, and the public follow their example, as Joe A, or Jim B, or Bill C, or Tom D, or Fitz this, or d.i.c.k that. It sounds odd to strangers no doubt, but the inference that may be drawn from it is one of great amiability.

Still, in holding up the mirror, hold it up fairly, and take in all the groups, and not merely those that excite ridicule. Halifax has more real substantial wealth about it than any place of its size in America; wealth not ama.s.sed by reckless speculation, but by judicious enterprise, persevering industry, and consistent economy. In like manner there is better society in it than in any similar American or colonial town. A man must know the people to appreciate them. He must not merely judge by those whom he is accustomed to meet at the social board, for they are not always the best specimens anywhere, but by those also who prefer retirement, and a narrower circle, and rather avoid general society, as not suited to their tastes. The character of its mercantile men stands very high, and those that are engaged in professional pursuits are distinguished for their ability and integrity. In short, as a colonist, Squire, you may at least be satisfied to hear from a stranger like me, that they contrast so favourably with those who are sent officially among them from England, that they need not be ashamed to see themselves grouped with the best of them in the same mirror.

Yes, yes, Squire, every place has its queer people, queer talk, and queer grouping. I draw what is before me, and I can't go wrong. Now, if the sketcher introduces his own person into his foregrounds, and I guess I figure in all mine as large as life (for like a respectable man I never forget myself), he must take care he has a good likeness of his skuldiferous head, as well as a flattering one. Now, you may call it crackin' and braggin', and all that sort of a thing, if you please, but I must say, I allot that I look, sit, walk, stand, eat, drink, smoke, think, and talk, aye, and brag too, like a Yankee clockmaker, don't you? Yes, there is a decided and manifest improvement in the appearance of this province. When I say the province, I don't refer to Halifax alone, though there are folks there that think it stands for and represents the whole colony. I mean what I say in using that expression, which extends to the country at large--and I am glad to see this change, for I like it. And there is a still more decided and manifest improvement in the people, and I am glad of that too, for I like them also. Now, I'll tell you one great reason of this alteration. Blue-nose has seen himself as other folks see him, he has had "the mirror held up to him."

CHAPTER XIX.

THE BUNDLE OF STICKS.

I had hardly entered these remarks in my Journal, and ascended the companion-ladder, when the doctor joined me in my quarter-deck walk, and said, "Mr Slick, what is your opinion of the state of these North American colonies?"

What a curious thing these coincidences are, Squire, ain't they? How often when you are speaking of a man, he unexpectedly makes his appearance, don't he? or if you are thinking of a subject, the person who is with you starts the same topic, or if you are a going to say a thing, he takes, as we say, the very words out of your mouth. It is something more than accident that, but what is it? Is it animal magnetism, or what is it? Well, I leave you to answer that question, for I can't.

"Their growth beats all. The way they are going ahead is a caution to them that live in Sleepy Hollow, a quiet little place the English call Downing Street. It astonishes them as a young turkey does a hen that has hatched it, thinking it was a chicken of her own. She don't know what in the world to make of the great long-legged, long-bodied critter, that is six times as large as herself, that has cheeks as red as if it drank brandy, an imperial as large as a Russian dragoon, eats all the food of the poultry-yard, takes a shocking sight of nursing when it is young, and gets as sarcy as the devil when it grows up."

"Yes," said he, "I am aware of its growth; but what do you suppose is the destiny of British North America?"

"Oh," sais I, "I could tell you if I was Colonial minister, because I should then have the power to guide that destiny. I know full well what ought to be done, and the importance of doing it soon, but I am not in the position to give them the right direction. No English statesmen have the information, the time, or the inclination to meddle with the subject. To get rid of the bother of them, they have given up all control and said to them, 'There is responsible government for you, now tortle off hum, and manage your own affairs.' Yes, yes, so far so good--they can manage their own domestic matters, but who is to manage their foreign affairs, as I said wunst to a member of parliament. They have outgrown colonial dependance; their minority is ended; their clerks.h.i.+p is out; they are of age now: they never did well in your house; they were put out to nurse at a distance; they had their schooling; they learnt figures early; they can add and multiply faster than you can to save your soul; and now they are uneasy. They have your name, for they are your children, but they are younger sons.

The estate and all the honours go to the eldest, who resides at home.

They know but little about their parents, further than that their bills have been liberally paid, but they have no personal acquaintance with you. You are tired of maintaining them, and they have too much pride and too much energy to continue to be a burden to you. They can and they will do for themselves.

