Angela's Ashes: A Memoir Part 15

Dotty barks at him.You, boy, what is your name?

Clohessy, sir.

Ah, the boy flies on one wing.What is your Christian name?

Paddy.

Paddy what?

Paddy, sir.

And what, Paddy,were you saying to McCourt?

I said we should get down on our two knees and thank G.o.d for Euclid.

Iam sure you did, Clohessy. I see the lie festering in your teeth.What do I see, boys?

The lie, sir.

And what is the lie doing, boys?

Festering, sir.

Where, boys, where?

In his teeth, sir.

Euclid, boys,was a Greek.What, Clohessy, is a Greek?

Some cla.s.s of a foreigner, sir.

Clohessy, you are a half-wit. Now, Brendan, surely you know what a Greek is?

Yes, sir. Euclid was a Greek.

Dotty gives him the little smile.He tells Clohessy he should model himself on Quigley, who knows what a Greek is. He draws two lines side by side and tells us these are parallel lines and the magical and mysterious thing is that they never meet, not if they were to be extended to infinity, not if they were extended to G.o.das shoulders and that, boys, is a long way though there is a German Jew who is upsetting the whole world with his ideas on parallel lines.

We listen to Dotty and wonder what all this has to do with the state 152.

of the world with the Germans marching everywhere and bombing everything that stands.We canat ask him ourselves but we can get Brendan Quigley to do it. Anyone can see Brendan is the masteras pet and that means he can ask any question he likes.After school we tell Brendan he has to ask the question tomorrow, What use is Euclid and all those lines that go on forever when the Germans are bombing everything?

Brendan says he doesnat want to be the masteras pet, he didnat ask for it, and he doesnat want to ask the question. Heas afraid if he asks that question Dotty will attack him.We tell him if he doesnat ask the question weall attack him.

Next day Brendan raises his hand. Dotty gives him the little smile.

Sir, what use is Euclid and all the lines when the Germans are bombing everything that stands?

The little smile is gone. Ah, Brendan. Ah, Quigley. Oh, boys, oh, boys.

He lays his stick on the desk and stands on the platform with his eyes closed. What use is Euclid? he says. Use? Without Euclid the Messerschmitt could never have taken to the sky.Without Euclid the Spitfire could not dart from cloud to cloud. Euclid brings us grace and beauty and elegance.What does he bring us, boys?

Grace, sir.

And?

Beauty, sir.

And?

Elegance, sir.

Euclid is complete in himself and divine in application. Do you understand that, boys?

We do, sir.

I doubt it,boys, I doubt it.To love Euclid is to be alone in this world.

He opens his eyes and sighs and you can see the eyes are a little watery.

Paddy Clohessy is leaving the school that day and heas stopped by Mr.

OaDea, who teaches the fifth cla.s.s. Mr. OaDea says,You, whatas your name?

Clohessy, sir.

What cla.s.s are you in?

Fourth cla.s.s, sir.

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Now tell me, Clohessy, is that master of yours talking to you about Euclid?

He is, sir.

And what is he saying?

Heas saying heas a Greek.

Of course he is, you diddering omadhaun.What else is he saying?

Heas saying there would be no school without Euclid.

Ah.Now is he drawing anything on the board?

Heas drawing lines side by side that will never meet even if they land on G.o.das shoulders.

Mother oa G.o.d.

No, sir. G.o.das shoulders.

I know, you idiot. Go home.

The next day thereas a great noise at our cla.s.sroom door and Mr.

OaDea is yelling,Come out,OaNeill,you chancer,you poltroon.We can hear everything heas saying because of the broken gla.s.s over the door.

The new headmaster, Mr. OaHalloran, is saying, Now, now, Mr.

OaDea. Control yourself. No quarreling in front of our pupils.

Well, then, Mr. OaHalloran, tell him stop teaching the geometry.

The geometry is for the fifth form and not the fourth.The geometry is mine.Tell him to teach the long division and leave Euclid to me. Long division will stretch his intellect such as it is, G.o.d help us. I donat want the minds of these boys destroyed by that chancer up there on the platform, him handing out apple skins and causing diarrhea right and left.

Tell him Euclid is mine,Mr. OaHalloran, or Iall put a stop to his gallop.

Mr.OaHalloran tells Mr. OaDea to return to his cla.s.sroom and asks Mr. OaNeill to step into the hall. Mr. OaHalloran says, Now, Mr.

OaNeill, I have asked you before to stay away from Euclid.

You have,Mr. OaHalloran,but you might as well ask me to stop eating my daily apple.

Iall have to insist, Mr. OaNeill. No more Euclid.

Mr. OaNeill comes back to the room and his eyes are watery again.

He says little has changed since the time of the Greeks for the barbarians are within the gates and their names are legion.What has changed since the time of the Greeks, boys?

It is torture to watch Mr. OaNeill peel the apple every day, to see the length of it, red or green, and if youare up near him to catch the fresh- 154.

ness of it in your nose. If youare the good boy for that day and you answer the questions he gives it to you and lets you eat it there at your desk so that you can eat it in peace with no one to bother you the way they would if you took it into the yard. Then theyad torment you, Gimme a piece, gimme a piece, and youad be lucky to have an inch left for yourself.

