Fanny and the Servant Problem Part 16

f.a.n.n.y. Where are they?

ERNEST. They--I -

f.a.n.n.y. Send Bennet up to me. Instantly, please.

Ernest, only too glad to be off, stumbles out.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear -

f.a.n.n.y. You'll take some more tea, won't you? Do you mind, Doctor, pa.s.sing Miss Wetherell's cup? And the other one. Thank you. And will you pa.s.s them the biscuits? You see, I am doing all I can on your behalf. [She is talking and laughing--a little hysterically-- for the purpose of filling time.] Tea and hot cake--could anything be worse for them?

DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, tea, you know -

f.a.n.n.y. I know. [Laughs.] You doctors are all alike. You all denounce it, but you all drink it. [She hands him the two cups.]

That one is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful hair; and the other is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful eyes. [Laughs.] It's the only way I can distinguish them.

Bennet enters.

Oh, Bennet!

BENNET. You sent for me?

f.a.n.n.y. Yes. I understand some ladies have called.

BENNET. I think your ladys.h.i.+p must have been misinformed. I most certainly have seen none.

f.a.n.n.y. I have to a.s.sume, Bennet, that either Dr. Freemantle or you are telling lies.

A silence.

BENNET. A party of over-dressed young women, claiming to be acquainted with your ladys.h.i.+p, have arrived in a van. I am giving them tea in the servants' hall, and will see to it that they are sent back to the station in ample time to catch their train back to town.

f.a.n.n.y. Please show them up. They will have their tea here.

BENNET [her very quietness is beginning to alarm him. It shakes him from his customary perfection of manners]. The Lady Bantocks do not as a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir.

f.a.n.n.y [still with her alarming quietness]. Neither do they argue with their servants. Please show these ladies in.

BENNET. I warn you -

f.a.n.n.y. You heard my orders. [Her tone has the right ring. The force of habit is too strong upon him. He yields--savagely--and goes out. She turns to the Doctor.] So sorry I had to drag you into it.

I didn't see how else I was going to floor him.

DR. FREEMANTLE. Splendid! [He grips her hand.]

f.a.n.n.y [she goes to the old ladies who sit bewildered terrified.]

They won't be here for more than a few minutes--they can't be. I want you to be nice to them--both of you. They are friends of mine.

[She turns to the Doctor.] They're the girls I used to act with. We went all over Europe--twelve of us--representing the British Empire.

They are playing in London now.

DR. FREEMANTLE. To-night? [He looks at his watch.]

f.a.n.n.y [she is busy at the tea-table]. Yes. They are on the stage at half past nine. You might look out their train for them. [She points to the Bradshaw on the desk.] I don't suppose they've ever thought about how they're going to get back. It's Judy's inspiration, this, the whole thing; I'd bet upon it. [With a laugh.]

She always was as mad as a March hare.

DR. FREEMANTLE [busy with the Bradshaw]. They were nice-looking girls.

f.a.n.n.y. Yes. I think we did the old man credit. [With a laugh.]

John Bull's daughters, they called us in Paris.

Bennet appears in doorway.

BENNET [announces]. "Our Empire."

Headed by "England," the twelve girls, laughing, crowding, jostling one another, talking all together, swoop in.

ENGLAND [a lady with a decided c.o.c.kney accent]. Oh, my dear, talk about an afternoon! We 'ave 'ad a treat getting 'ere.

f.a.n.n.y kisses her.

SCOTLAND [they also kiss]. Your boss told us you'd gone out.

f.a.n.n.y. It was a slight--misunderstanding. Bennet, take away these things, please. And let me have half a dozen bottles of champagne.

STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [a small girl at the back of the crowd--with a shrill voice]. Hooray!

BENNET [he is controlling himself with the supremest difficulty.

Within he is a furnace]. I'm afraid I have mislaid the key of the cellar.

f.a.n.n.y [she looks at him]. You will please find it--quickly.

[Bennet, again from habit, yields. But his control almost fails him.

He takes up the tray of unneeded tea-things from the table.] I shall want some more of all these [cakes, fruit, sandwiches, etc.]. And some people to wait. Tell Jane she must come and help.

Bennet goes out. During this pa.s.sage of arms between mistress and man a momentary lull has taken place in the hubbub. As he goes out, it begins to grow again.

ENGLAND. 'E does tease yer, don't 'e? Wanted us to 'ave tea in the kitchen.

f.a.n.n.y. Yes. These old family servants -

AFRICA [she prides herself on being "quite the lady"]. Don't talk about 'em, dear. We had just such another. [She turns to a girl near her.] Oh, they'll run the whole show for you if you let 'em.

ENGLAND. It was Judy's idea, our giving you this little treat.

Don't you blime me for it.

WALES [a small, sprightly girl with a childish, laughing voice].

Well, we were all together with nothing better to do. They'd called a rehearsal and then found they didn't want us--silly fools. I told 'em you'd just be tickled to death.

f.a.n.n.y [laughing--kisses her]. So I am. It was a brilliant idea.