"Have you ever thought of setting them up in business on their own account, or of taking them into partners.h.i.+p with yourself? In the course of nature they must form some connection soon. Shall they seek it with you or the States, or intermarry among themselves, and begin the world on their own hook? These are important questions, and they must be answered soon. Have you acquired their confidence and affection? What has been your manner to them? Do you treat them like your other younger children that remain at home? Them you put into your army and navy, place a sword in their hands and say, Distinguish yourselves, and the highest rewards are open to you; or you send them to the church or the bar, and say, A mitre or a coronet shall be the prize to contend for. If you prefer diplomacy, you shall be attache to your elder brother. I will place the ladder before you; ascend it. If you like politics, I will place you in parliament, and if you have not talents sufficient for the House of Commons, you shall go out as governor of one of our colonies. Those appointments belong of right to them, but they can't help themselves at present. Get one while you can.

"Have you done this, or anything like it, for your children abroad? If you have, perhaps you will be kind enough to furnish me with some names, that I may mention them when I hear you accused of neglect. You are very hospitable and very considerate to strangers. The representative of any little insignificant German state, of the size of a Canadian towns.h.i.+p, has a place a.s.signed him on state occasions.

Do you ever show the same attention to the delegate of a colony, of infinitely more extent and value than Ireland? There can't be a doubt you have, though I have never heard of it. Such little trifles are matters of course, but still, as great interests are at stake, perhaps it would be as well to notice such things occasionally in the Gazette, for distant and humble relations are always touchy.

"Ah, Doctor," said I, "things can't and won't remain long as they are.

England has three things among which to choose for her North American colonies:--First: Incorporation with herself, and representation in Parliament. Secondly: Independence. Thirdly: Annexation with the States. Instead of deliberating and selecting what will be most conducive to the interest of herself and her dependencies, she is allowing things to take their chance. Now, this is all very well in matters over which we have no control, because Providence directs things better than we can; but if one of these three alternatives is infinitely better than the other, and it is in our power to adopt it, it is the height of folly not to do so. I know it is said, for I have often heard it myself, Why, we can but lose the colonies at last.

Pardon me, you can do more than that, for you can lose their affections also. If the partners.h.i.+p is to be dissolved, it had better be done by mutual consent, and it would be for the interest of both that you should part friends. You didn't shake hands with, but fists at, us when we separated. We had a stand-up fight, and you got licked, and wounds were given that the best part of a century hasn't healed, and wounds that will leave tender spots for ever; so don't talk nonsense.

"Now, Doctor, mark my words. I say again, things won't remain long as they are. I am glad I have you to talk to instead of the Squire, for he always says, I am chockfull of crotchets, and brimfull of brag.

Now, it is easy, we all know, to prophesy a thing after it has happened, but if I foretell a thing and it comes out true, if I haven't a right to brag of my skill, I have a right to boast that I guessed right at all events. Now, when I set on foot a scheme for carrying the Atlantic mail in steamers, and calculated all the distances and chances, and showed them Bristol folks (for I went to that place on purpose) that it was shorter by thirty-six miles to come to Halifax, and then go to New York, than to go to New York direct, they just laughed at me, and so did the English Government. They said it couldn't be shorter in the nature of things. There was a captain in the navy to London too, who said, 'Mr Slick, you are wrong, and I think I ought to know something about it,' giving a toss of his head.

'Well,' sais I, with another toss of mine, 'I think you ought too, and I am sorry you don't, that's all.'

"Then the Squire said:--'Why, how you talk, Mr Slick! Recollect, if you please, that Doctor Lardner says that steam won't do to cross the Atlantic, and he is a great gun."

"'Well,' sais I, 'I don't care a fig for what Lardner says, or any other locomotive lecturer under the light of the living sun. If a steamer can go agin a stream, and a plaguy strong one too, two thousand five hundred miles up the Mississippi, why in natur can't it be fixed so as to go across the Atlantic?'

"Well, some time after that, my second Clockmaker came out in London, and, sais I, I'll stand or fall by my opinion, right or wrong, and I just put it body and breeches all down in figures in that book. Well, that set inquiries on foot, folks began to calculate--a tender was made and accepted, and now steam across the Atlantic is a fixed fact, and an old story. Our folks warn't over pleased about it, they consaited I should have told them first, so they might have taken the lead in it, as they like to go ahead of the British in all things, and I wish to goodness I had, for thanks are better nor jeers at any time.

