Fanny and the Servant Problem Part 11

NEWTE. It must NOT come out! It's too late. If we had told him at the beginning that he was proposing to marry into his own butler's family--well, it's an awkward situation--he might have decided to risk it. Or he might have cried off.

f.a.n.n.y. And a good job if he had.

NEWTE. Now talk sense. You wanted him--you took a fancy to him from the beginning. He's a nice boy, and there's something owing to him.

[It is his trump card, and he knows it.] Don't forget that. He's been busy, explaining to all his friends and relations why they should receive you with open arms: really nice girl, born gentlewoman, good old Church of England family--no objection possible. For you to spring the truth upon him NOW--well, it doesn't seem to me quite fair to HIM.

f.a.n.n.y. Then am I to live all my life dressed as a charity girl?

NEWTE. You keep your head and things will gradually right themselves. This family of yours--they've got SOME sense, I suppose?

f.a.n.n.y. Never noticed any sign of it myself.

NEWTE. Maybe you're not a judge. [Laughs.] They'll listen to reason. You let ME have a talk to them, one of these days; see if I can't show them--first one and then the other--the advantage of leaving to "better" themselves--WITH THE HELP OF A LITTLE READY MONEY. Later on--choosing your proper time--you can break it to him that you have discovered they're distant connections of yours, a younger branch of the family that you'd forgotten. Give the show time to settle down into a run. Then you can begin to make changes.

f.a.n.n.y. You've a wonderful way with you, George. It always sounds right as you put it--even when one jolly well knows that it isn't.

NEWTE. Well, it's always been right for you, old girl, ain't it?

f.a.n.n.y. Yes. You've been a rattling good friend. [She takes his hands.] Almost wish I'd married you instead. We'd have been more suited to one another.

NEWTE [shakes his head]. Nothing like having your fancy. You'd never have been happy without him. [He releases her.] 'Twas a good engagement, or I'd never have sanctioned it.

f.a.n.n.y. I suppose it will be the last one you will ever get me. [She has dropped for a moment into a brown study.]

NEWTE [he turns]. I hope so.

f.a.n.n.y [she throws off her momentary mood with a laugh]. Poor fellow!

You never even got your commission.

NEWTE. I'll take ten per cent. of all your happiness, old girl. So make it as much as you can for my benefit. Good-bye. [He holds out hand.]

f.a.n.n.y. You're not going? You'll stop to lunch?

NEWTE. Not to-day.

f.a.n.n.y. Do. If you don't, they'll think it's because I was frightened to ask you.

NEWTE. All the better. The more the other party thinks he's having his way, the easier always to get your own. Your trouble is, you know, that you never had any tact.

f.a.n.n.y. I hate tact. [Newte laughs.] We could have had such a jolly little lunch together. I'm all alone till the evening. There were ever so many things I wanted to talk to you about.

NEWTE. What?

f.a.n.n.y. Ah, how can one talk to a man with his watch in his hand?

[He puts it away and stands waiting, but she is cross.] I think you're very disagreeable.

NEWTE. I must really get back to town. I oughtn't to be away now, only your telegram -

f.a.n.n.y. I know. I'm an ungrateful little beast! [She crosses and rings bell.] You'll have a gla.s.s of champagne before you go?

NEWTE. Well, I won't say no to that.

f.a.n.n.y. How are all the girls?

NEWTE. Oh, chirpy. I'm bringing them over to London. We open at the Palace next week.

f.a.n.n.y. What did they think of my marriage? Gerty was a bit jealous, wasn't she?

NEWTE. Well, would have been, if she'd known who he was. [Laughs.]

f.a.n.n.y. Tell her. Tell her [she draws herself up] I'm Lady Bantock, of Bantock Hall, Rutlands.h.i.+re. It will make her so mad. [Laughs.]

NEWTE [laughs]. I will.

f.a.n.n.y. Give them all my love. [Ernest appears in answer to her bell.] Oh, Ernest, tell Bennet--[the eyes and mouth of Ernest open]- -to see that Mr. Newte has some refreshment before he leaves. A gla.s.s of champagne and--and some caviare. Don't forget. [Ernest goes out.] Good-bye. You'll come again?

NEWTE. Whenever you want me--and remember--the watchword is "Tact"!

f.a.n.n.y. Yes, I've got the WORD all right. [Laughs.] Don't forget to give my love to the girls.

NEWTE. I won't. So long! [He goes out.]

f.a.n.n.y closes the door. Honoria has re-entered from the dressing- room. She looks from the handkerchief still hanging over the keyhole to f.a.n.n.y.

HONORIA. Your ladys.h.i.+p's handkerchief?

f.a.n.n.y. Yes. Such a draught through that keyhole.

HONORIA [takes the handkerchief, hands it to f.a.n.n.y]. I will tell the housekeeper.

f.a.n.n.y. Thanks. Maybe you will also mention it to the butler.

Possibly also to the--[She suddenly changes.] Honoria. Suppose it had been you--you know, you're awfully pretty--who had married Lord Bantock, and he had brought you back here, among them all--uncle, aunt, all the lot of them--what would you have done?

HONORIA [she draws herself up]. I should have made it quite plain from the first, that I was mistress, and that they were my servants.

f.a.n.n.y. You would, you think -

HONORIA [checking her outburst]. But then, dear--you will excuse my speaking plainly--there is a slight difference between the two cases.

[She seats herself on the settee. f.a.n.n.y is standing near the desk.]

You see, what we all feel about you, dear, is--that you are--well, hardly a fit wife for his lords.h.i.+p. [f.a.n.n.y's hands are itching to box the girl's ears. To save herself, she grinds out through her teeth the word "Tack!"] Of course, dear, it isn't altogether your fault.

f.a.n.n.y. Thanks.

HONORIA. Your mother's marriage was most unfortunate.

f.a.n.n.y [her efforts to suppress her feelings are just--but only just-- successful.] Need we discuss that?

HONORIA. Well, he was an Irishman, dear, there's no denying it.

[f.a.n.n.y takes a cus.h.i.+on from a chair--with her back to Honoria, she strangles it. Jane has entered and is listening.] Still, perhaps it is a painful subject. And we hope--all of us--that, with time and patience, we may succeed in eradicating the natural results of your bringing-up.