There are days when the questions are too hard and he torments us by dropping the apple peel into the wastebasket.Then he borrows a boy from another cla.s.s to take the wastebasket down to the furnace to burn papers and apple peel or heall leave it for the charwoman, Nellie Ahearn, to take it all away in her big canvas sack.Wead like to ask Nellie to keep the peel for us before the rats get it but sheas weary from cleaning the whole school by herself and she snaps at us, I have other things to be doina with me life besides watchina a scabby bunch rootina around for the skin of an apple. Go away.

He peels the apple slowly. He looks around the room with the little smile. He teases us, Do you think, boys, I should give this to the pigeons on the windowsill? We say, No, sir, pigeons donat eat apples.

Paddy Clohessy calls out, aTwill give them the runs, sir, and weall have it on our heads abroad in the yard.

Clohessy,you are an omadhaun.Do you know what an omadhaun is?

I donat, sir.

Itas the Irish, Clohessy, your native tongue, Clohessy. An omadhaun is a fool, Clohessy.You are an omadhaun.What is he, boys?

An omadhaun, sir.

Clohessy says, Thatas what Mr. OaDea called me, sir, a diddering omadhaun.

He pauses in his peeling to ask us questions about everything in the world and the boy with the best answers wins. Hands up, he says, who is the President of the United States of America?

Every hand in the cla.s.s goes up and weare all disgusted when he asks a question that any omadhaun would know.We call out, Roosevelt.

Then he says,You,Mulcahy, who stood at the foot of the cross when Our Lord was crucified?

Mulcahy is slow.The Twelve Apostles, sir.

Mulcahy, what is the Irish word for fool?

Omadhaun, sir.

And what are you, Mulcahy?

An omadhaun, sir.

155.

Fintan Slattery raises his hand. I know who stood at the foot of the cross, sir.

Of course Fintan knows who stood at the foot of the cross.Why wouldnat he? Heas always running off to Ma.s.s with his mother, who is known for her holiness. Sheas so holy her husband ran off to Canada to cut down trees, glad to be gone and never to be heard from again. She and Fintan say the rosary every night on their knees in the kitchen and read all kinds of religious magazines: The Little Messenger of the Sacred Heart,The Lantern,The Far East, as well as every little book printed by the Catholic Truth Society.They go to Ma.s.s and Communion rain or s.h.i.+ne and every Sat.u.r.day they confess to the Jesuits who are known for their interest in intelligent sins not the usual sins you hear from people in lanes who are known for getting drunk and sometimes eating meat on Fridays before it goes bad and cursing on top of it. Fintan and his mother live on Catherine Street and Mrs. Slatteryas neighbors call her Mrs. Offer-It-Up because no matter what happens, a broken leg, a spilled cup of tea, a disappeared husband, she says,Well, now, Iall offer that up and Iall have no end of Indulgences to get me into heaven. Fintan is just as bad. If you push him in the schoolyard or call him names heall smile and tell you heall pray for you and heall offer it up for his soul and yours.The boys in Leamyas donat want Fintan praying for them and they threaten to give him a good fong in the a.r.s.e if they catch him praying for them. He says he wants to be a saint when he grows up, which is ridiculous because you canat be a saint till youare dead. He says our grandchildren will be praying to his picture. One big boy says, My grandchildren will p.i.s.s on your picture, and Fintan just smiles. His sister ran away to England when she was seventeen and everyone knows he wears her blouse at home and curls his hair with hot iron tongs every Sat.u.r.day night so that heall look gorgeous at Ma.s.s on Sunday. If he meets you going to Ma.s.s heall say, Isnat my hair gorgeous, Frankie? He loves that word, gorgeous, and no other boy will ever use it.

Of course he knows who stood at the foot of the cross. He probably knows what they were wearing and what they had for breakfast and now heas telling Dotty OaNeill it was the three Marys.

Dotty says, Come up here, Fintan, and take your reward.

He takes his time going to the platform and we canat believe our eyes when he takes out a pocketknife to cut the apple peel into little bits so that he can eat them one by one and not be stuffing the whole thing 156.

into his mouth like the rest of us when we win. He raises his hand, Sir, Iad like to give some of my apple away.

The apple, Fintan? No, indeed.You do not have the apple, Fintan.

You have the peel, the mere skin.You have not nor will you ever achieve heights so dizzy youall be feasting on the apple itself.Not my apple,Fintan.

Now did I hear you say you want to give away your reward?

You did, sir. Iad like to give three pieces, to Quigley, Clohessy and McCourt.

Why, Fintan?

Theyare my friends, sir.

The boys around the room are sneering and nudging each other and I feel ashamed because theyall say I curl my hair and Iall be tormented in the schoolyard and why does he think Iam his friend? If they say I wear my sisteras blouse thereas no use telling them I donat have a sister because theyall say,Youad wear it if you had a sister.Thereas no use saying anything in the schoolyard because thereas always someone with an answer and thereas nothing you can do but punch them in the nose and if you were to punch everyone who has an answer youad be punching morning noon and night.

Quigley takes the bit of peel from Fintan.Thanks, Fintan.

The whole cla.s.s is looking at Clohessy because heas the biggest and the toughest and if he says thanks Iall say thanks. He says,Thanks very much, Fintan, and blushes and I say,Thanks very much, Fintan, and I try to stop myself from blus.h.i.+ng but I canat and all the boys sneer again and Iad like to hit them.

After school the boys call to Fintan, Hoi, Fintan, are you goinahome to curl your gorgeous hair? Fintan smiles and climbs the steps of the schoolyard.A big boy from seventh cla.s.s says to Paddy Clohessy, I suppose youad be curlina your hair too if you wasnat a baldy with a shaved head.