"Well, I was right there, you see. So on this subject I have told Squire, and them who ought to know something of the colonies they rule, over and over again, and warned government that something was wanting to place these provinces on a proper permanent footing; that I knew the temper of colony folks better than they did, and you will find in my Journals the subject often mentioned. But no, a debate on a beer bill, or a metropolitan bridge, or a constabulary act, is so pressing, there is no time. Well, sure enough that's all come true.

First, the Canadian league started up, it was a feverish symptom, and it subsided by good treatment, without letting blood. Last winter it was debated in the Legislature here, and the best and ablest speeches made on it ever heard in British America, and infinitely superior to the great majority of those uttered in the House of Commons.1 Do you suppose for a moment that proud-spirited, independent, able men like those members, will long endure the control of a Colonial minister, who, they feel, is as much below them in talent, as by accident he may be above them in rank? No, Sir, the day is past. The form of provincial government is changed, and with it provincial dependence also. When we become men, we must put away childish thing's.

1 All these speeches are well worth reading, especially those of Mr Howe, Mr Johnston, and Mr M. Wilkins. That of the former gentleman is incomparably superior to any one delivered during the last session of the Imperial Parliament.

"There is a sense of soreness that is uncomfortably felt by a colonist now when he surveys our condition, and that of Englishmen, and compares his own with it. He can hardly tell you what he wants, he has yet no definite plan: but he desires something that will place him on a perfect equality with either. When I was in Europe lately, I spent a day at Richmond, with one of them I had known out in America. He was a Tory, too, and a pretty staunch one, I tell you.

"Thinks I to myself, 'I'll put you through your paces a little, my young sucking Was.h.i.+ngton, for fear you will get out of practice when you get back.'

"So, sais I, 'how do you get on now? I suppose responsible government has put an end to all complaints, hain't it?'

"Sais he, 'Mr Slick,' and I saw he felt sore, for he looked like it, and talked like it; 'Mr Slick,' said he, 'kinder niblin' at the question, I have no remonstrance to make. There is something very repulsive in a complaint. I can't bear the sound of it myself. It should never be p.r.o.nounced but in the ear of a doctor, or a police magistrate. Your man with a grievance is everywhere voted a bore. If he goes to the Colonial Office with one, that stout gentleman at the door, the porter, who has the keys of that realm of knowledge and bliss, and knows as much and has as many airs as his master, soon receives an order not to admit him.

"'Worn out with fatigue and disappointment, the unfortunate suitor finds at last his original grievance merged in the greater one, that he can obtain no hearing and no redress, and he returns to his own province, like Franklin, or the Australian delegate, with thoughts of deep revenge, and visions of a glorious revolution that shall set his countrymen free from foreign dominion. He goes a humble suppliant, he returns an implacable rebel. The restless Pole, who would rather play the part of a freebooting officer than an honest farmer, and who prefers even begging to labour, wanders over Europe and America, uttering execrations against all monarchs in general, and his own in particular, and, when you shake your head at his oft-told tale of fict.i.tious patriotism, as he replaces his stereotyped memorial in his pocket, exhibits the handle of a stiletto, with a savage smile of unmistakeable scoundrelism.'

"'Poles loom large,' sais I, 'in the fogs of London, but they dwindle into poor sticks with us.'

"He was in no temper however to laugh. It was evident he felt deeply, but he was unwilling to exhibit the tender spot. 'The world, Sir,' he said, 'is full of grievances. Papineau's parliament mustered ninety-two of them at one time, and a Falmouth packet-s.h.i.+p actually foundered with its s.h.i.+fting cargo. What a pity it is that their worthlessness and lightness alone caused them to float! The English, who reverse every wholesome maxim, in this instance pursued their usual course. The sage advice, parcere subjectis, et debilare superbos, was disregarded. The loyalists suffered, the arrogant and turbulent triumphed. Every house, Sir, in the kingdom is infested with grievances. Fathers grieve over the extravagances of their sons, the giddiness of their daughters, and the ceaseless murmurs of their wives, while they in their turn unite in complaining of parental parsimony and meanness. Social intercourse I have long since given up, for I am tired of tedious narratives of the delinquencies of servants and the degeneracy of the times. I prefer large parties, where, although you know the smile hides the peevish temper, the aching heart, the jealous fear, and the wounded pride; yet it is such a great satisfaction to know there is a truce to complaints, that I prefer its many falsehoods to unceasing wailings over the sad realities of life.'

