Charles O'Malley, The Irish Dragoon Volume I Part 32

"Spending the evening! Say, rather, the night! Why, confound you, man, what is there in Cork to keep you out of bed till near three?"

"Well, if you must know, I have been supping at a Major Dalrymple's,--a devilish good fellow, with two such daughters!"

"Ahem!" said Power, shutting one eye knowingly, and giving a look like a Yorks.h.i.+re horse-dealer. "Go on."

"Why, what do you mean?"

"Go on; continue."

"I've finished; I've nothing more to tell."

"So, they're here, are they?" said he, reflectingly.

"Who?" said I.

"Matilda and f.a.n.n.y, to be sure."

"Why, you know them, then?"

"I should think I do."

"Where have you met them?"

"Where have I not? When I was in the Rifles they were quartered at Zante.

Matilda was just then coming it rather strong with Villiers, of ours, a regular greenhorn. f.a.n.n.y, also, nearly did for Harry Nesbitt, by riding a hurdle race. Then they left for Gibraltar, in the year,--what year was it?"

"Come, come," said I, "this is a humbug; the girls are quite young; you just have heard their names."

"Well, perhaps so; only tell me which is your peculiar weakness, as they say in the west, and may be I'll convince you."

"Oh, as to that," said I, laughing, "I'm not very far gone on either side."

"Then, Matilda, probably, has not tried you with Cowley, eh?--you look a little pink--'There are hearts that live and love alone.' Oh, poor fellow, you've got it! By Jove, how you've been coming it, though, in ten days! She ought not to have got to that for a month, at least; and how like a young one it was, to be caught by the poetry. Oh, Master Charley, I thought that the steeple-chaser might have done most with your Galway heart,--the girl in the gray habit, that sings 'Moddirederoo,' ought to have been the prize!

Halt! by Saint George, but that tickles you also! Why, zounds, if I go on, probably, at this rate, I'll find a tender spot occupied by the 'black lady' herself."

It was no use concealing, or attempting to conceal, anything from my inquisitive friend; so I mixed my grog, and opened my whole heart; told how I had been conducting myself for the entire preceding fortnight; and when I concluded, sat silently awaiting Power's verdict, as though a jury were about to p.r.o.nounce upon my life.

"Have you ever written?"

"Never; except, perhaps, a few lines with tickets for the theatre, or something of that kind."

"Have you copies of your correspondence?"

"Of course not. Why, what do you mean?"

"Has Mrs. Dal ever been present; or, as the French say, has she a.s.sisted at any of your tender interviews with the young ladies?"

"I'm not aware that one kisses a girl before mamma."

"I'm not speaking of that; I merely allude to an ordinary flirtation."

"Oh, I suppose she has seen me attentive."

"Very awkward, indeed! There is only one point in your favor; for as your attentions were not decided, and as the law does not, as yet, permit polygamy--"

"Come, come, you know I never thought of marrying."

"Ah, but they did."

"Not a bit of it."

"Ay, but they did. What do you wager but that the major asks your intentions, as he calls it, the moment he hears the transport has arrived?"

"By Jove! now you remind me, he asked this evening, when he could have a few minutes' private conversation with me to-morrow, and I thought it was about some confounded military chest or sea-store, or one of his infernal contrivances that he every day a.s.sures me are indispensable; though, if every officer had only as much baggage as I have got, under his directions, it would take two armies, at least, to carry the effects of the fighting one."

"Poor fellow!" said he, starting upon his legs; "what a burst you've made of it!" So saying, he began in a nasal tw.a.n.g,--

"I publish the banns of marriage between Charles O'Malley, late of his Majesty's 14th Dragoons, and ------ Dalrymple, spinster, of this city--"

"I'll be hanged if you do, though," said I, seeing pretty clearly, by this time, something of the estimation my friends were held in. "Come, Power, pull me through, like a good fellow,--pull me through, without doing anything to hurt the girls' feelings."

"Well, we'll see about it," said he,--"we'll see about it in the morning; but, at the same time, let me a.s.sure you, the affair is not so easy as you may at first blush suppose. These worthy people have been so often 'done'--to use the cant phrase--before, that scarcely a _ruse_ remains untried. It is of no use pleading that your family won't consent; that your prospects are null; that you are ordered for India; that you are engaged elsewhere; that you have nothing but your pay; that you are too young or too old,--all such reasons, good and valid with any other family, will avail you little here. Neither will it serve your cause that you may be warranted by a doctor as subject to periodical fits of insanity; monomaniacal tendencies to cut somebody's throat, etc. Bless your heart, man, they have a soul above such littlenesses! They care nothing for consent of friends, means, age, health, climate, prospects, or temper.

Firmly believing matrimony to be a lottery, they are not superst.i.tious about the number they pitch upon; provided only that they get a ticket, they are content."

"Then it strikes me, if what you say is correct, that I have no earthly chance of escape, except some kind friend will undertake to shoot me."

"That has been also tried."

"Why, how do you mean?"

"A mock duel, got up at mess,--we had one at Malta. Poor Vickers was the hero of that affair. It was right well planned, too. One of the letters was suffered, by mere accident, to fall into Mrs. Dal's hands, and she was quite prepared for the event when he was reported shot the next morning.

Then the young lady, of course, whether she cared or not, was obliged to be perfectly unconcerned, lest the story of engaged affections might get wind and spoil another market. The thing went on admirably, till one day, some few months later, they saw, in a confounded army-list, that the late George Vickers was promoted to the 18th Dragoons, so that the trick was discovered, and is, of course, stale at present."

"Then could I not have a wife already, and a large family of interesting babies?"

"No go,--only swell the damages, when they come to prosecute. Besides, your age and looks forbid the a.s.sumption of such a fact. No, no; we must go deeper to work."

"But where shall we go?" said I, impatiently; "for it appears to me these good people have been treated to every trick and subterfuge that ever ingenuity suggested."

"Come, I think I have it; but it will need a little more reflection.

So, now, let us to bed. I'll give you the result of my lucubrations at breakfast; and, if I mistake not, we may get you through this without any ill-consequences. Good-night, then, old boy; and now dream away of your lady-love till our next meeting."

CHAPTER XXVI.

THE PREPARATION.