"This was no answer, but something to bluff me off. I saw he was unwilling to speak out, and that it was a mere effort to b.u.t.ton up and evade the subject. So to draw him out, I said,

"'Well, there is one thing you can boast. Canada is the most valuable and beautiful appendage of the British Crown.'

"'England may boast of it as such,' he said, 'but I have no right to do so. I prefer being one of the pariahs of the empire, a mere colonist, having neither grade nor caste, without a country of my own, and without nationality. I am a humble man, and when I am asked where I come from, readily answer, the Chaudiere River. Where is that? Out of the world? Extra flammantia limina mundi. What is the name of your country? It is not a country, it is only a place. It is better to have no flag than a borrowed one. If I had one I should have to defend it.

If it were wrested from me I should be disgraced, while my victorious enemy would be thanked by the Imperial Legislature, and rewarded by his sovereign. If I were triumphant, the affair would be deemed too small to merit a notice in the Gazette. He who called out the militia, and quelled amid a shower of b.a.l.l.s the late rebellion, was knighted.

He who a.s.sented amid a shower of eggs to a bill to indemnify the rebels, was created an earl. Now to pelt a governor-general with eggs is an overt act of treason, for it is an attempt to throw off the yoke. If therefore he was advanced in the peerage for remunerating traitors for their losses, he ought now to a.s.sent to another act for reimbursing the expenses of the exhausted stores of the poultry yards, and be made a marquis, unless the British see a difference between a rebel mob and an indignant crowd, between those whose life has been spent in hatching mischief, and those who desired to scare the foul birds from their nests.

"'If that man had been a colonist, the dispatch marked 'private' would have said, 'It sarved you right,' whereas it announced to him, 'You are one of us,' and to mark our approbation of your conduct, you may add one of these savoury missiles to your coat of arms, that others may be egged on to do their duty. Indeed, we couldn't well have a flag of our own. The Americans have a very appropriate and elegant one, containing stripes emblematical of their slaves, and stars to represent their free states, while a Connecticut goose typifies the good cheer of thanksgiving day. It is true we have the honour of fighting under that of England; but there is, as we have seen, this hard condition annexed to it, we must consent to be taxed, to reimburse the losses of those whom by our gallantry we subdue. If we take Sebastopol, we must pay for the damage we have done. We are not ent.i.tled to a separate flag, and I am afraid if we had one we should be subject to ridicule. A pure white ground would prefigure our snow drifts; a gull with outspread wings, our credulous qualities; and a few discoloured eggs, portray our celebrated missiles. But what sort of a flag would that be? No, Sir, these provinces should be united, and they would from their territorial extent, their commercial enterprise, their mineral wealth, their wonderful agricultural productions, and, above all, their intelligent, industrious, and still loyal population, in time form a nation second to none on earth, until then I prefer to be a citizen of the world.

"'I once asked an Indian where he lived, I meant of course where his camp was, but the question was too broad, and puzzled him. Stretching out his arm and describing a circle with his heel, he said, 'I live in all these woods!' Like him, I live in all this world. Those who, like the English and Americans, have appropriated so large a portion of it to themselves, may severally boast, if they think proper, of their respective governments and territories. My boast, Sir, is a peculiar one, that I have nothing to boast of.'

"'If such are your views,' I said, 'I must say, I do not understand that absurd act of firing your parliament house. It is, I a.s.sure you, reprobated everywhere. Our folks say your party commenced as old Hunkers1 and ended as Barnburners.'

1 "We have been requested to give a definition of this term, 'Old Hunkers.' Party nicknames are not often logically justified; and we can only say that that section of the late dominant party in this State (the democratic) which claims to be the more radical, progressive, reformatory, &c., bestowed the appellation of 'Old Hunker' on the other section, to indicate that it was distinguished by opposite qualities from those claimed for itself. We believe the t.i.tle was also intended to indicate that those on whom it was conferred had an appet.i.te for a large 'hunk' of the spoils, though we never could discover that they were peculiar in that. On the other hand, the opposite school was termed 'Barnburners,' in allusion to the story of an old Dutchman, who relieved himself of rats by burning his barns, which they infested--just like exterminating all banks and corporations to root out the abuses connected therewith. The fitness or unfitness of these family terms of endearment is none of our business."--NEW YORK TRIBUNE.